EVERYTHING

WRONG

WITH

My Immortal (Part 1)

(In a whole lot of pages)

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (Well, there goes any hope for this story. Sin Count: 1)(get it, coz Im goffik (Well, if you don't get it now, she'll tell you about how both she and her characters are all "goffik," and that's all the character they need. This brings us to our first mini game: double the sins for every time someone mentions being goth. That's 1 for now, but that'll change soon. Sin Count: 2)) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) (And she'll be calling other people homophobic later on. Sin Count: 3) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling (Great job there, Raven. Sin Count: 4). U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life (My condolences Justin, if you exist that is. Sin Count: 5)u rok 2! MCR ROX! (Why is this here? Sin Count: 6)

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (This name has several sins in it. First of all, the length. First, middle and last name is enough, when you have five parts to your name, that's too much. Sin Count: 7. Second, the random apostrophe in 'Dark'ness,' that just adds a whole new layer of Sueness to the name. Sin Count: 8. Third, her name should really have just been 'Mary Sue.' Sin Count: 9) and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name (Unlikely. Sin Count: 10)) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) (Maybe adding a comma here and there would do you some good. It certainly wouldn't kill you to use a few. Sin Count: 11) (Also, the whole Amy Lee thing really limits your audience even more than it was before, I mean you're already limited to anyone who can decipher what you're saying, but now you're just throwing people out for no good reason. Sin Count: 12). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie (Incestuous fantasy. Sin Count: 13). I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white (Then you're not really a vampire, you're just a random chick with a blood fetish. Sin Count: 14). I have pale white skin (Shouldn't that be with the rest of your physical description? Sin Count: 15). I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England (Scotland. Sin Count: 16) where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen (You don't say... Sin Count: 17)). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) (Well, I can tell you WANT to be a goth. And with that, it's time to start our mini game Sin Count: 19) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there (Well, this taste in clothing seems like areally important character trait, you should bring it up once per chapter. Sin Count: 20) (This also brings us to our second mini game: one sin for every piece of makeup or an outfit mentioned.). For example today I was wearing a black corset (Outfit. Sin Count: 21)with matching lace around it (22) and a black leather miniskirt (23), pink fishnets (24) and black combat boots (25) (Also, story makes me hate combat boots. Sin Count: 26). I was wearing black lipstick (Makeup. Sin Count: 27), white foundation (28), black eyeliner (29) and red eye shadow (30). I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about (I hate to become David from Harry Potter Turns to the Lord, but God is clearly angry at this story. Sin Count: 31). A lot of preps stared at me (Probably because you're the only person dressed as ridiculously as you are instead of wearing the sensible Hogwarts uniform robes. Sin Count: 32) (Also, here's another mini game, double sins for every time someone mentions preps This is one Sin Count: 33). I put up my middle finger at them. (Rude. Sin Count: 34)

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! (Yeah, he's a student here, why do we need the ellipses? Sin Count: 35)

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. (Draco Malfoy is not shy. Ever. Sin Count: 36)

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. (You have friends? Sin Count: 37) (Also, terrible way to end your first chapter. Sin Count: 38)

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! (Well, since you asked, no, it's not good. It's pretty bad, really. Sin Count: 39)

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! (Great job there, Raven. Sin Count: 40) BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! (Preps. Sin Count: 42)

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom (I'd normally question where else you would wake up, given what we'll soon learn about Ebony she's probably used to waking up in other people's beds. Sin Count: 43). It was snowing and raining again (God's still pissed. Sin Count: 44). I opened the door of my coffin (You never mentioned you had one of those before. Sin Count: 45) and drank some blood from a bottle I had (I'd warn that it might have gone bad from sitting un-refrigerated for so long, but if she dies from this I can leave sooner. Sin Count: 46). My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends (Now I could have counted this as an outfit since it's really unnecessary to have such a fancy coffin, but instead I'll just remind you now that she owns pink belongings, remember that now. Sin Count: 47). I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt (Time for another mini game already? Well, alright, double sins for any random items with band images on them. Start with one here. Sin Count: 48)which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress (Outfit. Sin Count: 49), a pentagram necklace (50), combat boots and black fishnets on (51). I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears (52), and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. (Close enough. Sin Count: 53)

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) (Subtle there, Tara. Sin Count: 54) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt (Outfit and band merch, that's three sins this time Sin Count: 57) with a black mini (58), fishnets (59) and pointy high-heeled boots (60). We put on our makeup (black lipstick (Makeup. Sin Count: 61)white foundation (62) and black eyeliner (63).)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. (Well he is in your school. And your year. And your house. Sin Count: 64)

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. (Yes you do. This is the only time you'll ever even try to deny that. Sin Count: 65) (Also, was the cussing really necessary? Sin Count: 66)

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. (Told you so. Sin Count: 67)

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. (Another masterful ending that makes me wish I had a pillow. Sin Count: 68)

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ (Preps. Sin Count: 72) OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik (Goths. Sin Count: 76)ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN (Great job there, Raven. Sin Count: 77)! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. (You don't say. Sin Count: 78)

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On the night of the concert (I'll assume you decided to go with Draco, someone who you don't like at all. Sin Count: 79) I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels (Outfit. Sin Count: 80). Underneath them were ripped red fishnets (81). Then I put on a black leather minidress (82) with all this corset stuff on the back and front (83). I put on matching fishnet on my arms (84). I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky (Makeup. Sin Count: 85). I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists (What!? Where the f*ck did that come from? That's a serious issue plaguing several people around the planet, and you're just brushing it over! That's five sins right there. Sin Count: 90). I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black (More makeup. Sin Count: 91) and put on TONS of black eyeliner (Well if it's that much eyeliner, how about an extra sin? Sin Count: 93). Then I put on some black lipstick (94). I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway (But as we see later on, you put on foundation regardless. Sin Count: 95). I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. (Remember kids, if you haven't had any blood to drink, you're not ready to leave yet. Sin Count: 96)

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (Outfit and band merch, that's five sins this time. Sin Count: 101) (they would play at the show too(But we'll never see them. Sin Count: 102)), baggy black skater pants (103), black nail polish (Makeup. Sin Count: 104) and a little eyeliner (105) (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok! (Uh, no. Sin Count: 106)).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. (Huh, you didn't seem depressed by the tone of your writing. Sin Count:107) (Also, why would you be depressed? The guy you like is taking you to see your second favourite band! You should be as happy as emo goth wannabes get! Sin Count: 108)

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 (The DMV lets you have your Satan license but rejects my HUNGL0W vanity plates? Sin Count: 109)) and flew to the place with the concert (A description would be nice. Sin Count: 110). On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs (You probably don't even know what kinds of drugs you smoke, do you? For all you know you could have been smoking drywall! Sin Count: 111). When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte (Who in the right mind moshes to Good Charlotte? Sin Count: 112) (Also, that is the least metal description of moshing ever. Sin Count: 113).

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). (Really? I never would have guessed. Sin Count: 114)

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. (Oh, so now it's a club? With all the description you gave us it could have been an amphitheatre for all we know. Sin Count: 115)

Suddenly Draco looked sad. (A sad guy in a mosh pit gets trampled easily, so Draco is long gone by now. Sin Count: 116) (Also, while he might get angsty or angry, Draco Malfoy does not get sad. Sin Count: 117)

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. (She's not actually that ugly, certainly not ugly enough to warrant disgust. Sin Count: 118)

The night went on really well, and I had a great time (Really, tell me more about that. Oh wait, you won't. Sin Count: 119). So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer (You're underage, so you definitely didn't get that beer from any legal source. Sin Count: 120) and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them (If you were drunk enough to have to crawl back to your car later, you probably got pictures with two hobos you thought were Benji and Joel. Sin Count: 121). We got GC concert tees (Band merch. Sin Count: 129). Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into (Well, if you're that drunk, he's definitely driving his car into a collision. Just saying, don't drive drunk. Sin Count: 130) … the Forbidden Forest!

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY (Yeah, you'll call Enoby by her real name you flamers! I mean come on, how hard is it to spell Ebony? Sin Count: 131) nut mary su (But that name makes so much more sense! Sin Count: 132)OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! (If they knew each other before, that's something you can mention before. In the story preferably, maybe with a bit of detail. Sin Count: 133)

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. (This scene is very rapey, and if I didn't know this Draco was a pussy I would expect that of him. Sin Count: 134) I walked out of it too, curiously. (I hate to quote republican politicians, but now you're asking for it. Sin Count: 135) (Also, Draco should be terrified of this place, why would he ever think it was a good idea to bring a girl here? Why would anyone? Sin Count: 136)

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked. (Just remember guys, if you really want to seduce a girl, just say their name in a questioning fashion. Sin Count: 137)

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic (Gothic. Sin Count: 145)red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. (If I knew red contacts could get women in bed with me, I would have started wearing them a long time ago. Then again, maybe it's just wannabe goth skanks, in which case I'll pass. Sin Count: 146)

And then… suddenly just as I (Just as you what? Sin Count: 147)Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me (Up until this point, this seems very rapey. Sin Count: 148)and we started to make out keenly (How do you make out "keenly?" Sin Count: 149)against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes (I love how when dressing up, every detail of a character's clothing is important, whereas when they're getting undressed it all comes off in a heap of black cloth. Sin Count: 150). I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. (You know, you've dropped two f-bombs in this chapter alone, not to mention all the other ones you've dropped in the rest of the story, are the words 'penis' 'vagina' and 'sex' or any alternatives to those really so taboo to you Tara? How about a sin for each of those? Sin Count: 153)

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed (All the enthusiasm and passion of a grocery list. Sin Count: 154). I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! (There's nothing wrong with this scene. THIS is gold.)