I walk onto the set Monday morning. I don't even think about going to the Slick Black building. I walk straight to my dresser room and just sit there. I sit on my couch and stare at the wall. I'm not sure what to think, what to do. I've been like this all weekend. I know the proper response is to be angry or upset and I of all people definitely should be, I've never been stood up in my life! I've been turned down, rejected, broken up with, but never stood up. I do hate her a little for that, but that only. I never wanted to experience that first and now I did.
I guess I'm just disappointed because I knew I was never supposed to get this girl, she was my boss and married with a kid. She couldn't be more off limits and it hurt when she didn't show, but I guess it just confirmed this disloyalty wasn't going to occur. And maybe we already went through so many ups and downs, I had already giving up a little on her a long time ago. So, maybe I'm fine or better than I thought. Probably not though, I may not be furious or devastated, but I'm just frozen. I have no desire to do anything or I don't know what I want to do ever. I hate it, it's so boring, but it's like being in a daze you can't get out of.
My friend Rob comes in.
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Nothing," I nod.
"Surprised to see you here, you're always over at Slick Black…what with Phoebe or something right?"
"Yeah, usually." I never told him anything about Rachel.
"Want to run lines?"
"Sure."
We grab our scripts and start running through the lines. A knock comes at my door. We look up to see Rachel Green standing in my doorway. Oh god no. I didn't think seeing her would create such a pain, maybe this is what I needed to break me down. I'm not so numb feeling anymore.
"Morning Mrs. Green," Rob stands and greets her.
"Good morning, would you mind if I have a minute alone with Joey?" She asks and I'm praying Rob says no for some reason, but he has no reason and he would never talk back to her. He immediately agrees, grabs his stuff and hurries out, not giving me even a second to prepare myself. She walks into the room and shuts the door. Trapped, I'm trapped in here with her. She looks at me hesitantly and I don't want her to say anything.
"I don't need an apology," I get in before she can start. That's just the worst and I don't want to hear it. She remains quiet and looks uncomfortable. Well, she should be. I look down, now feeling uncomfortable myself. I breathe in and stand up.
"Joey-" she begins and her voice takes me by surprise. It's tinted with tears; she sounds as if I'm the one who didn't show. I can tell how sorry she is already. She's making me feel bad and that's not fair.
She's trying to speak, but she's having difficulty forming words. I slowly start to walk towards her. I'm kind of drawn to go and comfort her. I'm standing in front of her now, but I've stopped. I'm not moving or touching her. She looks up at me; I think she's been trying to hold back tears this whole time. Neither of us say anything. I think maybe I should just hug her to make her feel better, but she doesn't deserve that, she hurt me. Why do I always have a need to make her happy? I haven't gotten anything out of this whole situation. I subconsciously fix this in the next moment. I lean in and kiss her. It's the first time I've ever felt her lips, these unattainable, amazing lips I now taste for the first time. Our lips barely move, the gentle touch is enough for me to know what a kiss from her is like. I withdraw my lips slowly and she stares at me shell-shocked. I couldn't have been any calmer though.
"I just-" I begin to explain. "Needed to at least kiss you, after all I've been through, I couldn't not at least get to know what that's like," I tell her. She's probably going to yell at me at any moment now. In her mind, this is probably cheating and horrible and awful. So, she'll tell me to pretend it didn't happen and start ignoring me again. I'm not going through that again. I got what I wanted, a kiss, it's better than nothing. So, I reach my hand out behind her and open the door to my dressing room.
"Excuse me," I say when she won't move and I'm trying to leave. She doesn't though.
"Do you want to come over?"
"What?"
"Come over, I… I got an apartment."
"You did?"
"Yeah, I looked into it after talking to Ross, I figured I would leave… I … do you want to?"
I think it over, I really don't understand her. I should just give up on her completely now, how is there really any hope? But I never listen to my brain when she's looking helplessly into my eyes and now that I got even a little taste of her lips I honestly don't know if I'm ever saying no to her again.
"Well, I guess you can't not show up there, right?" It was actually supposed to be a joke, but her face shows guilt and sorrow and I realize she didn't find any humor in her actions.
"I'll be there," I clarify.
Friday night, the night Rachel and I agreed on "hanging out" at her apartment is here. I'm nervous and I don't know why. I think as much as I doubt it, I really want something to happen with this girl. And I also hate her for that, why do I have to actually like a girl that I'm not supposed to have?
I look down at the tiny piece of paper in my hand with her address written. I look up at the building, double-checking I'm at the right place. It is, so I stuff the paper and my car keys into my pocket. I make my way up the stairs and to the door with the number 19 on it. I hesitate for a second and then finally knock. I take a deep breath as I hear shuffling behind the closed door. Then it's opening.
There she is, looking beautiful as always. It's the first time I'm seeing her in casual wear. She has tight jeans on and a loose, simple t-shirt. Good thing I didn't dress up for the occasion. She invites me in with a shy smile. I don't say anything and walk inside. I look around; the apartment is so plain, it's clear she hasn't even attempted to make this place her home. Honestly, it looks as if she's barely brought anything.
"So, want to…watch a movie or something?" She acts like we're awkward teenagers.
"Okay," I respond bluntly. I walk myself over to her couch and sit down. At least, she has a tv. I'm waiting for her, I look over my shoulder and see she's grabbing something from the kitchen.
"Popcorn?" She asks as she's walking over with a bowl of already prepared popcorn. I can smell the sweet buttery scent. She places it on the coffee table in front of us. I take some popcorn without giving her a verbal answer. She turns on the tv, watching me out of the corner of her eye.
"So, what should we watch?"
I shrug.
"Okay, let's just put anything on then."
She flips the channel to some movie I don't recognize. I have to admit I wouldn't be able to tell a soul what the movie was about because although I kept my eyes on the screen I wasn't paying the slightest attention to it. I could care less about anything on that screen, even if my own face showed up…which says a lot by the way, a lot.
I was watching for any move she might make. She hardly moved for the first ten minutes of the movie. Then, she started squirming a bit and every inch she moved I waited to see if she was getting closer to me, but she wasn't.
Thirty minutes in and nothing, what am I supposed to do here? She's turned me down more than enough times and yet she invited me over. Is she waiting for me, does she want me to make a move? I decided I would not make a move. Why should I, she's lucky I actually came over. But I have to admit it's difficult just sitting there, so close to here, all alone, not doing a damn thing. We're forty-five minutes into the movie now and I swear time has never moved so slow. Then, one deep sigh from my mouth changes everything. I let out the loud breath and lean back further into the back of the couch. Rachel instantly lowers the volume and turns to me.
"You bored? Want to find a different movie?"
"No," I tell her.
She's stalled by this, she wants to please me. I think I see her biting her lip out of the corner of my eye. This turns me on, knowing I'm holding all the power by doing absolutely nothing. I'm glad I made this decision.
She turns off the tv. I keep my eyes on the black screen, still not giving her even the satisfaction of a little eye contact.
"Yeah, I was getting pretty bored too. Hey you want something else to eat?"
I look over at her finally because let's face it food interests me.
"Like what?"
"I've got some really good chocolate."
I raise my eyebrows.
"Come on," she says and we walk into the kitchen area. I sit at an island while she fishes out some chocolate candy. She opens the box and tells me to have as much as I want. I take a piece and chew it happily.
"Aren't you gonna have any?" I ask.
"No, I want you to have them."
"All of them, they're yours!" I argue with her and push the box back towards her.
"No, there are only five more, it's fine really." She says and pushes the box back to me.
"Let's split them."
"No, it's fi-" She begins.
"I'm not eating anymore unless you have at least two of them," I bargain. She squints her eyes at me.
"Fine," she smirks and takes two of the candies out and places them on a napkin for herself. I wait for her to eat one. She doesn't let up until I give her a small smile. She smiles back and takes a bite of one.
"Good?"
"Mmm," she expresses. "This one is really good."
"Here," I find an identical piece and hand it out for her.
"No, those are yours," she protests again.
"You can have whatever you want of mine."
She freezes at this moment. I'm not sure what's wrong. She stares at me.
"Don't say that, that's what married couples say," she says to me.
She looks down at her last piece of chocolate and doesn't look back up at me.
"No, that's what people who care about you say," I debate. This makes her look right back up at me.
"Well, why do you care so much?"
"I'm beginning not to anymore." I shake my head and look away. I know she regrets her last sentence now. She's probably thinking of how to make up for it now, so this awkward silence can be broken. I don't help her.
A few moments later, she straightens up and slowly starts moving. She walks around the island and walks up to me. My head is turned in her direction after watching her every move. She stays there and I'm waiting for her to finally say something. Instead, she kisses me. It's a forceful kiss that I wasn't prepared for, but her lips are still pleasant as ever. It's short as well as she draws back fairly quickly. I don't move.
"I figured I should stop talking so much," she gives as a reason. If only she knew, I'll never need an explanation for a kiss from her. I want to kiss her back, but I decided not to make any of the moves. So, I sit there hoping she'll repeat her actions, but as always she's hesitant.
Finally, she does make a move, but it's more than I expect from her. Another kiss was asking for much. Instead, her fingers find their way to the collar of my shirt. They lightly skim over the top buttons, which are left undone. She's just studying what little she can see of my skin with her eyes and her fingers barely move in the little space showing. I can feel my heart beat speeding up just from this small act. She gets closer to me and now that I'm sitting on this bar stool, our faces match up to the perfect height. Her lips are practically on top of mine, but not yet. Her hand hasn't moved and it suddenly feels like a million degrees in here. She's waiting too long so I break my rule and claim her lips to mine before I go crazy.
Now, I'm honestly loosing all control as we delve into an actual kiss. We both keep deepening the kiss almost simultaneously. When she sticks her tongue into my mouth I almost fall off my seat and grab her by the waist to get my balance back. This must have encouraged her even more because now her kisses are frantic. Even at this rapid pace I can enjoy every part of her lips and I never want this to stop. Unfortunately, this is right around when she pulls away. It's as much of a shock as the first time she kissed me. We catch our breath and don't speak a word. Finally, she breaks the silence.
"I'm sorry. I-" she begins. "I still have to… if you want this then you need to be patient. I just need some time."
Although, I can still feel a tingle on my lips, I press it away and stand up.
"I can wait," I assure her. The look in her eyes is thankful and embarrassed.
"How about a movie?" I smile genuinely at her. She never fails to match my smile with a better one. We make our way back to the couch.
