It's cold here, it smells too clean here, and everything is white. Niall scoots even closer to his roommate and listens to the faint heartbeat of another man. He's half listening to Harry's story about pirates and his dream to be a captain. He's thinking about Zayn. The boy next door to them who plays volleyball with them, and gives them updates of Britain's Got Talent.

Zayn smiles every time he's near Niall, it's not always honest and it's not always whole hearted but it's always gorgeous. Zayn's smile is the only thing that makes being here a little less shit. Zayn makes the dark places a little brighter, the florescent lights glow and everything is out of focus when Niall see's Zayn. There's always a metallic taste in his mouth when they kiss, the taste of blood on his tongue. Before Niall met Harry, he met Louis, and Louis is the reason for Zayn. They were school chums before they arrived, they came into the ward for the same reason as everyone else; life got a little too hard.

"Niall I want you to meet my friend Zayn." Louis approached him with a deceiving grin, with Zayn right behind him. Niall though Zayn was sweet and kind and made Niall feel like he was free again, not clutching onto what remained of his life anymore. He was free and in love. Although being in love was the most wonderful feeling, but there was also the feeling of pain. Zayn's bandages, the reason he was even brought to the ward, was always on Niall's mind.

"Why don't we trade stories here? Eh Niall? Why're you here this evening?" Louis is the comedian out of their little foursome. Harry, Louis, Niall and Zayn. Harry sits close to Louis and Zayn deals them a new hand. They're playing Spades. Niall really doesn't know how to play but he does anyway. Ever since he's been on this beautiful cloud called Zayn, he's forgotten that he's here to get better, not pal around.

"To play Spades?"

"No twat, why are you at 'The Doncaster Health and Psych Ward.'" Louis asked

"I've got a drinkin' problem." Niall speaks and Louis scoffs

"An Irish man with a drinking problem never heard that one before." Louis slams the cards down so fast that he doesn't even know he's lost until Zayn is taking his cards from his hands. Their fingers bump a little and it gives Niall goose bumps.

"What about you Louis?" Harry asks daringly and Louis's mouth curls downward and the smile he's always got plastered on his face is gone, but back again when he calls Harry 'curly' and tells him that he's playing today. They play and trade stories until they get called for dinner. Niall finds out that Harry has an eating disorder with a side of self-esteem issues and Zayn is somewhat suicidal. It makes the room spin around Niall and can't stop thinking about it. He wants to kiss Zayn until he's blue and tell him that he doesn't need to leave this world because someone here will miss him. That someone is Niall.

"Quit thinking, I can hear you from all the way over here." Louis is watching a football game on television and Niall has been trying to watch but Zayn and the word 'suicide' keeps distracting him.

"S-Sorry. I'll go." Niall gets up to leave but a light touch from Louis signals that he wants him to stay. So he does.

"What are you thinking about anyway? Let Dr. Tommo help." Louis directs all his attention to Niall and now he's scared.

"What happened to Zayn, Louis? Why did he try to commit suicide?" He knows it's really none of his business and he regrets asking the second it pours from his lips but Louis is already thinking of an answer, so he quietly listens.

"His mind is really dangerous, one mad thought and everything goes to shit, lad. He blames himself for things he had no control over."

"What kind of things?" Louis exhales slowly and claps his hand on Niall's shoulder.

"I can't be the one to tell you that, mate." Louis leaves after that, he disregards the football game and the thoughts swimming in Niall's head about the mad thoughts Zayn has. It's really none of his business, and he should really go get his sleeping medication before Nurse Payne comes and gets him. But he's never been one to listen to his brain.

Niall finds Zayn sitting on a step outside on the small outdoor area the city has provided for the ward. He has a cigarette between his fingers, blows smoke from his mouth and taps the cigarette. He hasn't kissed Zayn yet, but he imagines he tastes like smoke, smells like roses and kisses shy. He should say something, being caught lurking like a stalker behind this boy he has a massive crush on wouldn't be very good.

"I stabbed myself. I tried, I tried to stab myself." Zayn perks up; he throws his cigarette in front of him. He can't bring himself to sit next to Zayn and push on about this stabbing situation. Zayn stands up instead.

"It hurt a lot, and I can't tell you why yet, but I can do this." And with that, Zayn kisses him. Softly and surely and with one eye open for Nurse Payne. Niall is so lost and he should savor the moment, he should commit to memory what Zayn tastes like, what Zayn's hands on his hips feel like and how hot Zayn's chest is when right next to Niall's. But he doesn't, but when it's over he knows that Zayn tastes like sugar and the bit of smoke, that Zayn's hands on his hips feel amazing and real and that Zayn's chest is pretty damn hot when pressed against Niall's.

"Say something, anything." Zayn's hands are in Niall's and he's begging. Niall just wants a drink right now.

"You tried. Again, you tried to kill yourself Zayn. What do you want me to fucking say?!" He's angry really fast now, he shouldn't be angry at someone who tried to off themselves two days ago but he is. He thought he was enough, he thought he could make Zayn want to stay on this earth. They haven't been hooking up very long. Their first kiss was six weeks ago, and ever since then they talk everyday about absolutely everything. They go outside and sit in the grass on Zayn's smoke breaks, they have dinner with Louis and Harry and sometimes Nurse Payne, and before bedtime they kiss each other goodnight at 10:45 pm. It's been downright lovely.

But it's not completely lovely or Zayn wouldn't have tried to cut himself with a shard of broken glass.

"I want you to say you love me and tell me that everything will be fucking okay! Because it's not. Everything is shit Niall and I don't know how to clean it up, I-I don't know how to clean it up." Zayn is sobbing now, in a corner of the room with his head buried in his knees. Everything is shit, Niall can agree. Louis has moved to another ward, Zayn's parents and friends stopped visiting him and Harry see's Nurse Payne more than ever. It's all really hard to deal with on your own.

Niall grabs hold onto Zayn's face and kisses him with all of his might. "I love you, I fucking love you, and everything will be okay. I promise" Niall murmurs through harsh kisses and slowly bruising lips. It's not a promise he can actually make but for now, it's what Zayn needs. So, Niall has no choice but to give it to him.

Niall gets out without telling Zayn, but not by choice. They tell him that he's better, he's been through the programs and the ward can't keep a perfectly healthy person anymore. So he comes back home to open arms and tries to stay away from the liquor cabinet as much as possible. He can't stop thinking about Zayn though and fears something will happen. Something like all the other times, he doesn't want to abandon him, especially now. Now that it's only him and Harry alone in that ward with all the other lunatics. He wants to go back, so badly.

"What do you want?" Zayn mutters when he sits down at the small table. Niall hasn't visited since he left, and after about 2 months of getting into school and moving into an apartment, he finally found some time to see Zayn.

Niall twiddles his thumbs, purses his lips and reaches out for Zayn's hands. They're cold when he touches them, the officer tells Niall 'No touching, Sir' as if he doesn't remember that Niall used to fucking live there. He retracts his hands from Zayn's and shoots a death glare at the security guard.

"I wanted to see you, and to check in on you. How have you been?" Niall asks. Zayn swallows hard.

"I've been terrible, fucking terrible. You left and I tried it again. Why does it never work Niall? Either the blade isn't sharp enough, or-or the rope isn't strong enough-"Zayn continues on and there are tears in Niall's eyes, he starts screaming for him to stop but Zayn cant stop, and now they're yelling at each other. Throwing phrases like "If I wasn't such a fuck up, you would have stayed!" and "It's not your fault, quit blaming yourself for everything, Zayn!" Niall says he has no control over leaving the ward, but Zayn doesn't believe him. The guard comes in and put his hands on Zayn's chest, tells him to lower his tone and shoots Niall a warning look.

"What did I do to make you leave Niall, tell me please." Zayn says and his eyes are pleading to know. It's none of their faults but Zayn just can't seem to see that.

"Nothing, It's just that Nurse Payne said I was well, and that I couldn't stay there anymore. She sent me back home. I didn't want to leave, but they told me to pack up and leave by the afternoon. It was so fast, I didn't say goodbye." Niall explains and wipes his face on his sleeve. He probably looks a mess, tears down his red face and his hair askew from thrusting his fingers in it.

"Have you been seeing anyone?" Zayn asks shyly.

"My family mostly. But I haven't seen Louis or Harry, you're the first. But I plan on seeing them, I miss them." Niall admits and licks his lips out of nervousness.

"I meant have you been dating anyone? Kissing? Fucking?" Zayn asks with a more serious tone and Niall is appalled. Niall gets up and yells a loud 'Fuck No' in Zayn's face, and then leaves. He doesn't turn back either. He calls instead, just to hear his voice, because it's the only thing that hasn't changed. His eyes full of bags and his skin color is now pale and drained. He looks older, and more tired than Niall remembers. It's a horrid sight.

"I was out of line." Niall is sitting on his bed when Zayn rings his phone. "I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted. Now, how are you? How is Harry doing? Is Nurse Payne still a pain?" Niall says and holds the phone between his ear and his shoulder while he gets up to turn on the television. It's not something he's really used to, after being in the ward so long. Having freedom and watching whatever you like without question. Niall knows that when Zayn gets out, he's going to love it.

"I want to tell you something." Niall is silent. "I trust that you won't go back to your old ways after I'm gone, I want you to stay sober for me, Can you do that?" Zayn says and Niall can hear his breathing over the phone.

"Yeah I can do that, are they transferring you like they did Louis?" Niall asks and Zayn exhales deeply.

Niall has a feeling that this will end in Zayn saying that it's not working out, or that Niall deserves better, and he should hang up the phone and just avoid the topic completely, but something inside him is telling Niall to listen. And to cherish every word. "No, but you're close" Zayn says with an upbeat voice. Niall can almost see Zayn smiling into the phone. "I don't think I can be here anymore, I don't think I belong here anymore."

He's heard this tone of voice before, Zayn's given up.

"Everyone has left me, and Nurse Payne thinks I'll be here for another year with the progression rate I'm at. I wanted you to be the first to know, and the only one to know. It's my dying wish that you don't tell anyone that I called." Zayn whispers the last part and Niall's breathe hitches. "What if I try to stop you? What if I call the police right after you hang up?" Zayn sighs. "It's already happening, it's too late. When we hang up, I will have passed away. I love you Niall, I love you more than anything." He can already hear Zayn's voice cracking and losing its life. Niall really doesn't know anything meaningful to say so he pretty much shouts it all at once.

"I love you too, Zayn. More than anything, I wish you would stay here with me. I wanted you from the moment Louis introduced us and I don't think I ever told you how beautiful I thought you were. Like supermodel beautiful." Zayn softly laughs on the other end. "You make me feel like no one has ever has, and I want to thank you for loving me. For being in love with me and giving yourself to me completely. I love you Zayn, I fucking love you." Niall's sobbing into the phone now and he doesn't even think Zayn is conscious. There's a heavy breathing on the other line and Niall thinks this is it. "What is happening Zayn, what do you see?"

"I see a lot of darkness; the whole ward is getting darker and darker. It's nice because these florescent lights were killing me."