A/N - I would like to thank speedmonkey and Serenity's Pain for allowing me to bounce some ideas off of them.
I would especially like to thank my new beta bookishqua. You are absolutely amazing! She helped me see my own story in a new light and her ideas, additions and corrections have helped make this chapter what it is. Thank you for helping me find Edward's voice :-)
I'm not sure when the next chapter will be ready but I will try to update my Profile to reflect where I am.
This is a long one for ya, so I hope you enjoy. As always leave feedback. (It makes me smile) And Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians.
stressedasalways
Previously in Chapter 8 - Shattered
Again the sun became intense and I struggled to keep my eyes open. They felt so heavy, and the light was so bright.
He then slowly moved his fingers from my hair to my face, running them over my eyelids. Helping me to stop the fight and keep them closed.
I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I was warm and I wasn't alone.
"I love you" he whispered.
And suddenly I was no longer afraid.
I smiled against his chest as the brightness became darkness and everything slipped away.
"My eyelids felt heavy and I could not for the life of me seem to open them. I felt like I had been asleep forever. When awareness crept up on me, I could not believe how cold I felt and how much every part of my body hurt. The sounds around me were confusing. Knife like pains radiated from my chest every time I took a deep breath. Occasionally I heard someone whimpering. I couldn't help but feel sorry for that person. They sounded terrified. Oh. Wait. I think that was me. I could hear wheezing and I think that was the sound of me breathing. I heard the beeping of machines. I could hear feet moving near me. I knew voices were talking around me but I could not seem to concentrate on them enough to understand them. The smell around me reminded me of antiseptic, and it felt strangely familiar, like a hospital. The last thing I remember is being on Edward's chest and feeling so…….but now I was confused.
For one moment I thought I was in Phoenix – then I remembered that Phoenix happened last year. Although the pain of my body was agonizing, even more though, was the pain in my soul as my memories gradually returned to me. Bits and pieces of the hole in my heart exploded all over again as images of the past few months trickled slowly through my mind.
I could see Edward's face when he left me with his serene expression and cutting words. I remembered curling into a ball in the forest and thinking my world had just ended. I remembered sinking into my mind and staying there for what seemed like months protected from everything. In vivid flashes I remembered the terror, the tickets, the music, and the nightmares that actually came to life. I recalled the haunting image of Edward's face in the parking lot as I ordered him away. I remembered how just when I thought the pain couldn't get worse, discovering that Alice and the rest of the Cullen's had left me alone again showed me how wrong I was.
I remembered the regret that went through my mind after Edward left. How that cruel hope had lured me from the house. I remember my terror at realizing that I was in the forest faced by two snarling vampires and how my heart broke when I realized that no one was coming for me this time. The picture of Victoria and Laurent's malicious smiles as they chortled in glee over my quivering body kept flashing before my eyes. Were they here? Was I safe? I remembered that no one could save me because no one would believe me about Victoria and Laurent. They would think I was insane.
Every time I tried to move my body refused to listen to me, as if even lifting a finger was too much effort. But I could still feel pain all over every inch of my body. Just when the pain seemed too much my body would slowly begin to feel numb. Every time I tried to focus enough to ask for help to plea for my life I could hear the beeping in the machines speed up and the concerned voices would start up again. I kept trying to talk to them to beg them for help to tell them about Victoria and Laurent but I couldn't make them understand because I could not talk. I felt trapped in my body unable to move. I tried each time to open my eyes but I could not gather the strength. Finally it seemed too much and I quickly surrendered and let the darkness lure me away. The darkness felt safe. So I stayed there. Where no one could find me.
--+--
"Bella"
I heard the familiar voice of my father calling my name, but again I couldn't find a way to respond. Charlie sounded calm, I wonder if that meant I would recover? Or maybe he's accepted I'm going to die?
I tried again in vain to open my eyes. They fluttered quickly but that was all I could manage. Thankfully Charlie must have seen as he started to talk again. I tried as hard as I could to un-cloud my mind and concentrate on what he was saying.
"Bells…hear me?...found…hypothermia…banged up…fractured…"
Why couldn't I concentrate? His voice came in and out like someone was playing with the volume control in my head. Before I could attempt to try and fill in the empty spaces I drifted back to sleep.
--+--
I knew I was dreaming, but it was unlike any dream I had ever had. It was like I was watching a movie. I was there watching myself. It took me a second to figure out what was going on. I was following myself as I walked room to room in the Cullen house. It was completely empty. Memories started to flood back. They had abandoned me…again. They had left me by myself, had left me with Victoria and Laurent.
My whole self ached. The hole in my chest exploded open with such force I bit my own tongue to keep in the scream. How was I all alone again? This house was full; they were here to protect me. I dropped to my knees in the empty living room and sobbed uncontrollably.
How had they all thought I was crazy? Esme, Carlisle…Alice. I couldn't fathom how they could just leave me to die. I wasn't crazy, but even if they thought I was, how could they leave me alone?
Carlisle and Esme were like parents to me. I had always felt that connection to them from the very first time I had met them. I knew that we would never be a family as we had all hoped for last summer. But when I was here in this living room explaining my pain, they were family again. I had felt it. How could they leave me like this?
And Alice. Just thinking of her caused more pain to emanate from my chest. I had told her everything. She had seen me at one of my darkest moments. Out of everyone, how could she leave me? Even when I believed with every fiber of my being that Edward was the culprit, she never saw me as crazy. She saw how sure I was and even though she never wanted to believe Edward was doing it, she never doubted that these things were happening. She never once looked at me like I was out of my mind. She knew those things had really happened to me. The lurker in the shadows, the pictures, the car stereo, she knew. So why was I all alone?
As I wiped the tears from my eyes I saw shadows in the other room. Without even thinking I got to my feet and ran to the entryway. There were all the Cullen's looking like they were getting ready to leave. I let out a shocked gasp but none of them looked my way. I ran up to Alice but she just stared through me as if I wasn't there.
I called out to each of them but none of them even flinched. When I tried to touch any one of them they would move away with their perfect vampire grace. It was if I didn't even exist to them. I wasn't even worthy of a goodbye.
"Why?" I whispered out.
"Why what Bella?...Are you awake?"
I blinked at the familiar voice as the Cullen house disappeared and a bright white light overtook my vision. Slowly a figure was backlit. The owner of the voice…Angela.
My mind was a complete haze. I felt her squeeze my hand and the warmth of her touch and the sound of her kind voice brought me more out of my tiredness.
"You're going to be okay." She said with a small smile and squeezed my hand even more.
"Why….why can't I wake up?" I asked groggily.
"You're on some heavy duty painkillers through your IV. You were hurt pretty bad. You fractured some ribs, your left arm is broken and you have some bad bruises too. If you're tired you shouldn't fight it. You need your rest right now. You almost died."
Angela's voice sounded a tiny bit panicked, but overall she was her usual calm self. I tried hard to let the familiarity of that in. I was soon brought back to reality when I attempted to move. A spasm of pain shot across the left side of my body. As I attempted to recoil upward from the pain a deep throbbing echoed on my back.
I saw Angela's calm façade break as panic came across her face.
"Try not to move" her voice cracked.
I then saw the nurse appear quickly at my side and inject something into my IV.
"Don't fight the drugs dear. Your body needs its rest" she said with mustered sincerity as she patted my shoulder.
I wanted to fight it though. I had so many more questions; nothing made any sense to me. But before I could try and ask more the drugs once again took over as I crossed into another dream.
I was back in the forest. Before I could think I was once again being slammed into a tree by Victoria. I flinched at the memory of the pain. At least it answered how I got hurt.
She was right up against my entire body and I could feel the coldness of her everywhere. She looked at me with a small smirk as she pressed her face right into mine. Then with a wink her mouth headed to the side of my face. She slowly rubbed her face against my own and it reminded me of the way Edward used to do the same when he kissed me. A sickening feeling crept throughout my entire body. Victoria then began to growl.
This was it. I was done for.
"A mate for a mate" she whispered right into my ear.
It was all for nothing. I wasn't even Edward's mate anymore. Without even thinking I began to cry out.
"He doesn't love me. He won't care. They won't care"
Of course my new words changed nothing. I knew what was coming – immeasurable pain.
I needed to wake up. I didn't want to experience this again.
"Wake up, wake up" I said aloud. Hoping when I opened my eyes I would be back in my hospital room.
My mind raced through different thoughts and I could no longer tell what a dream was and what was real. I thought I had seen Mike and then Charlie and Angela again. But I could never seem to keep my eyes open long enough to find out if it was real. Another time I had seen the creeps from the bar when we had gone to see that show.
Just when I thought my hallucinations couldn't get any worse I awoke to find Victoria standing in the corner of my room. This must be a dream I told myself. I attempted to move but the familiar pain shook my body. Just as she went to lunge at me she disappeared into a cloud of smoke and I screamed as loud as I could.
The cloud slowly disappeared into a bright white light. Slowly shadows came forward and were all around me. I could hear a loud piercing scream surrounding me. It took a few seconds for me to understand the screaming was coming from me. I never knew my voice could get so loud. I tried to stop but my body continued to scream.
As my eyes tried to focus I could see I was in my hospital bed surrounded by nurses and doctors. I tried to look past them to see a familiar face. Charlie, Angela, Mike, anyone. But before I could try I felt the burn of more drugs entering my veins as my eyes closed.
--+--
As I opened my eyes I could see the beautiful light filling my vision. I took in a deep breath and enjoyed the fresh air, as well as the absence of pain. I felt calm…relaxed…happy. When I tried to remember how I got here to meadow, I couldn't, but I didn't even care.
I sat barefoot next to the small creek and watched as the clear water slowly trickled by me. I couldn't help but place my toes in it. The sun felt amazing on my skin. The wildflowers were in bloom. Suddenly I felt the presence behind me. He still had that same amazing scent.
"Edward" I smiled.
--+--
Edward's POV
It took every ounce of my will-power to walk into that room. I had never desired something so much while feeling as equally appalled to actually see it. For days I and my family had kept a discreet vigil within the hospital walls. I waited and listened to everyone's thoughts that came to see Bella, trying to gather any extra information I could. My family also aided in every way they could to learn more about Bella's condition. That first day I wanted nothing more then to be by her side, but I knew it was not my place. Word slowly spread around town about Bella's injuries and it did not take long for the good citizens of Forks to notice the fact this happened within days of my family's return to town. Charlie and Billy had made those thoughts very clear.
Charlie loathed me. With an intensity that was frightening for such a quiet man of the law. I know I deserved his disgust. His thoughts about my family surprised me. He did not want any member of my family ever coming near his daughter again. This would kill Alice. I did not even want to think of how it would impact Esme and the others.
When he wasn't allowed to be with Bella, Charlie would spend his time envisioning different acts of violence against me if he saw me here. At last after many restless nights he along with Angela and Mike took tonight to return to their homes to get some sleep. I finally had my opportunity.
The vision before my eyes seemed even more horrible then I ever could have imagined. There was my Bella, my sweet innocent Bella broken in a hospital bed once again. I truly led a damned existence. Even when I tried my hardest, when I sacrificed everything to keep Bella safe and happy I failed regardless.
My family insisted we had luck on our side this time. I begged to differ. Severe hypothermia, fractured ribs, a broken arm and deep bruises were not my definition of lucky. Why had she gone into the woods in the middle of the night? I remembered how James had lured her to the dance studio by using her mother. What had Victoria used against Bella? What had they done to make her follow them like that? She was always too brave for her own good, acting without thinking that she could be physically hurt. Bella never appreciated how truly fragile she was compared to our strength. As much as that angered me, I was selfishly still happy she was still as I had remembered her.
It was then I saw her eyes flutter open briefly.
"Edward" she sighed with a tiny smile.
I froze for a fraction of a second before springing into the dark corner of the room. The doctors had dosed her with heavy painkillers. Given that high of a dose she should not be aware of my presence at her side. As I panicked I slowly saw her smile fade and heard a deep sigh. She was sleeping.
I waited a few moments before I slowly made my way to her. I grabbed the chart at the foot of her bed and quickly scanned the doctor's notes to assure myself she was receiving the best possible care. They had confirmed 5 fractured ribs and a comminuted fracture on her left humerus. There was nothing they could do for ribs other then try to keep her comfortable. They had her on oxygen to try and help her breathe. The fractured ribs, even with heavy painkillers, made it hard for her to take in full breaths. Her arm was in a cast but they were unsure if she may require surgery since there were so many breaks. My hand instinctively grasped the clipboard harder as I refrained my strength from snapping it in two. Surgery? The thought alone tore at my cold heart. They had finished treatment for her severe hypothermia. I let out a sigh of relief as I read the doctor believed there would be no further complications as a result of the hypothermia. The doctor also noted severe bruising along her ribs, arm and back. I flipped the page to check on her medications and obtained re-confirmation that Bella was on very heavy painkillers. There was a note from one doctor who was concerned Bella was in some state of psychological shock. A few times a day she would wake up screaming, and the only way to calm her was to heavily sedate her. The doctor made a request for a psychiatric evaluation once Bella regained full consciousness. I recoiled at the memories of her piercing screams I had endured while hiding in the shadows.
The screams had echoed throughout the entire hospital. Even without my vampire hearing I would have still heard them. It reminded me of her piercing screams as James' venom flowed through her veins. These screams were incomparable to the screams she gave now.
How cruel were the fates? I had left so her sweet voice would never have to scream in such fear again. Yet all my sacrifice had accomplished was intensifying that fear.
I quietly sat in the chair in front of her and took her in completely. How I missed watching her sleep. My mind recalled how we had arrived in this hellish situation.
--+--
When I saw her at the school it was like nothing else mattered. My soul soared and my existence had meaning again.
"Bella" I whispered her name tentatively. Unable to fathom that I was truly in front of Bella again. I felt like I was dreaming even though I knew that was no longer possible.
She turned around slowly before allowing me to see her beautiful eyes for the first time in months. Her eyes were difficult to read. But I wondered if that was due to me not being able to concentrate on them fully. Her skin no longer had the natural glow other girls would kill for. She had lost some weight too. She looked frail, and the dark circles under her eyes didn't help. I tried again to lock onto her eyes searching for my way in. Had I lost my touch on her? Would I ever have the ability to read her mind through her eyes?
She seemed torn. Like she was debating running away. She looked shocked…No it was stronger than that. She looked terrified…of me
"Bella are you okay?" I asked quickly. My family had called me here for a reason. I had feared the worst, but seeing her had taken away that worry. But still I was confused as to why I needed to be here.
The other students formed a circle around us, and I was trying my hardest to block their thoughts. That was when Bella's face went cold. I couldn't remember a time I had seen her so angry.
"How dare you even ask me that!"
Her words cut into me. Of course she was angry, she hated me. How could I have allowed myself to forget that? My mind flashed back to the woods. Her tear stricken face when I told her I did not want her anymore. How I had promised to stay away. Yet here I had returned once again proving me to be a liar in every way.
Before I could form a response Mike Newton and Angela Webber were at Bella's side. Anger coursed through me as I saw Bella grab for Mike's hand. I felt my face crack for a second before I recovered.
"I think you should leave!" Mike sneered at me.
"Why would you come here? Haven't you hurt her enough? You're not needed anymore. She doesn't need you. I could kill you for what you did to her!" Mike's thoughts screamed at me.
Then another familiar voice made its way through the clutter of all the others. Angela's.
"Why would he come here? He really is a bastard! I should slap him! Bella would never have the heart to do it"
I couldn't believe their thoughts. Why was I surprised by the pain I felt building up in my chest. This is what I wanted. I wanted her to move on and have a life. But with Newton? I wanted to pick him up and throw him across the parking lot. He was not the one who was supposed to take my place.
"Leave Edward! Just…go…home!" Bella spoke through clenched teeth.
I gave her one last look before I slowly turned away. For a second it seemed she looked at me like she used to, when she was mine. But I knew I was mistaken. I no longer had the right to call her that.
As I pushed my way through the parking lot and raced to the woods, I longed to be able to really run at my vampire speed. It took every ounce of my energy to concentrate on walking at a normal pace. Walking at a human's pace seemed to make my dawning realization more painful. My plan had worked exactly as I had intended. She had moved on, had a new love, new friends, and a real life. I just could not understand why knowing it had succeeded hurt a million times more then when I lied in the forest and left her calling my name.
--+--
Back at my house I was lost in thought. My family had filled me in on what had been happening to Bella. Mostly they showed me images of her. Her anger, her fear, her everything. The images tore at my cold heart. I headed into my empty room. My mind was racing. I refused to believe that Bella's mind had snapped. She was far too strong for that. Someone was the cause of this; I just had to think of whom.
I walked into the dusty bathroom after and was shocked by the creature I saw in the mirror's reflection. I looked down at my clothing and realized that despite having hunted prior to going to the school, I had disregarded decades of practice. My eyes were still dark; I hadn't fed nearly as much as I needed to.
I had become so caught up in my quest that I had neglected even the basics of trying to blend in with the humans around me. My clothing was filthy and torn. My appearance was disheveled. I had leaves in my hair and sticking to the legs of my pants. No wonder everyone looked so frightened in the parking lot. I realized with horror that my appearance had probably convinced Bella that I was the madman stalking her. Especially with my eyes. I was such the fool. She thinks I'm stalking her and I show up with black eyes. Of course she would be terrified of me. I had to make up for my lapse and do my best to make a better impression to calm her. I would tell her that I was so frightened when I had heard of her peril that I had not stopped to think about how it would appear to others.
Suddenly it dawned on me why my family looked so appalled when I had first arrived. I was so caught up in my fear of what could call me back to Forks I hadn't even thought of what my appearance looked like. No wonder Jasper and Emmett had tackled me as soon as I was out of sight of the school. Alice had not been angry that I had gone to Bella first – but that I had gone to a public place looking like this. The way I had carried myself was the furthest thing from blending in. Especially when all of Forks already had me and the rest of my family on their radar due to Bella.
I would apologize for creating a scene. I had a lot of apologizing to do it seemed. I took a quick shower. Hygiene hadn't been a high priority for me as of late, but if Alice was right – which she always is – Bella would be coming to see me later today. When I opened my closet door all the missing pieces of the story suddenly clicked into place.
The terrible night before I had left Bella in the woods after arguing for hours with my family, I had only packed half of my wardrobe. At the time, I had planned to give the illusion to my family that I would accompany them to New Hampshire. The rest I had left as I knew I would not require them where I was going.
Now I stared at empty hangers. I remembered Alice's words about smelling my stale scentin Bella's room. I recalled thinking to myself that as it had been months since I had been in Bella's room; no trace of my scent should have remained. How could I have been so stupid to miss that? I had been a vampire for 90 years. I should know better. It was then my eyes focused on one of the empty hangers. I knew that scent. Gingerly hung on one of my hangers was a long red hair. Before I could even turn around to summon Alice I heard my bedroom door crash open.
"No!" She looked equally angry and shocked.
I held up a hand to gesture for silence and used my senses to check the area around the house for signs of life and listened into the minds around me. I identified all of my family's thoughts quickly. I heard nothing else that suggested we were not completely alone. Considering it was still daylight it did not surprise me. I knew she most likely was keeping us under surveillance. I needed to be sure I could talk to my family without alerting her that I had discovered her plan.
"Everyone come here now." I whispered just loud enough for them to hear. They all arrived within seconds.
"I know what's happening and bear with me but we must all keep our voices down."
"What? Who's doing this?" Emmett asked.
"Victoria" I spat.
My family collectively hissed at her name. I tried to drown out their thoughts as images bombarded my mind.
"What? How?" Esme asked confused.
I picked up the hanger with the obviously placed hair and showed it to them all.
"She obviously wanted us…me. To know it was all by her hand. I doubt she expected us to return until after she was done" I said trying to calm my outrage.
"But why?" Esme asked just above a whisper. She couldn't understand why Bella was even of concern to Victoria.
I saw Carlisle's face drop for a split second. I pinched the bridge of my nose and let out a frustrated sigh. I knew they were going to be angry with me. I now had to tell them what I had done. This was not going to be pleasant.
"Back in the clearing when we first met Victoria, James, and Laurent I thought I had a good reading of her mind, particularly in how attached she was to James" I spat out his name. "But at the time she was not of much concern to me. When it was all over I knew given how vampires are about their mates there was a chance she would come after me. I even suspected she may come after you" I motioned to Jasper and Emmett. "Since you were technically the ones who got James. But the more I thought about what I saw in her thoughts, the more I knew the quarrel would be with me. I figured I could handle it on my own…when I decided to leave" I paused as the image of Bella's tearful face in the forest flashed before my eyes. I took a breath to push through the pain of that thought and continued.
"I had put Bella's life in danger so many times simply by bringing her into our world. The night I left, I promised Bella that she would be free from our presence. I wanted to ensure that Bella was free to lead a human life without interference from our world. If anything I believed Victoria would come after me and I didn't want to be anywhere near Bella. To risk her life….so I tracked Victoria."
"You…Tracked...Her" Jasper said surprised. I was offended at the tone of disbelief in his voice. I took offense at the stress he placed on the word 'you'. It's not like it was a difficult concept to grasp. Of course I had to track her. Why did they look so surprised?
"Why didn't you ask for our help? I would have gladly helped you hunt her. I love Bella like a sister." Emmett said while punching his hand into the other. Even Emmett seemed to doubt I was capable of handling one single vampire.
Their reactions were making me feel defensive. I knew my plan was the correct course of action. If only I could make them understand.
"It wasn't your burden to bear. I thought I could handle it myself. For goodness' sakes she was just one vampire. How hard could it be?" I uttered in a cold tone.
"Obviously more than you could handle. This was your grand plan to protect your human? It seems to have worked brilliantly." Rosalie snapped.
"I don't even like her and I would have never done anything so cruel." She continued her thoughts she had begun when I first arrived home. She had made it her duty to make sure I knew what I had done.
I ignored her. She was of course right, all of this was solely my own fault, but right now I had to concentrate on other things. My whole family looked at me with disbelief. They all blocked their thoughts except Rosalie, who I knew echoed exactly what they were thinking.
"You and your damn pride!"
"I lost her in South America, right about the time Bella started having strange things happen to her." I continued.
"What about your things? The pictures? The tickets?" Esme asked. "Bella said you took them from her when you left that day. Edward you know that was a deplorable way to treat a lady. Why would you do something that cruel to her? And how could they end up in someone else's hands?"
I cringed as Esme's images of Bella talking to the family came to her mind. Alice added to the images by showing Bella's voice when she described the pain of returning to her room and finding our gifts missing, as she described my promise to remove all traces of us from her life. I gasped and clutched my head when the next image flooded my mind. The mental picture of Bella tearing out the car stereo we had given her for her birthday with her bare hands – of her bleeding fingers – of her face when telling Alice broke me. That combined with all the mental images of Bella's pain from all of my family members at once was so torturous, that I started to cry. I could not look at them as I dryly sobbed.
My voice broke. I hated showing emotions like this in front of them. "I never took them from her. I hid them under a loose floorboard in her room. It was immature I know. I had hoped one day she would find them. After she had healed and gone on with her life. I wanted her to have kind memories of me even if I was out of her life. It was selfish of me. I am sorrier than I can ever tell you to have treated a lady…Bella that way. I know you raised me better." Even to myself I knew I sounded pathetic. My shoulders heaved. I could no longer speak as I cried.
"Oh Edward" Esme whispered as she reached out her arms to embrace me. I cringed mentally as I looked over her shoulders and saw the expressions on the rest of my family members' faces. They still did not understand. Esme's embrace served to remind me of how little I deserved her regard. Once again the prodigal son returns and once again the family has to clean up his foolish mistakes.
The road to hell truly was paved with good intentions it seemed. I thought the agony of leaving her, of lying to her would be the worst pain I could ever feel. I thought the daily pain I endured at being separated from her made my sacrifice worthwhile. I was willing to suffer the fires of hell for my soulless existence if it would keep her safe. To discover that my efforts had been in vain, that she was still being hunted, brought me indescribable torment. Now, admitting to my family the childish things I had done, which inadvertently brought further pain to Bella made the agony inside me howl. I was a thousand times a fool! I knew I had to calm down in order to explain the situation to my family. I took a deep breath and continued.
"My scent would have been all over the gifts I hid in her room. It would have been easy for Victoria to find," I finished explaining.
"How did you piece this all together? What scents did you find in Bella's room?" Carlisle asked.
My mind began to reel. It was my fault entirely. Everything. I had left the items she had used to torture Bella. If I had not been so childish and taken them at all she would not have been able to use them. If I had not lied to my family they would have come with me, or I would have gone with them and my clothes would not have been left behind for Victoria to mask her scent. Alice would have known it was her right from the start. I reminded myself at that point that I had forbidden Alice to look into Bella's future. Because of my foolish pride Bella had truly been left alone and vulnerable by us. I was truly a monster.
I could have stopped this all. I could have never left Bella in the first place. Things should have been different. Now I had shattered Bella's heart in vain.
Alice took my silence as her cue to finish the explanation.
"When I was in Bella's room all I could smell was Edward's stale scent. This made no sense. Until…" and Alice opened my closet wide open, "Edward discovered the clothes he left behind were missing. She was using them to mask her scent. Maybe as a precaution in case we ever returned?" She asked rhetorically.
--+--
The house was quiet. The family had all gone to do some hunting, and Alice had decided to check in on Bella at school. Jealous did not even begin to describe how I felt about Alice being able to see Bella. I had spent these past months re-living every moment I had with Bella. The way her heart beat would race when I touched her. The amazing way she blushed and drove me wild with the lightest fragrance of her scent. The way I could never predict what she was going to say and how she fascinated me with her ability to love. The look on her face when she told me that "it didn't matter" that I was a vampire, that it was too late because she had already fallen in love with me.
I had known the very moment I hurt her in that forest I would regret it for the rest of my miserable eternity. The look in her eyes as I broke her heart, her tear-stricken face and trembling body were forever imprinted on my mind. A permanent reminder of the pain I had caused her. These past months I had mentally relived that conversation innumerable times and it never ceased to crush me. I could still hear her voice begging me to wait as she ran in vain after me. I could still remember speeding up knowing she would never reach my side hoping she would realize her efforts were futile and return to the safety of her home.
Why had she believed me so easily? I hated myself for thinking it. But I did blame Bella for my leaving…It was a horrible thought, but I could not push it out of my mind. Why did she accept what I had told her? I wanted her to fight me, to argue for our love. I expected it. Although I never allowed the thought to enter my mind at the time, I was hoping she would have protested so I would stay. She would be her usual stubborn self, and I would keep up the charade as long as I could, but eventually I would give in to her and stay. I felt so utterly selfish for thinking this way. I had made this choice. How could I even try to blame her for this? She had given me many chances that night to take back those lies…but I did not. And here we were reaping the fruits of my lies.
--+--
Bella let out a small sigh, which pulled me from my thoughts. I instinctively reached out my hand to caress her face, but stopped myself. I wished she would wake up and see me. I wanted to confess all my horrible lies to her, make sure she understood how much I loved her. I knew that someone like me did not deserve her. I wished of nothing more than her understanding and taking this foolish man back into her embrace. Even if she has moved on, I merely needed her to know that I was the fool – the fool who loved her still with all his being.
These past few days in the hospital like a thief in the night I had taken to reading the private thoughts of Charlie, Angela and Mike, trying to fill in the past few months in more detail. Between the three of them they never left Bella's side. As they waited with Bella to regain consciousness they would recall different memories, allowing me to see Bella even as I hid within the bowels of the hospital.
Angela recalled memories of Bella thinking I was stalking her. The fear in Bella's voice was immeasurable. She truly believed I was trying to torture her. Angela felt completely torn. Her innocent heart tried with all its might to hate me. But even she doubted I was capable of what Bella described. Her biggest fear was that Bella was seeing things. But her thoughts would not stay in these dark places for very long. She would quickly try to think of other things.
Charlie's mind was the hardest for me to endure. Seeing Bella in the hospital only brought out all the memories of Bella being hurt when I left. He recalled his panic at her absence on that day. When hours passed and a storm started and she did not return to the house despite the note I had forged. I winced as I saw his memories of calling La Push to ask for assistance from his Quilete friends. I completely understood his hatred of me when I took from his mind the image of Bella lying in Sam Uley's arms, the haunted look on her face as she kept saying "He's gone." She had become a shell of herself. Charlie referred to it as her 'zombie state'. His mind always came back to me. To the anger and blame he placed on me for his daughter's pain. Bella had slowly grown better until we returned last week. He had watched her begin to slip away again when this happened.
"Maybe I should call Renee again. Why would Bella wander out into the woods in the middle of the night? What happened to her out there? What if she's going back to her…what did the doctor call it?...catatonic? What will she be like when she wakes up? I can't do this on my own"
His memories burned into my mind. Bella had been catatonic? My poor Bella, what had I done?
My true pain surfaced when I read Newton's mind. He tried to look into the positive things. He remembered all the good times he had with Bella, and looked forward to her getting well again so he could help her get back to normal.
His thoughts were simple and innocent, yet I hated him for it. He remembered times he was with Bella at work, mocking her at her lack of outdoor knowledge. Then he recalled the time he and her were watching TV together. It was dark and he had his arm wrapped around her. She seemed so happy. The only sense of relief I got from his thoughts was that Alice had told me the truth. Bella and Mike were not together. Mike still wished that one day something may happen, but he was very happy just being her friend.
But the more Mike recalled the more I even hated them being friends. They did such normal human things together. They laughed and joked – such simple things. Even the worst things that had happened with Mike didn't even compare to the danger I brought to her.
He remembered when he had taken Bella and Angela to see a band he really liked. Some college kids felt Mike unworthy of Bella and Angela's presence – not that I disagreed with them- But Mike had stood up to them. He even won a kiss from Bella for his chivalry. What had my chivalry accomplished? I had broken her heart and nearly killed her…again.
--+--
My mind wandered to the very events that had led up to Bella being harmed. Despite my well laid plans once again, fate had reared her ugly head. We had left Bella to hunt Victoria and were over an hour away tracking her scent in the mountains. My phone rang and I grabbed it hoping to hear good news from Jasper.
"What do you mean you lost her?" I yelled into the phone.
"Edward we tried. But she's very good at getting away. You becoming over emotional is not helping us find her. You need to calm down and focus." Jasper said on the other end. I could hear his southern accent emerging which was never a good sign.
At Jasper's suggestion, we had split into two groups while pursuing Victoria with the intention of attacking her from two directions. We knew she had amazing instincts for evasion. The hope was when she shifted her direction we would get a quicker jump on it. We had yet to make contact but we had been following her scent for days. But now the scent had gone cold, and a horrible fear crept into me. This reminded me of her false trail in South America all over again. She could have doubled back and gone to Forks.
"I am very focused. We need to get back to Forks now. Bella's not safe" I said quickly to Jasper before ending the call.
As we drove back to Forks at a speed even I considered fast Alice tried her hardest to calm me.
"What are you thinking?" Alice asked and I saw Carlisle tilt his head up waiting for my response.
What did she want me to say? 'I'm just thinking how great it is that I've once again managed to hurt Bella and put her in a situation where she may get killed'. But I knew my anger was misplaced on Alice so I just kept my eyes on the road and said nothing.
"Everything that happens in the world is not your fault, Edward."
"I beg to differ Mary Alice. Everything is my fault. I keep trying to do the right thing and it ends up being the wrong thing. I should have never left her, I should have never gone after Victoria on my own, and now I've lost her scent again. I should have had someone stay to keep watch, but I was too overly confident that we could catch her. And now…now we're going back and who knows what's happened…." I stopped my train of thought as images of Bella hurt and dying flashed before me. I had to stop these thoughts.
"Do you see anything with Victoria?" I asked Alice.
She closed her eyes and I could see what she was seeing. It was all just flashes of un-remarkable forest. There was no way to know where she was or where she was going.
"I'm sorry Edward. It seems Victoria's gift of escaping is even too good for me" Alice sighed in defeat.
"Alice the future is never definitive." Carlisle reassured her from the backseat.
"I'm sorry Alice. I should have never have told you to not look into Bella's future. I left her completely helpless, and now you feel guilt that you should not feel. You were simply doing what I asked" I said apologetically.
Alice had told me that by ignoring Bella's visions for so long she had been having a hard time getting a solid grasp on them now. She let out a disappointed sigh.
"I keep trying. I do. But her future is just so unclear. I only get small flashes but never enough to give me any information. I'm not sure if it's just that I've been blocking her so long, or if she's just undecided"
As I was about to again reassure her that I held no blame on her for this she went completely tense.
"What do you see?" I practically shouted at her.
"I don't know…Bella's leaving her bedroom, and is wandering in the forest alone. I'm not sure, it doesn't make sense. It looks like she's wearing pajamas. It's like she's following something, but I can't see what." Alice sounded frantic.
I pushed my foot down all the way on the accelerator as the car sped for her house. I prayed we made it to her in time. I could not imagine what I would do without Bella even if I could not be with her. She had to be safe.
--+--
I parked the car a few miles away and took off on foot. Alice and Carlisle were right behind me and I could hear that the others were only a mile behind us.
As I ran for her house I hoped and wished we had beaten Alice's vision. I knew how arbitrary they could be. Hopefully we could arrive in time to keep Bella from leaving her house. I pictured myself jumping into her window and seeing her sleeping peacefully in her bed.
"Be in bed..be in bed" I could hear Alice repeating in her head.
I jumped up the side of Bella's house and as soon as I could lifted the window and found myself alone in an empty room. Bella's coat lay on her rocking chair. I could smell her fading scent. I could also smell mine and it seemed more recent.
I felt the growl escape my chest as I quickly searched every room in the house finding nothing but a peacefully snoring Charlie. I ran back to her room, grabbed her coat and took in her scent as I jumped back outside. I clenched her coat desperately hoping she would be needing it when I found her.
"Do you see anything else?" I begged Alice.
Alice closed her eyes and I could see her trying hard to concentrate.
"She's confused. It's hard to get a clear image. Someone's with her though because I can hear voices. It sounds like Victoria and Laurent." she said with shock.
Before I could even think I was off and running in the woods. It took only a moment before I locked in on her scent and I could hear her heartbeat in the distance. It was growing more and more faint the closer we came.
Anger like I have never known coursed through my body. There was only one reason for her scent to get stronger while her heartbeat got quieter. I would kill them both for this if it was the last thing I did.My vision clouded red with pure anger. I looked over at Carlisle and locked eyes.
"Take care of Bella" I whispered sternly. He nodded understanding.
I lunged from the trees and attacked the first person I saw. Laurent. As he flew in the air I quickly looked back as Victoria threw Bella into a tree. I heard bones crack as her limp body fell to the ground.
Even though I did not need to breathe it felt like I couldn't even if I wanted to. My anger and instincts took over in a way that I hadn't felt since I had first turned. My mind was only focused on one thing and all rational thought disappeared. It was like being a newborn once again. Except it paled in comparison. This was not about the need of thirst, this was about vengeance. During this distraction Laurent lunged at me hoping to catch me surprised. Having the advantage of knowing an opponent's thoughts made fighting easier. I easily ducked his grasp and latched onto his throat. I held him there for what felt like an eternity and plundered his mind for his memories. As he panicked in my grasp his mind raced of how their plan had failed. And I saw with my own two eyes what they had done to Bella.
Flashes of his thoughts entered my own. I saw through his eyes Bella's bedroom. Her withering in her bed covered in sweat having a nightmare, no doubt caused by him and Victoria. I could feel his thoughts as he watched her toss and turn waiting for the day he would taste her for himself.
I felt a growl come up my chest and the thoughts stopped. Laurent gave a sinister smirk even while held tightly in my grasp. He knew my gift, he would have been filled in when he was in Denali, and now he was blocking his thoughts.
I hissed at him as I quickly took inventory of my family. Alice, Jasper and Emmett were surrounding Victoria. Carlisle was with Bella but he was blocking his thoughts from me. I soon found Esme and Rosalie and knew why Carlisle was doing that. Bella looked lifeless on the forest floor.
I could see the fear in Carlisle as he tried to decipher her medical condition. It was then his thoughts began to come to me.
"Oh Bella…You need to survive this…You need to be strong like I know you are"
It was when I heard my father's remorseful thoughts, tortured that Bella may not make it, that I felt my anger and fear shake me to my very core. I took one more second to concentrate on the way Bella looked as I came back to my own vision with Laurent struggling in my grasp.
"She's just a pathetic human. A toy" Laurent sneered.
I growled and ripped off his arm as he screamed.
I saw Victoria run off in my peripheral vision and Jasper, Emmett and Alice following right behind her.
"She's mine" I roared.
At the same time all of their thoughts came at me.
"Finish off what you're doing… we'll let you have her when we get her" Jasper said.
"Check on Bella" Alice told me.
"Don't worry Edward, I'll let you have her. But I'll have some fun of my own first." Emmett laughed.
I continued to tear apart Laurent, allowing the monster inside of me to take control. As the demon in me ripped off each body part inside I snarled with joy.
"This is for hurting Bella" I sneered at him as I ripped off his other arm.
"And this for watching her while she slept" as I tore his leg off.
I could see and hear the thoughts of Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie, utterly shocked at my horrific display. But I couldn't even register their thoughts as the monster continued to get his vengeance.
As I finished ripping apart Laurent I saw Esme and Rosalie gathering the pieces and starting a fire. I could see the horror on their faces. Esme hated seeing me like that. She never liked to see any of her children as monsters. Especially me. She had never seen me allow my anger to have full control.
Rose too was shocked at my display. She had used the monster within herself once as well. She never thought I could do what she had. But even with that, she took joy out of gathering the pieces of Laurent I had scattered.
As the haze in my mind slowly cleared with the growing flames I recalled another fire a year ago when we killed James. That's when I remembered Bella. I turned around quickly and saw Bella on the ground with Carlisle kneeling down beside her. Her heartbeat was so faint. She was unconscious and her body lay strewn in an unnatural position. I couldn't believe my own eyes. This could not be Bella.
"She's alive, but barely. She's got severe hypothermia." Carlisle told me as he wrapped his jacket around her. As he did I caught a glimpse of bruises forming down her left arm.
I looked at Carlisle and he continued.
"She's so cold a lot of her injuries are being suppressed. Her arm appears shattered, I'm positive she has at least a few broken ribs. I don't know if there's any internal bleeding though. Her body's too cold"
I caressed her cheek and for the first time felt her icy cold skin. It was my worst fears come true. My Bella so full of life was cold to the touch, her life slipping away. My mind couldn't help but drift to earlier times of her full of life. How her face truly lit up when she was happy. Her cute clumsiness. How strong she was. When I had saved her from Tyler's van how she hated being the center of attention and letting others care for her. Even when she was in pain that day in the emergency room, how determined she was to get the truth of my nature out of me. How secure she was in the fact she was right.
"Oh Bella" I sighed as I gently lifted her from the ground and brought her closer to the roaring fire. Carlisle followed close behind brining Bella's jacket I had dropped when we arrived. He placed it around her like a blanket.
"Maybe you should change her Edward" Esme whispered.
"No!" I roared.
"Why not son?" Esme asked ignoring my outburst.
"I am not about to condemn her to an eternity of this. When she can live a normal human life"
"Mother is simply pointing out what you should already understand Edward. Bella's heartbeat is fading. She's dying, it's the only way!" Rosalie snapped defending Esme.
"Has your time in medical school faded from your mind Rosalie? She is not at the point where she must be changed. She still has a chance at living. She has hypothermia Rose. She's cold; you're not dead until you're warm and dead. We need to get her to a hospital; I think the cold is concealing other injuries."
It was then I saw Jasper, Emmett and Alice appear in the clearing.
"Where is Victoria?" I yelled.
"We're sorry, we lost her Edward" Jasper sighed. "She is amazingly good at escaping. She had a car waiting for her and we couldn't keep up on foot. We didn't know what else she may have planned, we figured it best to come back here incase she plans on doubling back"
I let out a large growl. Again I had failed.
My family's thoughts came at me from every direction.
We need to go after her.
Edward, Bella needs to get to the hospital…now
Just change her.
We need to get moving if we're going to follow Victoria.
Let's go pummel that redhead.
Son, she needs proper medical attention.
"I know! I know!" I shouted to them all. I was completely torn on what to do. I knew Bella needed to get to the hospital and I wanted to be there for her.
What good would it be for me to be there for her? She was so angry the last time she had been in my presence. Waking up from this with me by her side would only add unneeded confusion for her. She needed to recover before I bring any more stress into her life. It would be better for me to go after Victoria and end this threat once and for all. To make right my wrongs. Then I can return to her side and confess my numerous sins to her. I refused to believe she would die. My Bella was a fighter.
"Alice, you and I will get her to the hospital. The rest of you will continue after Victoria." Carlisle commanded.
The family began to split up and head off into the woods as I once again knelt beside Bella.
"Go" Alice whispered.
I caressed her cold cheek one more time with my hand. It was even harder than leaving her in the woods that day to turn and leave her side. I prayed to a God I was not even sure would listen to my damned soul to let her survive. I would make it right again, if only he could grant her life. I vowed vengeance as I ran off into the woods to destroy the monster that made my beautiful Bella so cold.
--+--
I emerged from my thoughts as Bella once again let out a small sigh. I couldn't help but reach out and touch her cheek.
It still was not as warm as it should be, but to feel this warmth set my fingers on fire. Bella would heal and I could only hope that she gave me the chance to make amends and be a part of her life. I felt hope spring to life within me. She had survived so much, we had endured so much; I vowed in that moment that nothing would ever keep me from her side again. I would do whatever the fates required of me to regain her love.
"Why?" she choked out.
Just as spoke Carlisle entered the room.
I stared in disbelief, unsure if she was conscious or not. For the thousandth time I cursed at not being able to read her mind. Her heart rate was normal and her breathing had not increased. She was still asleep, dreaming. Her face looked sad. I was unsure if I was reading too much into it or not. But I didn't remember seeing that sadness earlier.
"Edward, we need to go. The sun will be rising in a few moments, and Alice sees Charlie arriving as soon as he wakes up, which is soon."
I turned to Carlisle, somehow hoping his thoughts were not true. I wasn't ready to leave her just yet. Who knew when the next opportunity would arise for me to be with her? It was then Bella began to speak again and we both quickly turned to her.
"Why Edward? Why did you leave me? How could you do this to me again?" her voice cracked.
Her face was broken with sadness and fear. It mirrored the way she looked in the forest on that fateful night. The night I set the wheels in motion that led us to this inconceivable outcome.
I held my breath and stayed perfectly still as she let out a few sobs and continued.
"Why did you all leave me alone to die?" she cried quietly as a single tear ran down her cheek.
Carlisle glided to her side and grabbed a syringe from her bedside table.
"She's about to have one of her screaming episodes. This is how the doctor described them. She starts with talking in her sleep, which then escalates to sobbing or crying and then she starts to scream. We can't risk being found out son. I'm only doing what the doctor's will do in a few minutes. If she starts an episode she won't stop and there's no where for us to hide in this room."
I nodded quickly as her words sunk into me.
Her body began to shake as her sobs grew more pronounced as Carlisle injected the sedative into her IV line.
My worst fear was still true… I had hurt her more then anyone else could…More than James or Victoria… I was the enemy. Not only just me, but my entire family. We had left her die
Bella's sobs quickly went silent and her breathing became deep and constant as the sedative worked its way through her system.
"I loved you" she whispered slowly.
All hope left my body as I felt the darkness of her words crush me.
