Clinging to the Future

Chapter 9

Enjoy


It was their Sunday morning thing. It always had been. Through Piper's childhood, through the divorce, and random Sundays since he had moved out of the family home. At least once a month, Bill would schedule to make a full pancake breakfast for whoever would appear with his daughter. It was how he learned more about Alex, it was how he learned he was going to be a grandfather for the very first time, and now it was the time that served as a way to ensure his daughter was coping with everything (as well as spend time with his grandkids).

As the man walked up to the door of his daughter's apartment and knocked, he could hear the television in the living room. He stood there for a few moments and no one answered the door. He knocked once more, and no one appeared.

The older man reached for his keys and let himself in. Out of both parents, Piper trusted her father with a key to her home more than her mother. He never had a key to Alex's apartment from before they decided to settle down, but he was given one when they moved into their Brooklyn brownstone and now this one.

Sure enough, as Bill stepped through the threshold and into the living room, he found that the television was on, but there was no one in sight. There were abandoned bottles and infant's stomach drops on the coffee table. That in itself explained how the night went.

The place looked completely deserted.

There were no screams or giggles from anywhere in the house. He poked his head into the backyard and found it empty. The man then continued down the hall. Andrew's room was completely empty. He was positive that their vehicle had been parked out front.

When he approached the doorway to the master bedroom, he walked in on a sight that brought out the best in his daughter.

Piper was reclined back on a mound of pillows with Andrew laying between his mother's legs and his head resting on her thigh. Meanwhile, Penelope was fast asleep next to her mother with pillows surrounding her. Piper's hand was lying on top of Penelope's little belly while the infant's hand rested on top of her mothers.

Like the living room, there were pacifiers and bottles leaning against the headboard above where Penelope was laying. Bill only hoped that these long nights would get better for his daughter and grandchildren. At least until Alex was back home to lend a helping hand.

Bill had his moment when he found out that his daughter's partner was a former drug dealer, and it had taken a few months for him to come to terms with the idea that Alex was trying to start an honest life for herself and the blonde.

Bill could only smile at the sight before him. He snapped a quick photo of the scene and quietly backed himself out of the room to go prepare breakfast.

The sounds of pots and pans clanging around the kitchen was something she hadn't woken up to in months now. Alex had occasionally made her breakfast in bed, but it was almost always her that was up before the rest of her family.

There was even a sweet aroma wafting down the hall.

For the slightest amount of time, if she closed her eyes and focused really hard, she could forget about her lover being in prison and imagine that it was Alex in her kitchen making breakfast. She could imagine Alex quietly coming in and retrieving both children so she could have an extra hour of sleep and then eventually she would bring them back in to surprise her with breakfast in bed.

But the moment she opened her eyes again, she was reminded that it was her father in her kitchen. She was immensely thankful for him, but she also wished that it was her girlfriend in the kitchen and that this was all a dream.

The longer she laid there, the more her current reality came to view. She had one child clinging to her leg (which she could no longer feel), and the other child was swaddled tightly and laid in between pillows with one tiny arm hanging out of her wrap. Piper wasn't sure how Penelope did it, but any time she looked away, her little arm had escaped the confines of her swaddle.

"Mommy." Andrew mumbled and clung to Piper's leg when she tried to remove herself from the bed.

"I'm going to help Grandpa make pancakes, alright?" Piper mumbled against the four-year old's wispy, dirty blonde hair. She pulled Andrew from her leg and brought her pillow down for him to lay on.

The little boy mumbled incoherently back to his mother before rolling over and burying his face into the pillow. One of his tiny hands instinctively reached out to find his sister's hand over the pillow, a new thing that he had recently started to do, but Piper didn't complain as long as he didn't wake Penelope up.

Piper simply smiled and bent down to press a kiss to the check that wasn't deeply sunken into the pillow. "Be careful of Penelope."

She adjusted the pillows back around her three-month-old and pressed a kiss to her cheek as well. The thought of moving her to her crib so Andrew wouldn't disturb her had crossed her mind, but she was worried she would wake up in the transition.

Before she left the room, she looked back at her two kids once more, her heart filling with pride that these two were hers and they still looked at her as if she hung the moon. Things had been hard, but she was trying as hard as she could to continue to make things as normal for her kids (mainly Andrew) as possible.

"Good morning, Dad." The blonde smiled as she walked around the small island to prop her chin on her father's shoulder, peering over to see the bacon sizzling in the pan.

"Well hello there." Bill leaned his head over to rest atop his daughters as he flipped the bacon. "It was a long night I see."

"Yeah, sort of." Piper walked over to the sink and began to wash her hands. "Penelope was screaming down the house and it woke Andrew up."

"I'm sorry, dear. If you want to go back to bed for a little while, I can feed and watch both of them."

"They both slept a good seven hours before she woke up so I'm actually feeling pretty good. That's the first good stretch of sleep she's had in a few weeks. I think she just had a little bit of an upset stomach early this morning."

The blonde truly appreciated her father. He always went completely out of his way to ensure they were taken care of. In contrast, she hadn't even heard a word from her mother since Penelope was born a little over three months ago, and that had been a simple "Congratulations."

"Then at least sit down and enjoy the peace and quiet while you have it. Breakfast will be ready in about fifteen minutes." Bill smiled at his daughter before beginning to rummage in the refrigerator.

Piper had approximately thirty minutes to sit and relax, as well as eat most of her breakfast before she heard the beginning squawks of a particular infants crying fest.

As soon as she heard her father's chair scrape against the floor, she put her arm out to stop him. She appreciated his initiative, but she was the one who could provide what Penelope needed. Her own body could sense it, she was just waiting for the infant to sense it too.

She knew what Penelope wanted, and what Penelope wanted, Bill couldn't provide.

"I got her, Dad." Piper took one last bite of her biscuit and stood up. "You sit and eat."

Bill smiled sincerely as he pulled himself back up to the table.

As Piper made her way down the short hallway, she noticed that her infants' screeches had turned into small whines. Soothing herself was something that Penelope was far from being able to do because of how young she was, but Piper could hope that the silence she was hearing was her infant working on it. Piper longed for the days when her children could be a little more independent. It never failed, when she was helping Andrew, Penelope would scream, and vice versa, when she was tending to Penelope's needs, Andrew would long for her attention.

When she pushed the door open, she found the sweetest sight a parent could ever lay their eyes on.

Andrew was stood next to the bed with Penelope propped up high on his shoulder. He was gently rubbing his hand around her tiny back and the blonde could faintly hear her son doting on her with compliments about how pretty she was and how her big brother was there to help her. The action might not seem like much to him, but to Piper, it made her feel so much happiness. It was these moments that made this terrifying journey as a single parent with an incarcerated partner a little more bearable.

Penelope seemed to be somewhat content and Piper couldn't help but take in the moment.

Andrew had no clue that Piper was behind him.

He tried so hard to be so very helpful to Piper and she was grateful for that. After having a talk about his attitude with Alex, he was a brand-new kid around his little sister and mother. It was all gentle caresses and kind words, instead of his pestering and brash behavior. He now understood that he had a responsibility and that was to look out and protect his baby sister. It gave him a "job" to keep up with and report back to Alex about, which was almost always the highlight of his week when he got to talk to her about it on the phone. Essentially, he was the one updating his mama on Penelope's development and everything she was learning because he watched out for her and he knew his Mama was missing out on so much.

Piper wouldn't have broken up the love affair had her chest not been tingling from the need to nurse, but she knew what the outcome of going to long without nursing was. The young mother quickly pulled out her phone and snapped a few pictures and short video before making her presence known.

"Hey babe." The blonde gently ran a hand down the back of Andrew's sandy blonde hair and offered a smile. "Thanks for calming her down."

"She kind of woke me up with her screaming, but that's okay because she's a baby." Andrew tilted his head towards his sister's wobbling one to provide the extra amount of affection.

Piper giggled at her son's commentary and gently took Penelope from her son's grasp. She would be lying if it didn't terrify her to see her four-year-old holding her daughter while not sitting down, but she also didn't want to criticize him and cause him to revert back to his old behaviors.

"Thank you so much for being so kind and gentle with her." Piper swiftly sat down against the headboard and situated herself and Penelope to nurse. Andrew had already migrated towards his mother's side to closely watch his baby sister. "You're a really big help, babe."

Andrew may not have actually comprehended how much pain and change Piper was going through, but he could sense it. As the days went by, he grew more sensitive to his mother and sister and their needs.

The four-year-old simply nodded and leaned his head on Piper's shoulder while he continued to look on at his sister.

The blonde put her free arm around her son and held him close, letting him soak up all the love and attention he needed.

"Grandpa has pancakes ready in the kitchen, if you're hungry."

Andrew perked up and bolted towards the door before he stopped himself and turned around.

Without saying a word, he gently placed a kiss on Penelope's head and then craned his neck up to get a kiss from his mother.

"Love you." Piper whispered, staring straight into her sons' eyes that looked exactly like her lovers. This morning was the start of a good day. She could feel it. She longed for more of these good days. Or more simply, these moments where she felt like things were okay.

More often than not she had the gnawing and sick feeling in her stomach from all the anxiety and worry she had about Alex and their current situation. Some days, it took everything she had to get up and get herself and her kids ready for the day. Every day she stared at her phone, debating on calling into work because she couldn't bare anymore stress on her already full plate, but she needed the money and the distraction.

But today, the first day in a while, those feelings were absent.

"I love you, too, mommy!" Andrew bolted out of the bedroom and soon she heard the sweet greetings between her dad and his grandson.

This morning was a good morning.


"Relax, babe. She'll be fine." Piper chuckled as she gazed down at her three-month-old who was laying on her soft pink towel in the nude. An early morning blowout meant an early morning bath.

"Do you have some sun-shades for her? Or sunscreen?" Piper found Alex's worrying to be quite humorous. Since she had taken their first born to see her in prison, her girlfriend had been more insistent on learning about every small detail of their days. She was trying to live vicariously through Piper.

"Alex, she's too young for sunscreen because babies' skin is so sensitive." Piper wedged the phone in between her ear and shoulder and began to later her infant in lotion. "I'm hoping she'll sleep a good portion of the party so she can just stay inside in her carrier."

The line went silent for a moment. All the blonde could hear was the chatter of the prison in the distance.

"What's been going on with you, Al?"

No response.

"Alex?"

"I'm here." Piper could hear something change in her lover's voice. "My lawyer stopped by after you and the kids left a few weeks ago."

Instantly the blonde's stomach began to form knots. There were so many possibilities and outcomes from a lawyer visit. But also, she had seen her girlfriend at visitation twice since she had taken both children to visit her. She was confused as to why she was just now hearing about this.

There hadn't been anything different in Alex's demeanor either time she had seen her. The last two times she had traveled to the prison, she had gone by herself, meaning their conversations had been more meaningful and appropriate for two grown adults instead of the censored and simple conversations they had to have in front of their children.

"Al, that was three weeks ago. Why are you just now telling me?"

"It was just an informal visit. He wanted to make sure I was settling in okay and that I was behaving." Penelope's jerking movements pulled Piper from the state of shock she was in. "He filled me in on my case and he's working on filling in some gaps we have in the timeline. Apparently, we've been tailed by incognito pigs for months and we just never noticed."

"What?" For some reason that provided some relief to Piper, yet she also wondered why it took so long for them to arrest Alex. Throughout her whole pregnancy with Penelope, she always had this uneasy feeling, and she had just associated it with the hormones, but now it all made sense.

"Yep. He had pictures of us leaving your pregnancy appointments, taking Drew to the park, leaving the hospital two days after we had Penelope…"

"Why didn't they show you any of these during your questioning?" The blonde began to dress her infant with the phone wedged between her ear and shoulder.

"That's what I mean, Pipes. He's finding more information to fill in those gaps in the timeline." Piper could hear what she assumed was a guard yelling at inmates to wait patiently for the phones. She couldn't think about prison conditions right now, she needed to focus on Alex's voice and what she was telling her.

"Do you think they're tailing me? I carried drug money once. Am I next?" The blonde began to ramble. "Alex, we have kids."

That was a sentence she found that her and Alex both had said a countless amount of times the past few months.

They had kids.

This whole situation would be different had they not been responsible for two young and innocent children whom they loved dearly. But they had chosen to embark on the family path, and they wouldn't take any of it back for a second even if it got them out of their current situation.

"Pipes, you're safe. I promise. You've already passed the statute of limitations for that."

"Do they know?" The blonde was shocked, but surprisingly relieved at the same time. "Alex what the -."

"Piper, you have to understand, I didn't give your name. You did that within the first six months we were together, we've been together for almost fifteen years now. Everything is fine, babe."

"Alex you know how the system is! They can weasel their way into anything and turn it around on me."

"Pipes, would you just listen. I can get out earlier and I can explain if you would just stop talking."

The blonde went quiet.

"P." Andrew whined while dragging his hands down his face. "We don't eat our hands or scream in the car."

Piper glanced into the rear-view mirror and found her oldest reaching across the backseat to pull his sister's hands from her mouth. All she could do was smile. For once she felt like maybe things were settling down into their new "normal". She was given relatively new information that could either end in something good or nothing at all.

"At least it's happy screams and not mad screams like they usually are." Piper laughed. Penelope had recently started to find her little voice as well as her own little personality. It made those long nights a little more tolerable when she was able to look down and find her little one smiling back up at her.

"Inside voices, Penelope."

"Are you excited for fireworks tonight, babe?"

Polly had been on her case for weeks about coming to her house for a small Fourth of July get together with their Popi employees and close friends. Initially, Piper had been hesitant to go. Outings with both kids were still something she was getting used to. Sometimes being around couples just rubbed her the wrong way considering how her girlfriend was suddenly ripped away from her. But she needed that human interaction. More specifically, she needed an adult conversation.

"Yep!" Andrew flashed two thumbs up with a big grin before returning his attention back to Penelope. "I'm going to draw a picture for mama to put in her letter for this week."

"Sounds like a great plan, babe."

So much was running through her head when it came to Alex. Their phone call this morning had introduced some new information that both made Piper nervous and somewhat hopeful at the same time, but things were still so unclear.

And sometimes it just hits her.

No warnings. No signals. No alarms.

It doesn't matter where she is. It has no mercy.

Her world just suddenly comes crashing down with no hesitation.

Sometimes it takes one glance. One sound. One touch. And the tears start to pour.

She doesn't have any explanation for it. Well, she does. Her life is essentially in shambles, but she thought things were getting better now that she was settling down into the new normal.

But she refuses to address it in hopes that not addressing it will cause it to go away. Or her body would just sort of find its new normal, but so far it hadn't happened yet.

So here she was sitting on the floor of Polly's bathroom with Penelope in her grasp, sobbing uncontrollably. She felt as if her chest was caving in and her vision was getting blurry. It was all she could do to lower herself to the ground and lean against the wall.

Things had been fine. She had been sitting on the deck mingling with her co-workers from Popi. Her youngest cradled in her arms and her oldest was running about the backyard with Finn.

And then it had come out of nowhere. She had felt sick, her hands had become clammy, and she couldn't stand still.

It was all she could do to mutter an excuse about changing Penelope's diaper before she barreled into Polly's home looking for a safe space.

She was sure everyone on the first floor of Polly's townhome could hear her guttural cries. She couldn't imagine what she must look like.

And poor Penelope, half naked from a diaper change, staring right up at Piper without blinking. Three months old and she'd already seen her mother have more breakdowns than bouts of laughter.

These episodes came in waves. She could have multiple in a week or none. She hadn't really paid any attention to them or what brought them on. Terms like PTSD, Post-Natal Depression, and Anxiety had been thrown around when talking to Polly, and even Alex had mentioned it, but she associated it with all the stress she was carrying.

Things had to settle down soon. They just had to.


Hi. Long time, no update on like anything. I know. I'm working on it. I promise.

Thanks for all the support!

Happy Spring Break!

Cheers from the beaches of Mexico! I'm off to get more beer.