Leon prided himself on his logical, practical plans. He wasn't one of the oldest knights for nothing-he did most everything by the book and managed to do it with grace.
The plan he came up with to capture the goblin was, by anyone's estimation, ingenious. He set a trap consisting of some gold from the coffers under a pressure plate which would drop a lead box on the unsuspecting goblin. Pretty clever, especially since Gaius was unwilling to tell him much about goblins in light conversation. And, conveniently, everything was timed perfectly-no one would be anywhere near the coffers this early in the morning.
Which was why Leon, after setting the trap just right, blinked in incomprehension as he heard someone walking in the hallway. A goblin? Leon prepared to hide-
The door opened, and revealed a lone figure in the hallway.
"Lancelot?"
"Oh, hello, Leon," Lancelot said. He heaved a sigh and stepped inside, crossing slowly to the window. "Can't sleep, either, eh?"
"Er…" Dealing with a depressed Lancelot wasn't exactly what he had in mind while trying to catch a goblin, but being Captain of the Knights had its duties. "Something wrong?"
"Oh. Nothing." That lasted about two seconds. "It's just that song you sang made me think about Gwen. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to write some poetry, like you suggested."
"Oh. Good." It sounded like such a good suggestion at the time. "Well, the coffers isn't the best place to write at the moment…"
"It's no trouble. I just wanted to get a coin."
"Oh?" Leon was aware of a shadow behind Lancelot in the hallway, and this shadow was much shorter. A green nose appeared around the door.
"I'm thinking of giving this one to her when she gets back, so I want it on clean paper." Lancelot held the paper in front of him and started pacing. "Listen to this…"
"Oh no, really-!"
"-When Gwenivere's near, my feelings are clear, my heart full of tears, there was true love here, for Lancelot and Gwenivere." He took a breath. "When Gwen holds a pen, I think of a wren-"
"I think it's better read than spoken," Leon said quickly. "Cadence, and all that, you know." By now the goblin had completely entered the room, and was watching them with interest.
"Oh. I suppose it would be. I'll take a few coins, anyway."
And with that, before Leon could say anything, Lancelot took a handful of gold from the trap, and Leon was shouting urgently "Watch out!" just as the lead box bounced off Lancelot's head. He blinked, and fell over with a groan.
"Er!" Leon said. He dropped down beside Lancelot, and watched a goose egg bloom on Lancelot's brow where the box hit. Suddenly he was aware of a piggy little laugh that set his teeth on edge. He turned, and saw the goblin laughing at him.
"Good trap, eh, blondie?" the goblin cackled. For a second Leon thought that the goblin's laugh was echoing in the room, until he realized that there were several pairs of golden eyes were winking at him from the shadows.
"There can't be more of you!" Leon said. He felt exasperated more than terrified. Fortunately, the goblins had forgotten entirely about him, and in about five seconds swarmed the gold and disappeared, leaving the trap empty. A more adventurous mind might have come up with some sort of back-up plan, but Leon did not. His heart sank into his stomach, but there comes a time in every man's life when he realizes he needs assistance.
After he finished putting Lancelot back in his bed he ran off to find Gwaine.
…
"Sir Gwaine? Sir Gwaine?"
Voices filtered to him through a drunken haze. Not drunk enough. If he was drunk enough, the voices wouldn't reach him. A nice, thick, cottony insulation, preventing everything from getting in.
If only. There wasn't enough liquid in all of Albion.
Instead, now a prodding hand had joined the voices. Something jabbing him in the chest.
Gwaine belched. That lovely almost-vomit-burp that happened when his body was ready to give in long before he was. Gross. He needed another drink.
Damn, he'd have to open his eyes for that.
"Sir Gwaine? You need to leave, sir, we need to clean out the banquet hall."
"Lemalone," Gwaine muttered, rolling over.
"Sir Gwaine, I really must insist!"
"Nedajrink."
"No, Sir, what you need is rest."
Why was no one listening to him?
"It's a good job the King is away! It be a shame, Sir Gwaine, to find you like this!"
Gwaine opened his eyes. Too bright. Too many faces-ones he vaguely recognized. The cleaning staff: various maids and cooks and kitchen boys, to begin working all day to undo what the lords and ladies had done in a few short hours.
"One for the road?" he grinned hopefully.
"Right. That's it, Sir Gwaine, but I did warn you."
Ah. The Porter. Not a man to be trifled with, especially when you were the knight most known for getting caught in the wine cellar at all hours. Well, no matter: he was a big fellow, but hardly-
"Guards!" Not so loud, Gwaine groaned. "Please take Sir Gwaine to his chambers. He's drunk."
Hey, now.
Gwaine was instantly alert. Well, behind the drunken haze he was, anyway. They couldn't sic the guards on him! He was a Knight of Camelot! He was in charge of this circus! Well, after he assassinated Leon, that was, which he'd been plotting to ever since his binge began, though the plan was still in its infancy as he hadn't got much past the part where the blonde bugger needed to die.
Hands were on his shoulders. He recognized Alfred and Edgar-drinking buddies! friends, until now! traitors!-encouraging him quietly to come with them and just easy does it, he could sleep it off, he'd had enough...
"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"
Gwaine wasn't sure why violence was the best solution to the problem at hand, but it generally served him well in most situations, and anyway he had reached his saturation point of Ability To Deal With Horse Manure, so he decided to administer a liberal application of the fact that he was the best brawler south of the River Humber.
…
Conceivably, Leon should have found Gwaine brawling with the hapless kitchen staff to be even more vexing than usual. But somehow that didn't matter. Gwaine, although appearing to hold his own, was grossly outnumbered. He was currently shouting some curse as one of the cook's kicked him in the nether regions while the ktichen lads grabbed him and shouted that the pig sty would be a good place for him. Idiot or no, Gwaine did not deserve that. He took a deep breath.
"SILENCE!"
Everyone went silent, and froze in amusing tableau, staring at him with jaws dropped. Leon realized that the last time he shouted like that he was standing in front of a line of crossbowmen, shouting "LONG LIVE THE KING" at Lady Morgana. He used his big-daddy, no-nonsense, all-capitals voice. The only one who did not seem to be affected was Gwaine, which annoyed Leon a bit.
Gwaine took advantage of the servants' distraction by trying to stab the cook in the foot with a fork. Leon caught it just in time.
"He was bein' drunk n' disorderly, he was!" the cook said, nursing a bloody nose.
"That's no reason to have him beaten ," Leon said. "I know he's not of noble birth, but he is a Knight of the Round Table. Arthur would not have made him so if he was not worthy of the title."
"He's drunk, Sir Leon!" the cook said, angrily. "He won't even remember."
"I can assure you, he will remember it well enough tomorrow when he wakes up covered in bruises. Were he as sober as you I wouldn't think much of it, but you used your clearer minds not to help him, but to humiliate him. You, who he is charged as a knight of Camelot to protect with his very life, would treat him like a dog? Knights are your servants as much as you are theirs. If you cannot respect his actions, at least respect him." He paused. "Do I make myself clear?"
The servants nodded quickly in a chorus of "yes, my lord"s.
He sighed and helpedd Gwaine stand up. That lasted about two seconds before Gwaine sank in his arms, and with a little effort (why the hell was Gwaine wearing armor?) he pulled him over a shoulder. "I'll just get him out of your hair. Oh-and there's a stoup of wine for each man who doesn't mention this to Arthur."
...
A/N:I think we ought to apologize in this chapter for making Lancelot such a huge nerd! He does it to himself, a bit, though, you have to admit. He's just so...old-fashioned? He acts like how a peasant would imagine a knight should act. Which is sweet, but also, wow... Anyway, this isn't about him! (Yet!)Also: Gwaine-Leon make-up scene to follow (well, as much of a make-up scene as we can get from two guys who can't address their emotions)! Stay tuned!
