Dust kicked up in the wake of the old RV as it lumbered down the dirt road. A pack of cattle watched curiously as the vehicle came to a stop and three unfamiliar faces piled out. One of the trio beelined over like an excited child at a petting zoo.

"Hello there, friends!" Mabel clambered up onto the long fence that kept the animals from wandering off into the surrounding south Texan wilderness. Most of the cattle returned to their grazing, but a few wandered over to the giddy young woman. As soon as one came within arm's reach she let out a squeal and eagerly began stroking its head.

Wendy hopped over the fence with ease. When one cow gave her a look, she flashed it a disarming grin. "Don't worry, we're cool."

According to the card that she held up, she was Agent Wenderson of the US Fish and Wildlife Service. Of course it was nothing more than one of Mabel's creations., but the brunette's artistic skills had come a long way from the days when she worked mainly with dried pasta, sparkly stickers and googly eyes. The "IDs" had looked official enough to convince the owner of the ranch to give them free access to check out the odd happenings that had been reported recently in the area.

"Hey there…..it's okay….." Dipper climbed over the fence and cautiously approached one of the cows. Once the neurotic young man was positive that he wasn't going to scare the docile creature, he got to right work and started examining the cattle one after the other. "Okay, start checking for any signs of...wait….already got one!"

The girls both easily spotted the twin puncture wounds in one cow's neck before he could even point them out to them.

"Oooohhh, you poor thing!" Mabel stroked its nose. "That must've hurt, huh?"

Thankfully this particular cow didn't seem to care all that much. It just gave them all a blank stare as it continued chewing its cud. Wendy checked another one and found a similar freshly scabbed wound. The more the three looked, the more that they found. It looked as if nearly every other cow had been attacked.

"Man, it's been striking like crazy around here." The redhead exclaimed.

"It" had been an absolute mystery to the exasperated rancher that they had spoken to earlier. But the Mystery Trio were all pretty confident that they knew what they were dealing with here. After all, according to the legends there was only one creature that prowled the southwestern borderlands and fed ravenously on the blood of livestock.

"Oh, wow." Dipper grimaced as he found a cow with a particularly badly bitten-up neck and shoulder. "Chupacabra got you good, huh?"

"Awww!" Mabel had been making sure to pet every single victim that they discovered, and this one was no exception. She promptly raced over to shower it with affection. "Well at least you're a toughie, aren't you girl? You're not going to let some stupid bloodsucker get you down, huh?"

The animal turned its head and took Dipper by surprise with a lick.

"Gah!" His face was now dripping wet with saliva. "Seriously?"

"I think she just said yes." Quaking under the force of her own laughter, Mabel whipped off the bright green bandana she was using to tie back her hair (which properly matched her bright green cardigan, of course) and started to wipe down her twin.

"So, I guess we're setting up a watch tonight?" Wendy chuckled.

"Yeah." Dipper nodded. "Chupacabras are supposed to be nocturnal."

"Then it looks like we're going to have to split up a little if we want any chance of spotting this thing." The experienced huntress said as she scanned the surrounding area.

Mabel tittered delightedly as the cow tickled her cheeks with another friendly lick. "I call right around here!"

"Hey, Mabes? You know you're gonna have to hide out on the other side of the fence, right?" Wendy laughed.

"Pffft!" The brunette scoffed. "Course I know that! Why do you think I'm getting all my petting in now? Give Mabel some credit here…."


"Oh c'mon…."

Dipper groaned as he quietly crept up on his sister's patrol zone. Even in the meager light of the stars and moon above he could still see her clearly standing among the cattle, busily stroking the head of one drowsy cow and tittering nonstop with pure joy. The young man broke cover and came up to the fence.

"Mabel?" He whispered. "Mabel!"

"Hey bro-bro!" She answered back loudly, as if their the current risk of scaring off any nearby bloodsucking predators wasn't running high enough already. He raised a finger to his lips and she lowered her voice. "Ooh, right! Sorry!"

"What are you doing?" Her brother demanded. "You can't be out in the open like this."

"I know, but I missed one from earlier today!" She nodded to the cow who was currently getting petted between the ears.

"So?"

"I didn't want her to feel left out!" The young woman justified.

Dipper knew all too well that literally no force on earth could make his sister stop before she was through here."Okay, fine. But finish up and take cover again soon, okay?"

"Okay!" Mabel shot him a look. "Hey, wait a sec! What are you doing out in the open?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, I was-"

"You're being a huge Dipocrite right now!" She huffed at the injustice. "You know that?"

"Sorry! Look, I know, I know. I just wanted to check up on you." He explained. "Sorry."

"Oh!" Her accusatory frown switched back into her trademark smile. "Well, thank you! But you didn't have to come all the way here, silly. You just could have radioed in!"

She took out her walkie-talkie and waved it at him. Dipper shook his head. "I did. I tried just a couple minutes ago, but my batteries are dead."

"Really? How did that happen? I put in new ones today." Exclaimed his puzzled sibling.

"Well, they're already drained somehow." Dipper scowled at the infernal devices. "Knew we shouldn't have cheaped out. Can you try radioing Wendy for me?"

"Sure thing! Mystery Twins to Lumberjill Queen! Mystery Twins to Lumberjill Queen! Come in, Lumberjill Queen!" Mabel tried to contact their friend, but she didn't even get any static. "What the….aw, my batteries are dead too!"

"Probably should have seen that coming." He groaned. What made all this especially annoying was the fact this was their Plan B due to the incredibly poor phone reception out here. "I'll go check on her."

"I'm sure she's fine." Mabel rolled her eyes at her brother..

"I know. I just….I just want to make sure." The neurotic young man replied lamely. His twin shrugged.

"Fine, do what you gotta do. I'll be done here in just a jiffy!" She assured while waving him off. Dipper followed the fence down through his own assigned spot and over into Wendy's designated area.

"Wendy?" He didn't see any sign of the redhead anywhere in the moonlit scrubland. The young man called a little louder, "Wendy?"

"Yeah?" A nearby bush stood up and replied. Dipper jumped nearly two feet straight into the air, and Wendy burst out laughing.

"Sorry. I don't really know what else I should have expected." He mumbled apologetically.

As usual, Wendy had gone all-out with camouflage. Even in this relatively sparse environment she had still managed to scrounge enough branches to thread into her hair and tie to strategic spots on her arms and legs.

"So what's up?" She asked. "Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine. Our walkie talkies aren't working, so I just wanted to…." Dipper was now starting to feel a silly about this whole thing, seeing as how she was clearly doing just fine for the moment. It was an understatement to say that Wendy was someone who could definitely take care of herself. "You know, just check in."

While he sheepishly averted his gaze, Wendy automatically lit up the night with a toothy smile . She couldn't help it, really. The young woman wasn't sure why, but she suddenly decided right then and there that if she ever had to pick her favorite thing about her best friend, it was that she could always trust him to have her back no matter where and when.

"I was wondering why I hadn't from you dorks. I'm okay." She then reminded him with a snort, "In case you haven't noticed, I'm kinda in my element out here."

"I can definitely see that." He chuckled. "Sorry, only making sure….though now I'm not sure why."

"It's fine. I could use a break anyway." She stretched her stiff body, adjusted her camouflage, then started checking over the small arsenal she had on her. In order she checked her crossbow, her bolts, her trusty hatchet, and was about to take her hunting knife out when she asked, "Hey, you okay?"

Dipper didn't realize he had been watching her so intently. "Huh? Oh! Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I guess I was…."

He paused and scratched his shoulder. Wendy meanwhile waited for her answer. Dipper finally forced himself to tell her the truth. "Have I told you that you're still the coolest person that I know?"

The corners of her mouth curled higher into an even bigger grin, and Wendy promptly proceeded to walk back her earlier decision. If she seriously had to pick a favorite thing about the doofus, then it would have to be the fact that he was the undisputed champ when it came boosting her self-esteem, regardless of whether she even needed it or not.

"You mean so far this trip? Not that I know of." She then cupped a hand over her ear.

"I knew you were going to make me regret that." Dipper said with mock-dismay.

"Yeah I am." She gestured. "C'mon, let's go."

"What? I basically said it just a second ago."

"Nope, sorry. Doesn't count." She cackled.

"Says who?"

"Says me." She pointed her unloaded weapon and playfully threatened him. "Now make with the compliment."

"Fine." He laughed. "But only because you're the one holding the crossbow-"

The silly fun came to an abrupt end when Wendy's entire body suddenly went as tense as a bowstring. Dipper immediately went on full alert. At her signal they both hit the ground, with him hiding himself behind the nearby shrub while the camouflaged redhead almost became one with it.

"You hear something?"

"Shh!" She hushed, and he sealed his lips tight. Wendy's eyes swiftly locked onto an indistinguishable animal skulking around further down the fence. A few half-awake cows warily backed away from the nighttime stalker.

"Do you think-" Dipper saw that he was talking to nobody. Wendy had already taken off at a hard sprint, inexplicably leaving her quiver and crossbow behind in the dirt. The shadowy shape in the distance took off towards the safety of the surrounding scrubland but the redhead was swiftly closing the gap between them. Dipper chased after his friend.

"Mabel! Come in! I think that we've sighted-" He tried radioing in before remembering that it was no use. Dipper clumsily pocketed the walkie-talkie before he began pumping his scrawny arms as hard as he could. "Wendy? Wendy! What are you doing? WENDY!"

He watched with horror as Wendy leapt and tackled her prey to the ground. Dipper had never seen a live chupacabra before, but according to numerous sightings they were supposed to have long spines running down the center of their backs. For a heart-stoppingly terrifying moment he thought his friend had just impaled herself. He put on an extra burst of speed, but when he caught up and shined his flashlight on the two rolling around on the ground he was in for a big surprise. His friend was unharmed, but that was because she wasn't wrestling with a spiny, bloodthirsty monster. Instead it was nothing more than a frightenedcoyote that struggled in her grasp. The wild canine thrashed and squirmed until by some miracle it slipped free. It ran a couple yards to a safer distance, turned around and snarled at its attacker.

To everyone's surprise, including Wendy's, she replied by bristling and unleashing a quick barking frenzy. The instant she realized what she had just done the redhead clapped her hands tightly over her mouth. Meanwhile tucked its tail between its legs and slunk off with a whimper, leaving behind a mortified young woman and a very confused young man.

"Uh….Wendy? What just happened?"

"I….I think I just got really territorial." She unhappily guessed. Dipper couldn't see the blush lighting up her face thanks to the cover of the night, but it was still obvious that she was feeling pretty embarrassed.

"Hey, it's okay-"

"What? No, it's totally not okay!" She snapped.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Dude, didn't you see me now? I lost my mind and just...just totally wolfed out! I wasn't even…." She buried her face in her hands. "Sorry. I thought I had this all out of my system."

Dipper stared wordlessly at her for a few seconds before he cracked up.

"Look, I seriously couldn't control it." Wendy groaned.

"Sorry, sorry. No, it's not that. It's just…." He tried to explain around his laughter. "It's…I don't get what's going on right now."

"Huh?"

"I honestly have no idea why you're so upset." He clarified.

"Because….I went and attacked a coyote just because it got too close to us?" His friend answered. "Dude, that's not really a thing that people do."

"No, I get that. I just don't get….. like, am I supposed to be weirded out or something here?" He asked her point blank.

"I…." Wendy stopped to actually think about it. "IIIIIII…..don't know….I guess….at least, I think I guess…."

"But how would that even be possible? You're talking to the guy who was a deer just a few days ago! No, not even that! I was deer from the waist down only!" He reminded her.

"You got me there." She sprouted a wan grin as soon as she saw where he was getting at.

"Wendy, the only reason we're even out here right now is so we can try and catch a monster that drinks cow blood, and why? Because my great uncle who got stuck in a different dimension for thirty years told us we had to!"

She snorted. "I guess….maybe I got upset because it's like….a new kind of strange thing for us, and then I..."

Wendy erupted with laughter, and Dipper joined on in Soon the two were chortling together like a pair of lunatics.

"You know what? I seriously don't think I have any clue anymore why I freaked out so hard." She confessed.

"Good, because you're totally fine. Strange is just our thing. It's totally fine." He assured her matter-of-factly.

"Yeah. I just can't believe I found a way to forget that." She laughed as they started walking back to the edge of the ranch.

"You're fine." He repeated, and followed up with a quick pat her back.

As a fresh smile crept across her face, Wendy visited her mental list again for yet another revision. This right here was hands-down the best thing about Dipper. The big doofus could definitely get a little tongue tied at times for any number of reasons, to put it kindly. But he always seemed to know exactly what to say whenever it really counted.

She finally realized that she had been devoting a strange amount of time and mental energy on these rankings. And why that was exactly was frankly beyond her. And what made even less sense to her was why on earth she had gotten in such a tizzy right now. What happened back there? Where did all that embarrassment come from? Was it just because she did something strange? Or was it just because she had gone on a random chase and he had watched the whole thing? Why would that even matter? This was Dipper, after all. They had both seen one another in plenty of far weirder moments over the years they'd known one another (one notable incident involving a lamb costume sprang immediately to mind).

At least one thing was definitely clear; her mind was going to a lot of odd places tonight.

"I'm actually pretty glad you're still feeling off." Dipper suddenly admitted out loud. It was with a great deal of relief that Wendy pushed her muddle of thoughts to the back of her mind so she could rejoin him in the present.

"Wait, you too?"

"Not as bad as you, but yeah. Confession; when we first got here I took a look at the cows, saw them grazing and thought, 'Hey that's a pretty good idea.'"

"No way." She snickered. "Seriously?"

"Oh yeah." He nodded. "For a moment I really thought nothing would be better if I just stuck my-"

They were interrupted when a shrill shriek rent the night.


Mabel had been feeling quite pleased with herself. She was feeling so proud actually that she stuck around around with her bovine buddies just so she could boast to someone.

"...I did it right in front of their faces! Can you believe it?" The matchmaker giggled. 'We were all right there in the RV together, but I still managed to take the old batteries out, clack them in my hands, pop them back in, and they don't notice! And did you see me back there just now? When I was all, 'Oh I'm sure Wendy's fine?' Pretty good acting, right? Now that's how you cover your tracks... "

The cow merely yawned as it let her pet its nose. The few cattle around her that were still awake all looked like they were on the verge of dozing off, with only a single exception. There was one cow that looked wide awake as it trotted directly towards Mabel.

"Hey there! Are you looking for a nice big pat on the head? That's an order Mabel can definitely fill-"

She watch the two enormous fangs suddenly protrude from its mouth, and she barely leapt back in time. The cow chomped empty air where her neck had been only a moment before. Formerly sleepy cattle now started to wake up and trot away in a hurry. Lucky for them (and most unfortunately for Mabel), the fanged predator had locked onto the unlucky brunette with a hungry gaze.

"Whoa, hold on!" She could see its eyes glow with a bright crimson. "Wait a sec-"

It opened wide, and that was when she shrieked to the high heavens, turned and ran off. The hungry animal stampeded hot on her heels.

"Bad cow! Bad cow!" She gasped while she ran for her very life. Seconds later Dipper and Wendy had arrived on the scene.

"Holy-" She started to exclaim.

"Cow?" Dipper gasped as he put two and two together. "It's a cow?"

Mabel meanwhile didn't notice the rock up ahead of her until she tripped over it and went sprawling onto her stomach. Her hunter stood over her and licked its lips. Little did the cocky beast know, none of the Pines never went down without putting up a fight first. In one quick movement she reached into her pocket, spun onto her back and hurled out a handful of attack glitter. The cow cried out as it was briefly blinded by a cloud of sparkling pink. In a fury it started to flail, stomp and snap. Mabel thrashed and rolled about on the ground while she tried to avoid the mix of hooves and fangs.

"You leave her alone!" Wendy hurled herself right on top of the animal without even the slightest hesitation. She yanked its ears and the animal bellowed with rage. As it tried bucking the redhead back off, Dipper rushed in and narrowly avoided getting kicked right in the head while he hauled his sister away to safety.

"Cow! H-hungry! Biting! TEETH!" Mabel yelled.

"I know I know!" He gasped.

The vampiric cow was now hissing like a snake as it tried throwing Wendy. The feisty young woman however held on doggedly no matter how furiously it jerked its body.

"Wendy!" Dipper cried.

"Dipper, look!" Mabel pointed at a nearby bush as she whipped out her trusty grappling hook. He didn't even need to ask whether she was thinking of trying the old tripwire maneuver. She aimed, fired, and successfully hooked the base of the shrub. Dipper hurriedly wrapped his arms tightly around her, both dug in their heels and pulled the line tight just as the bucking cow bungled right into it. The animal sent Wendy tumbling as it fell over. While it lay in a dazed heap both the twins sprang forward. Moving fast, together they bound its ankles tightly with the hookline and they soon had it successfully tied up.

"You okay?" Dipper checked his twin over.

"I'm okay!" She answered with a triumphant smile. Dipper still checked her over anyway, and when after he came up clear the relieved young man dashed over to where their friend lay.

"Wendy? Wendy!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine." After picking herself up off the ground she grinned and cracked, "Hey, not bad for a first time rodeo, huh?"

"Definitely not." Once he was positive that she was okay, Dipper allowed himself a moment to marvel at her bravery.

"What?" She laughed. He was giving her that look again.

"Still the coolest person I know." He said simply. Wendy saw the heartfelt compliment coming from a mile away, but her smile still managed to grow a lot more than she expected.

The lumberjill chuckled as she gave the big flatterer a push. "Don't you forget it."

"Trust me, I won't." Together they turned their attention back to their four-legged prisoner. "Well, I guess this is our 'chupacabra'."

Except for some scrapes, scratches and a ruined sweater, Mabel was none the worse from the chase. Having already made one of her famously speedy recoveries, she was now curiously examining her attacker.

"Who knew that it'd actually be an inside job?" She wondered. The cow-pire snarled at her, but the unfazed young woman blew a wet raspberry at it. "Creepy stupid...hey, did we pack a UV light?"

Her brother jogged his memory. "No, don't think so."

"No problem." Wendy shrugged. "We just leave it out here and let the sun take care of it at the crack of dawn, right?"

"Yeah!" Mabel agreed. Dipper however wasn't so sure.

"You okay?" Wendy asked. "What's wrong?"

"I want to say yes, but…." He looked at the thrashing monster. Something wasn't sitting right with him at all. "If this is who's been feeding off the milk cows every night….then where's it been hiding during the day?"

Neither of the girls could think of a good theory. Wendy looked around the surrounding landscape. This definitely wasn't the kind of environment that lent itself easily to caves.

"You're right. Not like it can get a coffin for itself or anything." Mabel started giggling to herself. "Haha! Cow-fin."

"Huh….." Dipper scratched his head, then decided. "You know, I think maybe we need to make a call…."

A few minutes later they were gathered in the RV speaking to a very disappointed paranormal expert back in Oregon.

"...For once I thought we were going to get a chupacabra confirmation. But instead…." Ford sighed. "I don't even want to think how many of my own investigation have turned out to be nothing more than run-of-the-mill cases of vampirism. Well, good work anyways."

"No problemo, Grunkle Ford!" Mabel chirped.

"Thanks. So….is it okay if we just like, let the sun take care of it tomorrow morning?" Asked Dipper.

"Oh, I definitely wouldn't leave it. Otherwise some ranch hand is just going to find it, untie it and it'll keep right on feeding on the rest of the herd."

"What? No!" Mabel yelped. "Those poor cows have suffered enough!"

"How's that possible?" Wendy demanded.

"Vampirism affects some species differently than others. Certain bovids like the common cattle are a good example of this. For example, they may experience the same thirst for blood, but they can't change anyone unless they've drained a victim of all of it. But more pertinent to our current situation is the fact that vampiric cows all have sun-resistance. At least all the ones I've encountered in my time."

"So how do we get rid of this then?"

"Well, there's actually a pretty easy way to go about it, but…." Ford grew a little hesitant. "Let me start off and say I know this from experience."

"Um, okay?" Said Mabel.

"Why did you have to say that?" Dipper asked. Their great-uncle grimaced apologetically into his camera.

"Because what I'm about to tell you is going to sound a lot like one of Stan's terrible jokes more than a legitimate recommendation..."


There wasn't much to the little main street of the nearby town. And with it being so late at night, there wasn't so much as a single soul to be found. That made for a pretty fuss-free entrance into the local grocers, which of course had long since closed for the night. After double-checking to make sure no one was around, Dipper slipped the President's Key into the lock (an old gift courtesy of the eighth and a half president of the United States) and the back door popped right open. Wendy took a preliminary glance, and after noting the location of the security cameras, she stealthily slipped in. Only a minute later she returned to the twins with their prize.

"It was three ninety nine a pound." She whispered.

"Really?" Mabel grinned as she and her twin dug out their wallets "Oh that's not bad at all!"

"Yeah, looks like they have a sale going on."

"How big is this piece?" Dipper nodded to the cut of meat that their friend had nabbed.

"Like, two pounds."

"We'll make it eight then." They pooled enough cash, Wendy slipped back in, left the money on the butcher's counter and made a speedy return. They quickly locked the door back up and a few minutes later they were speeding back towards the ranch aboard the Lady Mabelton.

"So we seriously just show it this, and it's done for?" Wendy double-checked. "Or do we need to like, freeze it and try to stab-"

"Nope!" Mabel chirped as she piloted the clunky vehicle. "The Dra-cow-la only needs to look at it, and then it'll be donesies for good!"

"Seriously? It's that easy?"

"That's what Grunkle Ford says! It's gonna freak out and get alllll shrivel-y and dusty."

"Sweet." Wendy grinned. She then turned around in the passenger's seat back to check on Dipper. Now that their emergency shopping trip was complete he was now fuming up a fresh storm, just like he did after their conversation with Ford. The scowling young man sat at the table with arms folded. She sniggered at the ridiculous sight he cut. "Dude, will you lighten up already?"

"No." he flatly refused.

"C'mon man."

He shook his head. "No. I can't. This is….this just so…."

He couldn't handle it. Suddenly he was up and walking around as he launched into a mini-rant. "I just don't believe it! Why? Just why?! This isn't a way to get rid of a blood-hungry danger! This isn't a way to get rid of anything at all! Why do we have to kill the vampire with a….a….a…."

Dipper was so upset he couldn't even bring himself to say it. His friend however was more than happy to finish for him. "A steak?"

He unhappily sat himself back down. "Just….so….I can't even…."

Mabel glanced up into the rearview mirror, took one look at her brother's face and only barely held back an excited giggle-burst. The matchmaker knew a golden opportunity when she saw one.

"Oh Wendyyyyy!" She eagerly sang. "Can you go take care of Grumplestiltskin here?"

"Can do." She vacated the passenger seat and plopped herself next to her sulky friend.

"Dude, we're about to pull off an easy win for once. Can you just let it go?"

"I can't. I seriously can't." He buried his face in his hands.

Wendy didn't know why she couldn't stop it, but she just had to go revise her weird mental rankings for the fourth and hopefully final time that night. It was in first place by only a hairsbreadth, but this right here was her official favorite thing about the dork. The look he would get whenever he got this steamed never, ever failed to make her laugh.

"Hey, what happened to 'strange is our thing?'" She asked with a snorting chuckle. Dipper's groan echoed throughout the vehicle alongside the sounds of her mirth.

"There's a huge difference between strange and just plain stupid…."