Author's Note: This is one of the final chapters of this fic. I really have to wrap it up in the next couple of days... I thank everyone who has reviewed so far! I really appreciate it :)
Disclaimer: not mine
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The annoying sound seemed to seep its way into Jane's mind as he tried to focus on the images that were playing in his mind. He wasn't quite certain whether he was awake or dreaming, but he knew that he would much prefer the state that he was in if the irritating noise would disappear. He let himself slip back into the world where he could no longer hear or feel what was going on around him; all he could see were the smiling faces of his wife and daughter as they walked down a familiar path that was bathed in sunlight. All of a sudden the sky above him grew dark and the wind picked up and he saw his beautiful family being torn away from him and no matter how much he tried to fight against the wind, he just couldn't make it to them, he couldn't save them. He started to convulse in his bed as the sounds of evil laughter filled his mind- the words "your fault" spinning around and around in his mind.
The beeping of the heart monitor increased in speed and intensity as the doctors rushed into the room in order to try and stop the convulsions. After injecting him with a sedative, Jane calmed down and fell back into a deep but dreamless sleep. He had no idea that a thoroughly panicked Lisbon had been watching the whole ordeal through the glass walls of the room.
She had been brought in to the hospital and kept for observations but the doctors were not overly concerned about her. They attributed her loss of consciousness to the shock of finding Patrick lying on his family's grave with a gun in his hand and serious blood loss seemingly coming from a wound in his head. He had pulled through and was in stable condition now, a fact for which she was deeply grateful, but she had no idea how he would react when he woke up. She hoped that he would one day become the smiling, scheming Patrick Jane that her and her team had come to know and love. Yes, she thought to herself, love.
She felt so unbelievably guilty about what had happened to him; after all, it was obvious that he didn't much care for his own well being and so it had become her main responsibility to make sure that he avoided doing anything stupid that would put him or others in danger. She had failed him and she had neglected this responsibility. His self destruction was caused because of something that she had said and no matter what the others assured her, she could not help but torture herself because of it. She was in so deep now and she had no idea how, or even if, she could ever make things better again.
As she rose to her feet, unshed tears were glistening in her eyes as she contemplated the decision that she had to make. Lisbon grabbed her coat and turned on her heel, making for the door all the while thinking that the best thing that she could to for him was to walk away.
Jane awoke to an empty hospital room, the dull beeping of his heart rate monitor still echoing in the back of his mind. He wondered how he had come to be in the hospital and who it was that had found him after he had tried to go and join his family once and for all. He had a suspicion, but he chose not to think about it because that thought was too painful.
He vaguely wondered if Lisbon had even been in to see him; he assumed that she would have because she was the kind of person who would be letting their last conversation replay over and over in her mind, trying to blame herself for his actions. 'As she should,' he thought venomously for a second before taking it back and feeling ashamed of himself. It wasn't entirely her fault and she should not be held responsible for his actions, he concluded. She had merely voiced what he knew in his head all along: that he was trying to project his emotions and pain onto her and by trying to 'help' her, he was actually trying to avoid taking responsibility for his actions, especially those pertaining to her. This realization left him feeling tired and emotionally drained. He leaned back against his pillows, wondering where Lisbon was and what she was doing. On the one hand he wanted to talk to her and to try to make things right, but on the other hand he wasn't sure if he could ever really face seeing her again, especially after what he had just done to himself.
He wished that there was a way that he could go back in time and undo the events of the last couple of days but he knew that that was impossible. Once again he would have to live with the outcomes of his behaviour and he knew what his first step was going to be.
Three long weeks later Jane was released from the hospital and the first thing he did was take a cab to Lisbon's house in the hope that he might be able to talk to her and try to make things right. He climbed out of the car with a certain intensity and made his way up the steps to her door but stopped dead in his tracks when he realized that her car was not in its usual parking spot AND there was a number of strange possessions littering the front of the house that Jane was pretty sure did not belong to Lisbon. He peered through the windows only to confirm his suspicions before he sat down on the steps. Did Lisbon not live here anymore? And if not, where on earth would she have gone?
He half walked- half ran the couple of blocks to the CBI headquarters where he was cheerfully greeted by the security guard at the gate as he entered.
"Good morning Mr. Jane! Glad to see you're feeling better!"
Jane gave him a quick nod and a smile before proceeding up to the floor where the Serious Crimes Unit worked. He realized quickly that he had not been in this building since the morning of the anniversary of his wife and daughter's death.
As he walked into the bullpen he was welcomed cheerfully by his co-workers. He graciously accepted their well-wishes before politely excusing himself to go and find Lisbon as she was probably in her office. He arrived at her office only to find it vacated temporarily; he was quite confused and went to go and try and find out what was going on with Lisbon from one of the team. Cho, he thought, would be the most likely to provide him with that information.
"Hey Cho!" Jane called as he picked up his pace to catch up with the agent. "Do you know where Lisbon is?"
Cho turned around and looked at him for a moment, clearly deciding whether or not he should disclose that information.
"Come on, I know you know." Jane continued to badger him until he finally gave in.
"She got offered a job on the east coast. She starts in a week so she is probably trying to get everything ready for the move. She's staying at the Pine Lodge until she leaves, you'd better hurry though. And… don't tell her I told you. "
Jane thanked Cho quickly before rushing off to find her. There was no way that he could let her just up and leave like that. They had so much stuff to sort through and… he didn't think that he could live without her. She had been a constant in his life for so long, and he had to admit that he couldn't picture his life without her. It was that realization that led him to the Pine Lodge and that found him knocking frantically on her door.
TBC
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