I think this is going to be the penultimate chapter of this fic.
I think ten chapters will be longer enough. Also, I'm running out of stuff to write about :P
And to think, this just started out as a humble one-shot...
Anyway, don't forget to throw some reviews at me.
And - and this may come as a shock to you - I still don't actually own Glee.
St Hummel Smut Part Nine
Rachel Berry's bedroom was just as painfully garish as the last time I was there. I was glad I was wearing my sunglasses as they blocked out some of the primary colours, although I was only wearing them to cover up the hideous bags under my eyes. I may have been just as depressed and heartbroken as Rachel, but that didn't mean I had to look like I was.
"So why exactly are you here, Kurt?" she said in a voice much quieter than was usual for her.
She looked just as broken as ever, sitting on the edge of her bed with her hands on her lap, although it was clear she was healing slightly. It looked as if she'd started combing her hair again. But she was still rather fragile and vulnerable looking, which was sort of unnerving. As much as I couldn't stand the old, grating, insufferable Rachel, I kind of wanted her back.
"I'm here to build some bridges," I said. "And to tell you that, as much as it hurts me to admit... you were right."
She looked at me quizzically. "Right about what?"
"Jesse and I have separated," I said, deciding not to draw it out. "It turns out that, in the beginning at least, it really was all a set up to destroy our Glee Club."
Rachel's eyes got comically wider. She looked as if she was somewhere between laughing hysterically and getting up to hug me. Instead she muttered "I'm... I'm so sorry, Kurt."
"Please, I'm the one that should be apologising," I said. "I should have listened to you. You knew straight away that he was going to screw me over and mess my life up and you tried to warn me, but I was too busy falling in love with him to pay any attention. Instead I just let it all spiral out of control. And now I feel so hollow and empty and like... like..."
"Like you'll never be happy again?" Rachel offered.
"Exactly," I nodded. "What he did to me... it was like what he did to you, but so much worse."
"Why?" she said curiously. "What did he do?"
I sighed. God, where do I begin?
"I thought that he really cared about me," I said. "He said he did. But he was just going to break up with me like he did with you. That's what he said when he explained it all to me. He was going to make me fall for him and then dump me, so that the two best singers in New Directions were too heartbroken to perform."
"He said we were the two best singers in New Directions?" she suddenly asked, momentarily distracted.
"I know, I was flattered too, but that's not the point," I said. "The point is that he changed his mind. He didn't want to hurt me so instead of leaving me heartbroken, he decided to make me fall even more in love with him and then convince me to join Vocal Adrenaline."
"What?" she cried, looking outraged at the very idea.
"I nearly did too," I continued. "He kept on saying that I was underappreciated with you guys and only he truly understood me. There was nobody that loved me as much as he did. It was so difficult not to believe every word of it, especially considering how amazing all the sex was."
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that last part. So, erm... so what made you finally see the light?"
"I caught him cheating on me," I said, frowning at the memory. "With that VA bitch, Giselle Turner."
"That bastard!" said Rachel angrily. "How could he...?"
"It wasn't him," I interrupted. "Not really. It was all her. She set us both up because she was jealous that Jesse was actually falling for me and it wasn't part of their plan."
"But still, he was lying to you and cheating on you," she insisted. "He deserves to be with Giselle. They're just as manipulative and heartless as each other. Good riddance."
Rachel suddenly looked happier than I'd seen her in ages. "Oh, this is wonderful, Kurt. We have both survived the horrors of a relationship with Jesse St. James, and now we are free to be strong and independent and, more importantly, to hate him."
"I don't hate him," I said before I could stop myself.
Rachel looked at me as if I was completely insane.
"How can you not hate him?" she said incredulously. "What he did to you was considerably more terrible than what he did to me, and yet I loathe him with a burning passion and picture him being mauled by wild animals on a semi-regular basis. Why don't you hate him?"
"Because I love him, okay!" I cried, feeling stupid. "In spite of my better judgement, I still love him and he loves me! Now go ahead and tell me I'm an idiot."
"You're an idiot," she said, folding her arms. "He doesn't deserve your love after everything he did. Okay, I admit that it took me a while to get over him, but I at least understand that he is poison and we are both better off without him."
"I know," I said, exasperated. "I know he's terrible for me and I should just forget about him. And I'm not saying that I forgive him for what he did. I am never going to forgive him. But... you don't understand, it's complicated. It wasn't like when he was with you. He genuinely fell for me, he didn't mean to but he did. That's why the plan was changed. He was only trying to turn me against you guys so that he wouldn't have to lose me, and he only slept with Giselle because she was threatening to tell me everything. He really loved me, he still does. And, even though I wish more than anything that I didn't, I still love him too."
Rachel still looked a little sceptical.
"You need to forget about him, Kurt," she said seriously. "No good can come from dwelling on it all. Trust me, it's really not healthy. And if what you say is true and he really does love you, then he'll know to leave you alone."
I nodded sadly. "Yeah... yeah, you're right."
"We need to focus," she said, that old determination back in her voice. "We need to forget about Jesse St. James and focus on Regionals. We need to show those jerks at Vocal Adrenaline that they've failed at destroying New Directions' two best singers."
I couldn't help but grin. That old Rachel Berry drive was oddly comforting.
"I'm sure that, once you've explained everything, the rest of the Glee Club will forgive you and welcome you back with open arms," she said. "Well, after all the obligatory I-told-you-so's, of course."
"Of course," I sighed.
That was one thing I wasn't looked forward to – having to prove the whole Glee Club right.
I was back with Vocal Adrenaline. Back where I belonged, apparently. But I wasn't even speaking to my teammates outside of rehearsals. In fact, I was barely speaking to any of them even during rehearsals. I was focusing entirely on our number for Regionals. My mind was set on winning and nothing else. I was training harder than anybody and staying late after every rehearsal to practice. Coach Shelby was extremely pleased with my sudden burst of determination and encouraged everyone else to take a leaf out of my book if we really wanted to win.
But the truth was that I was only training so hard because it was a distraction. If I was busy thinking about song lyrics and dance steps then I wouldn't be thinking about Kurt. And if I started thinking about Kurt then I'd be too depressed to do anything other than cry. This wasn't the time for tears. Emotions had no place in a champion show choir.
"I see you're done sobbing over that silly little queen," said Giselle with a smirk, cornering me during our Red Bull break. "Good for you."
"I don't have anything to say to you," I said, my voice sounding cold.
"Now come on, Jesse," she said insistently. "What happened to forgive and forget?"
I just glared at her. Could she not just take the hint and leave me alone?
"You really need to relax a little, honey," she said, stepping a little closer to me. "I can think of a few ways to loosen you up."
She tried to rest her hands on my chest but I slapped them away.
"Don't touch me," I said slowly.
I had to keep on repeating in my head that it was wrong to hit a girl. Even if that girl had it coming.
"For fuck sake, Jesse, what's wrong with you?" she said, looking outraged.
"You are what is wrong with me," I said. "Now take the hint and stop talking to me. Find someone else to be your fuck buddy."
I was about to walk away from her, but turned around and said "Oh, and you might want to try practicing your vocals a little more, Turner. You're starting to sound flat."
Luckily she stopped trying to talk to me after that, although I was getting a lot of dirty looks from across the choir room. I knew that this steely determination was making me seem cold and mean, but I was too unhappy to care. I wasn't sure what I was going to do after this year's show choir competitions were over, as rehearing was such a good distraction from my pain. Nothing was ever going to make me completely forget Kurt. He was the first and only person I had ever been in love with, I couldn't just pretend it had happened. I was sure that even after I went off to college in Los Angeles I'd never get over him. Other guys and other girls would most likely come along, but they'd never compare to Kurt. No one in the world was as perfect as him.
It was times like this that I wished I had a friend. A real friend, I mean. Sure, I had lots of acquaintances. I was extremely popular around the halls of Carmel High, but I didn't have any actual friends. I had no one who I could go and talk to, no one who really cared. I envied Kurt in that respect. He had lots of real friends who he could turn to in a crisis. I was sure that they'd still be there for him, even after everything I did to turn him against them. I really wish I had that. Instead I had nobody – no friends, no brothers or sisters, I couldn't even talk to my parents because they were never around. All I had was my own brain for company. Once the distraction of Regionals and Nationals was over, I was surely going to go insane.
Hope you enjoyed, Humble Readers.
Hopefully the next (and last) chapter won't take to long. *crosses fingers*
Reviews are still very much equal to love, St. Hummel fans :)
xxx
