Brainwashed. Totally brainwashed.
Feeling the pang of guilt and regret, I lousily walked to a dirty pile, which happened to be my clothes as I realized it, and dug through. I lifted with cell phone in hand. Flipping it open, a disappointed sigh escaped my lips. No calls for today. Not even from Angel.
I walked back with no piece of clothing at all, kneeling beside Hikari, the guilt throbbing harder and louder inside of me, roaring and drowning my sanity. As I told you, never ever believe when I told you I don't love her anymore, 'cause I know in myself that I don't really mean it, no matter how hard I want to get her out of my head, the regret would always be there in the end. Now my sin can never be reversed.
Had you made the right decision, never would you suffer this. A voice inside my head said in a very sympathetic comment, if you would like to call it sympathetic. I caressed her hair and said, not to her, but to the source of my stupid powers. "Like I can distinguish right from wrong back then."
He, if judged by the voice as a male, commented with a very irritating tone with, Where's your head? And hastily added the word, Master.
"I hate you."
I got up and dressed. And I was shocked, too stunned even, when I found myself standing and realizing that I was in my apartment. I got.. err –Should I say it?- tired from –Should I really say this one?- perhaps entertaining myself with her. I can't believe I'm saying something so stupid.
I had this reminiscence, me crawling on all fours before her, chained, leashed.
I had been an object of ridicule.
Of defeat.
An evidence of her manipulative power.
I was her trace.
Soon my love had bloomed within her hatred and disgust and before I knew it, I had an obsession that bloomed now into hatred that, ironically, protects her love. Or was it unknown that her love had been built through the same process as had mine? I don't know. I hardly ever did. Even with all this drama, I never understood a single thing I said.
My back turned to Hikari, I hear her moan and call my name. A sound of crumpling sheet of blanket scrubbed together and when I turned around, it's her back that is turned to me. The blanket was over her from waist until her ankle. Her naked back was smooth and white, and I shuddered at the thought of… you guess what. I buttoned up my shirt and slung my bag over my shoulder. I left my apartment with consuming dread.
Time was passing behind me, so does the street, the busy people who hurried along the sidewalk, minding their businesses and that alone. But my mind had been processing on the destruction of the dread inside of me, busy erasing the memory of my Queen seeing me, perhaps when I was sleeping, with yet another girl. How would she react? I never really thought about it, but either she would ignore it or punish me to death. As a matter of fact I'd rather have her kill me before my insanity does. A hard bump is felt on my shoulder and it stings a little, but I noticed that it was the wall of the school, and I was already near the gate. I stride toward it and almost run to my classroom. I banged it open and close behind me. No one looked at me, especially with the loud-and-irritating-so-intolerable noise made almost by the whole class. Normally I could casually walk to my seat, but when you know that there's a certain someone that sits beside you, already there, you know your only option is to walk awkwardly. It's ironically normal if you ask me.
"A step, Hana. A step." I convince myself. I took one step.
"Another." One step.
"And another." One step.
"And—" I lost my concentration when she called, not my name, but Miyuri's. I unconsciously sat beside Alexander again.
"Greetings. You're back." I shushed him to silence and tried eavesdropping.
"-failed. Not convinced a bit, Miyuri."
"Course it had been effective." Miyuri said. "Haven't you administered the same drug to almost every kid you encounter?"
"Drug?"
"Charm, sorry."
"Perhaps. But it wasn't enough."
"We'll find a way." Miyuri pats her shoulder. " I promise." She grinned at her, Katja-sama scowling still, but Miyuri's stupidity had shrouded her senses to even notice she's disappointed and angry too. She went back to her seat.
"So? Satisfied?" Alexander whispers to me. I shook my head.
"Can I sit here?"
"You already are."
"For the whole class periods."
"You already had the moment. I believe that's enough."
"It's not!" He glared at my complaint. I fought back the urge to shudder.
"Look. If you really want to solve your dilemma, do something about it. You know, of all people, that running away won't solve anything." He's right. I know he is. But…
"I'm afraid." I lowered my head in embarrassment. He snorted.
"You? Afraid? That's stupid. Your rashness had been inborn it almost killed you. Your carelessness, too. Now you're telling me your afraid? Of what? Of the pending departure of your master?"
"How would you, for example, react when Mafuyu had someone other than you?" I felt the fury inside of me, how he, of all people, cannot understand the way I felt, considering all he had been through. "How would you try to get her back when she constantly refuses? How would you get her love you? Huh? Tell me!" I blinked back the tears that threaten to spill. "What can you do about it?! Can you feel now the helplessness I feel?! Can you understand what I'm through?! CAN YOU?! No you don't! So don't you dare put that question on me, 'cause you have no idea how it feels when the one you love never loved you!" I glared at him, his cold glare melting, stunned, but it didn't matter to me. I snatched my bag up and my voice quivered with emotion, "I even thought you were a real friend." I sprinted toward the recently opened doorway, the tears running down my cheeks. I hopped on the windowpane and jumped from the second floor. For once, I was glad the noise had been loud enough to drown my voice and chaotic enough to have no one to notice my tears that had been stored all these years.
I went to the school garden.
I blinked. And again. It felt like heaven. The flowers around me sparkled in the sunlight. Every petal of different blossom is living its blissful state. This, I thought, is a good place to waste time. I scanned the place, mesmerized, and noticed something wrong. A bad aura had lurked here.
"Mission accomplished. Copper Puppeteer had joined the alliance." A voice had whispered on the far left, covered by big thorny bushes. Warily, I tiptoed behind the bushes, parted the leaves and peered. It was the Magnesium user.
Magnesium, Element 12. Light weight but otherwise, strong. Highly reacts to acid, such as hydrochloric acid.
I held my breath for fear of having myself seen or heard, but my presence seemed oblivious to her. My hands trembled, not because of the fear, but because of the words I just heard. Katja-sama? Alliance? What the heck?
The man, as my instincts had indicated, on the other line had silenced the Qwaser of Magnesium as he delivered further instructions to execute. The Qwaser nodded and flipped her cell phone close. She sprinted westward 'til she vanished. I sighed and stood erect. She never said, which would of course be stupid if she did, that she'd be joining that hideous guild thing, again. Once I stopped her, but this time I don't think that would be happening. I sat on a nearby bench and sulked.
"May I?" I almost jumped out of my skin. What the-
"Hikari?" I said, gaping. She grinned at me, fingers intertwined behind her back. She was wearing a red checkered shirt, which I demand was hot, and black skinny jeans, which I demand sexy. Real hot and sexy.
"Why are you here?" I complained.
"Is that really necessary? I don't think so." She said without looking at me and sat, just next to me, at my right. She noticed the gap between us and moved to occupy it.
"Would you give me love today?" She asks me. I'll admit I turned red.
"What do you mean?" I said casually, or tried to.
"Wouldn't you kiss me? For a bit?" She pouted. Ugghh.. Stop doing that! It makes me…
"No." I sat farther. She followed. Farther. She followed, until I was at the end of the bench already. I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Fine."
I gently kissed her on the cheek. When I released it and looked at her, she was pouting still. "What?" I asked.
"On the lips!" She demanded. She looked like a little girl who badly wants an ice cream. Little girl. Little girl.
Like Katja-sama.
Like my Queen. Like that little girl who had but despise towards me. Maybe. I do not know what to do with her anymore. I realized I was going too far just by thinking so I snapped out of it and raised an eyebrow at her and smiled. I kissed her. When I moved back my head to release it, she leaned closer, reluctant to end it just yet. I almost fell from the bench. So I pushed my head forward. She moaned, that my heart skipped. Maybe she really was the one for me. Maybe she really is my solution for my dilemma. Oh! My dilemma. I'm the dilemma of my own dilemma. She released it to catch her breath. Good. Cause I'm out of breath too.
"A minute~" She smiled at me. Really? I thought it only lasted for 10 seconds. Her hair was slightly disheveled, and I stroked it so it wouldn't show. When I was caressing her hair, I was stunned on how much she was attached to me, and how she never noticed my distant self. She was like a purring cat.
Looking up at me, she asks, "Do you love me?"
Her directness struck me hard, because we've only met for days.
"Attracted." I confessed. But I don't really know if I like her. I'm not sure yet. She, unlike most girls, was definitely satisfied with my answer, which was probably expected from someone you've only met.
That made me relieved. Frail heart I tell you, frail heart.
She looked at her wrist watch and gasped. She kissed me on the cheek and said she would be very late to work if she doesn't move now. I craned my neck. Work?
"What work?" I asked her. She smiled faintly at me and said, "I'm a great chef." With that she winked at me and ran at the direction of the school entrance. My gaze followed her until she's out of my sight's range. I was still looking at the direction I last saw her, and I caught myself smiling. With both hands I pinched my cheeks and scolded myself to snap out of it. For minutes I stared right there. When I turned my head in front of me, I almost had a heart attack. Katja-sama was walking away from me, her long hair swaying in response of the gentle wind, head down. She was watching us.
By then, I had two options. Maybe three. First, to shout at her to stop. Second, to run to her. And lastly, to just sit there and watch her walk away, her back to me and shoulders slumped, which was the one I had chosen to do. I don't have the guts to say I didn't mean it, 'cause that would be a very bad lie. I know in myself that I liked it, and I have no intention of making a fool out of me, as well as to fool around with her. That would be ridiculous.
So I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
I waited until she was just a tiny dot that would certainly vanish from sight. Or even for good, if that is how you want me call it. I sat there for hours, and went back to the classroom by the end of lunch. Chaotic as usual. Alexander looked up to me with sad, apologetic eyes. I regard him not. I looked around, and I know you people are expecting that she wouldn't be here, but she is. Idly sitting in her chair, that is. I took a few steps toward her, turned a little to the right and sat on my desk. Putting my bag on the end of my desk and have it leaning on the wall, I watched her as she slowly blinked, her arms crossed on the table, how only the tip of her shoes touched the floor. It was as if I was examining her closely, and even closer.
Her interest was now on the table, and slowly she lifted her right and traced circles on it. She was never like this. She was never this silent, never this idle, never this peaceful. And I knew, in myself, that I had caused this again.
"Hey." I whispered. I can't believe I've unconsciously mustered up enough courage to speak to her. Nevertheless, she slowly turned to me, emotionless, or just plain sad. I cannot determine what.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" She spoke up. I tried so hard not to falter in front of her.
"For everything I've done. I just don't want to be your problem anymore."
"If that is so," She said, her eyes boring down on me, fierce but silent, strong but gentle, "Then stop being my problem anymore." I held back the forming tears in my eyes. I know, but I can't. Those words had played in my head, but I cannot speak of it. I thought she was finished. So I was actually planning on going back to the garden, in spite of the danger I almost encountered. I stood, but I was stopped by her voice, so different from before, just like how my voice had spoken in desperation, desperation for love.
"Do not be my problem. Be my lover instead."
Author's Note:
Hey! It kinda took a long time. And my story- my goodness!- just took a really sharp turn now. I'm kinda hurrying on finishing it, so you'll have a new chapter to read, so I apologize for the idea of this chapter.
I had been sooo busy. Been making stupid projects. It's killing me! Anyway, I still hope you stick to the end. And I have news! I don't know if it's a good one or a bad one but here goes... *inhales*
I"LL BE MAKING A BUBBLINE STORY!
There. It's no big deal. xD
Mind guessing my age? I just want to know what you think of it.
I'll have the next chapter coming up!...next next month, maybe.
