I apologize for the slow update, I wish I could promise that they'll get faster, but I really can't. I'll do my best to update quicker, though.

TW: mention and act of suicide (not by Ethan though, don't worry)

Chapter 9) Disturbed

It took every single effort to not break down in tears when I saw the red blood dripping from my fingers, staining them. I rinsed it away and watched it swirl down the plug hole, but the sickly aftertaste of memories stayed with me. I closed my eyes and thought back in time.

START FLASHBACK

I stood on the top of the hospital, the cold air biting my flesh. I was joined by eighteen-year-old Nicole. She had tears streaming down her cheeks and was wearing a hospital gown. Her long, blonde hair flew out around her head, caught by the wind. Her green eyes shone with undiluted distress, her whole body trembling violently.

The girl had been suicidal for three years, and now, she was trying to end it all.

A large crowd had gathered underneath us, watching from the car park with anxiety painted on their faces. The last thing I wanted is for the girl to jump, leaving nightmares in the hearts of the watchers.

Although, I didn't want her to jump at all. I was desperate to keep her alive and well.

I edged closer to the distressed figure of the girl, my lips pursed to voice the words which she'd probably heard a million times before, but I was determined to make these ones count.

"Nicole? I'm here to help you, I promise." I called out carefully, making sure I didn't get too close. She took a step over to the edge, making my heart beat a little bit faster.

"No, you're not! Everyone says that, but they don't care, not really. Leave me alone and let me do this, please!" She cried, a fresh batch of tears staining her face.

Little by little, she got closer to the edge.

"Please, step away from the edge. We can talk about this?" I negotiated. I hated the way her face looked so distant as if she was zoned out. As if she was picturing her body as a mangled heap on the floor.

"Why?" She yelled brokenly.

"There's been too many deaths lately, I won't have you as just another name among many! Believe it or not, I really care. I want you to get down." I told her firmly. Her face twisted, as if she was considering it.

And then she just smiled. One, tiny, hopeless smile before it faded to grey. Her demons were displayed on her face.

"You can't help me. I'm sorry, Dr. Hardy." She swallowed. I saw her feet scuffle closer to the edge until she was nearly toppling over. I rushed over to catch her, but it was too late.

She flew backwards through the air, her hair flying gracefully and her eyes closing shut for the last time. A small gasp escaped my lips as I fell to my knees. Her body hit the ground, a puddle of blood surrounding her.

"NO!" I screamed, getting to my feet and running faster than ever before down the steps. The crowd which gathered broke apart when they saw me running, clearly noting that I was a doctor by my scrubs, and I could help.

But I couldn't.

It was a losing battle. I tried so hard but she was gone.

Her face was deathly white, her eyes rolled back and her blonde colored hair stained with red blood. Nicole was dead, and it was all my fault.

END FLASHBACK

I barely realized I was crying until I felt the hotness of tears rolling down my face. I still felt the guilt plagued inside of me. She was so young, it was a dismal thought that she was never going to wake up. I sighed deeply, applying more soap to my blood-stained hands. Still, it's just another day in Holby City ED. Although it often feels like you lose more than you gain.

In a horrible, awful, twisted way, I felt almost jealous. Her pain was over. Mine was still continuing. Stop it, Ethan, I thought, scratching down my arms deeply. I deserved the hurting sensation that flooded through my veins. It was the least I deserved.

I dried my hands roughly, wiping my eyes and chucking myself back onto the staff room sofa. That was when I noticed my scrub top. It had a large stain of more blood on it. I was beginning to feel sick. Charlie walked in nonchalantly.

"Evening," Charlie greeted. I offered him a small smile. He must have sensed something was up.

"What's wrong?" He asked gently. I couldn't meet his eyes.

"Suicidal patient. She died. She was only just a girl, really. Why does everyone die?" I sighed yet again. Charlie nodded, sitting beside me.

"Only the good die young," He said thoughtfully. I cast my mind back to Cal. Yeah, that's true. Although my big brother wasn't always good. I sniffed and stood up, giving Charlie a tiny but grateful smile which said so much, leaving the staff room.

I dodged the concerned glances of everyone in the hospital who had witnessed the whole incident earlier. I only kept a small smile on my face to content them all.

Connie was heading over to the reception desk, same as me, crossing her arms and glancing over us all. She hadn't seemed to notice my presence.

"We're in need of a doctor to head over to a block of flats. Multiple burns victims after a large fire." She stated as every hospital worker looked over. Lily looked like she was about to say something, but I quickly stepped in.

It was like deja vu. I wasn't going to let anyone else put themselves at risk, especially not Lily.

We hadn't been very close lately since Alicia had arrived, but I still had a deep sense of care for the young woman.

"I'll go," I offered. Several eyes plastered onto me. Connie looked quite alarmed.

"I hardly think that's appropriate," She cautioned gently. I just smiled nonchalantly.

"I'll be fine," I reassured.

Then I remembered.

"Relax, dork, I'll be fine!" Cal's last words to me.

"I mean, I'll be...okay," I switched quickly. She gave me a confused look, but it melted away.

"If you're very sure,"

"Completely."

"Go and get changed then, Iain's meeting you by the ambulance bay," I obeyed her command immediately, rushing off to get changed.

At least this way, if I got hurt, I'd get to be with my brother again.

It disturbed me how much I wouldn't mind if anything did happen.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I sat in the back of the ambulance, latching onto the handles as the vehicle tossed and bumped across the roads. I was doing my best to control my breathing as for whatever reason my throat had gone tight. I screwed my eyes closed.

"Stop it!" I hissed to myself angrily. I swallowed and leaned back onto the seat and waited in anticipation. The butterflies inside my stomach were no longer butterflies, but eagles storming around inside of me. Unexpectedly, the ambulance came to an abrupt stop.

"For goodness sake, Jez! This is the last time I let you drive!" Iain said bitterly, as Jez laughed.

"Sorry, I forgot that you were so old. I hope I haven't broken your hip, grandpa," Jez retorted, causing a small smile to spread across my face. We got out of the ambulance and the mood disappeared.

A large fire was outside of a block of flats, embers of orange fiery flames flying through the air. The ground was blackened, and the odd possession was burnt and disintegrated. I couldn't help but sidle up to Iain, who looked in a trance.

"Iain?" I asked quietly. Iain turned quickly.

"You sure you're up to this, kid?" Iain inquired. I gave him a knowing look.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," I commented. He gave me the same look, as we smiled despite everything. Jez rolled his eyes.

"Just kiss already!" The young paramedic exclaimed cheekily, grabbing his backpack and rushing off to the firefighters. I couldn't help but smile even though the butterlies in my stomach were fluttering faster than ever. Iain gave me a pat on the shoulder and took the lead. I followed behind and kept my eyes on the fire.

You never know when it's going to explode, after all.