First let me say thank you for all the lovely reviews I received on the last chapter. They were very much appreciated!
Secondly the wonderful (name deleted to protect the innocent ;) has nominated both me and Embry Call of the Wild for two Tomato Soup Awards, so if you guys wouldn't mind keeping the URL in your favorites until voting opens in September I would appreciate all the votes I can get!
The voting site URL is: thetomatosoupaward (dot) blogspot (dot) com
I'm in the running for the Suffering Succotash Award and the Starfruit Award so save the above mentioned website and vote vote vote!
Now that my shameless self-plugging is finished, let's commence with the story!
Chapter title taken from the song "Loneliness is Fine" by VAST from the EP "Bang Band Sixxx"
"Feels like emptiness but the emptiness is mine,
Feels like loneliness and loneliness is fine."
-VAST
I drove back to La Push in a daze. I couldn't believe that I had utterly and completely wrecked my relationship. Then again, maybe I could believe it and that was why I suddenly felt so numb. Jill had been right, she did deserve better than some bitter jerk who took out his problems on everyone else. I think she had given me the reality check that I needed to take control of my life again. Starting with apologizing to my mother. I drove to the house I had lived in nearly my whole life and parked my truck. I sat in the cab and stared at the small, whitewashed clapboard house. My mother's car wasn't in the driveway, so I knew she wasn't home. I climbed sluggishly out of the truck and made my way towards the front door.
It had been over a year since I had last set foot in my mother's house. Even though I knew the front door would be open, I found myself veering towards the side of the house and climbing through my bedroom window, just as I had done during the last couple of years that I lived here. My room was unchanged from the last time I saw it, the few posters I had on the walls still stuck up with push pins, my periodic table still affixed on the ceiling above where my bed had been so I could work on memorizing it before I went to sleep. The room had a stagnant feel to it, like it hadn't been aired out since I left. There was a stale smell permeating the room that stung my sensitive nose with an unpleasant tang, so I hiked up the other window as well to allow a breeze to move the musty air around.
I walked slowly out the door of my old room and down the small hallway towards the living room. That was unchanged as well, the small area a cheerful yellow that I had always liked. Now though, it just made me feel sad. I hadn't realized how much I missed this house until the moment I saw all the little things that my mother had done to make it a home. I sat on the loveseat, a gloomy look on my face, while I waited for my mother to return. My head was pounding which was irritating because, since I had begun phasing, I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten a single headache. Apparently my wolf side was pissed at me too.
When my mother finally walked in the door and saw me sitting on her loveseat she stopped short. She regarded me nonplused for a few moments but finally said, "You look upset."
I sighed. "Speaking of dour constitutions, you don't look so jovial yourself."
"Well after my only son said some extremely horrible things to me, I spent the rest of my day dealing with tourists. That doesn't exactly make me want to do the jig when I walk through the door."
"Mom, can I be candid with you? I have some stuff I need to say."
"All right." My mother shrugged her coat off and sat opposite me in her rocking chair. "What do you want to say?"
"First let me start by saying I'm sorry. What I said to you earlier was really inappropriate and juvenile, and you didn't deserve it."
"No, I didn't," my mother agreed.
"I know and I feel very badly about it."
My mother gave me a look. "Is that it?"
I shook my head. "No." I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees, my fingers laced together and stared at the worn braided rug under my feet. "How come you never told me Joshua Uley was my father?"
I heard my mother's sharp intake of breath. "Who told you that?" She whispered.
"No one told me, I figured it out by myself," I said. I looked up at her. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked again.
My mother's chin trembled as she spoke. "Because I didn't want you to get hurt," she said tearfully.
I jumped up and started pacing. After a moment I stopped in front of her and shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans. "I didn't need your protection, I needed honesty. I could have handled it if you would have told me the truth. I could have maybe even had a relationship with my brother."
"You do have a relationship with your brother. Emily has told me how close you and Sam are."
"It's not…it's not the same. There might have been some things I would have changed if I had known the truth. As it stands right now, Sam and I are nothing like brothers, not like we were before….not like we could have been."
My mother stood up and placed her hands on my arms. "Sam's mother wouldn't have allowed it, Embry. She knew Joshua was no good, but she wasn't about to let you remind her of that by allowing Sam to acknowledge you as his brother. I'm your mother I wanted to protect you from being hurt."
"So what, I should be all venerated at how noble you were, protecting my feelings like that? You should have told me," I rebuked.
"Embry, I was afraid if I told you, you'd…"
"I'd what?" I snapped.
My mother gave me a sorrow filled gaze. "Honey you might not want to hear this but you have this tendency to shut down. You get this look, this….emotionally dead look that is so scary-"
I pulled my hands from my pockets and threw them angrily in the air. "Why does everyone say that I'm cold? I'm not some emotionless robot! I don't just push a switch and turn on and off! I'm a person! A person who, believe it or not, does have feelings!"
"I'm not saying you don't have feelings Embry."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that you shove things so deep down inside of yourself that without realizing it you push people away. I didn't tell you Joshua was your father because I was afraid if I told you the truth I was going to lose you."
"Well, honestly, not telling me didn't work out much better," I muttered.
"I realize that." My mother sighed heavily and slumped back into her chair. "So this is what it's all been about? All these years? The lying, the sneaking out, the not talking? It was because you knew I had lied to you?"
I nodded slowly. "Yes."
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say to you other than that." My mother's voice was tinged with resignation as she spoke.
I dropped back onto the loveseat. "I'm sorry too. I know I handled things badly, I admit that. I was just so angry that you had been lying to me my whole life…I honestly didn't know what to do."
My mother crossed her legs and began to rock slowly in her chair. The old wood of the rockers creaked and groaned as she moved. "So what now?" She asked.
I shook my head. "I really don't know."
"Do you think we can fix this?"
I watched her rocking for a moment, the image of her in that chair flooding me with a wave of memories of her in that exact same spot, rocking in just the same way as I did homework, watched TV, read books on the old worn loveseat. My chest suddenly felt tight and I had to swallow hard around the lump in my throat. "I hope so," I said.
She nodded her head slowly and closed her eyes, still rocking. "I hope so too."
When I got home Seth and Quil still hadn't returned. Grateful for the quiet, I turned the stereo on and lay on the couch, preparing for a big time moping session. Though the talk with my mother had gotten some things off my chest, I was still stuck dealing with the realization that Jill and I were through. I was just getting into my brooding groove when Quil bounded through the front door, Seth on his heels.
"Uh oh," Quil said.
I craned my neck backwards and saw Quil standing in the doorway, his arm thrown protectively across Seth's chest.
"What's up?" Seth said, looking at Quil's arm blocking his way into the house.
"The last time I heard this song it was because Embry got a B on his report card. That was a dark day my friend…a dark day."
I groaned and gave Quil a look. "You'll have to excuse me if I'm just not in the mood to engage in any persiflage with you at the moment."
Quil dropped his arm and flopped into the recliner next to me. "I will excuse you, mainly because I don't know what persiflage means," he said. "So what's with the depression? When we left you seemed happy enough."
"Well, I've realized that I'm like a black hole. Everyone I know just sort of orbits independently in a great ellipsis around my black sucking depths in a celestial effort to get away from me. Yep, I'm basically a virulent pit of suck."
Quil gave me a puzzled look. "Huh?"
I sighed and threw my arm over my face as I spoke. "Jill dumped me, thus I am sulking."
"What? What happened?" Seth asked.
"Well, where do I begin?" I dropped my arm and sat up. "My mother showed up, I said something horrible to her, Jill called me on it, and I told her to shut the hell up. After that everything's sort of a blur."
"Oh…..well did you apologize?"
"Yeah I apologized, but it doesn't matter. Basically I suck and not surprisingly Jill doesn't want to see me anymore."
"That's unfortunate," Quil said.
I glanced over at him. "You think?" I snapped.
Quil held up his hands. "I'm sorry man, I mean….I don't know what to say. I know you liked her a lot and she seemed really nice." He bit his lip and after a moment said, "Want me to go talk to her for you? I bet I could get her to change her mind. I'm all kinds of convincing."
I couldn't help but give a small grin. "That's nice and all but I suspect that wouldn't do much to improve the situation. Besides the undoubtedly zany hijinks that would ensue from that conversation would probably do more harm than good. And at this point I don't think any soliloquies that Jill would hear on my behalf would be enough to change her mind."
"What'd she say exactly," Seth inquired. "To make you think that is was over for good?"
"She said that I needed to be on my own to work out all my air quote 'issues'. Oh and something about me being in darkness and you know needing to save myself."
Seth made a face. "Wow that's kind of harsh."
"It's not harsh if it's the truth," I said. "I clearly have stuff I need to deal with, and in case it wasn't painfully obvious to all, I tend to suck at dealing. Basically I'm 'The Little Engine That Could' of evasion."
"I don't believe that," Quil said. "You dealt with being a wolf, you dealt with finding out who your father was-"
"No I didn't deal with it, I just sort of ignored it. And my ignoring of the situation, like the way I handle everything else, blew up like the Hiroshima bomb all over my mother when she stopped by earlier. Unfortunately the radioactive after effects landed on Jill."
"So you don't think she'll take you back?" Seth asked.
"Highly doubtful."
"Well…..who needs her then? She seemed like a real S.U.B. and I for one am glad you're rid of her," Seth declared.
I gave a half-hearted laugh. "While I appreciate the sentiment buddy, I kind of doubt the veracity of that statement."
Seth shrugged. "Sorry man, I tried."
"I'm still stuck back on how you compared her to a sub sandwich," Quil said. "I don't get how that's an insult."
That made me actually laugh for real. "S.U.B. Quil. It stands for stuck up bitch, which of course we all know she wasn't. Seth was just trying to make me feel better."
Quil frowned. "Why do you always have to say stuff I don't get? I mean persiafluges and veracimmitty or whatever…..none of it computes, know what I'm saying?"
"I apologize profusely and I'll try to cease being such a grammar fascist, I promise," I said with a grin. "This is after all an egalitarian household, it's only apropos that everyone should be accommodated, even those who drive me crazy because they use dangling modifiers whenever they leave a note."
"You're right, you do suck," Quil snapped.
"I'm sorry, I'm just joking with you, Quil," I said.
"Yeah man, I can't understand anything Embry says either, so don't feel so bad," Seth added with a laugh.
"I'll forgive the fact that you're a jackass only because you just got dumped and I'm a nice guy," Quil said primly.
"Thanks buddy," I said. "Now, I appreciate you guys trying to cheer me up, but I'm not quite ready to be happy, so if you don't mind, I'd like to be left to my brooding."
"You going to be okay?" Seth asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know. I kind of need to take stock of everything and work on my problems. Well the inside problems because on the outside," I waved a hand at myself. "I mean, come on, it doesn't get much better than this."
Seth laughed. "Man, even when you get dumped, you still manage to be a smartass."
"Yes, sadly making derisive comments is one of my biggest personality foibles. No wonder Jill kicked me to the curb. I should probably work on that flaw."
"Know what you really need to work on?" Quil said. "Not vomiting out a dictionary every time you open your mouth."
"While at the moment I'm too depressed to construct an adequate verbal response to that, make sure to tune in later because I'm confident I'll be able to think of many comebacks, some of which will be extremely cutting."
Quil snorted. "Whatever word slut. I could care less about your cutting remarks."
I groaned. "It's 'I couldn't care less'-," I said, emphasizing the T in couldn't. "-not 'I could care less'. To say you could care less implies that while you don't care, there is still a whole other level of not caring you could get to."
"I thought you just said you weren't going to be a grammar fascist anymore?" Quil pouted.
"I was being satirical. You should know by now that I'm a total snob."
"I really hate you," Quil said.
"No you don't. You love me. I mean look at how hot I am. Just looking at this face should make you happy."
Quil nodded. "Yes, when I see you I am happy but when you open your mouth and you know….talk. Meh, not so much."
I laughed. "You're a really good friend, you know that? I don't know what I'd do without you."
"What about me?" Seth asked. "You can't live without me either, right?"
"Both of you. You guys are the best brothers anyone could ever ask for. That being said….."
"You want to mope," Seth said.
"Yes please."
"Okay we'll let you mope, but so help me Embry, if I have to listen to Tori Amos I'm going to be pissed," Quil said.
I made a cross over my heart. "No Tori, I promise."
These precious things let them bleed, let them wash away.
These precious things let them bleed, let them wash away.
These precious things let them bleed, let them wash away.
Do you guys need to get a room? Because I would really appreciate you taking your gayness elsewhere. I should have known the three of you living together would be a huge mistake.
I gave a low growl. Don't mock us. Tori Amos is timeless.
I totally agree Seth said.
See. I can't help it if you have deplorable taste in music Jake.
Jacob snorted. Yeah, okay. Well maybe you three could put your burgeoning singing careers on the backburner for now and concentrate on your jobs. Just a thought.
Don't blame me and Seth, it's Embry's fault. We've been subjected to his Soundtrack of Pain for almost three weeks now. The other day he played "Everybody Hurts" twenty three times in a row-
Congratulations Quil, I didn't know you could count that high I snarled.
Whatever dude I was talking to Jake. The only reason he stopped playing it was because Seth and I stole the CD when he went to the bathroom. He's driving us to the bughouse.
Quil, in your experience do good things ever come from hiding my CDs? No? I didn't think so I said.
Yeah, well you promised you weren't going to listen to Tori Amos and now I've got 'Precious Things' stuck in my head Quil snapped.
Guys can you please just pay attention? Jacob pleaded. Embry, I know you're still upset about Jill and the whole thing sucks, but could you just get through this patrol?
But Jake, I'm just hitting the apogee of my depression.
Yeah and I'm going to push you off the other side of that apogee Quil thought.
Quil you know what apogee means? Color me impressed, now if only NASA was hiring, you'd be a shoo in I said.
Seth howled with laughter. Dude, that was mean, and yet so so funny.
Who do I have to perform sexual favors for to get you guys to take this patrol seriously? Jacob thought.
Umm, eww I'm pretty sure you will have no takers on that offer, Jake.
Don't make me pull the Alpha card on you Jacob said, though his tone was one of amusement.
There's nothing going on Quil moaned. I could be hanging out with Claire right now.
We all have a job to do so let's do it and then you can be with Claire, and Embry can go be depressed, and Seth can go do… whatever it is that Seth does Jacob thought.
Quil huffed but I heard him pick up his pace a bit.
We were patrolling the woods that divided our land from the Cullen's. Other than the two vamps we had taken down a few months ago, activity here had been pretty quiet, but Jake had insisted we still do a twice weekly patrol of the area. After what had happened with the Italian vampires, he trusted no one around Renesmee. Jake, Quil, Seth, and I were on a large search parameter, Quil and I about a mile apart from each other on the west side, the same for Jake and Seth on the east.
I picked up my pace too, relishing the feel of the ground giving away beneath my powerful paws. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I really do love being a wolf.
I second that Quil thought.
Yeah well you better enjoy it while you can I told him. Someday soon you'll have to stop phasing and that will be that.
Why would I stop phasing Quil asked, genuine confusion in his thought.
Because of Claire, duh.
I heard Quil's footfalls falter for a moment. I never thought about that.
No kidding I said. I do hear and see pretty much everything you think about remember?
Quil fell silent.
Can you guys please concentrate Jacob begged. Otherwise we'll be out here forever.
I sighed loudly but tried to pay attention to my surroundings. Lately though I found my mind wandering more and more often while on patrol. Especially with trying to keep any and all thoughts about Jill out of my head. That was something that I definitely didn't want to think about so I had to occupy my mind with all sorts of other crap. This of course was not only irritating to me, but to my pack mates as well. In fact there are times when I get so lost in thought that when I snap out of it, I find myself having traveled miles without even realizing it.
Sort of like now. I tried to pay attention but almost immediately my mind was wandering again. I found myself naming every chemical compound that I knew by heart. I was just debating whether I wanted to group the compounds into Ionic and Molecular bonds or perhaps I was more in the mood to try to do some Stoichiometry problems – someday I will be able to do entire chemical equations perfectly in my head mark my words – when I realized I had no clue where I was. And that's the way it's been the last few weeks. I'll just be thinking away about something stupid and the next thing you know-
Embry pay attention! Jacob snapped.
I jerked out of my reverie and looked around to readjust my bearings.
Hey you guys hear that?
I slowed to a brisk trot and cocked my head to the side. I don't hear anything Quil. Which makes me wonder if the earplugs I wear at work are actually doing anything because I've had this ringing in my ears ever since Mike blasted the back of my head with his pneumatic wrench. That guy is such an ass. I should have-
Listen. LISTEN! Quil howled at me.
I strained my ears. He's right I do hear something. I lifted my snout and smelled the air. Smells human though. Probably deer hunters. Oh man that's a good movie. We should get that from Netflix. I haven't seen a good Vietnam War movie in ages. Plus you can't go wrong with De Niro. Well, unless you count 'Sleepers', which I don't. I mean the book was so much better than the movie. I hate it when-
My thought was interrupted by a loud bang that came from my right. I felt something punch me hard in the side. The impact was so intense it drove me down onto my knees. I tried to right myself but for some reason my body didn't want to cooperate. I felt another blow near my back end, and my hind legs, which had been scrambling desperately on the ground, fell out from under me. I heard a high pitched yelping in my head and tried to scream at it to shut up, that I couldn't concentrate, when I realized the yelping was coming from me.
EMBRY!
OH GOD EMBRY! IS HE OKAY?
I tried to think something coherent, but the only thing that I was able to produce was another desperate yelp.
"Jesus, John!"
In all my scrambling and crying I hadn't noticed the two hunters slowly making their way towards my prostrate body. I redoubled my efforts to get up and howled with frustration when I still wasn't able to move.
"You got it! Holy hell! Look at the size of that thing! Is it a bear you think?"
EMBRY!
I lay on the ground, my sides heaving, my tongue lolling out of my mouth. Foam was dripping off my muzzle and forming a bubbly pool on the ground in front of me. I could feel blood pumping out of what I now realized were two gunshot wounds. I barked another distressed cry and could taste blood mixing with the foam in my mouth. I rolled my eyes desperately around in my sockets, trying to see if the hunters were coming over to finish me off before I could get up.
"Christ….that's a wolf," I heard one of the hunters say, his voice awestruck.
The other hunter spoke again. "You better kill it before it gets up and tears us to shreds!"
I heard his rifle cock and closed my eyes. I wasn't sure if another bullet would finish me off unless maybe he shot me in the head or the heart, but I still wasn't feeling too lucky.
"JESUS!"
I heard growling and opened my eyes again. Quil flew into the clearing, skidding to a halt next to my shaking body. He bared his teeth and snarled at the hunters.
"SHOOT IT JOHN SHOOT IT!"
Quil, don't let them shoot you too. I was amazed, and also a bit relieved that I was able to form a lucid thought.
Quil snarled again. Don't worry about me. They'll both be pinned down on the ground before his finger pulls the trigger.
QUIL! EMBRY!
Jacob and Seth burst into the clearing, growling and snarling.
"Screw this!" One of the hunters shouted.
The pack took up a defensive stance around my helpless body.
"LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
I heard both men running as fast as they could, thrashing through the underbrush as they went.
Embry! Oh God, can you move? Jacob stared down at me, his eyes panicked.
I rolled an eye back to look at him. You're kidding me, right?
Oh God, okay. Okay, let me think. OH, okay I'm going to go get Carlisle. Seth, Quil, guard him with your lives. Keep pressure on his wounds until I get back.
Jacob took off in the direction of the Cullen's home.
I was still panting and the pain was getting worse. It was getting really hard to breathe and I could hear a whistling sound every time I inhaled.
I watched as Seth and Quil phased back to human form.
"Here use this," Quil ripped my sweatpants from where they were tied to my leg and pushed them into Seth's hands. Seth dropped to his knees next to me and pushed the sweatpants against the wound on my haunches. The sudden pressure caused a fresh flare up of pain, and without meaning to I snarled and snapped at his hands.
"I'm so sorry," Seth cried. "But I have to try and stop the bleeding!"
Quil grabbed his own pants off his leg and pressed them against the gunshot wound near my chest. I yelped loudly.
"Come on, come on, Jake," Quil chanted under his breath.
The pressure Quil was putting on my wound was very painful and I tried to heave myself into a sitting position to alleviate some of the discomfort. That's when I realized I couldn't really move my legs. This is disturbing I thought. I gave a panicked look at Quil who was closest to my line of vision. I can't move my legs!
Quil just looked at me, sorrow etched on his face. "I'm sorry man. I heard them. I didn't warn you in time. I'm so sorry."
Screw that dude. I CAN'T MOVE MY LEGS! I MIGHT BE PARALYZED! I stared at Quil desperately, willing him to hear my thoughts. The one time I actually needed someone to be in my head and no one was there.
I heard crashing coming closer to us and smelled the bloodsucker before I saw him. Jacob burst into the clearing followed closely by Dr. Cullen.
"Can he phase?" Dr. Cullen asked, looking at Jacob.
I can't even think straight! I shouted at no one. I stared up at the vampire, my eyes wide.
"I don't think so," Jacob replied.
"Okay, let's get him back into the house. Can you three manage to carry him?"
"Of course," Jacob answered. "Quil, Seth, you get his front end. I'll manage the back."
"Carefully boys," Dr. Cullen warned. "I don't know how much damage there is yet and I need you to keep him as still as possible."
My pack brothers heaved me into their arms, and we began the trek back to the Cullen's home. The pain became so intense at one point that I blacked out. When I came to I was being carried through the front door of the house and up a flight of stairs. I was laid on a table in what I guessed was Dr. Cullen's office of sorts. My body was too big and my limbs hung at awkward angles off the ends of the table. Overall it was not the most comfortable I've ever been.
I lay, panting and helpless on the table as Dr. Cullen, who had called for Esme to help him, moved lightning quick around me, giving orders and grabbing equipment.
"Embry, can you try phasing?" Dr. Cullen leaned close to my ear and I instinctively whined when I smelled his cool breath on my face.
I tried to concentrate on returning to human form, but I was having such a hard time breathing, I couldn't do much more than give a slight tremble, before I finally shook my head no, my sides heaving from the effort.
Dr. Cullen grimaced, but nodded. "I'm going to do my best for you, okay? Right now I'm going to give you something for the pain."
He had Esme shave a patch of hair off my right front leg and as she did, he began to prep an IV.
I rolled my eyes around amid the chaos, searching for a member of my pack to look at. I was getting very disconcerted with the leeches hanging all over me. As if he could finally read my mind, Quil came into my view and placed a soothing hand on my head. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the heat in his palm, trying to ignore the cold, stone like hands of the Cullen's as they worked on me.
Esme finished shaving my leg and stepped aside. I felt a needle prick and suddenly felt a cool rush in my veins and then I was in oblivion.
