sorry for how long this took! ;D thanks for your review! they mean a lot to me!
Chapter IX: We Were Meant to Fall Apart.
'What do you want to do when you leave, Hogwarts, Cas?' Dean enquires, raising the bottle to his lips once again. His green eyes are cast upwards towards the midnight sky, and he lowers the bottle of beer once more, placing it in between his thighs to stop it rolling away from him.
He had no idea what made him come up here, and drag Cas with him as well… well, he knows why he dragged Cas with him; Cas his best friend, who he's finally talking to again; Cas his best friend, who told him about his life and Dean in turn told Cas about his. That's why he dragged Cas up to the roof with him, because the very idea of being apart from him made him feel like a cloud of anxiousness was hanging over him. After being without him for weeks, he didn't want him to be gone for that long of a period again.
He knows that it's been months since that, thoughit doesn't stop him from worrying. He's been Cas' friend for longer than he wasn't, but Dean's brain can't seem to comprehend that. He's still worried Cas is just going to vanish into thin air again; tell Dean that he doesn't care about him anymore; leave again. He's just scared. Pfft, if only his dad could see him now.
And he doesn't know how he's going to deal with tomorrow; saying goodbye to Cas and not knowing when he's going to see him again. They haven't talked about it, Dean's put it off, thinks he'll burst into tears if he has to start talking about it, and he's already cried in front of Cas once, when they were talking about his mother, he definitely doesn't need to do it again.
But he knows that he isn't going to like tomorrow one bit, and seriously wishes it didn't have to come.
'It'll depend on my NEWT results, of course, and what's happening with the Death Eaters. I do not know if they'll let me have a job at all; being a Muggle-born.' Cas replies as he too raises his bottle of beer - that he helped Dean smuggle from the kitchens, after convincing the elves to get them some - and takes a gulp.
He had protested to it at first, but then Dean pulled that stupid puppy dog look with those stupid green eyes and he was lost. Not to mention, it was his last day at Hogwarts now, he technically wasn't a Prefect anymore. He could do whatever the hell he wanted now that he didn't need to set an example for the younger years, and this is what he wanted to do. He wanted to climb onto the roof with his best friend, have a couple of drinks, and wish tomorrow didn't have to come.
'God, NEWTs, I have managed to forget about those, Cas!' Dean whines, holding his beer mere centimetres from his lips as he no longer wants to take a drink at the mention of those damn exams.
NEWTs. He had finally sat them all; Defence Against the Dark Arts was a dawdle, even with Snape as his teacher this year - nothing was going to shake his passion and love for it - so he can say with strong confidence that he's passed that; maybe even with flying colours and an Outstanding.
The others are iffy, though. Herbology and Muggle Studies he can see himself passing quite easily as well. Maybe even Charms. Truthfully, the only ones he's panicking about now is Transfiguration and Potions. It's not that he's struggling with them, but he needs at least an "Exceeds Expectations" on his exams, but much more preferably an "Outstanding" on all of them if he wants to make it as an Auror.
Cas says nothing in reply, just gives a small chuckle and maybe the beer is loosening him up, because it's a low rumbling laugh that Dean very rarely hears from him. He doesn't ask what Dean wants to do when he leaves Hogwarts in return, either, but only because he knows.
He knows that Dean wants to make it as an Auror; even knows why. He felt like telling Dean that he shouldn't be basing his future off his mother; that he should make decisions based on who he wants to be, and that his mother would be proud of him regardless. But he can also understand his desire to make it as an Auror, his mother did it and he wants to feel close to her; wants to be as good as her and wants to show his father that he can be good, but Cas also wants Dean to understand that his father should love him, no matter what he decides to do as a career. That he shouldn't be trying to please the man that didn't stick around in the first place.
Cas of all people knows how much it can ruin you, trying to please a distant father. It ruins your life; moulds you into something you aren't, and makes it near enough impossible to break free from that mould.
Cas also nearly told Dean that his mother would be proud of him, no matter what. Sure, Dean never used the words "to make my mum proud" exactly, but the implication was as loud as a roar. He was more determined to make his mother proud than his father; that much was definitely clear.
They fall silent, Cas' head turned up to the sky as well, mimicking Dean as they both create patterns in the stars. Unsure of how much time passes, but they decide it can't be that long, seeing as the sky is still pitch black and no red or orange has started to taint the sky as the sun rises.
'Do you think we should've went to Dumbledore's funeral?' Cas questions after a moment. He knows what stars really are; big balls of gas up in space, but the thought occurred to him when he thought of his sister, Anna, turning to him when she was only ten-years-old and wondered if the stars were the souls of the people no longer with them.
She looked so proud of herself for having figured it out that he didn't have the heart to tell her the truth. He wonders if she still believes that, being four years older now; he hopes she does. The world needs kind hearted, creative and loving people like her. Especially with dicks like Death Eaters running about spreading hatred and prejudice.
'No.' Dean replies. 'He was an awesome wizard, but we didn't know him. Funerals are… there's some about that final farewell that's special. If random people that didn't really know him wanted to say goodbye, they can visit his grave. The funeral should be reserved for family and exceptionally close friends, not just random students at Hogwarts that admired him.'
He had thought about going, though, just to say goodbye to a great and brilliant wizard and headmaster, but he knew it wouldn't be right. He's never even talked to the Headmaster, well, there was once when he got into serious trouble for sending a Slytherin Seventh Year dickbag called Alastair to the Hospital Wing. Dean was in Fifth Year at the time and Sam had just came up for his first year and the fucker thought it would be fun to pull a prank on Sam, one that led to Sam breaking his arm. Needless to say, Dean saw red and even though it got him two months detention, he never said sorry for it; never took it back.
But Dean didn't think that one little conversation was enough to warrant him an invite to his funeral.
'Do we even know how they got in? Has anyone figured that out, yet?' Cas asks as he balances his now empty bottle on the edge of the roof to get it out of his way and stop it being a bother.
'Don't think so. Death Eaters in Hogwarts, I still can't get over it.' Dean mumbles as he sits his bottle beside Cas', resisting the temptation to tip them both over and send them crashing to the ground.
He and Cas were locked in the Room of Requirements - their favourite place to be, apparently, seeing as no-one else could find them and they enjoyed spending the majority of their time together, without anyone else interrupting them from their conversations - when the fighting broke out. Though, apparently, the only one to fight was Harry, which didn't surprise them.
Dean's was annoyed that he missed it; that he couldn't help but after Cas declared that there was nothing to help with, he started to forget about it. Any guilt or irritation that he had started to ebb with Cas' words, but that's just the way Cas was. He knew exactly what to say to calm Dean down, and it worked both ways. Not to mention, he knew exactly what to say to wind Dean up, as well.
'Are you scared, about what's going to happen with Voldemort and his followers?' Cas ventures after a few more minutes of silence and his voice wavers over his name, but he still says it. He used to call him "You-Know-Who" but then he joined Dumbledore's Army and listened to Harry say it so much that he realised there was nothing wrong with the name.
Fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself, Harry had said, and apparently Dumbledore had said that to him and after that, Cas started using his name. He wasn't going to be scared of him. Not anymore.
Dean doesn't really know how to answer that at first, because he's not exactly scared. Well, he is, but in ways different to what Cas is meaning. He's not afraid of Voldemort attacking him; he's afraid of Voldemort or his followers attacking and hurting Sam, or Cas, or even Jo and Charlie and Ash. He can't stand the fact of them getting to his family. But he's not scared for his own safety.
'Not in the way you think.' Dean answers, hoping that Cas understands his words and doesn't have to actually say them. He knows how pissed off Cas gets when he says that Sam or Cas himself are more important than Dean. He's actually shoved Dean up against the wall and threatened to beat the living shit out of Dean if he said something as stupid again; that was when Dean was saying he'd give his own life to save Sam's or Cas'.
That's how the whole "don't piss off the nerdy Hufflepuff" started. Any time someone teases Cas about something, whether it's just friendly joshing between Dean's friend and Cas, or whether it's actual animosity from Slytherins, it's the first words from Dean's mouth now.
He doesn't admit it, often objects to and genuinely looks offended at the very idea, but the look in Cas' eyes that time scared him. Made him quiver and flinch when he readjusted his hold on Dean's collar as if he was freeing his hand so he could punch Dean in the face like he said he would.
He turns to see Cas raise an eyebrow at him in question, and he sighs because Cas is going to be the awkward and annoying bastard that he is and make Dean explain this.
'I worry about Sammy or you, or any of my friends getting hurt or killed. That's what I'm afraid of, Cas.'
Cas says nothing for a moment, studies him with those bright blue eyes of his for a minute or two and Dean wants to squirm, wants to move away from his gaze because this is never fun; being studied by those azure eyes that Dean thinks can see into his actual soul.
'You said "Sammy and you" but then other friends.' Cas murmurs softly, tearing his gaze away from Dean's face to look back up to the sky once again.
He still stands by his decision that the stars and their constellations are just like the freckles drawn upon Dean's face. They're both distracting, beautiful, worthy of art and scarce to be counted, and Cas has definitely tried to do the latter, both with the stars and the freckles scattered across Dean's cheeks and nose and even on his forehead.
''Course I did, Cas, you're my family.' Dean declares, tearing his eyes away from the stars that he was looking at as well, before turning his gaze onto Cas. There's extra fondness in his eyes, probably more than there should be when he's looking at his best friend, but he can't help it. There's so much he needs to thank Cas for; dulling the the voice in his head that says he's not good enough, making him feel good and worthy and he always looks at him like he's the greatest and most purest thing he's ever seen.
The stare is always intense; he's always blunt and brutally - beautifully - honest.
But there's no denying that Cas is his family; Cas is special, and Cas is getting closer and closer to Dean…
Dean doesn't move as Cas leans in closer to him, not because he's frozen by fear or worry, but mainly because he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know exactly what Cas is going to do - after all, this could go two ways - so he decides to stay perfectly still.
That is, until he realises, that he's leaning in towards Cas as well. It's just a slow inclination, drawn towards him almost like a moth to a flame. His eyes flicker briefly down to Cas' plump lips, and it definitely wouldn't be the first time he's done that. It's embarrassing to admit that, but every single time that Cas talks Dean gets distracted by his lips; it's just a fact.
Cas' lips briefly press against Dean's, there's hardly any pressure, those plump lips just softly brush over Dean's before they pull back ever-so-slightly. It's almost as if he's testing Dean, waiting to see if he'll get up and run away, tell Cas that he hates him now and that he doesn't want to talk to him ever again.
But Dean doesn't do that. Cas' breath is fanning over his lipsthat are dry all of a sudden, and his first reaction is to swipe over them with his tongue, wetting them. There's two things that come from that, his tongue lightly grazes Cas' lips and it draws Cas' attention to Dean's lips once more.
Instinct seems to kick in for both of them, and they're unsure of who leans forward first, whether Cas leans into Dean more or if Dean leans into Cas, but before they know it, their lips are meeting once more. Hesitant and gentle at first, simply resting against the other's lips for the briefest of moments, before they start to move.
They pull back to get into a better position, lips insistently pressing against each other and Cas' hand comes up and wraps around Dean's neck, a gentle pressure on the back of his neck that seems to jolt something in Dean. Cas' fingernails brush through the fine hairs at the base of Dean's neck, and they scratch the skin in a comforting way that draws an embarrassingly desperate moan from Dean's mouth.
But Cas just smiles against Dean's lips, pulling back from him to do it and watch how Dean's mouth parts as he hums at the feeling.
Cas' lips are against Dean's once more. The hesitance they had before is all but gone, Dean's hand comes up to cup Cas' cheek, his thumb brushing over Cas' cheekbone like he did the very first day this year.
He's unsure if Cas flicks his tongue over Dean's bottom lip first, or if he did it because Dean's already done it to him; showed him that it's okay. But a thrill shoots through Dean's body at the feeling nonetheless and sighs when Cas does it again.
That's when he parts his mouth, letting Cas' tongue sweep into his mouth, and the hand on the back of his neck curls into his hair almost painfully, but Dean finds he doesn't care. There's a shiver running through his whole body, right down to his toes and his fingertips, but it mostly settles in his chest, his core. It's a nice, warm thrumming feeling that sets him on fire.
There's tongue and sometimes teeth, but there's still just a tiny hint of hesitance in the back of both of them, because it's something so new and fragile for both of them.
Their noses bump together as Cas pushes himself closer to Dean and there's a moan that breaks free from someone's lips.
But the wake up call; the harsh thrust back into reality is when Cas' free hand reaches for his tie, whether to pull Dean closer or to loosen it entirely, Dean will never find out as he jolts back from him. His lips wrench away from Cas', a soft gasp breaking free from his lips as they separate from Cas' with a soft pop.
Cas opens his eyes, even though he's not entirely sure when he closed them, and he studies Dean, and when he notices the panic in his best friends eyes, his heart drop. His hand drops from his tie but the one on the back of his neck stays.
It was once a comforting, almost pleasurable feeling, but now it just feels like a deadweight, grounding him and making it almost impossible for him to pull away without pushing Cas away.
'Dean?' Cas whispers, his fingers combing through the fine hair at the base of Dean's neck once again, but instead of making him sigh, making him relax, making him purr, he stiffens. His words break Dean out of whatever thoughts he was having and he reaches up to take Cas' hand from the back of his neck.
He thinks about entwining his fingers with Cas', staying with him and telling him why he stopped, but instead he doesn't. He can't. Not yet; not now.
Cas almost sighs in relief with the act, but then Dean drops his hand into his lap and his eyes shoot up to look in Dean's eyes.
'Dean?' He tries again and his breath creates a cloud of mist and when did it get so cold? However, that's the least of his concerns, even as he tugs his jacket closer around his body. Of course he had no idea it was this cold; Dean was just so warm beneath his fingertips.
Dean shakes his head just once before he stands and Cas thinks about scrambling up as well, but decides against it, finds he can't find the strength to stand up and confront Dean. He's done that enough, fought hard enough to stay in people's lives and they always give up on him eventually. He's never strong enough or powerful enough or useful enough to warren friendship.
'I gotta go, Cas.' Dean whispers and if Cas was waiting for it, for the excuse, he wouldn't have heard him.
Cas swallows hard and tries to catch Dean's hand, managing to entwine his fingers through Dean's for a brief moment and Dean freezes, because the warmth is enough to make him want to stay; want to explain everything - why he needs to leave right now, otherwise he'll do something stupid.
'Dean, wait. Please?' Cas pleads and he feels relief when Dean's fingers squeeze around Cas', holding on so tight that his fingers start to hurt, but then the feeling is away and Dean's tugging his hand from Cas', which falls limply into his lap, the thud hurting Cas' thigh but he doesn't care.
'I'm sorry, Cas.' Dean whispers once more before he starts walking and doesn't stop; doesn't look back.
'Dean!' Cas shouts but even that doesn't stop Dean from walking away from him.
His body disappears from the roof completely as he goes back into the castle, leaving Cas on the roof, by himself, with two empty bottles of beer standing side by side.
~oOoOoOoOoOo~
Dean doesn't get to sleep that night, his mind replaying the kiss over and over again, and on several occasions, he finds his fingertips tracing his lips and he pulls his hand away sharply, only to find them pressing against his lips once again.
So, when he's making his way down to the boats for his last journey back over the lake, to get the Hogwarts Express, he feels like going to Cas and apologising to him.
When he gets to the boats, he finds Ash, Jo and Charlie standing waiting for him, but there's no sign of Cas, and he can't help the frown that pulls at his face.
He doesn't ask the others where he is, because he sees him the second he stops in front of them. He's already in a boat. On the lake. Making his way to the train station in Hogsmeade. He's in a boat with Balthazar and one or two other Hufflepuffs, and a second later, Dean also realises the other is Lisa, his ex-girlfriend.
He doesn't seem to care about the last fact; more concerned about the fact that Cas has just left him. He was so worried about saying goodbye to his friend, worrying that he'd give Cas a hug and never let go, too afraid to do so. He was so worried about crying in front of Cas once again, because he'd have to say that horrible word of "goodbye" to him and he wouldn't have a clue when he was going to see him again.
He was so worried about saying goodbye to Cas and now he isn't even getting a goodbye at all.
'Oh.' He mutters, not giving a fuck about Jo and Ash and Charlie's gazes; those pitying, confused gazes that his friends wear, before he shoves his hands into his pockets and boards the first empty boat that he sees.
After that, he doesn't remember the others boarding; doesn't remember getting off the boat and into the train.
But he does remember the fact that Cas has left him without a goodbye.
~oOoOoOoOoOo~
The train stops and Dean takes a deep breath as he stands from his seat and makes his way off after a brief goodbye to Jo and Ash because he stays with them now, and a long hug with Charlie, but even that isn't as long as he thought it would be, because he's already agreed to go out with Charlie and be her "handmaiden" once more. So, he knows he'll see her again sometime soon.
He leaves the train and scans the room for Sammy, but he can't see him anywhere, and once again, he doesn't seem to care because he lives with Sammy, and he's not exactly going to miss him for any period of time. He'll have the entire car ride home, as well as the night and the next night and he's going to be with Sam and Jo and Ash and probably even Charlie for the majority of the Summer Holidays.
But Cas… Cas is gone and he didn't even get to say goodbye to him, and he wants to see Cas again and now he's not even going to get that.
He starts scanning the room once again, but this time, instead of looking for Sam, he looks for the head of dark, messy hair. But he can't see it; can't find him.
He's gone.
Dean pulls his bag further up his shoulder before he picks up his trunk and decides to wait on his brother in the other train station, the Muggle one, with Bobby and Ellen and the others who won't ask him questions about Cas and will stop him from being disappointed, and silence the hurt and pain until he gets home and to his own room. Where he will either smash things or cry into his pillows; probably both.
He waits until he can run through the wall and then as soon as he spots Bobby and Ellen, he walks over to them, noting that Sam and the others are already through, and did he seriously take that long looking for Castiel?
He shakes his head and plasters a fake smile onto his lips as he makes his way over to his broken family.
'Finally! What were you doing, boy?' Bobby questions, but Dean doesn't answer and Bobby says nothing in reply, almost as if he wasn't expecting an answer. 'Right, c'mon everyone!'
And Dean's about to say "okay" and head out to the car to drive back to Bobby's; drive back to his home. But that's when he sees him.
The head of black, messy hair that he spent longer than he thought looking for.
'Uh, hang on a minute, guys,' Dean mutters as he slides the bag off his shoulder and sets it to the floor. 'I'll be back in a minute.'
He doesn't wait for their reply and starts to make his way over to Cas, because okay, the kiss freaked him out and it's going to continue to freak him out, but he needs to say goodbye to his friend; a real goodbye, something worthy of what their friendship is… was… whatever.
'Hey, Cas.' He calls the second he is close enough to do so, and he doesn't miss the way his friend freezes before he turns to face Dean, and there are tears in eyes.
God, he's definitely going to cry. Both of them are. They haven't even started yet and this is where they are already.
'Leaving me alone on the roof in the cold wasn't enough?' Cas enquires, but even though his words are harsh, his tone is empty; broken. 'Need to come back for another round?'
His eyes aren't on Dean's face when he talks, and it isn't until he's finished that he raises his head from the ground and finds Dean's green eyes.
'I came to say I'm sorry, Cas.' Dean replies instantly, his hand finding its way onto Cas' shoulder and he's tempted to move his hand to the back of his neck, brush his fingers through the fine hair at the bottom of his neck, like Cas did to him last night, but he remembers that everyone is probably watching him right now, so he fights back the urge. That would probably be too hard to explain. Or deal with. 'And goodbye.'
He takes a deep breath, his other hand coming up of its own accord to cup Cas' cheek, his thumb running across his cheekbone and he doesn't care that his family is probably looking at him in shock as he continues, 'You were just going to walk away without saying goodbye to me?'
'You did it to me last night; I though that's what you wanted.' Cas whispers in return, trying his hardest not to lean into Dean's touch, because he knows it's just brief; knows this isn't going to last forever.
Dean bites his lips briefly and shakes his head, before he lets his hand cupping Cas' cheek drop back to his side.
'I am sorry, Cas.' Dean declares, his hand still on Cas' shoulder digging in almost painfully, but Cas doesn't say anything; doesn't tell him to loosen his grip because he'd take the pain any day; it's still Dean's touch after all. 'And I'll see you around.'
He finally tears his hand away from Cas' shoulder and lets it drop to his side once more like a deadweight, his palms and fingertips still burning; itching with the urge to touch Cas again.
'Yeah.' Cas mutters softly. 'I'll see you around.'
Dean gives Cas a smile before he turns on his heel, shoving his hands into his pockets as he heads back over to his family, not looking back to the boy with tears in his bright blue eyes; not looking back at Cas because he's got tears in his eyes too.
Not looking back because he knows his words are nothing but lies.
And he takes solace in the knowledge that Cas knows it is a lie too.
Yeah. He knew he wasn't going to like today, and he seriously wished it didn't come, because now he's lost Cas, something he feared the second he got Cas back in his life again.
'What's wrong?' Sam questions as they fall into step next to each other, a little bit away from the others, almost as if they knew they were going to have this conversation.
Dean sighs, shakes his head as he turns to look over his shoulder at the spot where Cas had once stood. He turns back to the front again, turning to shake his head at Sammy again.
'I should've stayed on the roof.'
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~Charlotte.x
