The Healing Heart - 9

Sookie arrived home from work on Saturday around six. She was so exhausted, she stumbled into her bedroom and fell across the bed fully dressed. The day had been brutal at work, and she had been so tired from lack of sleep she was sure that the only thing that kept her going was the caffeine from the coffee which she drank steadily throughout the day. She liked coffee, but today she must have drank at least ten cups. She had spent more time in the bathroom than actually serving customers.

Appius invaded her mind again last night and the experience was the worst ever. She felt as if she were being mentally raped, over and over. Her brain felt like it was on fire; the pain was so bad she wanted to scream, but she had difficulty even making a sound. The pressure of Appius' evil mind threatened to crush her brain. The after effects were so much worse too. She was exhausted from lack of sleep. She was nauseous and had a pounding headache all day long. She ate painkillers like candy, but the headache continued.

During last night's episode, she had the feeling that Appius knew full well that he had managed to sever her blood bond with Eric. His delight and triumph over that fact resonated loudly in her mind. She wondered why he still felt the need to torment her so. When she walked into the busy barroom, she soon found out. The hatred and loathing between her and Appius had become very, very personal. He was trying to destroy her gift. He was trying to destroy her usefulness to Eric or any other vampire.

She had her mental shields up as she walked into the big room. She expected to hear the same residual static-like white noise she always heard. She heard nothing. She lowered her shields and she still heard nothing. She couldn't hear anyone's thoughts. She focused in on a few particular individuals; still she heard thing.

Sookie felt panicky; the gift that she had thought of as a curse and wished away so many times before was gone. She was devastated. She felt as disabled as a person who had suddenly become blind, deaf or mute. She didn't know how long the loss of her telepathic abilities would be, or if it would ever return. The thought that she may have lost her gift forever truly shook her; it terrified her.

Before Bill, Sookie had little control over her telepathic abilities. She could not keep out the jumble of noise in her head. She thought her talent was a curse, but she didn't realize how much she relied on it to get through the day. Bill told her she had a wonderful gift, but she was doubtful. With patience and effort, Bill taught her to control her ability, not because he wanted to exploit it for his own purposes, but he wanted her to contol her talent, and because she hated it and thought it made her a freak. Bill worked with her for months. Through his careful tutelage, she began to realize that her telepathy was not a curse, it was indeed a treasured gift. He helped her understand that her telepathy was part of who she was. It was as much a part of her as her blue eyes; it made her special and unique. She was afraid, and she wanted her gift back.

She wondered if Eric knew what his maker was doing, and could he stop it if he knew. Pure loathing and hatred For Appius so deep it burned with a life of its own made Sookie feel as if she were on fire. It filled every cell of her body and mind. She never hated anyone so much in her life. She wanted him to die in the worst way. she wanted to kill him with her own hand, if possible. She needed to talk to Eric about this, but she didn't know if she would ever have that chance; Appius was not about to let her.

Sookie slept until midnight. When she awoke, she realized the pressure, the headache and nausea had been replaced by hunger. She hadn't been able to keep a thing in her stomach all day. She went into the kitchen and fixed herself a sandwich. Her clothes were wrinkled from sleeping in them, and the face reflected in the shiny chrome of the toaster, didn't even look like her own. Her eyes were bloodshot; her cheeks were pale and her hair was dirty and stringy. She took a whiff of her armpit. Whew! I need a shower bad. She thought.

As she sat and ate, Sookie began to probe her own mind. Right now, her mind was clear. In fact, since Appius had broken her bond with Eric, she actually felt as if her mind had been released from a prison. It was as if she had been living under a dark murky cloud for so long that her brain had become muddled and confused. Suddenly the cloud was gone. She could now think clearly now. She saw a different perspective of herself and her life. She felt free.

As if a dam broke, memories of Bill that she had forgotten, or simply buried so deeply that she couldn't find them, began pouring out of her subconscious. Big ones, small ones, tender and joyful ones, exquisitely erotic ones and the ones that still hurt. She felt both the joy and pain of those memories, but joy won out. Somehow the pain didn't hurt as much as before; somehow the pain didn't seem so important now.

She began to see Bill as she had seen him when they were together. She saw herself as never before, and she didn't like what she saw. She had had never been understanding of Bill. She had never let him really explain his actions; she was too proud and angry for that. Even if she eventually decided not to forgive him, she should have heard him out. Bill had deserved at least that much. Alternatively, she had known from the beginning that Eric was manipulating her, but she turned a blind eye to that. She had let him get away with things that made her feel ashamed now. Things would have worried her grandmother and made her deeply ashamed of her granddaughter, too.

Memories of Eric poured out too, and she began to examine them in a detached, clinical way. She began to see him in a brand new light too; one she definitely did not like. She remembered all the stunts he had pulled; all the tricks, lies, half truths and the manipulation. She was overwhelmed by the sense of anger, shame and embarrassment that swamped her. She was angry with Eric, but mostly she was angry with herself for being so stupid. She realized she not only let it happen, she had made it all so easy for the blonde viking vampire. She felt disgust for herself.

She had known for certain that Bill loved her, and still did. She had known for certain that she loved him once. When they were together, they shared a deep emotional connection. Although she had never formed a blood bond with Bill, at least not one as deep as the one she had formed with Eric, when she was with Bill, she always had a deep feeling of belonging. It was a feeling of rightness, a feeling of belonging with, not belonging to. She never had that feeling with Eric, no matter how much she wanted it. How could she have forgotten or overlooked that?

Her relationship with Eric had always been beset with doubts and confusion about how she felt for him. She never really trusted her feelings about him. She didn't know if her feelings were real or the result of his blood even before the blood bond was completely formed. Not all that long ago, sshe told herself that she loved Eric and finally told him that too. That was after she told Bill she loved Eric. but did she really? Sitting here tonight, she wondered if she ever truly loved him. She had feelings for him, sure, but was it love or the blood bond?

After she had been tortured, Eric seemed so caring and genuinely concerned. He seemed to have changed; he wasn't the arrogant pr*** he usually was, at least not most of the time. He told her he loved her and even shared more about his human life and vampire politics with her than he had ever done before. He invited her to his home; that was a real honor according to Eric. Even if she did not believe his excuse for not being there when she she needed him, was she trying to convince herself that she love him because he said he loved her? If the blood bond didn't exist would she have loved him? Would she have had so much doubt and confusion for so long if she truly loved him?

She known for certain that she was number one in Bill's life, she never doubted it until he left to go to Lorena. She knew for certain that Bill would risk certain death to save her; he had done so even after she was with Eric. She knew that she would never be number one with Eric; he would always put himself and his responsibilities first. He had done so time and time again. Bill spent a lot of time with her; Eric left her alone much of the time, except for a couple of months after they got together in in late January and after her torture.

Eric would take a bullet for her, and had twice, but he had done so knowing with certainty that he would survive; bullets won't kill a vampire, not even silver bullets. Both times, he tried to trick her into sucking the bullet out of him. The first time it worked, the second time it didn't. Still he managed to get his blood into so many times that she felt an overwhelming sexual attraction to him. In Rhodes, when he convinced her to take his blood instead of Andre's, he finally managed to complete the blood bond with her. She didn't see him for months after that. Andre was dead now; if she had taken his blood, she would not have a blood bond.

Bill had taught her how to control her gift. He wanted her to treasure her ability, not hate it. He and he never once tried to use it for his own benefit. Eric had thought her telepathic gift it was a valuable asset. He wanted to control her gift; he wanted to harness it for his own use. He had forced her to use her telepathy many times regardless of how much danger there was; she had come close to dying a few times because of that.

Bill didn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do; what happened in the trunk of the car after his rescue didn't count as far as she was concerned. Bill wasn't even a sentient being when that happened. He didn't manipulate or trick her into a relationship or into a blood bond. Eric did, in fact, her whole relationship with Eric had been based on lies and tricks and manipulation from the beginning. What was worse, she let him get away with it. She wondered what her grandmother would think about that if she was still alive.

She had been afraid of Eric and intensely disliked him in the beginning; She asked him several times to leave her and Bill alone, but after the first taste of his blood, she began to have sex dreams of him. She knew he was using her gift. She knew that he was tricking and manipulating her, but her natural instincts to protect herself and be wary of him seem to shut down with each additional intake of his blood. That had been a big mistake on her part, but she only blamed herself for that now.

She had known early on that he was deliberately trying to interfere with her and Bill. Eric had wanted her from the night he first met her. He was intrigued with her because he couldn't glamour her, and he couldn't figure out why. She made the mistake of letting him know she was a telepath. After he tasted her blood for the first time after the maenad attack, and after she had kissed him once, he soon became obsessed with having her. He became determined to break her and Bill up, no matter what he had to do short of killing Bill. To that end, he was determined to get his blood into her anyway he could, and like a fool, she willingly complied.

After her torture, when Bill was so sick with silver poisoning, Eric refused to give any of his blood to Bill, even though his powerful blood could have helped him. Back in Bon Temps, Eric had sent a very young vamp to feed Bill; her blood was absolutely useless. She had asked Eric to take her to Bill that night in Amy Ludwig's hospital. Could Eric have been so jealous of Bill that he would have preferred to let him die, rather than give him his blood. finally, she had taken matters into her own hands and located Judith, Bill's sibling. It was Judith's blood that cured Bill.

Bill would have cut off his right arm before he pyhsically hurt her. but Eric had actually considered torturing her: The night that Eric told her that Bill was kidnapped, he asked her about Bill's project. She instinctively knew he wanted it and that she should keep her mouth shut. She lied and said no, but Eric was skeptical and told her so. He told her that he could torture her to get the truth, but he wouldn't because he didn't want to ruin her beautiful skin; he wanted to see all of it. He also said that night that he wanted to fuck her. Besides he needed her to help rescue Bill before the queen found out he had been kidnapped.

He didn't want to torture me because he needed my help, and he wanted to have sex with me. Now, doesn't that make me feel just so loved and so special? She sarcastically thought now.

Eric said her that the queen had told him about the project, but Bill had told her that the queen didn't want Eric to know about it. When it came to it, she believed Bill. How did Eric really find out about it? She now knew that Eric probably had spies in Sophie-Anne's court all along. Had Eric known Bill was working on something important for the queen before Lorena called him?

Quinn had told her once that Eric was trying to cut her off from everyone who loved her. Eric told once told her that he would always tell her the truth, but he might not tell her all of it. He might not tell her things he didn't want her to know.

The night she learned of Bill's kidnapping, Eric told her that Bill had taken up with an old lover named Lorena. He said that Bill was enthralled with her again. He made it seem as if this was a voluntary act on Bill"s part, and that Bill had wanted to dump her for Lorena.

If that wasn't a downright lie, it was a lie of omission. What Eric had so carefully omitted that night was that Lorena was Bill's maker. She had commanded Bill to come to her, and as her child, Bill had no choice but to go to her. The involuntary compulsion to comply to with their makers' commands is innate to vampires. She had experienced just recently how much control a maker has over its child from none other than Eric's maker, Appius. Appius had forbade Eric to warn her that Alexei had been stalking her and Jason.

She had forgotten Eric's deceit and the the torture comment, and it made her angry. But it wasn't just that alone that roused her: Eric had her blood twice by that night, and he knew exactly how she felt about Bill, and he was jealous. He told her that night that she wouldn't always be devoted to Bill. He knew that if she believed Bill had willingly left her for another woman, she would be crushed and want to leave him.

He knew his deceit would hurt her, but he did it anyway because he wanted her. She now understood this was the first of many steps Eric had taken to try to drive a permanent wedge between her and Bill. Ultimately, Eric had been successful. Thinking about that now made her cringe with disgust at how gullible she was. Although she was angry at Eric, she was even more angry and ashamed of herself for not giving Bill the benefit of the doubt.

Over the next few months, there had been times, when she thought she might be able to forgive Bill and at least be friends with him. Seeing Bill with another woman, even when they were not together, bothered her much more than it should. He could still make her shiver with desire by the mere sound of his voice or a simple touch. She obviously still had feelings for him. Eric knew it, and couldn't understand it.

Eric was like a snake in the grass, trying to drive out any good feelings she had about Bill. He put obstacles in their way. When she was in danger and Bill wanted to protect her, Eric ordered him to stay away. She believed that Eric flaunted the blood bond in front of Bill. He wanted Bill to know they were having sex, and of course Bill did. She didn't care if Bill knew either, and it must have hurt him terribly. Sookie's cheeks flamed red with shame when she thought about that.

When she went to New Orleans to settle her cousin's estate; the final break with Bill occurred. On the way down in the limo, Bill had been preoccupied; he was clearly worried about something. Even before the trip, and again when she got to Hadley's empty apartment, he had tried to talk to her; but in her arrogance and pride, she wouldn't let him.

She and her now witch friend, Amelia Broadway, had been attacked by a Were turned vampire, Jake Purifoy. Bill came to the hospital to see her afterward, but Eric was already there. That night, Eric was angry that Bill had the temerity to show up. He forced Bill to confess that Queen Sophie-Anne had ordered him to Bon Temps to meet her. Bill wanted to explain, but she wouldn't let him finish completely. She was so overwhelmed with pain, anguish and hatred, she ordered him out; she never wanted to see him again.

Next to being physically tortured by Lochlan and Neave, that night was the probably worst night of her life. Bill's going to Lorena was nothing compared to this. She thought that her whole relationship with Bill was a lie; that he never loved her. She was in agony; she was crushed; she felt her heart shatter; she thought it was broken.

Though her blood, Eric had to know how hurt she would be that news, but again he must have felt Bill was in the way. The viking couldn't stand to see the pain on her face, so he turned away, but at least he patted her leg as he made Bill thrust the knife into her heart and cut it to shreds. What a guy! She thought.

How could Eric do that to me if he truly loved me? What kind of a person does that to someone they are supposed to love? I could never cause someone I love so much pain, even to make them love me. Just as when he told her about Lorena, Eric's actions in the hospital that night seemed incredibly self serving and truly contemptible tonight.

Later during that same trip, and after meeting Sophie-Anne, she understood that Bill could not have refused her order and stay alive. It didn't make her feel any better about what Bill had done though; she was still so angry and hurt. She had not forgiven him until after he had saved her from the fairies. That night, as they lay side by side, she knew for certain that Bill had loved her all along, and she loved him again, but that was feeling was soon forgotten.

Pam had told her once that Eric made Bill confess because he just didn't think what Bill did was right. What a joke. She had believed it then, but tonight she knew that was just plain bull. Bill's confession was the final stake that Eric needed to try and drive Bill from her heart. Furthermore she reasoned, with his spies at court, Eric most probably knew why Bill was being sent to Bon Temps all along. If so, his actions were worse than contemptible.

She had been with Eric as his girlfriend for about a week before the torture. The sex was incredibly exciting. Eric was probably the perfect lover, after more than a thousand years of experience, he knew exactly what buttons to push. She and Eric exchanged small amounts of the blood during that time. After the torture, Eric gave her massive amounts of his blood to heal her. So much so, she realized she was on the edge of turning vampire herself.

They started having sex almost right away, and Eric began to take her blood regularly during sex. The blood bond was strong then, and her feelings for Bill seemed to get lost in it. Had Eric taken her blood so many times that he could keep checking in on her feelings for Bill? The blood bond was starting to fade by the time Eric' maker showed up.

Without the filter of the blood bond, she was finally able to admit to herself what others had been telling her lately: that she still loved Bill. She finally to admitted to herself that she had never really stopped loving Bill, and she wanted him back.

Without the filter of the blood bond, she was able to admit to herself that whatever she had with Eric, it wasn't based on love; it was based on sex, blood and the pull of the blood bond. She couldn't deny that she had developed some true feelings for him, especially the week that he lost his memory and stayed with her. Perhaps under different circumstances, she could have truly and deeply loved him, but it was too late for that now; he had manipulated and tricked her too many times. She would never trust him again.

He tricked and manipulated her. He had cheated on her. His actions with the stripper were voluntary, whereas Bill's actions with Lorena were not. Because of his bond with his maker, Eric allowed Appius and Alexei to endanger her and Jason. She fully understood the compulsion of the maker/child bond, but she also understood that Bill nearly died to protect her from his maker, Lorena.

She would never willingly resume the blood bond. She would never willingly resume a relationship with him. She was truly, finally over Eric,, but she knew that he wouldn't give up easily. That would be a serious problem for her and any guy she dated.

Sookie was interrupted by the sound of the back door opening as Claude walked into the kitchen. He had been out in the back woods again; the evidence was plain on his clothing and shoes. He looked at her carefully; he had a very worried look on his face.

"God, cousin! You look like hell. What's up with you?" he asked as he grabbed bottle of apple juice from the refrigerator and sat down with her at the kitchen table. As usual, he sat at her side only inches from her.

Sookie began to feel Appius invade her mind again. Her face scrunched up in pain and she grabbed her head. The sensation passed after a few seconds.

"Sookie, please tell me what's going on, and don't tell me, nothing? I can see something is really wrong. I have never seen you look like this." Claude sounded worried and agitated.

Sookie told him how Appius had been tormenting her. She told him how he had broken her blood bond with Eric. Her voice trembled as she confessed she was afraid that her gift might be gone forever. She told him about Eric and the stripper and the possibility that he may be going to New Orleans as de Castro's second in command. Claude thought that was good until she told him that Eric would expect her to move with him. That wasn't so good.

"What I don't understand is why you are still with that creep. Why haven't you told him to get lost? More to the point, why is he allowing his sire to do this to you?" the big fairy demanded to know. His face was red with anger.

Sookie bristled. "You're jumping to conclusions that Eric does know. Anyway, even if he does, he may not be able to do anything about it." She explained the maker/child bond.

"This can't continue, Sookie. Something has to be done. You have to talk to Eric. You really should dump him; you know that,don't you?"

"Yes, I do, and I want to leave him, but says he won't let me go. I don't care; our relationship is so over. Unfortunately, I don't know when I will get the chance to tell him so as long as Appius is around. I can't wait for him to leave!" she said vehemently.

"If Appius is trying to harm you, you may not last that long, cousin. You know that don't you?

Sookie nodded her head. "I know."

"I wish I could kill them both for you, but I am not strong enough." her cousin said thoughtfully after a few moments. She could see the wheels rolling in is mind. She wondered what he was thinking.

"I wish someone would kill Appius, but I don't want Eric to die. I just want to be free, and I want him to leave me alone. So, don't try anything foolish, Claude." she said.

A pain that felt like a lightning bol, set Sookie's brain on fire. She clutched her head again. Appius was back in her head and with a vengeance. It was if the old vamp heard everything she was saying. The pain in her head was unbearable. "It's Appius! He's back in my head!" She screamed as she vomited all over herself.

Claude picked her up and took her into the bathroom. He held her hair for her as she leaned over the commode and threw up until her stomach retched with only dry heaves. The powerful convulsive spasms were so strong that her whole body hurt. The muscles in her head, back, stomach and neck were so tense they were like hard coils.

By the time her stomach was completely empty, her body was weak, sweaty, and shaking all over, but by then Appius had left her mind. Sookie cried with relief at the emptiness he left behind. Tears spilled through her cupped hands. Sobs wracked her aching body almost as bad as the vomiting before.

Claude undressed her and put her in the shower. Sookie leaned back against the back of the shower too weak to move or even care. Her cousin washed the vomit and sweat off her; quickly shampooed her hair and briskly toweled her off. He helped her to her brush her teeth and use the toilet. When she was done, he carried her to her bed and he made her lie down while he brought her a fresh nightgown to wear.

Claude was frightened for Sookie, more frightened than he had been in a long time. He wanted to call Dr. Ludwig, but Sookie refused.

The big, dark haired fairy stripped down to his underwear and got into the bed beside her.

"What are you doing, Claude?" Sookie weakly asked him. She noticed he smelled great; he wasn't sweaty at all from his run in the woods. His scent seemed to calm her.

"Hush now, cousin. Just go to sleep." Claude said as he turned her on her side with her back to him. He began to massage her scalp and back of her neck. When he felt her muscles relax, he started in on her back. His touch was not sexual in any way. His soothing ministrations felt good to her. When the muscles in her back relaxed. He softly whispered something in a foreign language that almost sounded like a spell or a lullaby as he gently rubbed her topmost arm and then massaged her hand.

After a few minutes, the headache was gone completely; she felt completely relaxed. As she started to drift off to asleep, she thought she heard Claude say:

"Sookie, I won't allow this to continue. I am going to contact Grandfather. I think we need his help."