Hi, guys. Brace yourselves for an uber long author's note.

I wish I could say that I'm updating so soon due to the kindness of my heart and because you guys are awesome but unfortunately those are not the reasons (though I do have a kind heart and you guys are awesome). I used to stay up all night when a new episode aired waiting for some generous soul to post it online ('cause I'm in Canada, eh) but somewhere in season 4 I just started waiting for it to air on YTV and even then it sat on my PVR until I had nothing better to watch. I just recently saw iToe Fat Cakes (I'm sure there's a reason for that title but for the life of me I can't figure it out) and the utter nonchalance WRT Sam not having a parent who cares really rubbed me the wrong way, because as many of you know from iWYTBMF I try to take Sam's home life and its effects on her seriously. Then the online buzz about Saturday's episode had me looking it up and when I found a season 2 episode, complete with Freddie following after Carly like a puppy and Sam standing there trying to figure out WTH was going on, I just... I can't do it anymore. I'm not saying the show isn't funny anymore because it is; I just find the character development after season 3 to be atrocious and when I start to actively hate my once favorite characters is when I check out. But those are my issues, not yours; I just want you to know where my head is at. Some of you already knew how disillusioned I was/am with the show but I feel the need to explain myself to all.

There's two chapters of this story left after this one and they will both be up next weekend. No offence to you beautiful people - I'm very grateful for the love and support you give my stories - I just really need to be done with it. As far as iWYTBMF is concerned I am still working on it (and will be finishing it as promised) but find myself lacking the motivation or the inclination to write iCarly right now and so I'll be wrapping it up within the next chapter or two. Which is really a good thing for you guys because you keep asking for resolution, right? And I feel completely vindicated in choosing to still have Sam reluctant to believe Freddie loves her even years later, too, so there's that. Gotta look for those silver linings, I guess...

Feel free to PM me to discuss or call me a deserter or whatever you will.

This chapter has a higher rating due to indirect references to mature themes.


Freddie watched from the couch as Carly paced the living room while periodically calling Sam and consistently getting directed to voicemail. As time went by his brooding (and her pacing) intensified; they had less than thirty minutes until the show started and no idea what to do when half of their dynamic duo had gone AWOL. He knew the skits well enough to be a poor man's Sam Puckett but then the only one who would be able to do all the tech stuff in his place was Brad and thankfully his name hadn't even come up as a solution. They're probably together anyway, Freddie thought miserably, sinking deeper into the cushions.

A knock sounded on the door and Carly practically bowled Gibby over in her haste to answer it. Realistically she knew Sam wouldn't knock (or if she did she wouldn't wait for an answer) but she was still disappointed to find Brad on the other side. Waving him in she sighed, "Hi."

It didn't take a genius to figure out she'd been hoping he was someone else. "Everything okay?"

Just peachy. At least Freddie knew Sam hadn't gone running to her perfect boyfriend, small comfort that it was…

No one said anything so Brad assumed it was a 'no.' And it was a pretty safe bet it was connected with the fact that his girlfriend was nowhere to be seen… "Where's Sam?"

Shutting the door behind him Carly quietly supplied, "She left."

Brad nervously hiked his bag higher on his shoulder. "What happened?" Freddie was sitting there so she obviously hadn't killed him and gone on the run.

Like he didn't know… Unable to stop himself Freddie griped, "You opened your big mouth, that's what."

"Freddie!" Carly chastised, hands on hips. It was hardly Brad's fault…

"She asked me what we were talking about this morning," Brad defended, "I wasn't going to lie to her." A: he was a terrible liar, and B: he'd said he wasn't going to fight, not that he was going to roll over…

Gibby just continued to eat his pudding, thinking he could make a small fortune on the iCarly behind the scenes drama if he weren't so terrified Sam wouldn't stop at a thumb.

"It's okay," Freddie sighed in self-loathing. He knew he had no one but himself to blame for his 'brilliant' plan backfiring; he just wasn't capable of doing anything right, apparently.

Carly shot him a concerned glance before adding, "She's not mad about that anyway." She didn't know how Sam wasn't mad about that but that was Sam for you.

She's not? Brad raised a confused eyebrow, suddenly worried that Freddie had somehow turned it around on him. "Then what's she mad about?"

Letting out a resigned groan Freddie motioned to the monitor; the guy would find out sooner or later anyway, and it wasn't really his reaction that mattered.

"Dude!" Brad muttered, seeing what was on the screen. He didn't even have to fight – Freddie was imploding all on his own.

"Yeah," Freddie unenthusiastically agreed.

Carly shifted her gaze from one boy to the other. You really couldn't tell by looking at them that one was trying to steal the other's girlfriend, and not for the first time that week she pinched herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. The whole thing was just weird

Brad didn't know why he did it – morbid curiosity was his best guess – but he refreshed the page. Apparently everyone was on the site waiting for the show because over 700,000 people had already voted and Freddie was leading with 88%. "I should go find her."

"You can't leave…" Carly argued, blocking his path. "We need you to do the tech stuff for the show." Out of respect to Freddie she hadn't suggested calling him before but now that he was there

"Can't you get your brother to fill in for her?" Brad didn't want to leave them hanging but at the moment his girlfriend was out there somewhere doing something that would most certainly get her into trouble and she was the priority.

Carly understood his dilemma – if it weren't for the show she'd be out there searching, too. "Spencer doesn't know the scripts and he's not home yet, anyway. And the show starts in like twenty minutes…"

"Fifteen," Freddie corrected automatically. Not that he'd been obsessively checking his watch since Sam left or anything…

Brad's internal debate was interrupted by a sharp knock and then the opening of the door. He smiled hesitantly at his girlfriend as she let herself in.

"Sam!" Carly quickly approached her, relieved that she'd come back.

Sam held her hands out in front of her. "Carly, I love you but you need to not touch me right now." She was clinging to her composure by the barest of threads and if the brunette hugged her it just might snap. Whether she'd end up crying or killing someone she wasn't sure but she wasn't fond of either possibility.

Carly pouted a bit but didn't move any further towards her. "You came back…" And of her own volition…

"You know me," Sam forced a smile, "the consummate professional." Actually she'd already pulled into her driveway when she realized that the online speculation would be a million times worse if she missed the show; if she had any hope of undoing the damage Freddie had done it wouldn't be with her face in a pillow.

Freddie stood, hoping to clear the air before the show. "Sam…"

"Ah!" she cut him off with a 'talk to the hand' gesture. "You don't get to speak to me." Turning to Brad she promised, "You – if you ever talk to him about me again you're done."

Brad wasn't sure if she was threatening to end their relationship or his life but wouldn't dare ask for clarification. For the first time he was actually scared of her, her tone icy and her eyes glinting dangerously.

"You…" Sam pointed to Carly. There was so much she wanted to say – things she'd been repressing for years – but knew she never would. "We have a show to do." Business as usual.

"I'm home!" Spencer announced, bouncing into the apartment and nearly running into Sam. When he saw the assembled teens he chuckled, "I swear you guys are multiplying…"

The others murmured half-hearted and/or awkward hellos.

Noticing the somber mood Spencer tilted his head. "Why do I get the feeling I just walked in on something?"

"Sam and Freddie are having a disagreement," Carly unhappily provided.

Well, that was a gross understatement. "You didn't tell him?"

"Tell me what?" Spencer asked Freddie with a pout. No one told him anything anymore; oh, how he missed the days when they were young and naïve enough to actually value his opinion…

"No time," Sam quickly interjected, "You can tell him later." Preferably once she was long gone.

"Right – the show," Spencer nodded. "We'll load the car up after, then?"

Sam gave him a half smile. "Thanks, Spence."

"Load the car with what?" Freddie asked, curious enough to risk incurring the blonde's wrath.

"Explosives," she returned automatically and without a trace of teasing. "Your car, not mine."

Giving her a questioning side-eye Spencer corrected, "Camping gear." That was some disagreement, whatever it was about.

Carly's eyes widened. "You're going camping? Why?" Sam wasn't as opposed to it as she was (if it didn't have running water she wasn't interested) but still…

"'Cause I'm less likely to get arrested out in the middle of nowhere." And she needed to get as far away from him as possible. Turning to her boyfriend Sam informed him, "And you're coming with. We leave as soon as school lets out tomorrow so Nancy'll have to find someone else to medicate her corns." She would leave after the show but knew Brad wouldn't cut the day. That's what she got for dating a Club Scout…

Brad looked around the room, embarrassed, but no one was paying him any attention. Big surprise.

Freddie gaped at Spencer. "You're helping her go camping with her boyfriend? Do you know why teenagers go camping?"

"Well, yeah…" Spencer thought back to his own misspent youth and grinned. It definitely wasn't for the S'mores… His grin faltered when he realized what the boy was getting at. Oops. "Uh… I trust Sam's judgment?"

In unison the girls pointed out, "You really shouldn't…" Sam shot Carly an offended glare.

"She doesn't make good decisions!" She'd said so herself…

"Stay out of it, Freddie," Sam warned. He needed to learn to quit while he wasn't dead.

Carly put a hand on Sam's arm. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea…" Especially not now, with all the fighting.

They really weren't getting that it was a bad time to push her. "Maybe it's none of your business," Sam suggested tightly, removing her hand.

Brad was pretty sure it was his business but kept quiet anyway; she probably didn't want to hear his opinion, either. He wondered if she even remembered he was there…

Spencer looked between them. "I think we need to talk about this, Sam." Obviously there was something going on that he didn't understand.

"You already agreed," Sam reminded him. "No takesies-backsies." Besides, if he refused she'd just go to someone else. Or knock over a Mall-Mart.

Freddie knew without a doubt Spencer would fold like a cheap house of cards. Taking hold of Sam's elbow he dragged her into the kitchen and lowered his voice so the others wouldn't overhear. "Look, I get that you're mad at me, okay? But don't do this…"

"Do what?" Sam growled, throwing his hand off her before she could give in to the urge to break it. "Go away for the weekend with my boyfriend?"

The boyfriend she'd been dating all of two weeks and had only kissed for the first time out of spite? Yeah. Freddie didn't even want to think about what she might do now, either to punish him or prove something to herself. "Don't do something you're gonna regret..."

Sam raised a dangerous eyebrow. Who was he to say what she'd regret? Who was he to say anything?

Fine. Freddie held his hands up in surrender, eyes pleading, "Please don't do something I'll regret, okay?" It would kill him and she knew it.

Leaning in close Sam hissed through gritted teeth, "Your regrets are not my problem." How dare he play the victim when he was making her life a living hell?

Spencer finally caught on and his gaze drifted to Brad who looked crazy uncomfortable. Poor guy. He really wanted the whole story but thought now would probably be a bad time to ask for the deets…

"Look at that!" Carly coughed loudly into the reigning silence. "Time to do the show!" She could talk some sense into Sam once things had cooled down.

Sam may have been on the brink of a nervous breakdown but she wasn't about to give Freddie the satisfaction of knowing it, holding his gaze until he lowered his eyes in defeat. Without another word she spun on her heel and made her way up the stairs.

Brad glanced awkwardly around the room before quickly following her.

"I'm going home," Freddie muttered as soon as the couple had disappeared.

Carly saw the unshed tears in his eyes and felt her own well up. "Aw, Freddie…" Even with everything he'd done she didn't know how Sam could be so cold.

"Stay and talk to me, Fredman," Spencer tried, taking hold of Freddie's sleeve as he walked by him to the door.

Freddie shook his head and pulled away. "Not now, okay? I'll see you guys later." Before they could argue he was in the hall and into his own apartment with no clue what to do next. Besides be a complete sucker for punishment... Grabbing his laptop he went out to the fire escape, falling into the lawn chair where the computer sat in his lap, unopened, for what felt like forever. He didn't know that he could handle watching the show, see Sam smile at Brad in his place, but he couldn't not watch, either. The first thing he noticed when the website loaded was that the poll was gone. He wasn't surprised – he'd known Sam would take it down (or have Brad do it) – but he figured for all the damage it had done there should have at least been some remnant of it. Heaving a depressed sigh he logged on to the live feed just as the iCarly logo flashed across the screen. Carly looked like she was having a hard time holding a smile, and Sam, well… Sam looked the same as she always did, like she didn't have a care in the world. If the invisible ninja thing didn't work out for her at least she'd have a career in acting to fall back on…

"Um…Freddie's not feeling well tonight so Brad's gonna fill in for him."

"Don't worry – he's going to be fine – he was just dropped on his head during cheerleading practice yesterday so he's a little more brain-damaged than usual."

The angry look Carly shot Sam onscreen told Freddie she hadn't been warned about the little attempt at damage control. He on the other hand had expected it. Didn't stop it from hurting, though. Especially when Sam held out her hands and tilted her head with a teasing smile.

"How do I know, you ask? Well, this morning I couldn't figure out what I wanted my mom to make for dinner so I told him to poll you guys on my two favorite noodles. Which he somehow heard as favorite nubs…"

She put her hand beside her mouth as though she was about to tell a secret and Freddie cringed in anticipation of what she was going to say next.

"Much better nubs out there to pick from, by the way. Don't know where he got the idea they were my favorites…"

She winked coyly at the camera (at Brad) and the only thing that kept Freddie watching was some masochistic need to hear how her story ended.

"Anyway… even though Freddie screwed up, again, I didn't want all your enthusiastic clicking going to waste so I did a little creative association. 'Cause Brad is tall and thin he became spaghetti, and Freddie became bow-tie pasta 'cause, well, he's the kind of nerd who wears a bow-tie."

She'd managed to completely ruin spaghetti for him and make him look like an absolute idiot at the same time; her talent for tearing him down was rivaled only by her talent for persuasion. Freddie had no doubt the viewers were swallowing it hook, line, and sinker. If there were lying competitions forget third – she'd win hands down.

"Long story a little less long, in honor of you guys I ended up having bow-tie pasta in a really yummy meat sauce. Probably would've been better with spaghetti but my taste buds thank you for voting all the same…"

Sometimes he wished he didn't speak Sam, hearing the 'Brad is better than Freddie' loud and clear. And she wasn't even done yet, pursing her lips and putting her hands on her hips authoritatively. She even looked like she was enjoying herself.

"So what have we learned today, class? 1: Boys can easily be replaced by pasta, and B: If you want something done right, don't ask Freddie. Very important lessons, both…"

Freddie closed his laptop violently, not even caring when it creaked in protest. His fault or not there was only so much he could take…


Yes, it was an ugly ugly chapter, but I never claimed Sam wasn't a bitch, especially when hurting and on the defensive. It's when she's violent and a bitch for no apparent reason that I have a problem...

I promise there's cards finally all on the table (on both their parts) and a happy ending to come next weekend. I swear.