A/N: Oh, my gosh. I just realized that it won't be long until this baby is throughoutly finished. (wipes tears) Letting a beloved fic go always stings a bit. And now I'm about to finish off TWO projects! (bawls)
Awkay… (takes a deep breath) I'm calm now, I swear. So let's move along.
THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for your amazing reviews! You're really adding fuel to my engine, ya know? It's thank to you this story's made it this far. So thank you! (HUUUUUGS)
So, I suppose that it's time to go, no? So let's rock. (grins) I really hope that you'll enjoy this bit of the turmoil!
Picking Up the Pieces
July 20th, 2013
It'd taken Spencer several days before he'd managed to gather enough courage to call Savannah Raymar. It eased his worries ever so slightly to hear that she sounded genuinely excited to meet Matthew. They agreed on a date. And that's how the waiting game began.
It was raining as Spencer sat in a coffee house, fidgeting nervously every once in a while. What made things even more nerve wrecking was that he'd had no other choice but to take Matthew with him because the team was working on a case. His son meeting Savannah immediately was not something he'd wanted. His mind was quick to flood over with worries, fears and horror images. At the moment the child was happily occupied by his book, but what'd happen when…?
He was just about to leave when something nailed him to the spot. The woman approaching him was a lot shorter than he'd expected. He'd known that she was twenty-five but somehow her glass covered, warm hazel eyes made her seem even younger. Her shoulder length blond hair bounced as she made her way towards him. A smile lit up her face as soon as she saw Matthew. "Hi. You must be Dr. Reid." Her accent gave away that she must've spent a lot of time out of the country. He couldn't tell exactly where. She nodded towards Matthew, her eyes genuinely pleased and curious. "So this is Mattie?"
Spencer nodded, something making his painfully tense muscles relax slightly. "Yeah." He cleared his throat, wondering how he was supposed to continue. "I've… read your resume. For someone of your age you seem to have a surprisingly extensive experience on autistic children."
Savannah nodded, glancing briefly towards Matthew as though she'd been keeping an eye on him already. "I started as a volunteer worker when I was still practically a kid myself. It's all thanks to my cousin." Seeing his frown she explained. "He's autistic. His parents died in a car accident when I was eight. He's lived with my parents since." She focused on Matthew once more. "He looks a little bit like Mattie, actually. Or maybe they just have this same spirit around them."
Spencer nodded with a slight smile. "I know what you mean."
Suddenly Savannah was a lot more solemn. Her entire focus was on him. "Look… I know that you've had a traumatic experience with Mattie's school. I'm sure that it still affects you both. I understand that you're wary."
It was Spencer's turn to focus on Matthew. The child was still staring at the book but it was easy to tell that his mind was entirely elsewhere. "That… should've never happened." He swallowed but the bitter taste wouldn't go anywhere. "I'd never forgive myself if something like that happened to him again."
"Have you talked about it to anyone?"
Spencer nodded slowly, uncomfortable with revealing all this to a total stranger. "Mattie's been to a specialist. The doctor forced me to see one as well."
"It's only a good thing that you've sought for help." She smiled. "I can tell that Mattie knows you've done everything possible for him. He trusts you enough to let you into his own private space."
Spencer blinked once and looked. He hadn't even realized that there was less than half an inch between them – and Matthew didn't seem to care. The change had happened so slowly and subtly that he hadn't even noticed.
Spencer opened his mouth for a question but before it could ever be voiced Savannah sneezed loudly. She gave him an apologetic look. "Sorry. Summer is tricky for a allergic person."
Before Spencer got the chance to react Matthew stunned them both with doing so. Never once lifting his eyes from the book the child pushed a couple of napkins on the table towards Savannah, then retreated back into his own little world.
Savannah blinked twice and smiled. "Well thank you. Aren't you a tiny gentleman."
Yes, Matthew didn't react to her in any way whatsoever anymore, but Spencer had seen it. That tiny change on his son's posture that only a parent could possibly detect on their child. Acceptance, shown in the only way the child could.
Maybe this could work out, after all.
It must've been at least a minute until Savannah cut the silence. "You know… This is the strangest job interview I've even been in."
At that moment Spencer did something he hadn't done in a long time. Something that his body ached for. He laughed.
Much later that evening, only half an hour after coming back home from a case, Derek stood behind the door of one of his apartments. Sarah's eyes widened ever so slightly for a while as she opened. He didn't miss the fidget of discomfort. "I didn't expect you to be back already." She cleared her throat. "Momma's out shopping groceries and Desi's sleeping…"
He shook his head, his jawline hardening. "I came to see you. Can I come in?"
Another fidget. She moved out of the way slowly. "Well, this is your apartment."
He spoke again as soon as the door had been closed. "Look… I've been meaning to talk to you for a while, since the hospital. About that picture."
The last time he saw that much pain on his sister's face was when their father died. It hurt him as well, no matter how complicated things between them were. "There's nothing to talk about." Her voice quivered, as did her lower lip. "It's nothing but a past mistake."
Derek's eyebrow bounced up. By then they were in the living room. "People don't usually keep reminders of a mistake in their wallet, Sarah."
She slumped to the couch, casting a desperate, trapped look towards him. "Derek, please! I… I can't talk about it, okay? Just forget about it."
His eyes narrowed. "You've been going on and on about how I should leave the one person I've ever been truly in love with. You've always supported me, stood by me, and now this! I'm a profiler and your brother – I can tell that your behavior has something to do with this. So spill, or I'll have momma fish it out of you."
Sarah looked away, visibly ashamed of herself, and folded her arms. It took a very long time before the whispered words came. "Her name… Her name's Isabella. We've worked together for years, but… A couple of years ago things changed. Feelings changed."
Derek could easily recall the change in his sister at the time. He nodded, mostly to himself. "You fell in love with her. There's nothing wrong with that."
Sarah nodded, burying her face into her hands. This time it took even longer before the story continued. "We started… dating, I guess. We never really labelled whatever it was going on between us. All I know is that I enjoyed it a lot while it lasted." She sighed, suddenly appearing old beyond her years. "And then… Then I saw a picture of her eight years old daughter. Of her daughter who has Down syndrome."
A jolt crossed Derek's body. He could relate to the feelings that must've overcome her then very well. To the shock, confusion, insecurity, anger.
Sarah wiped her eyes. It wasn't until then Derek realized that she was crying. "I… I was so angry at first. I felt like she'd betrayed me, led me on from the beginning. But then… Then I met Lauren." She took a deep, shuddering breath. "I… wish that I could say that we got along well, but… We didn't. Lauren was her daddy's girl who couldn't process why her mommy and daddy weren't together anymore. I was a convenient person for her to blame. She wasn't vicious or mean, of course. Just… Just a child acting up. But…" The tears were flowing even harder. "As it went on and on I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't a part of that family, never would be. That much became clear. And the stress I was putting on both Lauren and Isabella was too much. So I left. I even quit my job to get away from it all." Finally Sarah appeared at least somewhat composed. "That's… That's why I'm in no hurry to go back. I've got nothing to go back to."
They'd had a lot of arguments. Some of the things Sarah had said… They were almost unforgivable, even if they came from a family member. But as Derek looked at his sister now he couldn't control his instincts.
Sarah shivered slightly when he pulled her into a hug. As soon as she got over the first shock she clung to him as though he'd been her soul lifeline, wailing loudly while all the pain she'd been bottling up inside came flooding out. In a matter of moments she fell apart completely, right there in his hold.
Derek didn't have the slightest idea of how long it took until she managed to talk, barely audibly but still. "That's… That's why I got scared when I found out about Matthew – I've been there, in your shoes. I can't let you go through that same pain I felt. Because… Because you deserve so much more. You deserve to be happy, okay?"
Derek swallowed thickly, his own eyes stinging. The longing that'd never, ever faded away exploded in his chest as flashes flew through his mind. "What if I'm only happy with them?" He pushed her just a little bit further so that they could look at each other. "I only just met Mattie, but… I want to be a part of his life. His world."
Sarah frowned, a scared look in her eyes. "You may never become a part of that family, Derek. Especially when Spencer's pushing you away like this."
Derek nodded, feeling just as terrified as she looked. His hands trembled ever so slightly. "Well, that's the chance I've gotta take. Because… I can't live my life without knowing if it could've been."
Sarah sighed, rubbing her face with one hand. She appeared uneasy but at least not a horrified as she'd been a while ago. "It's not the life you've been dreaming of", she pointed out, her inner turmoil clearly still eating her up.
Even to his own surprise Derek gave a tiny, slightly sad smile. "Then maybe it's time to stop dreaming and wake up to reality. Because reality is hell a lot better."
July 24th, 2013
After several days of sunshine it was once again raining that day. For some odd reason JJ appeared to Spencer's doorway when it was around noon, announcing that since the team just came back home from a case she wanted to spend a couple of hours with her godson. She urged him spend that time in fresh air, no matter the weather – according to her he looked like he hadn't seen the light of day in weeks. It was most likely true.
Spencer's whirring thoughts took the lead as he walked around, barely even noticing where he was going. That summer's roller coaster spun over and over again in his head, making it hurt slightly. He could only wonder how it'd all come down.
All of a sudden Spencer froze, his eyes widening under the realization of where he'd ended up. It was a park. The exact same one where Derek had followed him after a particularly hard case. They hadn't said much. Somehow it'd felt like the other being there was everything they needed. In the end Derek stunned them both with leaning closer and pressing a kiss to his forehead.
It was on that day Spencer finally realized that he was in love.
Dazed, tired and slightly out of breath Spencer walked on, found himself slumping to the same bench he occupied on that magical day. He didn't even notice the chilling rain washing over him. His heart was hammering with such speed that it hurt.
Wasn't he too young for a heart attack?
Suddenly Spencer emitted a quite embarrassing yelp when an umbrella appeared to shield him from the rain. There was a low chuckle. "Are you trying to catch your death or something?"
Slowly, wondering if he was dreaming, Spencer turned his head just enough to see the person stood directly behind him. Derek looked tired and slightly pained but still so familiar that it made his heart beat faster. Even the man's scent was that same one he remembered very well.
There were a million things swirling on Spencer's tongue. Out of those all he spat out the most likely worst option. "What… are you doing here?"
Derek smiled fondly, clearly finding his trouble with words endearing. "Probably the same thing as you." Then, without waiting for a further invitation, the man sat down right next to him, careful to keep the umbrella on them both at all times.
The silence hung heavily on them, loaded with all the things that should've been said. Spencer knew that he'd have to be the one to make the first move. That's why he forced his tongue to work. "Mattie… He misses you. He keeps drawing pictures where all three of us are together." He swallowed thickly, his hand twitching with desire to move closer. "I… miss you, too."
Derek sighed. "I shouldn't have let you push me away. Not when I could see how much you needed me."
Spencer shook his head. It was time to be honest, so that was what he would be. "I wouldn't have let you help me even if you'd stayed. I could've never been in a fair, honest relationship in the state of mind I was in." He swallowed. "At least that's what my therapist keeps telling me."
Derek's eyes widened with shock. "You're… seeing a shrink?"
Spencer nodded, hoping that the other man would leave the matter there. He still wasn't sure what to make of it. Needing professional help wasn't a simple matter for him.
Silence lingered between them as they tried to process the situation they were in. They both had fears. Insecurities. Demons of the past. And wherever they'd choose to go with things they had to consider Matthew's wellbeing. That was hell a lot package on one relationship.
In the end it was Derek who opened the conversation. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And… I think I know where we went wrong, the last time. We tried to take it too fast – for all of us three." There was some bitter irony in that simple truth. In the beginning of their relationship they'd taken things so slowly that they'd almost made it nowhere. Perhaps that's what scared them into moving far too quickly when everything changed. "This whole… becoming a family thing came way too fast. I don't think that either one of us was really prepared for it." A hand crept towards his but didn't touch. "In my opinion we'd deserve a second shot. If you're up to it."
Spencer took a deep breath before his lips opened again. He didn't manage to get enough air into his lungs, which made the words quiet and feeble. Technically this was their third shot – they already had a trial separation once upon a time. What if things wouldn't work out this time, either? What if…? "Statistically…"
Usually Derek silenced his oncoming ramble with a kiss. This time the man chose to do something very different. The hand that'd been creeping towards his was suddenly holding on very tightly, desperately. It was far more than just an offer.
Spencer had denied himself from what he wanted the most for so long. His whole body hurt with need. He couldn't hold it back any longer. Before he realized what was happening his fingers had laced through Derek, fitting perfectly. The rain didn't stop but neither noticed.
Didn't the saying go 'third time's the charm'?
Spencer's analytical head was curious to find out if the saying was true.
TBC, for a lil' bit
A/N: There's still quite a bit ahead of them. BUT, at least it looks like there's finally hope. Yay? And Mattie's got a nanny. Hopefully that takes some burden from Reid's shoulders.
Awkay… Unfortunately the clocks knows no mercy. (groans) BUT, before I go off and away… PLEASE, leave a note! Let me know that you're out there. It's a great way to earn some good karma… (winks)
There may be only an epilogue of this left, one chapter plus an epilogue at most. I want to finish this before I end up dragging the story but my mind's still arguing over some details. Either way, this'll be over VERY soon. (sobs once) It'll be a sad day when I let this go.
Until next time, folks! I really hope that I'll be seeing ya then.
Take care!
Bomih Suju: It REALLY warms my heart to hear that, you know? (beams) I really hope that the rest won't end up being a disappointment, either.
Colossal thank yous for the review!
