Dear Kurt,
My Aunt Ruby, she, she's sick now too. Hers is in her lungs. The doctor said it's not as progressed as yours was, which means that she should be okay. But she looks just like you did. I can't shake the image of her pale white skin and frail body walking to the X-Ray room. They think she's broken a few ribs from all the coughing.
It just brings back the bad memories again, all the ones of when you were sick. And as much as I hate myself for it, I can't help but wonder why she gets to live and you didn't. I've never seen anyone fight so hard to survive as you did Kurt. Every waking moment you spent trying to get better, the physiotherapy, everything you did. I knew you were in so much pain, but I understood that you weren't ready to give up. The day I came to take you to your exercise class and you said no, that was the day I knew you'd given up. You'd let your cancer win. As I fought back the tears I knew I had to hold it together. I couldn't be mad at you after all you'd done. There was no getting better for you. I will just never forget the pain in your eyes. "Not today Blaine" you'd murmured through gritted teeth. I knew you were hurting. But you were hurting inside too. You wouldn't even look at me Kurt.
That day, that moment, it broke my heart.
And I haven't been able to fix it since.
Jackson told me to tell you he misses you. He said I had to give you this worm he found too. But luckily I convinced him to put it back in the garden. I told him that you miss him too. "Of course" he replied. He's smug, just like you. He gave my Aunt Ruby all your old pamphlets today at the hospital. He told her that they have to save someone, and although it didn't work for you it will work for her. The one about healthy eating and 'cancer fighting veg', he read it to her as much as he could, telling her all about broccoli. Ruby had tears in her eyes, just as I did. "Kurt was so lucky to have you", she said. But I think it's the other way round.
We sang to her in the evening. The same song that I used to sing to you. It's Jackson's favourite song now.
Stay with me
Don't fall asleep too soon
The angels can wait for a moment
I wish they could have waited just a little while longer Kurt.
I miss you and I love you baby.
Blaine.
