Epigenetics: The development and maintenance of an organism is orchestrated by a set of chemical reactions that switch parts of the genome off and on at strategic times and locations. Epigenetics is the study of these reactions and the factors that influence them. [1]
Bella.
It took me half a second to react, and at that point I was almost a quarter mile past Bella's parked truck. I saw a dirt road ahead and yanked the wheel hard to the left, and with the wheels skidding along the pavement we veered off onto the side road. I slammed on the brakes, and the car shuddered to a stop, the dust rising in a cloud around us. Jasper's hands had pressed a few inches into the dashboard.
"What the fuck, Edward?" Jasper looked at me in disbelief.
"Oh, shit, Edward, I think I cracked the windshield back here..." Emmett mumbled from the backseat as he sat up.
"I... I don't know." I wracked my brain, trying to think of something to say.
I heard another car driving south on the highway, and looking in my rearview mirror I saw a sedan driving by. I could hear the thoughts of the driver, an older guy, and although I had to strain as he got farther away I could see Bella's truck through his mind's eye. She was still parked on the side of the road, and she looked small sitting in the driver's seat. I realized that although I could still faintly hear the thoughts of the man in the car, I couldn't hear her at all.
"Shut up! Shh! " I hissed at Jasper as he opened his mouth to speak.
I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate harder. Why couldn't I hear her? She had to still be there; I'd seen her only seconds before, and the man driving by confirmed it. Was she okay? Was she conscious? There was no way I could get out and check. I wasn't sure I wouldn't be able to smell her from this distance, and there was no way I was going to chance it.
"What the hell?" Jasper shook my shoulder, and I reluctantly opened my eyes and looked over at him.
He was angrier than I had ever seen him. Emmett's head had popped up between the two front seats, and he didn't seem too pleased either.
"I..." I wanted to lie, but I couldn't. "I know her. I knew her. Bella, that girl in the truck back there. I think she saw me."
There was a long silence in the car as Emmett and Jasper tried to figure out what to say. Emmett was sympathetic, because he thought he knew what Jasper would want to do. I realized with horror that he knew exactly what Jasper was thinking; I could hear it myself. Jasper wanted to take her out. He didn't want to risk our secrecy.
"No. Jasper, no. I won't let that happen. I won't let you hurt her." The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I was talking.
There wasn't a question in my mind; if Jasper wanted to hurt Bella I would have to stop him. My whole body was tense. I was like a live wire, and I realized that this could go downhill very fast. I didn't want to get out of the car—I could put Bella at risk. Could I fight Jasper while resisting her? I kept both of my hands on the steering wheel and could hear the plastic start to crack as I gripped it tighter.
"Jasper, you can't hurt her. I don't know if she even recognized me." My voice was shaky, betraying emotions that I was sure Jasper was well aware of already.
"Jasper, he's right," Emmett interjected as he realized that he was right in his assumption. "We can't risk anything right now, with all that's going on. Edward can listen in, right? And hear in her mind if she recognized him?"
Jasper shook his head, as if trying to clear it. I could tell that he wanted to call Alice, get her advice, but he also didn't want to burden her with another one of his problems. He was angry with me and trying desperately to hold that anger in check. He was tired of dealing with me, and he hated how I dredged up all of his old painful memories he tried so hard to get rid of. He didn't want the responsibility. He was tired. But on top of all of that he was still rational; he didn't want to unleash his rage onto a volatile newborn, and he was trying to focus in on the practical side of his military training. I wanted to take advantage of that rationality.
"Emmett's right, Jasper," I tried to placate him. "I can listen in; she's still pulled over on the side of the road. Let's just... let's just try to stay calm and not act rashly, okay? We need to know everything before anyone acts." I almost smiled at how weird that sounded coming from me, the "volatile newborn."
Jasper took a deep breath and looked at me. He knew I was listening in, and I could tell just how tired he was of trying to control his thoughts around me. He was torn between wanting to just walk away from me and the whole situation, and ripping my head off. It was the first time his thoughts had been so uncontrolled around me, and I was surprised at just how much violence must be lurking under the surface.
"Please, Jasper, just give me a few minutes," I asked quietly.
He didn't respond out loud, but he nodded in agreement, and his thoughts were distinct enough to let me know that if she had any idea of what she had seen, things would not go well for Bella. Jasper made it clear that to me there would not be anything else that might threaten Alice's safety, damn the consequences.
"Okay. Okay," I said as I took a deep breath and closed my eyes again.
I tried to concentrate in on the area of Bella's truck, only a couple hundred yards away. If I still couldn't hear her mind I would be screwed. I had no doubt that I would be unable to control my emotions if I tried to lie to Jasper about Bella's thoughts; he would pick up on it right away. I was sure I was already saturating the car with my anxiety and doubt and fear. Emmett and Jasper's thoughts quieted down a little.I could tune them out to some degree and listened as hard as I could. I could hear small animals in the woods off of the 101. I could hear cars further up and down the highway, and I could even hear the quiet noises of the engine of Bella's truck as it cooled off.
But her mind, it was like a vacuum; there was nothing there. Had she passed out or something? I couldn't make sense of it.
I was getting more and more nervous when a small miracle occurred; I heard a cell phone ring faintly in the distance. It must have been coming from Bella's truck. Since I was already focusing all of my attention on her, I could hear quiet shuffling and then her voice, my god, her sweet voice, answer the phone.
"Hello?" she said thickly, as if she had a cold. I tilted my ear slightly to the left, as if the few extra inches would allow me to hear her better. I couldn't make out the voice on the other end; my vampire hearing was not that good, but I could hear Bella's voice clearly. I could tell Jasper and Emmett were listening just as intently, and I heard Bella's side of the conversation in triplicate, echoing in the minds of the two of them nanoseconds after Bella spoke.
"Hi, Mom."
Bella's voice was such a relief to hear. It was almost as though I had imagined my whole life before I was changed; sometimes I doubted I had ever been anything but a part of this new surreal existence. But this, this was proof that my old life was real, that the people I loved were still there.
"No, it's not too early," Bella continued after a minute. "I was actually driving home for the weekend. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get an early start."
"No, yeah, I got it. Thanks for the package, that was really sweet of you." There was another short pause in the conversation.
"No, you don't have to come up. That would be silly, all the way from Florida just for a weekend? I'll be fine."
"I... I don't know, Mom, you're right, I'm not doing so good." She hiccupped, and I wondered if she really had a cold or if it was something else.
"No, really, seeing Dad will help. It'll help calm his nerves, all of the murders in the big city and all… no, no. I'm not going to come stay with you and Phil. Look, it's not like Jacksonville is any safer than Seattle. I'm going to be okay. I can't leave my job anyway." There was a longer pause, and now I was certain she was crying.
I raked my hand over my face. This was unbearable. I couldn't stand to be here, listening in alongside Jasper and Emmett; it was worse than when I was a mental peeping tom with Jasper and Alice. It was worse than my mindreading; this was unforgivable. We had to go. I started to reach for the key in the ignition when Bella started talking again.
"Mom? I don't know what to do. This isn't normal, I know. Can you believe I thought I saw him? Driving down the road? I had pulled over because... yeah, you're right, I was crying again. I can't seem to control it. And then this car drove by, and I thought he was driving, but that's just ridiculous." I could hear her inhaling in short, shaky breaths.
"I see him... I see him all the time. We went on one date, three weeks ago, and now I can't sleep, I can't eat; I don't know what's wrong with me, Mom." There was a long pause again, with Bella occasionally interjecting "uh huhs" and "yeahs" through hiccups and her uneven breathing.
"No, you're right, you're right. I'm sure it's just the stress of everything. Yeah, I do think your therapist is right; I'm projecting my fear about all of the murders and everything else onto the death of this boy I barely knew. Yeah, I know."
Oh god. She was talking about me. She was crying about me.
"Heard enough?" I said harshly. "She doesn't really think she saw me. We're okay to go."
I turned the ignition and looked in the rearview mirror as I put the car in reverse. Jasper started to say something, and I looked over at him sharply.
"Just don't, okay? She didn't really see me. We're safe. I'm leaving." Jasper leaned back in his seat. He was a mess of thoughts, but was willing to let us leave. I looked up and down the highway and backed onto the northbound lane, speeding off before we could hear any more of Bella's conversation. Luckily I had pulled off far enough in front of Bella's truck that she wouldn't see the Volvo.
I was dreading the fifteen-minute ride back to the house. It was bad enough that I had to try and think about what I had just heard, but hearing Jasper and Emmett dissect it in their minds as well would be excruciating.
Emmett was sympathetic as usual, and I had to give him credit—he really wasn't that bad to have to listen in on. I had to give Jasper credit, though, too. He was feeling remorseful for his earlier thoughts, although he was a little resentful that he had thought he had to apologize.
"It's okay, Jasper," I sighed. I knew rationally I couldn't be mad at someone for their thoughts; it was ludicrous to try and blame someone for what flitted through their mind. And really, he was right. They had all explained to me in one form or another that there was only one vampire rule, strictly enforced: Do not be seen; do not be discovered. Stay a secret. Jasper was right in wanting to make sure we followed the one thing that apparently could be punished by death.
"No, it's not," Jasper spoke out loud. "I shouldn't be so impatient with you. Just because we have a lot going on right now, it's not an excuse to expect more from you than any other newborn. I'm sorry you saw that girl, Edward."
I realized that what Jasper hated most was feeling out of control, having all of these uncontrollable situations thrown at him again and again. It reminded him of his time with Maria, who used chaos to keep him unsteady and uncertain.
"Jasper, it's all right. Nothing happened; we don't even have to tell anyone about it for all I care," I responded.
We were getting closer to the house, and for the first time I was really glad to be going home. Being with everyone else would help take my mind off of what had just happened. I sighed again as I looked in the rearview mirror. Emmett was intentionally avoiding my gaze. He was uncomfortable with what had happened and didn't know what to say. He was remembering how quickly the Cullens had moved to Canada after his transformation, taking him thousands of miles from his human family and friends in Tennessee. He couldn't imagine staying so close to them after the change.
He didn't remember much from his human years, but remembered warmth, and laughter, and a large number of siblings, and a sweetheart, a young, petite brunette he took walks with. He had never told Rosalie about her, and he rarely thought of her, but he was thinking now that she was like my Bella.
"My" Bella. How ridiculous was that? Maybe whatever her mother said on the phone during that overheard conversation was right. We were both projecting all of our fear and confusion over what had happened to us into mourning something that wasn't even real, something that could never come to fruition. We had known each other for a handful of hours. Despite whatever "new age" tendencies were in my upbringing, above all else I wanted to be a scientist, a doctor, and that meant reason. I didn't believe in "love at first sight."
Bella was a symbol, I told myself, of what I had lost, my human life. But there was a small part of me, a part that I was ashamed of, that was glad that she was upset. She had liked me. Enough to cry. Enough to be upset, unable to sleep and driving at some god-awful hour of the morning, pulled over on the side of the road, unable to continue because of her grief. It shouldn't have made me feel good, and it didn't, really. But somehow, it gave me a small sense of hope, one I couldn't and didn't want to make sense of.
The rest of the family was still scattered around the house when we returned. Alice walked out onto the front porch when we got out of the car, and smiled sympathetically at me when we walked up the steps.
"You saw all that, then?" I asked. She nodded and directed her thoughts at me.
I'm sorry about that, Edward. I could have called to warn you all, but I thought it might do you good to see her. You liked her a lot, didn't you? I nodded as I went and sat beside her on the porch swing in the warm morning light. It was still early enough that the sounds of all of the night insects could faintly be heard, fading off in the woods. Jasper stepped over and kissed Alice on the head and told her he was going inside to read.
I could hear in Emmett's thoughts that he was anxious to get Rosalie out into the woods, under the guise of hunting. It was awkward living under the same roof with three apparently very amorous couples when I could read their minds. They were all polite enough to head off to the forest when they wanted to have sex, but I knew from their thoughts that there was a reason each couple had a bedroom in a house where no one slept, and they weren't used to passing the nights reading and working of various projects.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Alice broke me out of my reverie.
"No." I answered. "I don't know. I don't know what to think, really. I guess I'm glad, in a way? That people miss me? But I don't want to cause anyone any more pain."
Alice hummed in agreement, choosing to address me with her thoughts rather than out loud.
Edward, there is so much I regret because I don't have any human memories. Emmett always teases me about taking on humanity as a research project, and I guess it's true in some ways. I know it must hurt so much, but I really envy you. You remember so much, and although it must be terribly painful to stay so close to your human life, it will help you in the long run. It will make you better, make it easier for you. You know what Shakespeare said,
"'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all'?" I interrupted, laughing. "I doubt what he had in mind was "it's better to have had one date with a pretty girl before abruptly being turned into a vampire than to have never had the date at all.'"
I shook my head. "I don't think Shakespeare can help me much here, Alice." Alice smiled and leaned her head against my shoulder.
Yeah, I guess you're right. But seriously, Edward, people loved you, and you get to remember that. It is a good thing, although it may not feel like it now. Why don't you go upstairs and talk to Carlisle in his office? He's got some questions for you about what you want to do if we move.
"Um, okay," I said as I stood up from the seat. Honestly, I was a little intimidated by Carlisle. We hadn't had much time alone to talk, and although he had been nothing but kind to me, he was like a particularly intense college professor who I knew I should go see during office hours, but could never get up the courage to go. His experience and intelligence made me feel so ridiculously young.
I walked into the house and said hi to Esme, who was still sitting at that computer in the dining room where we had left her many hours ago. I walked up the old wooden stairs, stopping at the top. Carlisle's door was the first on the right. Did I knock? He must have heard me on the stairs.
Come in, Edward. I'd asked Alice to send you up when you had the chance. Well, that answered that. I pushed the door open and looked inside.
The whole "Carlisle-as-professor" thing wasn't helped by his office, with its floor-to-ceiling bookshelves stacked haphazardly with hundreds of hardcover volumes, and an oversized wooden desk taking up much of the room. The desk covered with papers, some stacks at tall as the computer monitor perched on one corner. I wondered if he were a packrat, but I realized that he was over three hundred years old. Stuff must build up over time.
Have a seat, Edward, Carlisle thought, and gestured to the worn leather chair that faced the desk. I picked up the two medical textbooks that were on the seat, and looked around.
Just put them on the floor. Esme is always after me to clean up my office; she can't believe I just lug this mess from house to house, but I have my own method of organization. Carlisle smiled as I placed the books at my feet and gingerly sat on the chair. Do you prefer me to speak out loud?
"Um, yeah, actually, if that's okay with you," I said as I looked around the room. Despite being a little intimidating, the office also felt warm and lived in, even though Carlisle and Esme had been in the house less than a week.
"I have to admit, studying vampire physiology is a bit a hobby of mine, and I am very intrigued by your gift. Alice says that you can read human minds as well? Have you tested your range?" Carlisle asked as he leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on the desk.
"Yeah, I can. Um, human minds are a little different, I guess? It's not just that they are simpler than vampire minds, which I think is true, but I also think I don't pick them up quite as strongly? I think, I mean I haven't really spent any time in any close proximity to anyone yet. Really, the closest I got were the people in the passing cars on our drive last night. I think my range is about a mile for vampires, and less for people, like maybe a little less than half a mile."
"That's really fascinating. After things have calmed down I would like to test a few things out, try to figure out more about it. And of course, try to help you find ways to deal with it. Like Alice, it must be almost as much of a burden as a gift." Carlisle smiled at me. In some ways he reminded me of Emmett; his thoughts were so similar to what he said. It was calming.
"I do want to apologize again that we haven't really gotten a chance to sit down properly and talk yet." Carlisle continued. It was true; he had mentioned a few helpful things here and there, interjecting into my conversations with Jasper, but his attention was almost fully devoted to the immediate future of the Cullens and the impending confrontation with whoever was in Seattle.
"We haven't fully given you the attention we should—I should—be giving you. You can ask me anything, you know. Jasper has had more experience than I have with newborns, but I do have to say that I have a little more experience with our lifestyle in particular. Do you have any questions? Is there anything you need help with?"
"Um, you said that, well, Alice was telling me that you wanted to help plan out what I would do when we moved to Quebec. So is that finalized now?"
"Yes, we think so. We'll meet together as a family later today, but no matter how things turn out with the others in Seattle, we would want to move anyhow to give you a fresh start. It's cruel to make you stay here with your old life so close by." Carlisle frowned, and his thoughts turned towards memories of the others he had changed, Rosalie and Emmett in particular, who had family still living when they were turned. He was grateful that Esme had been all but alone in the world when he found her in the morgue. I wasn't quite as upset as he was about the fact that we were still in Washington State. If we had left already, I wouldn't have been able to see Bella again. As painful as it had been, I couldn't start to quantify how much that brief glance between us had meant to me.
To distract himself, Carlisle asked me what I might like to do once I got past my first year and was able to rejoin the world in public. I started thinking out loud, brainstorming ways to try and still study medicine even though I knew I wouldn't be able to stand to be around that much blood.
"Maybe a PhD, first?" Carlisle suggested. "Get a good solid background in the theory, see what's going on in biochemistry or genetics. You can still help people without actually practicing hands-on medicine, if that's your motivating factor. Oh, that would be great! I keep trying to get Rosalie to try out biomedical engineering, but she's firmly entrenched in the mechanical and mathematical end of things. Alice and Esme are much more interested in the more social sciences. It will be nice to have someone to properly bounce ideas off of!"
"Oh, I don't know about that," I stammered. Jesus, here I was with my lousy bachelor's in biology and Carlisle thought he'd found the Watson to his Crick. "I don't really know anything."
Carlisle laughed in response. "I don't care what you know. That will take care of itself. I care about what you're interested in. Are you familiar with the theory of epigenetics?" God, the first question Carlisle asked me, and I didn't even have a clue. I shook my head.
"Sorry."
"It's all right! Don't apologize. Do you want to hear about my theory? Of course, if you're not interested, you don't have to humor me. The others don't, believe me." Carlisle laughed again and sat up, looking around his desk. "Where is it... oh yes, here! Read this article; let me know what you think. What's going at, where, oh yes, McGill University, their research with maternal instincts in rats, and then also read this, there's some interesting research going on in Sweden with large-scale epidemiological studies..."
"Can I read them here?" I asked.
I actually was starting to enjoy sitting in Carlisle's study. It reminded me a bit of my mother's office; her textbooks and journals were always spread out all over. She always kept a few National Geographics in her office when I was a kid, something with pictures to keep me occupied while she did her work.
"Of course! Let me know if you have any questions. See, I think that the idea of epigentics can be applied to vampirism! These genes are always there, but they are switched on during the change. I never understood how a fully developed creature could be mutated so fully through just the injection of venom."
"Huh," I said. I did enjoy my genetics classes, and I tried to remember what I had learned about genetic mutation.
I flipped open the first article and started reading. It was interesting, talking about the effect of switching mother rats on genetically different infants, and how it affected the development of the rats. Carlisle wandered around the room, pulling down random books and journals. We fell into an easy back and forth, my asking questions, his answering or pulling out more things for me to read, or both. He started talking about maybe even setting up a lab in the house in Quebec, since I wouldn't be able to attend school for a while. I was so entrenched in a paper describing a study about twins and autism that I was actually startled when I heard Jasper knock on the door.
"Edward?" Jasper poked his head through the door. "We were going to go hunt, Alice and I, and maybe Esme. Did you all want to come?"
I looked back and forth between Jasper and Carlisle, who was still frowning at his laptop. I had stumped him with a question about RNA interference, and he was cursing the fact that his searches on PubMed were limited by his current lack of a hospital affiliation. "Um... I guess? What time is it?"
Jasper shrugged. The whole family was amused by my interest in always knowing the time. They didn't really seem to care, since none of them currently had the need to keep up with any human pretenses. I glanced over again at Carlisle, who looked down at the corner of his monitor.
"Hmmm, eight thirty?" he replied absentmindedly.
"What?" I asked and looked out the window. It was dark outside. "Have we really been up here for over twelve hours?"
"I guess so." Jasper grinned at me. He was happy that I had found something to keep me occupied, and was soaking in the joy emanating from Carlisle. Apparently Carlisle had been complaining for a while about a lack of anyone else's interest in biology or medicine, and he knew that Alice was to some degree just humoring him by registering for med school in the fall.
Carlisle looked up at the two of us when he realized we were both looking at him.
"Thank you, Jasper, for bringing Edward to us. I know that this was a choice he didn't want, but I am so glad that he's here." He grinned at me. "You go on; I'm going to keep looking for that one publication I mentioned. I can't believe I don't have a hard copy!"
I got up and followed Jasper out the back door, where Alice and Esme were waiting for us. Alice walked up to me.
"Esme and I were just talking about how wonderful it is for Carlisle to have someone to talk with. He just loves his research so much, and to be honest it's not really a passion for the rest of us."
Esme nodded in agreement. "I overheard you all talk about the idea of a lab—the house I've picked out in Quebec has an unfinished basement, which would be perfect to convert. I thought at first it might be hard to fit a proper hood into the space, but then I realized, of course you aren't going to be worried about fumes!" Esme laughed. "Wait until you see the floor plan; you'll get the top level all to yourself!"
"Esme..." Alice whined. "I wanted that for my studio!"
"Alice! Remember, there is that space above the detached garage. It has better light anyhow."
Jasper and I followed the two girls out into the woods. It was another clear night, and the warm summer breeze felt good. From the back, Esme's petite form reminded me a bit of Bella. I had forgotten about what had happened early this morning. Well, as much as I could forget with my new brain; it was always there, nagging me, like my guilt about the woman I killed, and my fear for my family. There was no way now for me to forget anything completely. But being with Carlisle had helped, a lot. I had felt useful for a few hours.
I took a deep breath as I started to run along with the others. I would have to put Bella out of my mind. What could I do? If I tried to see her, I would kill her. She would be sad for a few weeks, maybe a month, but we would take care of the problem in Seattle and then slip away from this part of the world. She would forget me, and I would have to focus on trying to find happiness here, with my research with Carlisle, and chess with Jasper, and playing the piano, and goofing around with Emmett.
This morning then was my swan song, I decided, my last contact with who I was before I embarked off into my new life.
[1]http://learn[.]genetics[.]utah[.]edu/content/epigenetics/
AN: Thank you again to Feisty for her amazing beta skills! And thank you to all who are reading and reviewing - it's amazing how exciting it is to get review notifications in my inbox - they make my day!
