Title: The Captain, part 9/15
Author: Becominglight
Rating: M
Category: Romance, Angst
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Janeway/Seven
Summary: What happened in the universe where Voygager took 23 years to reach Earth? What really motivated Admiral Janeway to return? Loosly woven through final few season of STV, this is the story of how Janeway the Captain also became Kathryn the woman.
Spoilers: Pretty much the whole series!
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. Please don't sue…
Author's Notes: I wrote this without thinking about slicing this up into sections… so it some may be a bit arbitrary…Please comment, I really appreciate!
Part 9
The planet hung in space, a big giant ball that receded as Voyager's impulse engines took them out of the star system. They jumped to warp. Direction: The Alpha Quadrant.
Janeway was seated stiff in her seat, watching with emotions she could barely identify as the M-class planet winked out of her world. A bitter sweetness, an aching pain, guilt, self reproach, longing, love. They stung with hurricane like ferocity, rising and ebbing in their turn.
She'd stayed on voyager the rest of the leave. Seven, who had left her at her quarters, had returned an hour later, gleaming and divine in one of her outfits. She'd gathered Janeway up joyfully in her arms, kissed her deeply and Janeway had allowed it, knowing it would be the last time. At the thought she'd started to cry, the salt mingling as their lips fused together and she though she would always taste tears and think of this moment. Her arms had wrapped forcefully around that warm supple body, her legs hooking around Seven's waist. She was lowered to the sofa and gently pried loose.
"Kathryn, you are crying."
Janeway could not answer, her throat had been so constricted. The tears had slid down her cheeks and she'd touched her fingertips to Seven's face and tried to convey with her eyes the love she felt for her, the great aching, glorious love she felt.
"I'm sorry." She'd finally said.
Seven had looked confused.
"I'm so sorry because we can't do this."
"What do you mean?"
"Us. This. We can't."
"Why not?" she'd looked at her uncomprehending.
"Because I am your captain and you are part of my crew. Because you are married."
"I'm leaving him."
Janeway's heart had skipped a beat. "Oh how I wished it were that easy."
"It is. Tonight I will tell him. I will tell him I want to terminate our relationship."
Janeway had stood up and moved to the window and looked at the stars.
"You want to leave him."
"Yes. I want to be with you."
"It'll break his heart."
"I don't think so."
"It would. You are his wife, he loves you. And I am his closest friend. There can be no greater betrayal than that."
"Our relationship is not as perfect as it appears. I do not think he loves me. Not like this, not like us."
Janeway had smiled weakly. Nothing could ever be like them. And in spite of herself Janeway had felt her hope rise briefly, briefly. Part of her had burned to hear that Seven had never loved him, that he had never loved her but what use would it serve? Only to make her feel more the fool for saying no to her almost four years ago.
"He hates my Borgness." Kathryn had heard Seven say, "He tries to hide it – he's not even aware of it most of the time but it's true. He dismisses it, ignores it, belittles it. You don't. You accept it, you even like what it's given me and it's a part of who I am. Inseparable. I can no more stop being Borg than I can stop being human. Believe me, I have tried."
Did she really want to be hearing this? She'd stood immobile, her eyes on the world outside, the soft pleading voice of her lover in her ear.
"I love Chakotay but not like this. I was flattered, I was naive. I was hurting and he was so kind, so endlessly patient with all that I did not know or understand. He enjoyed teaching me but I was his project, not his equal."
"You are being hard on him."
"No, I'm not. I've been with him for three years now. I have had time to analyse and understand."
"It doesn't change anything, you know." Janeway had said quietly. "As much as I wish it did, it doesn't."
"Why?" Seven cried, the agitation rising. "Why are you being like this?"
"Because, Seven!" she said, "Because I have responsibilities to this crew. I'm not free to choose you!"
"That is incorrect. You choose not to be free. Remember it is not a Starfleet regulation that stops us from being together, it's only a recommendation and you deny yourself what we have because of what? A marriage that is over anyway?"
"I do not choose this lightly, Seven. And it's not as simple as you make it sound."
"Why not, Kathryn? Why must everything be so complicated?" The anguish had been clear in her voice, she'd risen and moved into Janeway's space, taking her hand and clutching it to her heart that beat wildly under the cream skin of her breast. "Why can't it just be simple?" She demanded. Tears spilled from her lashes, tracing the hurt and pain on her face, falling from her chin onto their joint hands. Their eyes were locked and Janeway wanted to give in so badly it hurt. She tried to move away to extract her hand but Seven held on tighter.
"I love you Kathryn."
Janeway had gone still. How she'd longed to hear those words, longed to be able to say them in return.
"Don't." She'd whispered and pulled away.
"Why are you doing this?" Seven had begged, "Why when I won't even be with him after tonight?"
"I can't."
Seven had looked at her, uncomprehending. Those blue, tear smudged, crystalline eyes swam in Janeways vision. Oh god. She was about to loose her, she could see no other way.
"Don't you see, Seven? We are lost in the delta quadrant. We are isolated from support and we have thousands of light years to go. Chakotay is not just my friend, he is also my First Officer and if we do this to him, it will break him. More than that it would destroy his trust in me as his captain and the crew's trust along with it. It would destroy their faith in me." Janeway had felt the tugging on her lips, knew she was so close to loosing it and knew that she could not. "Without that we are dead out here. How can they follow my command when I have proven myself unworthy of being followed? How can they be sure that what I do thereafter is good and honourable, the very thing upon which we have created meaning out here where nothing makes sense? And that is the truth of it. That is why I make this choice." She'd finished in choked whisper.
Seven stood there. Janeway could see realisation dawn. She saw those eyes close off from her, the curtains draw, the subtle sway as the body moved back, pulling out of her space. She turned away.
"You are wrong." She said after a while. "You tell me to be brave, to pursue my humanity, to have the courage to open myself to emotion, life, love. You tell me that it is these things which define us and it is these things that make life worth living. And yet you deny these very things to yourself by martyring yourself to your captaincy. You are not brave, you are not courageous."
The words had stung long after Seven had left, the doors closing with a hiss. She felt terribly, yawningly alone.
They had not seen each other since. She had resumed her duties at 08:00 three days later and they departed orbit 30 minutes later.
