Dedicated to: MegFallow. An overall awesome reviewer and one of the first to read my stories….and the absolute first to review. Muah to Meg.
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, guys! You sure know how to make a girl feel special. ;) Soooo….this was a difficult decision, but I came to a conclusion that the funniest review was from Miss. MegFallow. Here it is:
LMAO!
Seras is so funny! She misses her boobies very much it seems! But on
the other hand she gets to saftely touch Alucard's wet naked body
without getting into trouble. INSERT EVIL VILLIANESS LAUGHTER
IN HERE I wonder if she felt bold enough to touch his "you
know what" down below the equator... Very sexually
ennuendo-ed chapter. Keep up the good work!
I'll try…I'll try.
Chapter 8:
Alucard gently rocked back and forth, holding his knees to his chest, while staring at the blank television screen. His eyes were wide and frantic looking. He had been sitting like this for the past two hours and despite his usual burst of oddity, the other people present in Hellsing Manor could not help but feel concerned. Especially, Mounsieur Pip who was very much into this 'damsel in distress' thing.
"Seras," a gentle French voice asked. Rather than calm the terrified vampire it seemed to send her into further fits of frenzy.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs. Pip took off running, his braid flying out behind.
'Seras' returned to her position on the couch and continued rocking back and forth.
שּﭏשּ
Meanwhile, the real Seras was dancing around to a song known as 'Barbie Girl'. Unfortunately for Alucard, she didn't hear the knock on the door as Walter entered to give her a Blood-Sicle ™.
Needless to say, both parties were incredibly embarrassed.
"Excuse me, Seras," Walter stammered.
Seras said nothing but her face resembled a lobster after being boiled. (A/N: Cause EVERYone says tomato.) Walter, without further ado, left the room. Seras promptly collapsed into Alucard's conveniently open coffin. It would be, after all she was the one who opened it.
"Why am I such a loser?" she pondered aloud. Because you are currently trapped in your Master's MALE body, came the answering thought. A masculine groan escaped her lips.
שּﭏשּ
Poor Alucard was not having a very good time. Whenever he saw the long-haired French pig he had to concentrate very hard to stop himself from screaming and running away. Pip was not enjoying this much, either. All he wanted to do was flirt with the pretty lady blood-sucker, but she seemed to be terrified.
"Don't look at me!" squealed Alucard as Pip casually glanced at him. Pip's gaze was immediately drawn to his shoelaces. Despite his disliking for the man, Alucard couldn't help but feel a tad sorry. (A/N: This is gonna be bad…I can smell it.)
"What have I done to you?" asked the desolate captain.
"Er….well…..nothing really I guess…..," Alucard muttered. How was he supposed to say 'Sorry, Pip. I'm not gay and I had a VERY disturbing dream last night….' The man would think he was insane. After all, how could a woman be gay? And in what way was the dream 'disturbing'???? If there ever was an excuse for shifty eyes that question would be one.
"Can I make up my not doing anyzing to you?" asked the mercenary, hope springing into his eyes.
Alucard desperately wanted to scream 'NO' and jump out of the nearby window, but this seemed unnecessarily cruel and painful….for himself, that was, they WERE on the fifth floor, after all. But Alucard also knew that his fledgling seemed to like this man. Why was beyond him, but she did. He supposed he could do her a favor…just this once.
"Er……I guess so." Despite the unenthusiastic reply, Pip nearly burst with joy.
"Really?!?! I have waited so long for zis day!!!
Alucard looked frightened. "What…do you want to do?" he stammered hoping it wasn't something sexual.
The Frenchman beamed and grabbed his hand. "Let's go to ze movies!!!"
The disturbed vampire looked very confused. "We HAVE movies???? When did this happen?"
Pip waved his hand dismissively. "Integra said ve could go to ze movie zeater zat is 30 minutes from here."
"…You already asked her about this before hearing my answer?" asked Alucard, liking his decision less every second.
"Oh, no, no. I asked her quite a vhile ago because I knew zat you would fall for my manly charms eventually," he grinned.
Alucard once again considered jumping out of the window. He ended up just swallowing instead. "So…when do we go?" he choked out.
Pip smiled the most creepy, "endearing", smile Alucard had ever seen in his life. And that's saying something coming from the Master of Creepy Smiles. (A/N: Yes, that's an actual title…shifty eyes….in MY world, anyway.) "How about…right now?"
Alucard looked frantic. "Now…but….but...," he cast his thoughts about furiously trying to think of some reason to not go, "I have to fix my hair!" he cried out. Inwardly, he winced. I sound like SUCH an idiot…, he thought.
Pip laughed. "Fix zour hair? Why? It's perfect."
Alucard laughed nervously. "Well….alright then," he said reluctantly.
Without waiting for another word, Pip strode out of the room dragging Alucard behind. "I'm going out!" he yelled as he passed by Integra's office. Within two minutes the unlikely couple was on the Hellsing Manor's front lawn climbing into a taxi.
What have I gotten myself into? Alucard thought desperately as the taxi rolled away. Thankfully Pip tried nothing in the car and Alucard managed to almost forget that the French Pig was even there….almost.
When the couple FINALLY reached the movie theater, Alucard was a little more than disgusted. Pip had used some of the oddest pick up lines ever.
Pip: Your eyes are like microvaves and I am butter. You turn zem on high and I melt.
Alucard: …erm…
(A/N: Not kidding. I actually have heard this pick up line before. It was the strangest thing EVER…)
The two entered the theater and bought tickets without saying anything to one another. After a short jaunt to the actual theater Pip whispered. "I am zo glad you picked a horror movie…If you get scared I vill make it all better." His eyes glinted in a way that made Alucard more scared than a horror movie ever could.
(A/N: Ladedadeda…..time skip…time skip….)
A loud scream burst from the theater where the movie "Psycho"was playing. The movie theater staff figured that someone had gotten scared. Hey, it was a horror movie, right? MegFallow knew better, though. She raised her head and narrowed her eyes. She sniffed the air and murmured to herself, "It seems that a gender-confused vampire has just been hit upon by a feminine appearing mercenary!!!" A mother passing by gripped her child's hand a little tighter and walked by a little faster.
Shortly after this incident, Alucard burst out of the theater and began running as fast as his legs could carry him out the front door. MegFallow looked a little wind-blown, as Alucard had blazed right past her, but satisfied as well. "I was right!" she announced to a shocked elderly couple. Pip paused for a second to give her an odd look before continuing to chase his prey….erm, victim…I mean…lover! (A/N: Don't you love me? I know MegFallow does.)
About five minutes later, Alucard broke down the doors of Hellsing Manor and proceeded to run all the way to his room while screaming a single word. "MOMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!"
Unfortunately for him, he had forgotten that he was no longer Alucard. Seras stared at him with wide eyes. "Erm….you alright there?"
Alucard just stared at her. For a while he seemed to be thinking "What the hell are you doing in my coffin?" but he shortly remember his current predicament.
Meanwhile, Seras was giving the strangest expression she could conjure. This had to be the craziest vampire she had EVER met…not that she had met many. "Alucard?...Alucard?……ALUCARD!" she burst out after a while, growing tired of his confusion.
Alucard jerked his head back slightly. "Sorry…."
Seras merely continued looking at him oddly. "What happened?" she asked, not quite sure that she wanted to hear the answer.
Alucard trembled, "Well…….I……went on a date with Pip," he muttered quickly to his shoes.
Seras looked confused, "You what?"
Alucard repeated the sentence in the same fashion only this time his face was bright red as well.
"Speak so I can hear you," snapped Seras, annoyed.
The 'gender-confused' vampire took a deep breath. "I was on a date with Pip and he……," words seemed to fail him so he settled for a shudder instead.
Seras' eyes went wide. "YOU went on a DATE???? With PIP????"
"Yes," said Alucard, irritated by her disbelieving and amused tone of voice.
Seras giggled. "A date???" She giggled some more. "You do realize that just because you LOOK like a super sexy girl doesn't actually make you one?"
Alucard stared at her for a moment. "Well I never implied I was super sexy…after all, what kind of a fool would think that while I'm in THIS body?"
Seras scowled. "Why did you go on a date?"
Alucard sighed, exasperated. "You want the truth? Fine. I went on a date because I was trying to do something nice for you."
Seras blinked. "…..I don't get it."
Alucard threw his hands in the hair. "Typical blonde," he muttered and stalked off.
Seras blinked again. "……Hey!"
שּﭏשּ
Sir Integra glanced at the file and sighed deeply. Slowly, she removed her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. This was getting out of hand. She could no longer stop using her vampires. The men alone could not stop all the ghoul and vampire attacks and she had just received a report that said that Iscariot was up to something. The last thing she needed right now was for that Father Anderson to get up to his usual tricks while both of her vampires were out of commission. She had no choice. She had to use them, despite their current condition.
"ALUCARD! SERAS!" she yelled. A few seconds later both of the bloodsuckers appeared in her office. "I have bad news," she began.
"I'm not stupid, Alucard," snapped Seras suddenly glowering at herself. If the situation wasn't so dire Integra would have laughed at the oddness of it all.
"Quiet," she said briskly, "Now as I said, I have bad news. Iscariot is planning something once again and you know Father Anderson will be out and about."
Neither vampire moved, just watched her with their cold, undead eyes. Integra hated those eyes. Despite looking into Alucard's for most of her life, she never got over the timelessness, the wisdom, and the pain that were always shadowed in them. Looking into the murky red depths always took her breath away. Even when they were smiling the eyes stayed sad. She doubted that they knew it, but the eyes of the vampires reflected the pain and sadness of their long, eternal lives. Yet they were beautiful in a way Integra could never describe. (A/N: I had a sentimental moment. But don't worry. I'm better now. )
"I need you two to go out to Rosewood. There is a rouge vampire wrecking havoc upon the town and I am almost certain Anderson will be arriving there. Keep in mind that if he does appear Seras will have to fight him. Iscariot must not know that your bodies have been switched. Understand?"
At the mention of fighting Anderson, Seras' usually pale complexion went even paler. For a moment Alucard feared that she would pass out. Despite his fear she stayed upright and mumbled "Yes" when Integra requested it.
"Alucard?" Integra asked, glancing at him, "Do you understand that if Anderson is to be fought you must not participate?"
Alucard frowned, unhappy about this but he nodded anyway.
"Good," announced Integra, "Then if you two will excuse me, I have work to do."
Both vampires turned and left to prepare for the fight with Father Anderson.
A/N: Hope you liked it! I was just feeling more serious towards the end. Not my usual happy-go-lucky self. Though, I do suffer from a condition widely known as E-M-O.
Either way, Anderson will finally be appearing in the next chapter. Also, I mean absolutely NO harm to blondes. One of my best friends is a blonde and she is a genius….I just couldn't think of anything to say. Remember, funniest reviewer gets the chapter dedicated to them and a small role in it! Sorry, Tuisto. Maybe you'll win next time. Let the bloodbath begin. Until next time.
