A/N: A nice long chapter to balance out the painfully short one. I was going to cut it up into two chapters, but figured it would flow better this way. Let me know what you think and if the story needs anything. Suggest anything you like. Thanks!
Chapter Nine
I don't know why I felt so compelled to talk to my dad about the breakup. Usually he was the last person I'd talk to about something like that, but I'd realized with a bit of surprise that Edward had taken over my entire social life outside of Alice, and that was probably doing so well because the two of them lived in the same house. If I went over, I'd see her, and of course we shared classes. But the biggest part that got to me was discovering that, now that he was out of my thoughts, I hadn't spent any real time with Charlie for a long time. We'd never been extremely close, but we each knew where the other one stood and trusted each other maybe more than most teenagers. He wasn't bad at giving advice when he wanted to.
He got home at his normal time and I had dinner waiting. He was in a particularly good mood so I plunged.
"Dad, what was your first breakup like?"
His paused mid bite for a moment, trying to decide if he should answer or close his open mouth around the chunk of rice. I could tell it was a real dilemma for him which made me want to laugh. He set down his fork and leaned back in his chair.
"Did that boy break up with you?" I couldn't tell if it was real hope on his face or if he was trying to tease me. He knew Edward's name over a year now but still insisted on 'boy' or 'kid'. Something I found amusing now but annoyed me before.
"No, I did."
He nodded, seeming to approve. "I was about your age. High school."
"Was it mom?"
"No, but we were friends then. We started dating a week or so after another girl dumped me."
"Wow, a whole week?" I laughed.
He shrugged. "It was hight school."
"Right... So how did she do it?"
"She had one of her friends tell me. Couldn't do it herself."
Ouch. Maybe my method wasn't so bad after all.
"Were you okay though? I mean, I know you moved on quickly but, really how badly did it hurt?"
"Oh, it stung pretty bad for a while, even while I was dating Renee, but they say time heals all. I hadn't thought about her, the other girl, for years. I think her name was Melinda... Matilda... something like that."
I nodded. "Can I ask why it didn't work out?"
"Like I said, it was high school. It's the time for mistakes. To find out what kind of person you want to be with, but it's definitely not a time to settle down..." he trailed off, probably thinking of how things didn't work out with Mom. "Sometimes two people just don't click, you know?"
"I do."
I admit I was feeling a little guilty about Edward. I hadn't exactly ended things well. I'd run away and then hid from him. He'd left messages that I hadn't returned. I had to talk with him eventually, so he could start moving on. It was selfish of me to delay that for him, and probably pretty painful. But surely he'd been dumped before, he could handle it... couldn't he? I liked what my dad had said about it just being high school. I might not have been a vampire, but I knew that my life had really just started. I was about to graduate. Who knew what I'd become or where I might go? In my own way I had forever. Thinking of all the possibilities without Edward to add in to the equation made me relax and at the same time get excited in a way I had forgotten. Maybe in a few years Edward would be trying to recall our relationship:
"I think her name was Stella... or something like that."
I probably would never forget him because, after all, he was the first vampire I'd met, but I knew the memories themselves would fade. Somehow I could predict I wouldn't be too disappointed. We finished our meal and talked a little more. It was great to just spend an evening at home not solely dedicated to homework. Most days I was with Edward, and a lot of nights too. Maybe I'd finally get to catch up on some sleep, or reading. God, I hadn't read for pleasure in months. My hobby had become shopping with Alice, and though it was always fun, I did miss curling up with a good book. I could think of a few I hadn't read more than four times and after cleaning up the kitchen and Charlie had settled down with a game to watch, I went up to my room.
I was beginning to grow happier. It had only been a day and already I felt the weight lifting off my shoulders. I felt proud, independent, strong. I knew what I'd needed and I made sure it happened. Edward loved me enough to see that it was for the best, surely. I buoyantly headed up the stairs and into my room, moving straight for the bookshelf. I'd been so into all those tragic romances, where everyone ends up with the wrong person for money or security, or because they couldn't do any better. Or worse, they ended up dead. Romeo and Juliet supposedly fell in love after two seconds of seeing each other, getting married the next day or something. That's realistic. Heathcliff was just a spiteful, insecure prick, not to mention Mr. Darcey. I glared at Gone with the Wind and the other books I used to treasure. Now I wanted some adventure, some mystery. One where the protagonist didn't need anyone but themselves to live a fulfilling life. My fingers lingered from book to book for a moment before pulling out one I'd bought years ago but had never read. Some ridiculous science fiction book set in the future with teleports and aliens, mad scientists and, to my relief, no vampires. It looked fun enough, so I pulled it down and went to go sit on my bed, only to find the window open. Further examination told me that the lock had been forced. Damn. The thing probably wouldn't even shut now.
"Hey, Alice," I greeted her, not even bothering to look for her vague shadow. She was probably just bringing me another little article of clothing. "You could have waited till I got up here or, I don't know, used the door. But you probably heard us having dinner. Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long. How's Edward been doing by the way?"
"He's been better," came a whisper that definitely didn't belong to Alice. I spun around to find Edward leaning, arms crossed, against my book shelf. He'd been right there and I hadn't even noticed. I admit it freaked me out a little. It reminded me of the first time I caught him watching me sleep. The room seemed to get colder and I found myself at a loss for words. The next minute passed with me using just about as much air as he was. Not a lot. He jerked himself away smoothly from the shelf and looked me up and down the way a jealous girl might look at a super model-which felt very strange for me. He stopped about a foot away from me, eyes colorless in the dark. I wanted to reach for my lamp but realized that I didn't really want to see him clearly right now. Maybe it was better that way. Sometimes things were better left in the dark.
"Sorry to disappoint you." He meant about me thinking he'd been Alice. At least his voice was calm. I honestly had no idea what to expect. I found myself wishing not for the first time that I had her gift of foresight.
"I came to ask if you'd sign my yearbook." He held up the glossy cover which had a picture of Forks High on it. Go Spartans! When my hands would not accept the heavy volume, he let it drop to his side. "You could put something memorable like 'I'm sorry it didn't work out' or 'let's still be friends." He was really hurt. I should have said something, I should have known what to do.
"How about," His tone grew more sarcastic still as he made an exaggerated writing motion with his hand, the invisible pen clutched hard between his fingers. "Thanks for not eating me, Cullen. How about pissing off now?"
"Edward..." Was that even a whisper?
"Bella." His head tilted to the side expectantly. There was about as much warmth in his voice as there was in his skin. I inhaled deeply, realizing how little I'd been breathing, trying to exhale as unnoticeably as possible. Apparently he still noticed.
"You know your scent used to be so intriguing to me, so incredibly sacred. But now that you obviously don't find me attractive, it's only tantalizing. Tempting, but not dangerously so." Well that was good.
"Without that danger, the risk of losing something I love, and that loves me, it's really quite..." he shrugged. "Boring."
Maybe not so good after all.
He was working something out in his head, calculating. He moved closer. My legs were pressed against the edge of the bed already, so I didn't move.
"Like a regular, dull," he stepped closer still. "Normal... average..." I found that I couldn't look away from him. His hand lifted and set down the yearbook on my nightstand. "Hunt."
Did he just say hunt? No, of course not. That was ridiculous. Runt. A regular, average runt.
Our fronts were touching, I couldn't help my rapid heartbeat.
Yeah. He definitely didn't say runt. My lame attempt at blocking out his words failed, I did the first thing I could think of that involved action without running away. Squeezing my eyes shut I flung my arms around his torso and hugged him. An equally lame attempt it seemed. He pushed me away from him with a sigh of disgust, sending me among the blankets of my unmade bed. I sat up quickly but he'd swerved around me, holding on from behind, his back resting against the broken window. He held me locked like that for a minute before continuing.
"You know, long before I met you, I used to kill humans. I'd read their thoughts and find out if they were good people or not. The good ones I never laid a finger on. The bad ones weren't so lucky." His grip wasn't painful. I could probably even wiggle out of it if I needed to. It was a strong suggestion for me to stay put. Still, it intimidated me.
"What do you think it means that I can't read your thoughts at all?"
I wish you could, I though. It probably would have made things easier from the beginning.
"Hm? What could that possibly mean?"
I could only shrug, my voice still refusing to work properly.
"At first I thought it was so we could trust each other equally. That I couldn't read your thoughts because we were meant to be together. It contributed to my fascination with you. I liked the idea of having a quiet refuge in another person. But after a while it became... difficult."
His head was resting on my shoulder, words spoken to my back. "So what does that make you, Bella? After all my frustration with not being able to understand, my struggle with trying to keep up with your radical moods. Your refusal of a life of comfort and love, protection. Who is to blame here?"
Maybe he was gripping a little harder now. I wondered if he even realized.
"Isabella," he said more loudly, the way one of my parents might yell at me if I slipped up as a child. "What does that make you? Good or bad?"
"It's..." I tried. I felt my pulse in my forehead, my hands were sweaty. "It's not always so black and white. Some-sometimes there are grey areas. People aren't just all good or bad."
"You seem to think differently about me." His voice was in my ear again. My arms were beginning to tingle.
"No-"
"And also: what is it about me that warded you off so quickly? Am I not attractive enough? Not smart enough? What is it about me that isn't good enough for you?" He shook me on the word 'good' and again I found myself fumbling with words.
"Nothing. It's not like that. We're just too different. We're not..."
"We're not what?"
"We don't click!" Repeating my father's words shot me back to our conversation, which made me realize that Charlie was just downstairs. He was no match for Edward, but he'd be long gone before Charlie reached my room. Edward might try to scare me, but he wouldn't mess with the chief of police. I shoved his arms aside, a little surprised when he didn't simply hold onto me. He was never going to hurt me. I knew that, but it was hard not to get a little worried. I stood and straightened my clothes. Edward remained slumped on my bed like the heap of blankets.
"I'm am sorry we didn't work out, Edward. I did love you. I will never regret meeting you. But we tried our best and it didn't work."
"It is working! We can still fix it. We just need to work harder."
"It's not about working more or harder. At this point it's like trying to fix a-" I couldn't think of anything and the broken window was right in front of me. Lame analogy, but it would get the point across. "a broken window. You can't repair it if you didn't have all the pieces to begin with.... Do you see what I mean? We fell in love for the wrong reasons."
"Perhaps you did-"
"Why do you love me then? How did you fall in love with me?"
He hesitated. "Because you were beautiful..." his expression changed and he moved off of the bed and stood next to me. "Are beautiful."
"You fell in love with me because of my scent and that I was the only person, vampire or otherwise, whose mind you couldn't read."
"That's not true."
"It is true. You know it's true, Edward. You practically just said it yourself." I could feel a migraine coming on. "You were interested in me until not being able to read my thoughts became inconvenient. 'Difficult' is the word you used."
"I didn't-"
"You liked the thrill of forbidden love. I'll admit it, so did I. But after a while it just gets down to personality types and ours don't match."
He studied me for a second. He seemed to get that I wasn't afraid of him, that I never really had been. He was all bluster when it came down to it. Still, he persisted.
"I can change."
I tried not to, but I scoffed.
"People don't change, Edward. I waited too long hoping I was wrong, but I'm clearly not."
"I just need help then." He took my hand and drew me closer to him, wrapping his arms around me. "I know if we get married we'll be able to work together, fix things."
"Marriage isn't some magic fix-all. In fact, quite the opposite. If we can't live with each other now, then there's no way we'll make it as a married couple." He clearly didn't hear me. Just held me more tightly.
"You could come and live with us, with your family. Or we could travel." He was stroking my hair. It felt like he was trying to cling on to the last shreds of us. I felt bad brandishing the scissors that were doing the shredding. But I knew I'd feel even worse if I didn't suck it up and end it.
"Edward," I pulled away from him gently. I looked him in the eye. I couldn't quite read his expression, but it was still somewhere between anger and denial, with a deep sadness behind it. "I can't change you, and you can't make me love you. And we shouldn't have to try. Edward, you deserve someone better, someone less sensitive than me maybe. You-"
"You deserve the world. I just want to give you everything, keep you safe..."
"I know. And you've already given me so much. You've protected me from some really dangerous situations. You'll always be dear to me for that..."
"But you do not love me." He nodded. Was he finally getting it?
Just then my father called up. "Bells? Is someone with you?" I glanced at Edward. His words seemed to have a double meaning I knew Edward would understand. I answered them both simultaneously.
"No."
We heard footsteps on the stairs. His last embrace was quick but worthwhile. Our final kiss made me remember all the good times we'd spent together instead of the bad. I kissed him back, knowing he knew it was for the last time. And with a final crooked smile from the vampire who was my first love, he was gone.
I realized, after all that, I was still holding the damn sci-fi novel I'd wanted to read. I stifled a laugh that quickly turned into a sob. I hadn't wanted to do that. I never knew breaking up with someone would be so hard. I knew I was 'out of love' with him, but I did still care for him. He knew that, I thought. I hoped. The last thing I wanted was him thinking I hated him.
I'd wanted so badly to be in love with Edward Cullen. But now that he was gone-I'd later find out that he left that same night without word of where he was going-I realized it had been like he'd never existed at all. Like that year of him added up to nothing but waisted air. But I knew I was better for it. I'd learned a little more about myself and the type of person I wanted to be with. I learned that just because I was human I was not necessarily weak. I could handle myself even if I couldn't run great distances or read minds. I was still good. I could still find someone I clicked with, who'd love me even more than Edward's well meaning heart. I knew this. I was ready to move forward into a new chapter of my life. I glanced at the tragic romance novels on my shelf.
Maybe a new genre.
A/N: Please review!!
