A/N: I really do apologize for how long updates are taking these days. It seems to be getting even harder to find time to write, and the frustrating part is that I can't seem to get a good flow going in such short, infrequent increments, so then I end up not liking what I've written, and I redo it, and I just get more and more aggravated. Argh! Hopefully, my schedule will improve. In the meantime, thank you very much to everyone who has continued to review this story! Your support is the biggest thing keeping me going, so please know that it's deeply appreciated. Thank you also to my wonderful beta reader, BK2U, who has been patient with my self-doubt in the last two chapters. :-)
Chapter 9: Tobias – Expectations
As a general rule, Tobias isn't fond of double dates. They're awkward at best, with an occasional shift into bizarre competitions – strange attempts to show that this pair is the better couple or this man is tougher or this woman is sexier. But he makes an exception when Zeke and Shauna invite them out to dinner.
They pick a restaurant that Tobias has never been to, though it seems like Tris has, judging by the familiar way she navigates the crowded waiting area to check in – and to see if their friends have arrived.
"They're not here yet," Tobias tells her, his extra height making it easier for him to determine that. It's no surprise, anyway, since their reservation isn't for another twenty minutes.
Tris nods, but she continues looking around, biting her lip the way she always does when she's agitated. "I didn't realize we were eating here," she finally mutters. At Tobias' look, she attempts a half smile. "I haven't been here in years."
"Bad associations?" Switching restaurants would be difficult at this hour on a Friday night, and Zeke would be all kinds of annoyed, but if his girlfriend is uncomfortable, he'll do it anyway.
Tris' eyes move to his. "Mixed, I guess." She glances around again. "Al and I used to come here a lot." Now it's Tobias' turn to nod, as he abruptly understands who she's looking for.
Instinctively, he wraps his arms around her, pulling her close so her back presses against his chest. He doesn't like picturing her with the man who proposed to her, even if she did turn him down. "Do you think he'll be here tonight?"
"I don't know." She leans further into him, her scent providing the perfect complement to the enchanting smells coming from the kitchen. "This was his favorite place even before we met, so it's possible."
"Is it a problem if he shows up?" Tobias' arms tighten, forming an iron cage of protection around her, though he's not sure exactly what he's guarding against.
"Not really." She bites her lip again, belying her statement. "It's just…." She tilts her head to look up at him. "I wouldn't want to throw you in his face, you know? I'm the one who dumped him." She picks at something on her dress. "And I might have sort of used you as an excuse when I did."
Tobias raises an eyebrow, though she can't see it, since she's looking down. "In what way?"
"Ummm." Despite the angle, he can see the flush rising up her cheeks. "As in, 'I can't marry you because I never really got over someone else.'" She says it quickly, but it draws a smirk out of Tobias anyway.
He leans down, his voice a low whisper in her ear. "Well, for what it's worth, I never got over you, either. If you'd rather go someplace else, we can."
Tris considers that for a moment before shaking her head. "No, it would be impossible to find anywhere good at this point without an hour wait. He probably won't come, and even if he does, it's been four years. I'm sure he's moved on."
Personally, Tobias doubts that's possible, but that might just be him. "If you're sure," he says instead.
She nods, and for a few minutes, they wait quietly, his arms still around her as they sway gently back and forth. But he can tell that she's watching the door, ready to move away from him if her ex enters.
"Have I told you recently how beautiful you are?" he murmurs, wanting to draw her focus back to himself. The instinct is perhaps a bit primitive, but he can't help it, given the way his body is starting to react to her warmth pressed against him, and to the way she feels in his arms, and to the fragrance that continues to fill him.
She lifts her head again to look up at him. "I don't think you can even see me from there, Tobias."
A chuckle vibrates through him, because from his height, and with the way she's angled, he actually has an excellent view, at least of certain areas. "I can see some of my favorite parts," he whispers, trying to keep the words for her alone. "And trust me, they're gorgeous."
A smile graces her mouth as she deliberately leans back a bit more, managing to make the view even better. "Is that so?" she murmurs, her voice unusually sultry. "I picked the dress especially for you."
It's a challenge not to groan in response, or to do other things that are utterly inappropriate for a public place. But he makes himself go in a different direction.
Placing a finger over her lips, as he's taken to doing whenever he says these particular words, he murmurs, "I love you, Tris." She seems like she wants to respond, the way she often does, but he presses his finger in place to prevent her. There is absolutely nothing in the world he would rather hear than that message from her, but not as a reply. He doesn't want her to say it until she's sure enough to state it on her own.
Instead, he kisses her lightly on the head, smiling at the way she melts into him as he pulls her close again. For now, this is more than enough.
"All right, all right." Zeke's animated voice cuts through Tris and Shauna's laughter. "We get it. Women are more flexible than men."
"And don't you forget it!" Shauna calls, raising her glass in a toast to Tris, who tries to return the gesture through her paroxysms of glee.
"Like I could," Tobias grumbles. "That image is now permanently seared into my brain, thank you very much."
"Look at it this way," Zeke quips back, winking at Tobias, "it'll be a great story to tell at their next big event." He grins mischievously at Tris. "You know, your birthday party, or job promotion, or bridal shower…." His eyes flick between her and Tobias, obviously fishing for hints on how likely that is.
Tobias is careful not to respond, unsure how Tris would take anything he might say. He's already expressed his desires, but she's definitely not interested yet, and she might not appreciate a public discussion of that subject.
He should have known better. Tris doesn't miss a beat before responding, "We're getting married tomorrow." Her voice is completely deadpan. "Didn't you get the invitation?"
At Zeke's smirk, Tobias chimes in. "Seriously, we mailed it weeks ago. I thought you were coming."
Zeke rolls his eyes, not bothering to respond. His wife, though, speaks up. "No, we decided to skip it, the same way you did with ours."
It's a bit of a low blow, and Tobias feels the humor drain from him as Zeke adds, "Oh, but that wasn't important, Shauna. I mean, he was just supposed to be my other best man, that's all."
An undeniable squirm of guilt is twisting through Tobias now. He's spent so much time thinking about how much his departure hurt Tris that he sometimes forgets it affected other people, too. "Yeah," he mutters, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I'm…uh…sorry about that." The words are way beyond lame, but he doesn't have anything else to offer.
Shauna and Zeke exchange a glance before letting their mouths twitch upwards again. "Hmm, what do you think, Shauna?" Zeke asks his wife. "Since he's sorry and all, should we give him another chance?"
She purses her lips in mock thought. "I guess we could consider that…since we happen to have an occasion to celebrate today." It's not until she wheels back from the table a bit, resting her hands pointedly on her abdomen, that her meaning becomes clear.
"You're pregnant?" Tris asks, her tone somewhere between incredulity and excitement. Her friend nods, her face slowly breaking into a wide smile.
"I'm four months along."
Tobias seems to be rooted in place, so it's a good thing that Tris reacts strongly enough for both of them. Leaping up, she embraces Shauna enthusiastically, making some type of squealing sound that Tobias can honestly say he's never heard from her before. "That's wonderful," she exclaims, rocking back and forth with her friend as they continue to hug. "I know how much you've wanted this."
"It's been a long haul," Shauna confirms, her voice soft with emotion. "But the doctor said everything is looking really good." The comment makes Tobias close his eyes, feeling even more like a bad friend as he realizes that he knows nothing about the struggle they're hinting at.
That reality is only emphasized when he returns his gaze to Zeke. His friend is watching him almost warily. "We were going to announce it at the barbeque," he explains, "but it didn't seem right after…." There's no need to finish the sentence – Uriah's stupid game certainly killed the mood for the announcement. "Anyway, I know neither of you is big on kids, but we wanted you to know anyway." He flashes a smile. "And we fully expect free babysitting services."
The gibe draws a low chuckle from Tobias. "It's a deal," he agrees, extending his hand toward Zeke. He rarely initiates a handshake, given his general discomfort with being touched, but he's willing to make an exception for these circumstances. His buddy, however, just shakes his head before pulling him into a back-thumping hug instead. That's an even rarer gesture between them, but today, Tobias returns it.
It's not until Tris is back in her seat, still beaming at her friends, that the rest of Zeke's comment sinks in. As a teenager, Tobias always made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with kids. At that time, he was afraid that even being around them would somehow turn him into his father. But Tris never agreed with that stance. She wasn't in a rush to have children or anything like that, but she didn't shy away from having them someday. Apparently, that has changed.
He watches her for a moment, looking for an indication of the reasons why, but there's nothing revealing in her expression. Instead, she chats easily with Shauna, asking questions and encouraging her to divulge details that Tobias has no interest in hearing. He loves his friends, but not enough to willingly listen to stories about morning sickness and rashes and the joys of not having a period.
"You okay with this?" Zeke asks him softly, clearly studying him as much as he's observing Tris. But the truth is there's no reason for Zeke to worry. Years of therapy have changed Tobias' attitude toward children considerably.
"I'm fine," he mutters reassuringly. "I don't mind kids anymore." At his friend's raised eyebrow, he finds himself looking at Tris again. "I'd even consider having them someday. With the right woman."
It's a blatant statement of his attachment, and it's probably just as well that Tris and Shauna are too deep in conversation to hear it. But Zeke does, his expression thoughtful as he rests a hand on his friend's shoulder.
They stay like that for a long moment before Zeke's sly grin returns. "So, any time after tomorrow, then?"
"Indeed." The answer is truer than his friend probably realizes.
"Can I ask you a question, Tris?" Tobias' arms are wrapped loosely around her as they lie on his living room couch, both cats piled on top of them. She glances at him uncertainly, probably concerned by the wariness in his tone, but she nods. "Why don't you want children anymore?"
Her mouth sets in a line as she raises a challenging eyebrow. "Are you saying you do?" It's an obvious attempt to avoid a direct answer.
"Not necessarily." His fingers run lightly down her spine, trying to relax her. "But I'm not afraid of the idea anymore." The side of his mouth lifts. "And I can kind of see the appeal. A tiny person with your eyes…."
A small huff leaves her. "Some would argue that I'm already a tiny person with my eyes."
Tobias' chuckle rumbles through his chest, but his fingers shape around her chin, lifting it to face him. "That's not an answer, you know."
Her eyes move away as she sighs. "No, I suppose it's not." Absently, her fingers play with the buttons of his shirt. "It's not that I never want them – they just became a lot less appealing after my pregnancy scare."
There's silence for a moment while Tobias remembers the hard conversation that started their second chance. He doesn't have to ask who the scare arose with – it's obvious it was with the same man who gave her herpes. The same one Uriah said abused her. It's no wonder she was relieved not to be pregnant by him – and got turned off the notion of children by the experience.
"Just what did Peter do to you?" He tries to keep his tone gentle, but Tris stiffens anyway, sitting up and pulling away in a motion that displaces the cats. DC leaps to the floor, still a bit quick to leave whenever Tris startles him, but Marvel simply repositions himself as Tobias sits up, too.
For a second, Tris fixes him with something close to a glare. "Exactly what did Uriah tell you?"
An answer doesn't come at first, as Tobias weighs his words carefully. "Not enough," he finally says. "And too much."
With a long sigh, Tris closes her eyes, working just as hard to formulate a response. Tobias gives her time, not sure if it's good or bad that her face gradually hardens. When she opens her eyes again, he can't look away from the coldness in them.
"Yes, he hit me, as I'm sure Uriah told you. But like I said to him, it only happened once." Her expression defies him to contradict her. "The bigger problem was what happened before that." There's a deep level of bitterness in her tone. "There were warning signs that I should have recognized, particularly after everything you went through with Marcus. But frankly you had a lot of the same signs, and you never hurt me, so I didn't let them stop me." The words seem to be slowly solidifying Tobias' insides. "If anything, they kind of attracted me."
Her voice is brittle now. "He pressured me into having sex before I was ready. He didn't have a condom, and I tried to call it off, but he kept pushing and I didn't actually say no…. So, it wasn't technically rape." Technically? But he can't ask what she means through the enormous weight that's crushing his chest.
Tris begins twisting her hands. "And then I started having all these symptoms, and I was terrified that I might be pregnant. I didn't know what to do, or who to talk to, but I knew that I absolutely didn't want a baby then, particularly not under those circumstances." She wraps her arms around herself in an attempt at self-comfort, and Tobias reaches out instinctively – until her expression tells him to stop. "It took me two weeks to go to a clinic to get tested. And when I got the results, I didn't know whether to be relieved or even more furious."
Her voice is vibrating with that emotion. "I confronted him. About the herpes, and the pregnancy scare, and…everything." She takes a deep breath. "It did not go well." She doesn't offer more details, and Tobias doesn't ask, too lost in the murderous thoughts raging through him.
"Caleb helped me take care of the injuries afterwards, but he didn't know what else to do, so he called Uriah." She swallows. "And Uriah, being the big, dumb lunkhead that he is, took matters into his own hands and beat the crap out of Peter." There's an edge of disapproval to her tone, as if Uriah went too far – but it couldn't possibly have been enough. Not compared with how he would have ripped Peter into miniscule shreds.
He's still picturing that retaliation when Tris adds coldly, "Which was a problem because then I couldn't press charges, or he would have pressed them against Uriah."
Understanding slams into the images in his head, a car into a brick wall. He never even considered the possibility that Tris would have pressed charges, but of course she would have. Of course, she would have been strong enough – if Uriah hadn't robbed her of that chance at justice.
She sounds extraordinarily bitter when she mutters, "I've always wondered how many others Peter ended up hurting because of that."
For a very long moment, they're both quiet while Tobias absorbs the full depth of what Peter did – and while he finds a way to force his cyclone of fury into a controlled throb. Finally, he responds very softly. "I wonder that about Marcus, too." Tris' eyes snap to his. "He probably went on to other relationships. For all I know, he has more kids that he's hitting. Because I didn't stop him."
Tris shakes her head rapidly, looking stricken at the reaction she evoked. "He doesn't," she tells him quickly. "He still works with my dad, so I know that much. He hasn't gotten remarried or had kids." Her volume drops as she adds, "Though I don't know how much he dates."
A stiff nod is Tobias' only response at first, but then he finds his voice again. "I used to daydream about returning and pressing charges, but the statute of limitations passed before I built up the courage." He looks away, trying to push down his own bitterness. "So, I've officially let him get away with it."
Tris doesn't answer, and it takes another minute for Tobias to realize the other possible implications of what she said. His throat tightens as he forces words through it. "Is that part of why it's so hard to trust me? Because you think I might do something like that?"
She starts to shake her head but then stops, a sort of resignation forming on her face. "Not directly, but…for a long time, I wondered if that might be why you left. During the times that I thought it wasn't about me, or some other woman, it seemed like the most likely reason."
The speculation catches him off guard, and a denial rises to his lips automatically. But he doesn't utter it because it wouldn't be true. The reality is that he did use that argument with himself, over and over, whenever he needed to remember why Tris was better off with someone else.
Wearily, he nods. "There's some truth to that," he admits softly.
"What about now?" Tris asks. "Do you still worry about that?"
"Not the same way." He shakes his head, trying to reiterate the answer to himself as much as to her. "I wouldn't have come back if I did."
Tris nods slowly. "I've never worried that you would hit me, Tobias. And I still don't." Her gaze is solid on his. "But I do worry about that. About you doubting yourself and leaving again in some attempt to protect me." She bites her lip. "Am I wrong that you would?"
He can't answer for quite a while, wanting again to deny her charge. Instead, he finally shakes his head, just a little. "No, you're not." He swallows to clear the blockage from his throat. "But Tris, I swear it won't come to that." His gaze is determined. "I swear."
Her fingers trace his jaw as she contemplates that. "Then, I'll make a deal with you," she says, her expression unreadable. "We'll work on it together – I'll trust you as much as you trust yourself. Every step of the way."
They're not words that Tobias expected, and at first they send something like panic through him, since he never learned to fully trust himself, even after all his therapy. But the more he thinks about it, the more he knows that Tris is right. This is something they need to do together.
"Okay," he agrees softly, his eyes finding hers again. "But there's a second half to that." Her brow furrows. "We need to work on how you see yourself." Reaching out, he cradles her face gently in his hands. "I want you to love yourself as much as I love you. You deserve that."
The challenge hits her weakest spot, just as hers did for him, and he watches as her teeth worry her lip and her eyes fix on her lap in obvious doubt. But he can see her mind working, and he gives her the time to finish.
Minutes seem to pass – long enough that he thinks she's going to reject the proposal – before she finally nods. Her voice is very soft when she murmurs, "I guess we both have a lot to work on."
He knows it's true, but at the same time, he feels hope rooting deeply into him as he raises her face gently to his, letting their lips meet. This is the path to their future, and no matter how difficult it might be, he'll gladly take it with her.
A/N: I wish I could promise a quick turnaround for the next chapter, but I just can't. I'll do my best, though. In the meantime, please take a moment to review this chapter - I could definitely use the encouragement!
