After that one freak race that Wei technically won despite the heavy casualties, Jia Xu, again, checked his inbox to see any mails available that could possibly ruin his day…
To: Nuwa
Gakh! Ow! Owie! Tch, Fuck! You! Augh! Ouchie! Bitch please, you think that someone like ME could be possibly the product of incest?! Ow! Owowowowowow! You're only my great25 grandmother! So, ow! Get! Out! Of my! Life! Aigh!
Jia Xu
To: Nuwa
Well, knowing him, you only need to be a kinky person who doesn't mind her appearance too much to get him to like you. No, seriously, that's all. Now stop zapping me already!
Jia Xu
To: Nuwa
Thank you! Geez…what's your problem, anyway? I mean, it's only normal that not many people disrespect you, despite the fact that you're an all-powerful almighty goddess who bangs her own brother. Yikes.
Jia Xu
To: Nuwa
Well, NOW you know the true power of the mortals.
Jia Xu
To: Nuwa
Hmm…you know what, I'm kinda confused that you suddenly asked me how to get close to Li Dian, despite the fact that even his own lover Yue Jin fears him.
Jia Xu
To: Nuwa
Oh, no. Of course you won't bang him, seeing that he's, like, your great25 grandson. I see that THAT'S far more disgusting than banging your brother. No, I'm serious.
Jia Xu
To: Nuwa
Well, good fucking luck. But don't complain to me when you suddenly find yourself with insect legs when you wake up in the morning. Hohoho…
Jia Xu
To: Chosokabe Motochika
How in the hell someone could have possibly recorded that and uploaded it to Youtube?! Oh well, but really, I've only gotten BARELY better after that ship crash and now you expect me to race again?! Nope, I'd say!
Jia Xu
To: Chosokabe Motochika
No, no no no no NO! I'm not taking that chance! If you REALLY want to, wait for like another week, then I MIGHT be able to go race with you. Ugh, now I kinda have this very same trauma regarding ships as with Lord Cao Cao regarding fire. Seriously…
Jia Xu
To: Chosokabe Motochika
Sigh…okay, you said this is only between US, right?
Jia Xu
To: Chosokabe Motochika
Hm. Fine then, I'll go.
Jia Xu
To: Guo Jia
Hey, Fengxiao. You know what…I'd just like to say that, whenever I was being a jackass to you, I am very sorry, I hope you will forgive me.
Jia Xu
To: Guo Jia
Also, I'm sorry that I often pick on you for being lovers with Xun Yu. It's alright if you wanna turn gay, I don't mind. That means your pervert bloodline won't continue and taint this land.
Jia Xu
To: Guo Jia
Hm, you wanna know? I am challenged into another boat race again.
Jia Xu
To: Guo Jia
Yes, I know. Thank you for praying for my safety, though I know my chance of surviving is very slim. If I didn't survive, I hope you'll take care of my two sons. No, I won't allow you to teach them your wicked ways. I swear I'll kill you from beyond the grave if you EVER do that.
Jia Xu
To: Xun Yu
Hey, so how're you doin'? Umm…here, I just wanna say I'm very sorry for always picking on you for being gay with Guo Jia. But it's alright if you wanna continue that relationship. Really.
Jia Xu
To: Xun Yu
Gee, how do you know? Well, good for you for realizing it immediately. I only ask you for taking care of my two sons if that ever happens. Just don't do your crappy magic whenever they're in the same room as yours.
Jia Xu
To: Xun Yu
Yes, I asked Guo Jia to do the same. I hope that fact won't bug you. Good day.
Jia Xu
To: Sima Yi
Hey, you know what, I'm sorry for always being a prick to you. I hope you'll forgive me.
Jia Xu
To: Sima Yi
No, no! What makes you think of that?
Jia Xu
To: Sima Yi
Tch, goddamn rumors. Oh well, I'll better go. Take care.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Pi
Forgive me for always cursing at you. But that's because I can't stand such requests. I hope you understand.
Jia Xu
To: Yue Jin
I'm sorry for always calling you Li Dian's experimental bunny. I was just telling the truth.
Jia Xu
To: Li Dian
I'm sorry for insulting your mom. And doing a REALLY shitty 'Yo mama' joke that time.
Jia Xu
To: Zhang He
I'm sorry for always insulting you at your gayness.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
I'm sorry for causing that boat race to be a Chibi reenactment.
Jia Xu
To: Dian Wei
I'm sorry for killing you that last time.
Jia Xu
To: Xiahou Dun
I'm sorry for picking at you for only having one eye.
Jia Xu
To: Zhang Liao
I'm sorry for causing you to drink that wine. But hey, we won.
Jia Xu
To: Everyone else in Wei
I'm sorry for any mistakes I ever made to you guys. I am such a jackass that I can't list them one by one here.
Jia Xu
With his heart prepared, he went to the Wei capital Luoyang to meet the white-and-spiky-haired, eyepatched pirate Chosokabe Motochika. He became even more nervous when he remembered from Motochika's email that ALL characters from DW, SW, AND SB are watching their race on Youtube, however the fuck that is.
Motochika: Hey, there you are!
Jia Xu: Tch. Goddamn pirates…
Motochika: So, I guess this will be where I get to see some brilliant ship-steering skills of yours! If you're lucky, I might even recruit you to my crew! Haha!
Jia Xu: Hell no. What the hell would I want to do with a bunch of twinky twats like you?
Motochika: What?! How dare you to disrespect me?! I'M THE DEMON!
Jia Xu: Pfft. It's the goddamn truth. What else is fitting to describe you and the rest? Literally EVERYONE from your world are a bunch of gay twinks who couldn't even get a single pretty lady despite Capcom whoring the hell out of you. That's what you SB twats really are. And don't even try to fucking deny it.
Motochika: Gakh! How can he discover our secret- Umh, nevermind! Let's begin the race immediately! And, remember- the ENTIRE world is watching.
Jia Xu: More like the THREE entire worlds are watching. Oh well, there's no use arguing with a twinky twat like him.
And so Jia Xu and Motochika got on their respective boats.
Masamune (SW): holding a gun Okay! Today we gather at the grand boat race between the Wei strategist Jia Xu, and-
Masamune (SB): Now, now, what the hell is a kid doing here? I'm the man of this show! Step aside!
Masamune (SW): Wait, wha-?! That's utter bullshit! I'M the man here! I came first, so you have no right here!
Masamune (SB): Blah, blah, blah! Talking is just what a kid can do! Now, pulls out his six katanas How about a real fight? We'll see the real man here! Put ya guns on!
Masamune (SW): Tch…bitch, pulls out two guns I already have my guns on. starts shooting
Masamune (SB): Who! Whup! Oho! Not good enough! Eit! deflects every bullets
Motochika: What the, don't turn this place into a shooting arena! You'll riddle my ships with bullets! Aaaahhhh!
Jia Xu: Sigh….facepalm
Tadakatsu (SW): Wha-?! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!
Masamune (SW): Wha-?! Oh, no, sir! He started it first!
Masamune (SB): What? Bullshit! He started it first! He acted like he's the man of the show even though he isn't!
Masamune (SW): It was you!
Masamune (SB): You!
Masamune (SW): YOU!
Masamune (SB): YOU!
Tadakatsu (SW): Grah! THAT'S ENOUGH! YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE NOW, OR YOU'LL TASTE MY TONBO-GIRI!
Tadakatsu (SB): emerges from behind SW!Tadakatsu …..
Masamune (both of them): Uhhh…errhhh…YES! YES MASTER TADAKATSU! WE'RE VERY SORRY! IT'S OUR FAULT! WE WON'T DO IT AGAIN! bow, then run away
Tadakatsu (SB): …..
Tadakatsu (SW): Ha! That'll teach those kids! Really…turns around what has the world come to…I hope my girl Ina won't- bumps into SB!Tadakatsu Oof! What is this- looks upwards
Tadakatsu (SB): …
Tadakatsu (SW): Errhh…ummm…gulp I…I'm sorry! I didn't see you! Hehe…
Tadakatsu (SB): ….
Tadakatsu (SW): Um…yeah! I hope that big ol' chest plate of yours won't get rusty….wait, what do you mean it's not a chest plate? Oh well, whatever, have a nice day! runs away
Tadakatsu (SB): ….sweatdrop
Jia Xu: Okay, I guess the Author was being sidetracked at these SW and SB characters. Like, really, did any of those have ANY sort of relevance toward this fic? It seems more like padding than anything else. Are we going to start the race or not?
Yeah, yeah, just hold on! Geez, what's your problem? I'm the goddamn author. I can write anything I want! Just shut the fuck up.
Jia Xu: Pfffttt. Precisely the reason why I'm atheist.
Motochika: Hey, come on! Let's go!
Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah.
And so the two contestants hopped on their respective boats.
Magoichi (SW): Okay, then! Since my best bud Masamune isn't here, I will be his replacement for this race! Alongside this one pretty lady besides me…
Magoichi (SB): Ew! Now cut that crap out!
Magoichi (SW): Haha! Come on now, there's no need to be so shy! Gee, out of all pretty ladies in the entire world, who knows I get to hit on MYSELF! Haha!
Magoichi (SB): Seriously, you're creeping the hell outta me.
Magoichi (SW): Aw, come on! I was rejected by just about EVERYBODY, and now even MYSELF too! Huff…it's alright! Okay, on to the race!
Magoichi (SB): You said that just now? Pathetic.
Magoichi (SW): Oh, come on! Gimme a break! Okay, we will start the race! 3…2…1…GO! fires his shotgun
The moment the shot's fired, the two boats immediately sped up.
Jia Xu: Okay, now how in the hell shall I operate this thing...tch, there's too many buttons around! Goddamn Japanese…huh, this button is strangely colored bright red and is a lot larger than the rest. Ah, whatever, I'm tired of living anyway! presses button
Ship Announcer: Reverse Mode activated. Reverse Mode activated.
Jia Xu: W-wait, Reverse Mode? What?
And so Jia Xu's ship went reverse.
Motochika: Pffttt….AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god, HAHAHAHAHAHA! I've heard a lot of stories of Jia Xu being Wei's most brilliant strategist, even moreso than Sima Yi, but damn! I never knew he would actually fall for THAT! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA!
Jia Xu: W-wait, what the fuck?! Akh, I have to do something! Wait, there's this blue button! Maybe I can do this to go forward again! presses button
Ship Announcer: Nitro Mode activated. Nitro Mode activated.
Jia Xu: W-what?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
And so Jia Xu's ship went fucking apeshit, going nitro to speed everywhere. In reverse.
Jia Xu; G-GAAAAHHHH! Argh! I….have…to control this thing! Garkh! holds ship's steer Okay, okay, calm down, I NEED TO FUCKING CALM DOWN! ...huff, okay, now I really need to check where I am now. checks the ship GPS Wait, I'm in Linzi already?! Okay, I don't know whether I have to be happy or fucking frightened about this, but I guess I'll choose the latter! AAAAHHHHHHHH!
Motochika: ….w-wha?! Where did he go?! Shit, he must've chosen both the Reverse AND Nitro mode. This is bad. I have to catch up to him!
Jia Xu: Gaaaahhhh! Okay, okay, let's see what's behind…AAAAHHHH! IT'S THE GIANT BAOZI AGAIN?! crashes
Motochika: Oh! There he is! Haha, I truly have to commend myself for the brilliant idea of relocating that giant baozi here to help me win this! Haha!
Jia Xu: Jiaahhh….urgh…okay, I have to REALLY control the situation here. Hmph! speeds up
Motochika: Gah! He went away! Urgh, I must NOT lose! I have to retain my title as the Devil of the Seas!
Jia Xu: Huff…really, speeding up at the speed of light while in reverse is really frightening. Okay, now we have to check the map…wait, what the hell is that- OOMPH!
Out of his expectations, suddenly an underwear flied right into Jia Xu's face. He starts to steer the ship in an erratic manner, similar to a fly. He eventually went back on his route, speeding up towards Motochika's ship.
Motochika: Okay, now if only I could speed right up to his ship- wait, that's his ship! Exactly as I foretold! But wait…is he speeding right towards me?! AAAAHHHH!
Motochika tried to speed away from Jia Xu, unfortunately the two ships finally crashed, but Jia Xu' ship kept on speeding. The two ships continue to speed right until they finally reached their supposed destination, Kochi.
Jia Xu: removes the underwear Bah! Seriously, what the hell was that?! It doesn't even smell like an underwear! It smells like a baozi! Wait, is that Motochika's ship right in front of me?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Motochika: hanging out from the side of the ship Glurgghhh….I have to…win…
Jia Xu: Gah! By god, that's nasty! Urgh, wait, that's the finish line! Wait, already?! What the hell has happened?!
And so Jia Xu's (and Motochika's) ship sped through the finish line. Even though Motochika's ship technically passed first, the people agreed to declare Jia Xu the winner through his absolute wreckage of Motochika, and so Jia Xu's name came to be dreaded in the three worlds for being able to beat the Devil of the Seas himself in a boat race. While he too, has the Horn's Ambition fixed and gained Motochika's ship Hyakki Fugaku as a gift, he still dreads the race just like before.
Okay, I'm sorry this came out VERY late, I have a lot of studying to do. I hope you enjoyed! Good day!
P.S: Oh, as an answer to one Guest reviewer, I like Jia Xu because he's just really cool! He's a badass Wei strategist who NEVER made a mistake in his entire career, provided numerous brilliant strategies OVER Cao Cao and FOR Cao Cao (such as him drifting Han Sui and Ma Chao apart, it was a flawless plan), and all of those stuffs are legit in history, so I would gladly pick him over Zhuge Liang any day.
And his DW incarnation is even cooler! I love his design, I love his weapon and fighting style, his personality and quirks, his friendship with Guo Jia (which never existed in history, though I'd say it might just be Koei providing more yaoi fanfics bait, hehe), I just love EVERYTHING about him. Sorry, I became a bit of a rabid fangirl here :p
