Author's note: Just want to say thank you for reading, reviewing and following! Especially Jayjoan ... your reviews are thought-out, consistent, and most helpful!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

XXX

With mugs of hot liquid emitting comforting steam in front of us, a collective conversation soon picked up.

I previously had assumed that Shikamaru probably would just avoid me to every extent, carefully finding ways around all manners of communication, both verbal and nonverbal. But I quickly learned how wrong I had been, and then it surprised me even more that I ever had believed Shikamaru would go to the trouble of putting forth the effort needed to carry out an action as troublesome and strenuous as avoidance. Instead, he acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, addressing me when need be, brushing his eyes over me when I spoke, and responding to my words as he did to anyone else's – with mild interest – and that almost was worse.

I couldn't figure him out, try as I might to untangle his seemingly complicated behavior while voices swirled around me in pleasant discussion. We had fought three nights ago, hadn't we? I was certain I didn't make that up. Did he still care about me? Had I completely erased all feelings he had for me? Probably. I had been a real jerk, after all. Had he started to fall for Azami? It couldn't be. But why had they been talking alone? Had I pushed him away and into her skinny arms?

I hoped that my face wasn't in the same disarray currently being experienced by my mind. I tried to calm down and put myself back into the conversation by listening once again to what my friends were saying.

"I'm real nervous about tomorrow," Azami was the first to volunteer when there came a lull.

My eyes widened slightly with shock. The idea of admitting anxiety to fellow competitors was foreign to me. I was of the opinion that if you can't win, you go down fighting and putting on a brilliant performance depicting how 1) you don't give a shit and 2) you still aren't scared.

"Don't be too nervous," Ino said sweetly. Props to her for finding it in her to be comforting instead of mocking, considering the talkative Sand genin was her opponent. "It's not that hard. The final competition is the real tricky step. But you'll be fine tomorrow."

"But it's the first part of the test where people actually are out to get you and you have to survive for five days, just alone as a team, without our Sensei," Azami shuddered.

"Yeah, but it doesn't take that long," Shikamaru said with a sigh, staring down at his cup of tea as if he was bored with the conversation.

"Just for some people," I muttered pointedly under my breath. I couldn't help it. We had made fun of each other for so long, and it just came out before I could stop to consider whether I had effectively changed the nature of our friendship the other night. Was I allowed to tease him anymore?

One of his eyebrows shot up and he smirked, almost in embarrassment for once. "Oh, come on, Temari. We weren't that far behind you guys."

I gave him an openly confrontational and mocking look. "Yeah, okay, Shikamaru. Because 97 minutes and several hours are nearly the same thing. I'm glad to know your ability to count has improved exponentially over the past few years. And here I was worried you wouldn't have made yourself a more worthwhile opponent."

The sarcasm dripping from my voice drew out a slight scowl from the Leaf ninja. "Well, it's not like we had Gaara on our team to do all the work."

"Are you serious?" I felt the familiar rise of spontaneous irritation with the flippant shadow possessor ... and it felt like I was flipping over a pillow to rest my cheek on cool surface of the freshly exposed side. I looked straight into his eyes, challenging him. "That's not even a good argument! Gaara didn't carry us. And you know that. You're just too embarrassed to admit it or else you're as much of an idiot as ever."

I was delighted to be able to be the pain in the ass he always described me as and I held him in an arrogant glare, before my hidden smile, even now reserved only for Shikamaru, clawed its way out and softened the blow, as it was apt to do when I was dealing with him.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and said in that endearing voice laced with laziness, "This is why I always say women are such a drag."

He rubbed the back of his head and looked away, refusing to get caught up in an argument, but not before glancing up at me with a knowing but teasing smirk.

My heart leapt and I quickly reeled in this feeling of normalcy, hoping to save it for later. Even if it was just an illusion, built in a space unaffected by what had happened and what was going to happen, it was alleviating.

"Temari, you shouldn't be so mean! I'm sure Shikamaru and his teammates did great!" Azami rebuked me with a laugh, shattering the illusion and rubbing gravel over my nerves with her effort to be involved in a conversation she wasn't invited to.

Apparently she did not catch on that such sarcastic repartee was commonplace, even appreciated, between the Leaf chunin and I, and her lack of awareness just augmented my annoyance.

"Why the hell can you not just leave us alone? ... And you shut up," I said to quickly cut short the internal voice I knew was coming to remind me that this still was partly my fault.

"Shikamaru," Ino playfully punched her teammate. "You know Gaara isn't the only extremely talented one on their team!"

She shot Kankuro a flirtatious smile to ensure he knew she was talking about him, as Shikamaru just rolled his eyes again.

I thought about being insulted, but then realized I didn't care enough about her opinion for it to bother me that she obviously wasn't referring to me.

I wasn't surprised to see Kankuro smile back. Man, he could get his ego stroked just like that. The blonde Leaf kunoichi held his gaze for a second, appearing coy as she twirled a piece of hair around her finger.

My moment with Shikamaru was sufficiently over, I realized with bitter disappointment, and I was back in that awkward place of uncertainty. All the flirting going on at the table was beginning to get nauseating. I could feel the bile of emotions rising up, threatening to spill over in a less than tasteful display.

I glanced at Choji, thinking perhaps to find common ground with at least one person. He smiled but continued sucking down the food he had ordered. I didn't know if I felt more saddened or envious of the fact that he didn't seem to notice that his crush was flirting brazenly with my all-too-willing brother. "I guess more envious," I concluded thoughtfully. Nothing seemed capable of making me unaware that Azami was talking Shikamaru's ear off, barely letting him get a word in edge wise. The ponytailed Leaf chunin sat with his body leaned back leisurely, his arms crossed over his chest, his mouth only moving every so often in response.

I tried to listen intently and then analyze his replies. "He seems bored. But that's normal, right?... But he's never like this with me. … That would have been the perfect opportunity for him to throw in a 'this is a drag' or 'troublesome' . Why didn't he? …. Now, I'm pretty sure he's mocking her. But he mocks me, too … That reply was really curt. That has to mean something … Okay. This is stupid."

I swirled the now lukewarm, translucent brown liquid in my cup and pretended like I was flushing Azami down into it, and then felt embarrassed for thinking something so petty.

I considered talking about something serious, since we were all ninjas and probably had more important things with which to concern ourselves. Like the threats coming from the Akutski and what we could do about it. I loved strategizing. Normally, I could have relied on Kankuro to pitch in and help light up that conversation if I started it, but he seemed to be enjoying talking nonsense with Ino too much. And of course, Shikamaru would always opt for serious conversations. Although he didn't always like executing ideas if they required too much work, he loved deep, thoughtful talks. Did I dare to go there? Did I have the courage to approach him for his help in discussing something of consequence, something more in my territory? I waited for a few seconds and started to feel something small pulse within.

Outside, the storm had subsided and night had fallen in its stead.

"Well, it's about that time," Kankuro yawned, standing up. "Probably should be heading back."

"Wait, no!" My heart was beating fast, and I felt an unexpected surge of courage as well as a pressing need to speak with Shikamaru. It was as if I had decided in a split second that I couldn't stand how we had left things. It's odd how impulses can have such potency.

Everyone slowly followed Kankuro's example, standing up and gathering their stuff. We had begun to move out from our table inside the warm tea house.

Empowered by the unlikely combination of the recent brisk rainfall, the warm reservoir in my stomach created from the multiple cups of tea I had drank, my slight break-through moment with the aloof Leaf nin, and the fact that Azami randomly and playfully touching Shikamaru's arm was beginning to mince my nerves more than I would ever have expected an action to do, I swallowed hard. My hands were fidgeting.

My mind flashed back to the time I sat with Shikamaru in the waiting room at the hospital after his comrades had been seriously injured during the Leaf's mission to retrieve Sasuke. I had made an offhanded comment about his fidgeting, telling him it was useless.

"Oh, how the tables have turned," I thought almost caustically. I told my heart to stop pounding. It didn't listen. "Do it, Temari. Just talk to him."

I reached my trembling hand out to get the attention of the tall shadow possessor, who was walking a mere yard or so in front of me.

"Shikamaru," I started hesitantly, but loud enough for him to hear. When he turned to catch my eye, I caught a whiff of his sweet, simultaneously comforting and intoxicating smell and there was something in his face that invited me to go further. "Hey, I-"

"Shikamaru!"

Where had she come from? She was like a bad reoccurring dream. My hand shot back into the protective folds of my pocket and my body started back, as Azami bounced toward the Leaf chunin, her presence and shrill voice causing my resolve to come crashing down around me in torrential waves. For some reason, I felt embarrassed and I idiotically ducked my head as if I hadn't been about to speak with him, realizing just how ridiculous it was while I was doing it.

"Hey, Shikamaru," Azami grinned through her heavy breathing. "I can't quite remember how to get back to my apartment!"

"Really? You've been here for days."

"Ino said you often show newcomers around town when they come. Would you mind showing me the way back?"

"I'll do it," I blurted out before I could stop myself. I had felt panicked and in need of projecting myself in some way to keep this thought of Azami's from materializing. I didn't know so until she said it, but it was too much for me to handle. I couldn't even stand the thought. Also, what the hell was wrong with Ino?! I had agreed to speak with Kankuro for her, and now I felt irrationally betrayed.

Azami's eyes were obviously fixed in a glare when she turned to look at me for a second, but her voice came out as thick and sweet as honey as she continued, "That's not necessary, Temari. Besides you guys are in the opposite direction. Ino said he wouldn't mind. Would you, Shika?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? You think you can call him that?! You don't know him!"

Azami paid no mind to my internal responses, and I figured at least that meant I wasn't displaying them on my face.

"Really, Azami. I don't mind. We wouldn't want to put Shikamaru out," I was surprised by how much I was talking and pushing, but I knew it was because I wasn't capable of releasing my grasp on this situation and letting it develop it the way it naturally seemed to be.

"Oh he doesn't mind, do you, Shikamaru?"

Every part of my body felt heavy and concentrated, as if they each were made out of wood and had no nerves … just thick, unfeeling mass. I tried to move my shoulders to shrug with indifference, but they didn't move. I dragged my eyes from their position on guard and ready to aim daggers at the infuriating, mousy Sand genin and to Shikamaru.

He looked a bit uncertain and surprised, but he made the gesture I had been incapable of doing, and Azami took it as acquiescence.

Feeling had begun to return to my fingers and they were beginning to burn, a sensation that started there and slowly crept up with the purpose of total conquest.

The Leaf chunin turned to look at me and I knew he was giving me the opportunity to say what I had wanted before he left. That was the thing about Shikamaru. He was so observant and honest. He probably had detected my response and even now was giving me permission to change the nature of our collective circumstances.

But I didn't. The spontaneous and uncanny courage I had experienced before had dissipated and been replaced with the counterfeit kind, which dictates that emotions are weakness and tries to tell me none of this matters anyway.

Tears, hot, angry ones, were building up behind my eyes, but my face showed perfect nonchalance. "Sounds good. Thanks, Shikamaru."

Azami had started scurrying away jovially the minute he had agreed, and now turned back to call, "Come on, Shikamaru!"

His deep, brown eyes dissected me a few seconds longer before he simply sighed, shrugged and went to follow the Sand genin with the boundless energy.

I watched him walk away, focusing on his neck, because it seemed much safer in this moment to have something stable to grasp onto so I wouldn't get tossed about by what I knew was coming.

I stood still for a few seconds, ferociously willing myself to get under control and to push reality so far away from me that it wouldn't be able to affect me anymore. I didn't want to be inside it anymore. I wanted to step outside. I must have succeeded somewhat for when I heard Kankuro's voice, trying to get my attention, it sounded hollow and far away.

"Is that alright, Temari?"

I forced myself to nod. He could have told me he was about to run naked through the town and I wouldn't have cared. That's the thing about detaching yourself – it's all or nothing.

He and Ino sauntered off down a low-lit street and I realized apathetically that must have been the subject of his words.

"Night, Temari!" Choji's voice being sent from my ears up to my brain to be registered was the last attempt my senses made to keep me locked into that aspect of humanity that requires you to be present and to absorb, feel and project, but it was futile. I was gone.

I smiled robotically. I lifted a hand in silent farewell robotically. I turned to be sucked into a cold, lifeless street as I headed home. Nothing seemed real. I felt as if the world had been drawn with charcoal around me and even now it continuously folded as I progressed. I didn't feel anything, physically or emotionally, and I wondered if maybe mass is just a construction of the human psyche.

I looked up at the stars, burning my eyes as I tried to focus on the several direct points of light and their surrounding halos. They meant nothing. The stars weren't natural. They were electric lightbulbs – devoid of whimsy and entirely utilitarian.

"Just like me," I thought, trying to be emboldened by the fact.

Once inside my room, I sat at my desk, my back straight, my eyes looking out the window but not seeing, my hands moving with assurance but not feeling the cool, smooth wood beneath my fingertips or the slightly scratchy surface of paper as I mechanically sifted through sheets of it with the purpose of doing work. I barely noticed the match in my fingers as I lit a candle sitting on the desk and unemotionally observed that light was mundane and cold.

I was safe, I thought with relief. I was untouchable and unable of touching. This was the lockbox where I had resided for most of my life and I felt marginally at ease since I was not as afraid of having to grapple with the sensation of its repression in the same way I was when I had to clumsily play around with the liberation of my feelings on the rare occasions they got free.

I took a deep breath and opened the desk drawer to grab out a pen, feeling calm and collected. Not serene. No. There was only one person with whom I'd experienced that particular emotion. But I felt apathetic and it seemed like a fine substitute. It was the stronger of the two, I decided. And definitely more safe.

As I yanked on the gold knob to pull out the drawer, something caught the corner of my eye and it seemed to let out a sad little cry to me. It was the color of a garnet, only darker and not shiny, but even in its dried up, shriveled form, it boasted a delightful perfume that enveloped my face as fresh air surrounded it and encouraged it to emit a delicious aroma once more. The petals still looked like thin, vibrant strips of velvet. The stem stretched and curved proudly, withered, but not diminished.

My throat began to hurt. It took a few seconds, and I realized it was because I wanted to cry.

"No .. no," I chided myself in a hoarse voice that sounded loud in comparison to the wind whistling through the leaves outside, the only other audible noise in the dark room. "Don't lose control … please… don't. Pull yourself together, Temari."

It was no use. Nothing else had possessed the power tonight, but the perfectly preserved blossom had found a way to shoot an arrow into my heart, opening the lockbox and setting its contents free, and they were now tumbling about in a shower of bulky thoughts and memories that somehow had grown more potent in captivity. In the comfort of my room, for the second time in five days –a record – my strong shoulders folded beneath a weight they couldn't bear and began to shake with loud, unkept sobs.

Why, oh why, could I not keep a handle on myself? What the hell was wrong with me? I was stronger than this. But try as I might, I couldn't wrestle my rampaging heart into control.

"That damn boy," I whispered throatily into my sobs.

I heard a slight creak of my door opening. I jumped slightly and clumsily tried to brush away the tears making little rivulets on my cheeks.

I glanced behind me and saw the silhouette of my brother in the doorway. He audibly gasped and as he came farther into the room, the stricken look on his face became clear.

"Temari!" He rushed over to me, his face filled with shock and anger. "What's wrong? What happened to you?"

My cheeks grew warm. "How embarrassing." I had cried only a handful of times in my life and they always involved life-and-death matters, which is why it made sense for Kankuro to be so alarmed. The fact that I was sitting here, weeping over a stupid boy, was just humiliating. Unfortunately, instead of the humiliation acting as a ladder to help me crawl out of this pathetic hole of meaningless anguish, it simply augmented the sadness and forced more involuntary tears to stream from my eyes.

"It's nothing," I choked out over my sobs, my disobedient body trembling from the force of the intense amalgamation of regretful and confusing pain brewing inside.

My stutters did nothing to calm down Kankuro. He looked ready to kill someone and his voice was so low and compacted that I knew he meant business.

"Temari. Tell me what fucking happened. Seriously. I will take care of it. Just tell me what's wrong! I will fuck with whoever did this to you. I swear."

I looked up into his brown eyes, flickering wildly with panic and anger, while the rest of his face was fixed in absolute determination. His hands were clenched at his sides. Even through my tears, I couldn't help releasing a shaky smile at his unruly and intense reaction. I placed my hand tenderly on his arm and swallowed, hoping to stretch my tight throat so I could speak more clearly.

"Kankuro … I promise. It's alright. No one is in danger. … It's just something stupid."

He regarded me critically for second, his face softening gradually as he decided to believe me. "You promise?"

"Yeah."

"Well… then … what's wrong?" He crouched down beside the chair I was sitting in and awkwardly began to rub my knee. He seemed to have no idea how to handle this situation.

I didn't speak for a few seconds, focusing on the sight of my hands resting clasped in my lap. I wasn't exactly sure whether or not I was ready. "But I just need someone."

How did one go about even talking about this kind of stuff? I never had before. Noticing that my shoulders were tensed, I consciously released them and focused on my brother's clumsy but sweet pats to my knee. He really was trying.

I took a deep breath, "Alright. You need to stay calm. Don't make fun of me. I may be upset, but I still can kick your ass."

He didn't look quite as curious as I expected he would. Odd …. But I continued.

"Alright … well …. It's like this, "I cleared my throat. "Just fucking get it over with." "I'm … I have feelings …. Uh. Um. Alright. It's just that. … I have these feelings for Shikamaru."

Kankuro's eyes got wide. There were so many emotions passing over his face that I could not pull out one predominant one.

"Feelings?" Alright. He was definitely smirking a little. But there was something else. Almost like a respect or something – it seemed abnormal and misplaced. However, it quickly disappeared, leaving only blatant confusion, mockery, and disorientation. "Like … 'you are 21 and still a virgin and you think he's hot and you want to screw him' feelings?"

Of course he would take it there. "No! ... Well … I mean," I shook my head dismissively, not wanting to tell my little brother just how much I had and still wanted to do with the Leaf chunin. "Ummm… yeah, that's part of it. But ..anyway ..."

A bundle of humiliation dumped on top of me and I realized this probably was the worse idea ever. But I already was entrenched in this. I inhaled deeply and plunged ahead, "But it's more than that. I think …maybe … possibly … I'm in …"

My voice trailed off. I couldn't say that word. I sat still for a few second, but when I glanced up and caught sight of my brother's expectant and somewhat teasing eyes, it made me frustrated and defensive.

"I'm in love with him, alright?" I said bluntly, wanting to call him an ass, but stopping short as I realized he currently was my only ally and I desperately was in need of one.

Kankuro stared at me blankly and I wasn't sure if it made me more anxious or exasperated. "Just say something." I actually hadn't expected this sort of thoughtful consideration. Kankuro wasn't stupid or anything, but he often acted with bold, abrasive moves and rarely resorted to mulling over things in his mind. A few long seconds ticked by.

At last he exhaled and rubbed his eyes as it soaked in. "Are you serious?"

I nodded timidly and waited, holding my breath. When at last Kankuro spoke, it was nothing short of an outburst.

"You, my ferocious sister, Temari, are in love with a lazy ass chunin from the Hidden Leaf Village? Are you serious? Him? Of all people. He can't do anything! He's one of the most worthless ninjas, you know that right? Why would you fall for a loser like him? What is wrong with you?"

I had expected him to make fun of me, but not to attack Shikamaru. A bolt of anger shot through my body and I couldn't hold in the forceful words it was creating, which spewed out through gritted teeth. "What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talking. About? Shikamaru is brilliant, you dick. Probably the most brilliant ninja in the Land of Fire. He-he's clever, and strong and thoughtful," I realized I was sputtering and choppily gesticulating, but I couldn't stop it. I was livid and couldn't stand someone, even my beloved brother, insulting Shikamaru. "You're an idiot. He has every ounce of potential to become one of the greatest leaders in the village. He's already relied upon to create strategies for the Leaf. He genuinely cares about others and would do anything out of loyalty. Yes, he may be a bit lazy, but he's incredibly talented. He has a character of gold. And he's gorgeous ... and sweet ... and sarcastic ... and frustrating ... and ... and why the hell are you laughing?"

Kankuro was chuckling softly and shaking his head. I stopped to take a deep breath and eye him, incensed and confused.

"Damn, Temari," he said with a smile. "I was just joking. I wanted to see what you would say. You really are crazy for the guy, huh?"

I hadn't known I would get so defensive about Shikamaru, but having done so, it forced me to realize I was in this much deeper than I had thought.

All worked up and with nowhere to dump my emotions now, they started leaking through my eyes again, each nonsensical tear pulling out more and more excruciating misery until I was sobbing again.

"Oh, oh... Temari," Kankuro wrapped his arms around me, his face still caught in transition between laughter and concern. The only physical contact we ever really partook in was training as adults, and all manner of scrappy fighting when we were younger, so of course punching, slapping, and kicking. To have my brother give me a hug was awkward, but it wasn't the bad kind of awkward.

I softened into his arms as he helped lift me from the chair and led me over to the bed so we could sit side by side as he patted my back.

"You know... I think Azami likes him, too. You might have pull him away from her grasp. What are you going to do about that?"

Not exactly the most helpful thing he could say, but I didn't know how to answer or what even were the facts anymore, for that matter. I wanted to verbally tear the girl apart, but I couldn't now tell myself with perfect certainty that nothing was going on between Azami and Shikamaru. I laid my head on Kankuro's lap and let my tears communicate everything I felt on that subject as they traveled down my face and darkened his pants with their moisture.

"I ... just ... don't know what to do," I struggled to admit through my bawling and my pride. I couldn't imagine what was passing through Kankuro's mind as he looked at my convulsing body and listened to my embarrassing, sob-soaked confessions."I'm sure he is thinking 'who is this sad, pathetic, weak monster and what did she do with my sister?'" I didn't have the strength to look up and search for any repulsion or reproach in my brother's eyes. I just lay still, taking solace in the warmth of his body and the fact that he was being thoughtful enough to stay relatively calm.

"Well, judging from that outburst earlier, I don't think there is much for you to do, Temari. I mean, you were about ready to kill me over the guy. That's got to mean something."

I considered his words as my eyes played over all the objects in my room that were colored dark by night. I really did have incredibly strong, all-consuming love for Shikamaru. That wasn't the confusing part. But never before had I been asked to defend those feelings to another and that I had, and so belligerently, certainly hit me as unexpected. "What does that mean?" The cool air coming in through my open window was comforting and my sobs almost had subsided.

"By the way," I said, my voice shaky from weeping, "Ino is interested in you."

Kankuro chuckled and continued to pat my back. "Yeah, I know."

Completely spent, I let my body fully relax in his lap. The melancholy song of a bird meandered through the stillness. It was beautiful and sad. I wrapped my mind around it to try to keep it preserved. I liked to think it was both a sort of eulogy to the passing away of the hard, cold Temari, who was unable of admitting to something as 'feeble' and 'weak' as having feelings for a wily, lazy Leaf ninja, as well as the slow, steady birth of a Temari who was courageous enough, as Shikamaru would put it, to allow herself to feel love and turn those feelings from something inhibiting and diminishing into something powerful and beautiful. She was coming ... bit by bit ... and I could sense it.

"You need to get your shit together and figure something out, Temari," Kankuro said affectionately, softly moving me from his lap so my body was laying on the bed and he was free to move once more. I felt groggy and I highly anticipated the deep sleep I could see descending over my body.

"Yeah ... I know."