Mah name is, E-Zilla, da fic rulla, da old skoola, u wanna fic, I'll bring it to ya! I rock and I'm on top, writin', neva stop! I upload and ja read till ya brains pop! I don't make any money, see, and I'm not very funny, see, but I got no friends, and I got no life, so if ya don't like my stories I'll stab u with a knife! Cuz I am the FICTION QUEEN… Ouch! (gets hit by her friend Nathan) Sorry I'll stop. I'm on an ATHF kick right now. =D

I don't think I shall describe this chapter, for, as I will truthfully admit to you, I am making it up as I go along. Really. I am. So it's a surprise. Savor the suspense. And one thing I may add is that the obligatory song in this chapter is a nice song by Metallica that happens to be my favorite. Heh heh. And Word think's I'm a 4.5th grader. Is there even such a grade? (kicks Word) Oh well

UPDATE: Sorry, this chapter was full of mistakes so I fixed it up a bit. Chances are this is the first time you're reading this, so I probably caught them in time. Heh. Enjoy the new and IMPROVED, way too long chapter nine.

UDATE #2: I had to do it AGAIN! I guess my mind is silpping... Or maybe it's my stupid muse... (hits muse with a hammer) Yeah, now read my story before I get even more irritated!


Chapter 9: Ogdens Good Ole Firewhiskey / Scary Movie… Er Story/ The extremely long chapter with so much nonsense and randomness, not to mention raw filler content that the title is proportionately as large

"Sleep with one eye opeeeeeeeen," Ela sang softy. "Gripping your pillow tiiiiiight!" She penned her essay about transfiguring buttons in bright green ink. "Exit light, enter niiiiiight…" She flipped through her notes and scribbled another paragraph, eager to finish. "Take my hand, off to Never Never Land…"

Remus and Hermione each had massive piles of books in front of them, occasionally opening one and writing something, then reading for a while from another. Hermione leaned over to ask Remus a question, accidentally knocking over a bottle of ink on Remus' parchment. She let out a small yelp and apologized fiercely as he quickly cleaned it up with his wand.

"No problem," he whispered, smiling at her. For those of you who look for this kind of thing, yes, it could be a precursor to a romantic relationship, and then again, it may not be. Teasers, teasers…

"DAMMIT!" shouted Ron from his chair next to Harry. "I just don't get buttons!"

"Neither do I," said Harry, shaking his head. "Neither do I."

"Hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard…" sang Ela, slightly louder, from the other side of the room.

The passed-out Gryffindors from earlier had already been revived, and were reading up on what they missed, completing their assignments. Bobby was clueless as usual, especially since he had not attended the majority of the day's lessons.

"It's just the beast under your bed, in your closet, IN YOUR HEAD!"

When Ela was just about to break into the chorus of the song with a loud "Come on everyone!" like she loves to do so much, the portrait hole opened up. Two boys came through carrying a large crate. James and Sirius. Peter followed close behind, with a broad grin. Remus turned around and saw them. His face went from zero to furious in .3247 seconds. He stormed over to them, grabbing Peter by the arm.

"You got it?" Remus whispered harshly? "I told you not to!" His expression softened a bit, and even showed a hint of fear. "So wait, we're not going to get in trouble now…?"

"Relax," said Sirius casually. He and James lowered the crate to the ground. "It's cool." He turned towards the room. "Sixth years, may I have your attention please!"

All the sixth years turned to face him, as the other kids obliviously continued with their homework and ignored him, however unlikely that sounds. All except for Ginny Weasley, who was a fifth year, and Luna Lovegood, who wasn't even in Gryffindor, but was a friend of Ginny's.

James cleared his throat. "Would all of you who aren't in sixth year, um, please leave?" he asked as nicely as he could manage. Surprisingly enough, they listened. Dandy. Most of the common room trudged up to the dormitories carrying books, parchment, exploding snap decks, and gobstones. Peter waited until only the sixth years (plus Ginny and Luna, to whom the rules don't apply because Ginny is Ron's sister and Luna and Harry had a little thing going on at the end of the fifth book) were left in the room, before he began speaking.

"I present to you, sixth years…" he started.

"A gift from your friends…" continued Sirius.

"The delightfully mischievous…" added James.

Remus stared blankly at them.

"Say it," whispered Peter.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Moony…" said Remus, sounding as if his friends had just forced him to say, "My name is Sally and I like to wear pink dresses and sing musical numbers on the roofs of public establishments."

"Wormtail…" said Peter.

"Padfoot…" stated Sirius.

"And Prongs," finished James. "Also known as…"

"Remus…" said Remus.

"Peter…"

"Sirius…"

"And James…"

"Respectively," they said together. Remus finally smiled. No matter how "good" he tried to act, he actually did enjoy doing this.

"What is that?" asked Manga, pointing to the crate, which had fancy letters printed on the side in red with flames coming off of them. Rachel coughed. Nobody knew why. The letters were "OOFW."

"That," said Sirius, "is the gift."

James nodded. "Remus, if you will…"

Remus pulled out his wand, hesitated for a moment, then let his inner Marauder take over. He shouted, "Abertus!"

The crate popped open, revealing maybe a couple hundred bottles of a reddish orange liquid. Peter grabbed one of the bottles and held it up.

"Ogdens Old Firewhiskey!" He took a deep swig and smiled. Ela ran over.

"You guys really got this stuff? How? From who?"

"We nicked it," said Sirius. "We found a way into the storage room of the Three Broomsticks."

"Is this anything like ale?" asked Sam, eyeing a bottle.

"Ale?" asked Pippin excitedly. "Did you hear that Merry?"

"Yeah," laughed James. "Something like it."

"Oh hey ho to the bottle I go," Frodo started to sing.

Saint Dane gave him a heavily disturbing look of hatred and made as if to grab something from under his robes. Frodo immediately stopped. Hobbits didn't look too good full of bullets.

"So, can we have it? For free?" asked Bobby.

"Yes," said Peter impatiently. "It's a gift…"

"Cool," said Merry, taking four bottles and passing them to the hobbits.

Rachel looked at the crate suspiciously, and Glassy spoke up.

"Um, if that's alcohol, we really shouldn't be having it…"

"Yeah," agreed Rachel. "Aren't we a little young?"

"Oh come on guys," said Ela playfully. "You aren't down with the alchie?"

"No, we aren't," said Glassy.

Rachel shuffled her feet.

"Come on!" Ela handed a bottle to each of them. Glassy just put hers down.

"No thank you," she stated firmly and stalked up to her dormitory. Rachel contemplated following her, then looked back down at her bottle.

"Raaaaaach…"

"I'm straight-edge," said Rachel. "I just… can't."

"Rachel, come on," said Ela, losing her playful tone and getting menacingly angry.

"Please, I don't want any."

"YES YOU DO!" Ela glared at her with laserlike eyes.

"Okay, okay," Rachel said, and gulped. "You win."


High Above Hogwarts in a Spaceship…

A cool, awesome, stereo system never known or imagined by man was blaring the S&M version of Wherever I May Roam, by Metallica. What coincidence. I guess things like that just tended to happen on the Heart of Gold. You know, the ship. The Heart of Gold is its name.

"Rover, wanderer, nomad, vagabond! Call me what you will!" the stereo blasted. The content of the song was rather a coincidence as well, as Ford, and now Arthur, officially, were intergalactic Hitchhikers.

"It's England! It's ENGLAND!" screamed Arthur, going insane.

"It's Earth," breathed Trillian, her eyes wide.

"Wait, didn't the Vogons destroy your worthless planet?" asked Marvin, the chronically depressed/suicidal android, boredly.

"Hold on a second," interrupted Ford, by far the best, funniest, smartest, CUUUUTES… I MEAN… coolest character of the increasingly inaccurately named Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe Trilogy. "I don't think…"

"Shut up," said one of Zaphod, Ford's cousin's, heads. Yes, he had two heads. Deal with it. He continued:

"We have to land now, and—"

"Zaphod, I don't think we…" started Ford.

"QUIET!" yelled Zaphod, pounding all three of his fists on a table. Yeah, he had three arms too. Two right arms, and one left one.

"ENGLAND!" yelled Arthur again.

"You too," Zaphod snapped.

"Zaphod," said Ford firmly. "We don't belong in this story. It has already reached the limit of 24 characters. Or more. I lost count."

"Oh," said Zaphod, promptly turning the ship away and going somewhere else for the time being.


Back at Hogwarts…

"Did anybody hear anything?" asked Ela suspiciously. "It sounded oddly like a large, white, stolen spaceship just took off at light speed away from its orbit over the school…"

"I didn't hear anything," said Butler, sipping on a bottle of Firewhiskey.

"Maybe it was the wind," suggested Artemis, who had also taken to trying the alcoholic beverage for himself.

"Hey," yelled Manga, draining her first bottle of the drink. "Who wants to tell scary stories?"

Nobody cared either way, so they shrugged and helped her extinguish the lamps in the common room. Each person pulled a chair, sofa, ottoman, or a private piece of the floor up to the fireplace, which was now the room's only source of light. The hobbits took a couch to themselves. Legolas perched on a chintz armchair. Rachel, Ela, and Manga stole ottomans from now incomplete ottoman-chair furniture arrangements. Harry, Ron, and Hermione squeezed between some couches on the floor. The four guys of MWPP each got wooden chairs from the desks. Saint Dane and Bobby stared each other down and finally sat on a couch together as well. Actually it was a LOOOOOOVE seat, but nobody felt like bringing that up, as no one really felt like getting a Swiss-cheese makeover. Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf leaned against the wall, Butler, Artemis, and Holly on the floor nearby. Ginny and Luna took a rug in front of the fireplace. Mulch stole the arm of Legolas' chair. FanGrL04 lied on her stomach facing the Luna nad Ginny in front of the fire with her hands on her chin, elbows propped up. Everyone was finally settled.

"So ah… Who goes first?" said Ela.

"I will," said Hermione, smiling and sipping from her bottle. "I know an excellent story…"

"This isn't that stupid one about the kid in the closet…?" Ron started to ask.

"No, it's not that," Hermione snapped back. "Now quiet. I'm starting." She started. Her voice was more hushed and mysterious.

"Ted Martin and Sam Miller were the best of friends. They spent most days together, talking, joking, hanging out. Doing what guys do. Well, one particular night they were sitting on a fence on the side of the road that led out of town, talking and staring into the meadow across the street. Suddenly, they saw something crawl slowly out of the meadow, cloaked heavily in shadow, and stand up. It stood frozen, staring at them. Ted and Sam thought it was a man, but in the dark it was hard to tell for sure. Then it was gone.

"However, only a few minutes later, the figure appeared again. It crawled out of the meadow, like the first time, but this time it slowly staggered out into the street. It stepped toward the two friends, but when it reached the middle of the road, it turned and went back into the field.

"Soon, it came out a third time and started toward them. Ted and Sam were getting scared and decided to run. But when they finally stopped, they decided they were just acting stupid. They weren't even sure what the figure was that was scaring them. So they decided to go back and get a better look.

"Not much later, they saw it again, for it was coming out to meet them. It was wearing black pants, and a white shirt with black suspenders. Sam said, 'I'm going to try and touch it. Then we'll know for sure if it's real.'

"He stepped carefully up to the advancing creature and peered into its face. It had bright, sharp, penetrating eyes sunk deep in its head. Its skin was shrunken and shriveled across its face. It looked like a skeleton.

"Ted took one look at the thing and screamed. He ran back into town towards his house. Sam was right behind him, but this time the skeleton followed them. When they reached Ted's house, they stood in the doorway and watched it. It stayed in the road for a while. Then it disappeared.

"A year later, Ted got sick and died. Toward the end, Sam sat up with him every night. The very night Ted died, Sam said he looked just like the skeleton…"

A shiver passed through the room, like the wave at a football game. Hermione left the group to ponder the eeriness of her story, when somebody broke the silent spell by yelling, "OMG LYKE HOO GOSE NIXT?"

Hermione glanced at FaNgrL04.

"You can."

FaNgrL04 sat up on her knees.

"Once apawn a tym tere wuz a gost lol an it livd in a houce dat it honted omg wtf lol omg and dis gurrl went in2 da houce an she wuz like 'OMG I TINK DIS HOUCE IZ HONTED!' an she ran away but den she cam bak n went in2 da houce agin…"

"Stop that, stop that, stop that," said Saint Dane. He emptied his third (or was it fourth?) bottle of Firewhiskey with one deep swig. "That's just not how scary stories work. You have to be dramatic. You have to make the audience feel scared. Don't just tell the story. Convey your emotion…" He picked up another bottle and drank.

"OK," said FaNgrL04. "I'll tell u 1. Once dere was a boi named Fred hoo acidently swalloed a piano. Den he dide cuz he chocked. Then dey built da internet over his grav and now he is mad, su if u dun send dis to 20 billin ppl in da next .23404889027482764926 seconds, he will drop a piano on u while u sleep!"

"Where on Earth did you get that one?" asked Gandalf, the abnormally silent wizard.

"It was very… odd," said Gimli.

"Agreed," agreed Aragorn.

"I got it on da internet."

"Which explains the 'built the internet over his grave' part," laughed Rachel.

"So, who's next?" asked Manga.

"I wanna go!" exclaimed Ela. "I'll tell you a good one." She finished sipping on her third bottle. She took a paper out of her pocket.

"I photocopied it from a book, so I wouldn't forget it," Ela explained, unfolding it. "Ah here we go… Once there was a girl who grew up to become a scientist. She wanted to know the secrets of the government, so she went to work at Area 51. She assassinated everyone there, and stole the alien technology, contacting the aliens to join a secret army, and also recruiting humans to form a revolutionary army to take on the government. After the girl and her human-alien army won the revolution, she decided to take over the world with all of America's resources and nuclear weapons starting with Norway. Finally, when she had control of the world, she righted all it's wrongs and made it a happy place. The end."

"Okay…" said Manga, staring oddly.

Ela looked at the paper, and quickly shoved it in her pocket.

"Oh crap!" she said. "Those were my plans to take over the world. Oh well," she added boredly, as if she didn't care, though she made a mental note to kill everyone within earshot before carrying out her plan.

By now, everyone was just a little bit tipsy and forgot what they were doing. The Firewhiskey was much stronger than they had previously thought. Legolas looked around him, and muttered something aloud about the pink bunnies. The hobbits laughed uncontrollably.

"So what were we doing?" asked Bobby, articulating the unspoken-up-until-just-then question.

"Playing truth or dare," answered Harry without hesitation.

"So who's turn was it?" asked Ginny, speaking for the first time.

Nobody knew that one.

"May I?" asked Luna, also speaking the first words she's ever spoken in this whole fic.

Nobody answered, so she took it as a yes. Actually they were ignoring her, because she was "LYKE UBER-WEEEIRD" but she went ahead anyway.

"Rachel," Luna said. "Truth or dare?"

"Er, truth…"

"Rachel, what is your deepest, darkest secret?"

Rachel contemplated telling them that she was actually an international spy, sent to find out information about a Russian satellite, which was somehow hidden in Hogwarts. But, if she did that, she would have to kill everyone else there. Which she didn't want to happen. Though Ela already had unvoiced plans to do so anyways. So, Rachel did as everybody does. Lied.

"I, er, I've had a crush on Drew since the fourth grade!"

As nobody knew, or cared, who Drew was, they shrugged it off and continued with the game.


In Glassy's Dormitory…

"Ugh," whispered Glassy, erasing something from her sketchbook. She brushed away the little eraser shavings and kept drawing Edd from Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy. She starting penciling in the face. "His smile never looks quite right…"

BANG.

Glassy looked up. The banging noise came from Samara's corner of the dorm room.

BANG.

Samara popped out of her bed, seemingly coming right out of it like, well, a ghost thing coming through a bed. She flipped her hair over her face and staggered towards Glassy.

"Er, Samara, what are you doing?"

"Suffer! Suffer!"

Glassy rolled her eyes and closed her sketchbook. She decided she'd rather go downstairs than be bothered by Samara and her stupid little, "Die, suffer, die," episodes. So she did.


Back Downstairs, Where Glassy Now Had Joined the Group…

"All right," said Rachel, giggling a little bit. "Truth or dare, big guy?" She pointed to Saint Dane.

"Dare!" he yelled making a fist and slamming it on the sofa.

"All right, I dare you to…" Rachel rubbed her chin. "To do a 'seven minutes in heaven' with a girl in this room!"

"What is that?" Saint Dane asked suspiciously, kind of unknowledgeable about the territory's games and customs.

"You spin a bottle and when it stops and points at a girl, you go into a room with her for seven minutes!" answered Rachel.

"I thought it was seven seconds…" wondered Holly aloud.

"Yeah, but you can do a lot more in seven minutes," said James with a deep laugh, picking up on the vibe.

"Rach, no more Firewhiskey for you," said Ela, snatching her bottle away. "That is the last time you say something weird like that…"

"But the dare still stands, doesn't it?" asked Legolas. "I mean, he's gotta do it?"

"Yes," said Manga, flipping through the Truth or Dare Official Rulebook. "He still has to complete the dare…"

The girls hesitantly got into a circle, and Saint Dane grabbed one of his empty Firewhiskey bottles and spun it. Holly, Glassy, Rachel, Manga, Ela, Ginny, Luna, Hermione, and FaNgrL04 watched it spin. So did the boys, with ironic sneers on their faces. Nobody knew what the irony was, but it made for a good description. The bottle slowed. Eyes got wider. Gasps were heard. It finally inched to a stop. (insert group gasp here) It was pointed to…


"WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED FIC FOR A COMPLETELY USELESS TEST OF AN EMERGENCY SYSTEM THAT WILL NEVER EVER BE USED AT ALL!" yelled an announcer from nowhere. A bunch of little green people ran around screaming, "EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY!" for the next seven minutes and thirty-two seconds. Then it all stopped.

"THANK YOU!"


Saint Dane sat back down in the circle, still staring a blank stare…


"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" yelled the author, Ela, in a fit of rage. "Who put that emergency system test in there?" She smote several random people, none of whom were responsible and turned back to the non-existent camera, which would be a camera, if there were one, but was in reality just the fictional perspective of the reader.

"Luckily for you and those idiots who broadcasted the test, I have a little thing called…" Ela held up a remote. "FANFICO!" She waited for the OOOH's and AAAH's. There weren't any.

"Right," Ela recovered quickly, still holding the remote, "You see it's like Tivo, only for fanfiction. You can rewind and fast forward and stop. You can even save up to three… Ah, I'm sorry, I'm ranting." Ela shook her head. "I mean, I will now rewind the fic seven minutes and thirty-two seconds into the past. Enjoy." Ela pressed a button and everything went black…


FaNgrL04.

Saint Dane panicked and almost ran, when he remembered a handy little thing he had, called "POWERS." He used them for all they were worth. The bottle tilted slightly to the right. It now rested on…

Ela.

Their eyes met for a second, then Ela looked at the floor. Saint Dane looked at the ceiling. It was closer. Hehe, get it? Cuz he's seven feet tall, right?

Get it? (cough)

"You know what that means," said Bobby, slyly, milking everything he could out of Saint Dane's not-quite-in-control-at-the-moment position.

"Shall we?" Saint Dane asked Ela, smiling a freaky smile and extending his hand.

"Uh huh." Ela nodded and took his hand. Gulping. Saint Dane was pretty menacing, especially while drunk and slightly out of his mind.

"I'll just make sure you two get there safely," said Butler, grabbing the same key he locked FaNgrL04 and Bobby into a dormitory with the night before. So he led them upstairs. Some doors got shut. Some locks got locked. And Saint Dane and Ela ended up alone in a room.

"And what happens now?" asked the tall, evil Traveler, pacing the room.

Ela sat down on the nearest bed and coughed.

"We're actually supposed to kiss and stuff…"

He snapped around towards her.

"Me and you? We…"

"Kiss, yes."

"Oh. I thought it had something to do with torture."

"No."

"OOOOOOOH… Uh, so now… We like… kiss? Really?"

"I guess so."

Saint Dane sat next to Ela on the four-poster. They looked at each other and just got it over with. Saint Dane pulled Ela into an awkward half-second kiss. They pulled away quickly and turned away from each other. Saint Dane drained another bottle of Firewhiskey that he brought with him in slightly less than 1.5 seconds.

"I am going to drink so much I hopefully have no memory of this…" he said, wiping his forehead with his sleeve.

"Should I be offended by that?" Ela asked, in a slightly indignant tone.

"No, no," Saint Dane apologized, opening another bottle. "This is just so weird… And awkward."

"True…" Ela picked up a bottle. "To forgetting!" she said, clanking her bottle against his.

"Yeah," muttered Saint Dane. "To forgetting…"


Back in that One Spaceship…

Ford growled as he watched what was going on in a monitor he had somehow planted in Hogwarts.

"Yeah, yeah, you'll forget… When you die…"

"What's going on in here?" asked Zaphod, who had no respect for privacy, flinging open Ford's door.

"Er, nothing," said Ford quickly, turning off the monitor…


In the Common Room, Again…

The rest of the room sat and conversed about what could be going on up there.

"How much do you think he got her to do?" asked Sirius to his three friends.

"You sick bastard," said Remus, who laughed a little bit anyways. Only partially because of the massive amount of alcohol running through his system.

The girls were talking, too.

"Rachel, I cannot believe you!" said Glassy. "Did you see that guy? Poor Ela…"

"What?" asked Manga, sipping on her fifth drink "It's not like he looked that bad…"

"No, but hello! He's evil…" said Glassy. "He could be up there MURDERING her right now!"

"I never thought of that," said Rachel. "Oh well." She shrugged.

Someone's watch went off, with a loud beeping noise. It was Butler's.

"Oh, look, seven minutes has passed," he said casually. "You wait here, I will bring them down."

And the group waited. Seconds later Butler came sown with a giddy Ela and a confused looking Saint Dane.

"So Ela. Did you like that?" asked Holly, laughing.

"Ndengina ta!" Ela exclaimed laughing.

"That's Evlish," said Aragorn.

"What?" asked Bobby. "I heard 'Kill it.'" He got odd stares. "I'm a Traveler. I understand these things…"

"So, what happened up there?" asked Sirius of Saint Dane, smiling from the corner of his mouth.

Saint Dane glared at him and sat down.

"You guys!" said Sam. "We must know!"

"What do you think happened?" said Saint Dane, darkly cryptic.

There were a few stares and dirty thoughts. The Ela screamed.

"AMIN AUTIEN RATH!" She ran to her dormitory.

Everyone, even Legolas the elf, who was too drunk to even sneeze, looked at Bobby for a translation.

"She said she's going to bed."

Oh.

"So," said Artemis tapping his fingers. "Do we continue?"

"No, the main character's gone to bed, we can't," said Holly, disappointed.

"Please," whined Frodo. "Master Dane… Saint Dane, I mean. Ask somebody truth or dare."

The remaining players looked at him, only to see that he had passed out on the couch.

"Ro caele beika sereg," said somebody. It was FaNgrL04. Everyone made faces that looked very much like O.o.

"WAT? IMA FNGRRL! I no Elvish! Wat du u x-pekt?"

Everyone gave up on the fleeting notion that the annoying Fangirl had stopped with the chatspeak forever. They sighed.

"Maybe we should go to bed too…?" suggested Rachel. "I'm getting dizzy."

"Yeah," the group murmured, and drunkenly crept up to the dormitory's, occasionally falling down stairs but ultimately reaching their destinations unharmed.


The author threw the Fanfico remote at her still sleeping muse. She turned to the "camera."

"I had to write that WHOLE huge long chapter on pure caffeine, you know!" she said, accusingly. Ela D-E pointed at her muse. "I had absolutely no help with it from this stupid lazy bi…"


Static.

"End recorded fic," said the Fanfico machine. "Good-bye."

More static.