She watched how her agreement had brought a smile to the pirate's face, saw how that expression completely transformed him. It wasn't his usual kind of smile in that the pirate wasn't outright leering at her, or attempting to be charming. He was just HAPPY, a weight of honest relief to him. A relief she was the cause of, Belle's quiet assurance bringing with it an absolute sense that all would be right in his world. That kind of belief would do nothing save to set the man up for an even harder fall, Belle knowing, knowing that secrets had a way of coming out.
She was almost bitter about that. About that and about all of the lying that her husband had done, the secrets that he had kept about the many hurts he had inflicted. It wasn't just Belle who had been a victim, it was a whole town full of people, and she still didn't know even half of it. Her heart was too broken, Belle in too much pain to invite more to pierce into it. And so instead she had hid, hid from the town's truth, from the people that had lived through it.
In many ways she was STILL hiding, Belle unable to cope. She just couldn't face any more of their truths, that of the lies of her husband that they could reveal. More than that, it was the people themselves she couldn't face, everything from the pitying looks in their eyes, to the sometimes cruel sneers that bespoke of a less sympathetic soul, some people angry. With her and at her, those few but potent glares holding a kingdom's fury to them. For the lies she had told herself, for the time she had wasted, Belle taking just short of forever to truly take note of the man, the beast, she had tied herself to.
Well aware of her folly now, but unable to avoid it, Belle hid from the people, from their pity and accusations, from their strained attempts at sympathy. She hid from the looks in their eyes, their expressions nothing more than a mirror to what Belle was feeling deep inside. The upset and the pain, an entire realm's worth of hurt, she was brought low by her feelings of stupidity and self hatred, Belle angry, so angry and spiraling out of control. The beauty hid from the people not because she couldn't handle their disdain, but because Belle couldn't handle her OWN.
Her self worth practically nonexistent, Belle had given herself over to recriminations of shame and self degradation. She had heaped countless insults a top her own name, had actively cursed herself a love befuddled fool. The beauty had picked apart her memories, had torn through the rose colored vision she had once viewed the past with. What she had found in their remains, made Belle cringe, the woman realizing she had behaved no better than some brainwashed ninny. She had openly ignored the signs, had conveniently blocked out the memories of the blood on the clothes she had helped wash. She had forgotten about the tortures, the screams, the desperation of the people who had come to her husband to make his deals. She had forgotten about the baby, about the sound of it's frightened wailing, and the feel of her own heart beating wildly with a fear to match and surpass it.
She had taken small moments of quiet, and had built upon them. Let herself be blind to everything but the good Belle had thought she had seen inside Rumplestiltskin's heart. She had believed in it, believed in HIM, Belle thinking she saw a misunderstood man. One willing, capable and deserving of love. HER love, Belle devoting herself to him. Both before the curse and after, and yes it might have been even easier to fool herself when his outside looks no longer matched the beastly interior.
Victim to a madness that she had let overtake her, Belle still couldn't find room in her heart to actually hate Rumplestiltskin. She was heartbroken and disappointed, and ever so angry. Belle was also confused and grief stricken, mourning the loss of the life she had thought that together they were about to have. She mourned more than that, felt her own life spiraling out of control, Belle missing Rumplestiltskin, or at least missing the man she had always imagined him to be.
The shattering of her faith in him had done more than just make Belle hurt and hate and be angry. It had left her LONELY, the woman finally understanding just all she had sacrificed. Friends and family, a life-an identity of her own. With every link sacrificed, Belle had climbed higher and higher, until there was nothing left to catch her, nothing there to break her fall.
With eyes that were now opened, Belle could recognize the signs of someone else doing exactly the same. Hook, or Killian as he now wanted to be called, might not be in the same exact situation, but he was letting his lies lay down the ground work that would bring his life crashing down around him. She was sure of it, had actively tried to dissuade him from it, Belle urging Killian to be truthful with Emma. The savior would be hurt to learn of what Killian had done, but Belle was certain that Emma would be a dozen times more unforgiving if the lies were to come out in some other way.
It was his mistake to make, his bad choice to rue. She had tried and failed to convince him otherwise, and Belle had enough on her plate without taking on the problems of the pirate. She'd keep his secret, but not because Belle wanted to, but because the woman wasn't ready to be the bearer of such heart breaking news.
She wasn't ready for a lot of things, Belle abruptly looking away from Killian's smile. It was too reminiscent of another's, too much like that roguish pleasure and satisfaction of her most fevered recollections. It brought a crimson color to her cheeks, left Belle barely able to look at the pirate, let alone meet his eyes. It HURT to be this close to him, to be this aware, her skin tingling with the knowledge of just how his rough and calloused hand had felt touching on it.
She shook her head to try and clear it of the memories, actually bumped her back against the bookcase behind her in an effort to step away from the pirate. It wobbled dangerously in protest, the pirate hissing out a warning to her to be careful. It happened faster than she could process, the pirate suddenly right there in front of her, his arms lifted up to shield Belle from the falling crush of books.
It wasn't the most painless of rescues. The books actually took the pirate down. He ended up on his side on the floor, an open book caught around his head, and many others laying atop his body. Belle stared for a moment, then dropped down to a crouch besides him.
"Killian!" Her hands were almost frantic, the woman starting to knock the books off of him. For once she showed no care and consideration to the tomes, Belle in a hurry to check on the pirate. He let out the deepest of groans, his hand reaching for the book that was on his head, only to then fling it violently across the library.
"That's not the most graceful of rescues I've ever been a part of." He muttered in a self depreciating manner.
"Have you been a part of many?" Belle asked, setting aside another book from atop him.
"A few." He allowed with a smile up at her. It was the same as before, the heat filling her, Belle reacting to that sensual twist of his lips. It was a genuine smile, a true showing of warmth, the pirate allowing her to see a rare unguarded side of him. "Although none can compare to the time a certain princess saved my heart from being crushed."
"Ah." She didn't know what to say, or how to react, Belle taking a hold of and tossing aside another two books.
"Truth be told, I am not sure what I enjoyed more. The look on Rumplestiltskin's face, or the look on yours."
"Mine?" she asked with some surprise. "I must have looked a fright. What with my heart in the middle of breaking and the tears that I had been trying to keep back."
"Aye, your heart had been breaking, but you had also been so FIERCE. An avenging angel made real, salvation in one hand, judgement brought down in the other. Your eyes may have glisten, but they had also gleamed. But then they always do when you're angry."
Her brow drew together at that, Belle making a scoffing attempt to dismiss what he was saying. "Always? As if you know me."
"I know your anger." protested Killian. "That emotion has been chief in your gaze each time you look at me. Can't claim I haven't rightfully earned such a look either..."
"Well you did try to kill me..." She muttered, a book in hand. "Twice in fact."
"Aye, and I am sorry for that." He sighed then, and brushed off the rest of the remaining books from his body. "Truly." The pirate added. "I made you a part of my vengeance when I shouldn't have."
Belle busied herself with gathering some of the books into a pile, the woman intent on maintaining some kind of order inside her library. "No, you shouldn't have." She finally agreed, then bit at her bottom lip. She saw how the pirate's eyes were drawn to that motion, the look in his eyes making her start to tremble. She let go of the books, hurriedly got up off her knees to pretend she wasn't affected, wasn't made nervous by the vivid memories of what they had done together.
"But if we're going to talk about the shouldn't have, then I am at fault too."
"Now what would you be regretting?" He asked her with a grin. It was a little less genuine, looking more like a flirtatious leer. Belle fixed Killian with a withering look, and nerved herself to answer, to confess to a wrong she had done HIM.
"That time on your ship." She began with a sigh. Belle forced herself to meet his eyes with her own, to not flinch back from a truth she had denied for so long. "When you told me about her, about Milah and how she had died…."
"Ah…."
"I..I refused to believe you. Refused to accept that Rumplestiltskin could have been capable of such a thing. I should have run screaming from him, not make excuses or try to justify such behavior. I was….stupid."
"Well I wouldn't go so far as to agree with that." The pirate protested in a casual tone of voice. "You were in LOVE. There's precious few who wouldn't have been blinded by that particular feeling."
"Blinded." Her tone was bitter then. "I truly was blind, wasn't I? Even after I knew, even after…..I kept on believing in him, saying that wasn't who he was NOW. I was back to making excuses, pretending not to see the truth right in front of me." Belle let out a breath, and hesitated for a second. "There's a word for a woman like me..."
"Now I don't want to be hearing you put yourself down." His hook had touched against her lips, the man careful with it's tip as he went to silence her. "You're not the first woman to...to become confused and fall for her captor. It's called surviving, and making the best of a bad situation."
She was too aware of his nearness, the pirate not only close enough to touch, but to smell, the pleasant scent of some kind of aftershave on him. It was just one more modern touch to an old fashion pirate, the man having given up his well worn leathers for the clothing of this world. He looked good that way, though a part of her very much missed seeing him in his best pirate finery.
He was still speaking. "Our history is made of such tales. Not every damsel has a prince to come rescue her." His teeth flashed with his smirk. "And not every prince is as charming as Snow White's."
Belle didn't know why she did it, but she reached out to touch his wrist. He went still at that, his hook still carefully pressed against her lips, the pirate staring at her with his blue gaze unfathomably dark.
"Belle?" He said, pulling back on his hook. "Love, what is it?"
"Will you tell me?" She impulsively asked. "About all that went down, about all that HE did to you?"
Killian didn't try to play stupid and pretend that he didn't know just who she was asking about. Instead he gave her a searching look, before asking. "Now why would you be wanting to torture yourself like that?" Now it was his hand that touched her, the man cupping her cheek with it. She fought not to lean into that touch, Belle somehow managing to hold his gaze without flinching. "It's a world of fresh hurt you'll be unleashing."
"It's something that needs to be heard. Something I need to face."
"Something to firm up your resolve against him?" Killian accurately guessed. "Love, are you fearing you'd forgive him?"
"It is not the forgiving I fear but what may result of it." Belle blinked as though to offset her tears. "What if...what if I am not strong enough?"
"You are." Killian insisted. "The woman I saw that night, the woman who save me, saved the world from the Dark One? She's one and the same with the you, you are NOW." One last touch of her cheek, before he dropped his hand to his side. "The woman you've grown into, would NEVER invite him back into our lives."
"But….."
"Doesn't mean you might not think of it, and rightfully fear it. But the fact that it leaves you so worried? That alone is enough for me to know you won't ever make that particular mistake again. But..." He smirked then. "If you really need the added incentive...there's plenty of stories to be had. And not just from me. There's a whole town full of people I'm sure are just willing to spill every dirty detail of Rumplestiltskin's misdeeds."
"Can I at least START with you?" She simply wasn't ready to face the rest of the town, simply wasn't ready to open herself up to their stories. But with Killian it was different, as impossible as it sounded. Despite what they had done, or maybe because of it, she felt a connection to him. It didn't mean it wasn't still incredibly difficult to look at him, to even be near him, and it certainly wouldn't help with keeping her all too vivid memories at bay. Maybe nothing would on that front. Maybe there would always exist a certain awkward kind of tension around him.
"If that is what you truly be wishing for..."
That phrasing gave her pause, Belle realizing she didn't know what she truly was wishing for. Rumplestiltskin to have loved her more than his power, or for Belle to have never been fooled by him in the first place. Both would have spared her so much hurt, and both would have left her life drastically altered.
"Belle?"
"It is." She said with an abrupt finality. "I want to know EVERYTHING. So that he can NEVER hurt me again, and so that he can NEVER use me again."
Whatever the pirate might have said in response to that was lost to the sound of the front doors creaking open. Belle reacted automatically, calling out in a firm voice that the library was still closed. She was looking at Killian as Belle said this, the beauty noticing the way HE had turned to look at the intruder. She saw the way that his eyes widen slightly, saw the way that he seemed to pale, and then he was flashing his most charming of smiles in an attempt to cover his reaction.
"Swan." He said, stepping forward to greet the savior. "What brings you here?"
"I was hoping to find you here."Emma Swan said in reply. Belle frowned as she turned, wondering what possible reason could Emma have had to think that Killian would be found at the library of all places. "The both of you actually."
"The both of us!?" A puzzled Belle exclaimed, watching as Emma drew close to Killian, and gave him a quick kiss as greeting. "Why? What need could you possibly have that would require the help of both of us?"
"It's not so much me that needs the helping but THEM." Emma had stepped away from the pirate, to reach for something hidden inside her jacket. The small object that she brought out, was a small, fairly ordinary looking hat box. Belle frowned even more to see it, and out the corner of her eye, she noticed the tense way in which Killian had stiffened at the sight of it.
"That's no ordinary hat box, is it…." She stated.
"It bloody well isn't!" His agitation made him snap out the words, Emma putting a calming hand on his arm. "That thing holds the Sorcerer's hat."
"Okay..." Belle said slowly. "So why bring it here to the library?"
"Well..." Emma shared a quick look with her boyfriend, Killian. "I know we haven't gotten a chance to talk about this..." She said to him in an apologetic tone. "But I have been thinking about how you said you wanted to find a way to free those trapped within the hat..."
"Trapped in the hat?!" Belle exclaimed, a tad excited. "You mean there is a chance they might still be alive?"
"Regina thinks so." The savior explained. "Not that she is an authority on the sorcerer or his magic, but what she believes is that since the Dark One's spell was interrupted before it was completely cast, the lives inside the hat haven't been expended yet."
"So there's a chance that they could be saved?!" Belle was looking back and forth between Killian and Emma. "That's wonderful!"
"Only there's a problem."
"Of course there is." Killian muttered gruffly. "There bloody always is."
Emma fixed him with a look. "With Gold AND the fairies gone, there's not many authorities on magic left to this town...Certainly there isn't one who is as familiar with the more ancient and powerful magics…."
"So not even Regina can help us..."
"Regina might not be able to, but you two can." Emma quickly said.
"Us?!" The pirate and the princess exclaimed in startled unison. They shared a look, both their brows furrowed from their frowns.
"You two stand together as the premier authorities on ancient magics, powers even Regina hasn't dreamt of tasting. Killian, your long vendetta against the Dark One, has led you across countless realms for the last few hundred years. You've quested first hand for any and all magic that might have helped you to achieve your revenge."
"Well I do know a thing or two about magic..." He admitted with a chuckle. "And Belle?"
Emma looked at her now. "No one is better at research than you. You've helped us time and time again, when Gold couldn't, or wouldn't lift a finger. For someone with no known magic, you are remarkably adept at finding the right spell or charm."
"I..I suppose..." She said uncertainly, feeling an embarrassed warmth flare in response to Emma's words. To the praising tone of the savior. It was a sad fact that Belle just wasn't used to most people acknowledging that she had worth beyond her pretty face. And it was an even sadder fact to have it be realized by Emma, by a woman Belle had helped to secretly hurt. Images assaulted her now, Belle remembering Killian, his naked body under hers, and it had been more than just sex that had seemingly betrayed Emma. It had been feelings itself, Belle in her guilt, giving herself permission to wonder for the first time, just what Killian had meant, and just what could have been the cause of a heartless man feeling so strongly, what could have made him feel at all.
She didn't dare think of herself as special. Didn't dare put herself as something more to the pirate. Their limited history had been volatile at best, and never until today, had a true kind word been shared between them. There had been no soft feelings, no warmth and affection. There had only been anger and hurt, accusations and vengeance, the push and pull of hate and loathing that would—should have never resulted in the kind of intimacy that had been enjoyed. It wasn't just sex that had happened, and it wasn't just Killian feeling. It was Belle, the woman having found herself caught in passion's grip, every sweet kiss and tender touch a betrayal of the worst kind. Because they hadn't just been using each other, they had been enjoying each other.
She remembered every touch, every crazed and ardent kiss. Belle was mortified by the affection that they had both shown, by that wild passion that had translated into an urgency of the most desperate kind. It had skirted the edge, veered past the dispassionate fucking the beauty would have preferred. If he had used her, if she had used him, if they had both abused and degraded one another, the sex could have just been sex. And not the lovemaking it had actually evolved into.
Belle couldn't meet Emma's eyes any more than she could the pirate's. Because she had tasted something she was never meant to have. Had seen with her own eyes, had felt with her own body, what it felt like to be made love to by the pirate. She knew his face, Belle now knew his moans, Killian showing her the side that should have only belong to Emma. It was something precious that had been taken, something that Belle couldn't give back. She couldn't even try, the knowledge of it haunting her. Belle would forever look with guilt at Emma, would forever be burdened by the betrayal she had done the savior.
"Great!" The smile was dazzling for it's rareness, the savior then stepping closer to Belle. Emma was already pushing the hat box into the beauty's unresisting hands, Belle's brow furrowing in confusion for one moment more.
"Great?" Belle echoed, looking down at the small box that she now clutched her fingers around. It was all smooth metal, a gleaming gold color with a midnight sky etched across the top most part of it. There was a small sprinkling of white stars glinting in that painted sky, but otherwise the box itself was unremarkable. Ordinary even. There was also no discernable way to OPEN it, and even folded in on itself, a hat wouldn't have been able to truly fit inside it. It was really quite strange, and that reeked of it's magic, the box trying to hide how special it was by pretending to be anything but.
"You'll need that." Emma was saying. "If you're going to stand any chance of solving it's mysteries..."
"Solving it's mysteries..." It was then that it hit her, Belle realizing Emma was assuming that the beauty had agreed to help. She couldn't think of a way to wiggle out of it, couldn't think of a reason why she would not want to help the fairies. "Fine...fine..." Belle abruptly said, clutching the box to her chest. "But I work best ALONE."
"As do I." Emma fixed Killian with a pointed look, the man then sighing. "Or at least I used to..." He amended with a sigh. "Sorry, still too new to this whole thing of having people I can rely on for help."
"It's why you get into trouble." Emma admonished. "Trying to do everything on your own. But it's time that you realize you don't have to be on your own anymore. That BOTH of you don't have to be alone anymore." She had turned back to Belle now. "Gold is not here anymore to hold you back. To hold either of you back. You can finally put him in the past where he belongs, and I can think of no better way to stick it to him, then to help right his wrongs."
"Well..." She was still hesitating, Belle casting a quick glance at Killian. She made sure not to meet his eyes, unable to bare what she might see in that bold blue gaze of his.
Emma followed that line of sight, and sighed in response. "Look...I know you and Killian have a rough history together."
"That's putting it mildly." Belle muttered, and hope she wasn't starting to blush. Killian's lips twitched with his strained amusement, but Emma didn't seem to notice.
"But he's changed. Killian is not the same man who had once tried to kill you..."
"Twice." Belle absentmindedly corrected. "He had tried to kill me twice..."
"I really am sorry about that." added the man in question. "And I really do want to make amends for what I have done. For ALL I have done..." He sighed then. "Even if I was under the crocodile's control, now that I have my heart back, their screams haunt me. Lots of things haunt me."
She had made the mistake of looking up at that, Belle freezing in place at the intent way he was looking at her. His eyes seemed to bore into her, some kind of message attempting to convey itself between them. Belle slowly licked her lips, watched the way he focused on that nervous action.
"They haunt me too…." She whispered out her confession. Belle saw the acknowledging look in his eyes, Killian giving the slightest nod of his head that Emma seemed oblivious to. Belle almost choked on a startled, strangled souund then, to realize the savior was JUST like her, the blissfully ignorant woman she had once been.
The guilt hit her harder then ever, Belle breaking away to turn her back on the savior and her boyfriend. "All right." She said in a shaky tone of voice. "For the sake of putting aside the past, and for the sake of freeing every last person trapped inside that hat, I WILL work with you, Killian."
"You really will?!" Emma exclaimed. "That's great! Thank you, Belle! I just know that working together you two will be able to do it!"
Belle couldn't share in the savior's enthusiasm. Or her hope, Belle instead worrying, wondering just how she was going to survive the coming days. The possible weeks that would follow, the beauty forced to spend endless hours with the pirate. She didn't know how she was going to endure, how she was going to manage when she could barely LOOK at him without remembering. She didn't know how, but Belle also knew she was going to have to somehow TRY.
To Be Continued…
Well..this chapter didn't go entirely like how I had imagined. First I had a real hard time getting it started, and ended up trashing like a page worth of crap. Glad I tackled the Belle POV in a slightly different angle. But also, I had imagined they would be more antagonistic to one another, but when I wrote it out, it ended up more friendly. Then when Emma came in, I had a LOT of trouble trying to write out the scene where Emma tries to get Belle to work with Killian to free the fairies and whoever else is stuck in the hat.
So I have mixed feelings about this one. X_X And no real idea whose POV it will be for the next chapter. ^^''
Laters…
-Michelle
Jewelzy, thank you. That makes you and me both who liked the rewrite of eight! XD I swear, sometimes my brain just wants to put out absolute crap, before I can fix it and write the true chapter. X_X
