"You know why."
It echoes in her mind over and over again.
"You're nothing, but not to me."
She isn't nothing despite what her parents did.
Her parents.
Blackness grips her heart and Rey clenches her fists to her chest.
Why couldn't they love her? Why was belonging never where she thought it should be?
Why has everyone pushed her away or tried to use her? The legendary hero Luke Skywalker was nothing but a broken man who broke his nephew. Even the rebellion needed her towards an end... and while Finn was her first true friend, the first person to actually come back for her and care if she lived or died, Ben was the first to peer into her very soul and want her despite all the terrible things that hid there. All the things she had done to survive. All the lies. All the pain. He's peered into her very soul, and her into his.
And they've chosen to run towards each other, instead of away.
He desperately wants her. Putting everything on the line to understand her and win her as an ally.
Not only that…
"You know why."
He wants more than an ally.
She can feel it and she's afraid. Not of his want… but hers. She's never felt such a thing for anyone or anything. She's only ever wanted her parents to return and to survive. When she met Finn, she wanted to protect her new friends. But this feeling… It wasn't like the warm, secure, loyal comradery feeling she felt with Finn. This feeling was dangerous and hungry. It makes her body tingly and hot.
She sighs and rolls over burying her head under a firm grey pillow.
Focus. Is this truly my place? Her head hurts thinking about it. It certainly seems like she's at least meant to be here now in this moment. Rey supposes the rest will play out as the force sees fit.
But her mind wont cease. Her life-long comfort mechanisms are gone.
"I'll come back for you sweetheart, I promise." It had all been a lie hadn't it? Something she told herself to give herself a reason to live. Rey rolls and rolls in bed desperate for sleep…
"I'm not a monster."
How many times had he said that to himself, alone in his room after hearing and feeling his parents' worry and fear over him. Alone with the voice that told him they could never love him the way he was.
Was it all a lie? Was it Snoke all along? If the voice was not there, would things have turned out any differently?
He hasn't had the time to stop and truly think about it. And now, painfully alone in his quiet, antiseptic chamber, the man who calls himself Kylo Ren is assailed by his doubts, his demons and his memories.
Cold dread fills him. Ren rips his outer shirt away and punches a wall, denting the durasteel. He collapses on his long, narrow bed clutching his aching fist as terror and rage build in his chest. His illusions have been torn away, how can he face it? He can't stand to feel it!
Stars! His parents! They could sense it couldn't they? There actually was something monstrous in their son. Luke was their last hope, and he failed spectacularly. It was all HIS fault! Why couldn't Luke save him? Why could no one see what was truly happening? Why could no one see Ben?
Ren rolls into a ball and pulls at his hair…
Then the sound is sucked out of the room.
A warm presence manifests at his back and his bed bends under a new weight.
Back to back their minds ease. Desperate relief covers them like a heavy warm blanket, giving their tattered minds a break. Their tears dry. Their breathing slows. They are not alone. They are being understood. They have a purpose… together.
He wants to ask her a million questions. Did she mean what she said in the castle? Had she dreamed of him even as a child? How were they linked? How did the force connection come to be? Was it always there? Or did it come to life in the interrogation room on Star Killer base? Was this destiny? Was she the tiny voice he heard whimpering in his dreams as a teenager at Luke's temple? The little girl he would comfort in his dreams? The one he thought was just a representation of himself, a manifestation of his own loneliness and sense of betrayal? Was she real? Did he wish her into being?
So many questions but sleep quickly claims them both.
Rey dreams of the little boy again.
Little Ben is maybe 10 years old. He sits in white robes at a little desk, jotting on scraps of paper with a long quill and giggling to himself as he makes bits of paper zoom around and bounce off each other. He has big ears, short cut black hair and a goofy grin. She smiles at his joy, but soon a mass of darkness appears at his shoulder. The boy's joy is sucked away by a monster whispering terrible things in his ear.
His little papers catch fire. He gasps and pushes away from the desk, afraid of himself, panting and confused and frightened.
Rey won't stand for it.
She rushes forward wrapping the panicking child in her arms.
"NO," he cries, "Who are you? Stop! I'll hurt you! Make it stop! The fire, there's a fire. I don't know what I did. Run lady, I don't want to hurt you!"
"You won't hurt me Ben. You didn't do this. The bad man did, it wasn't you kid."
He continues to struggle in her arms, confused and terrified.
"Mom will kill me," he cries. "Mom and dad will kill me, they'll send me away. They'll have me locked up. Why am I bad?" he sobs, "Why am I bad?"
Rey's heart shatters. She holds him tightly as she shutters with repressed sobs of her own.
"You're not bad," she repeats over and over again, her voice cracking. Rey envelopes him in light, willing him to hear and believe her words. He starts to calm, his sobs reduce to whimpers.
"It's not your fault Ben."
Then she's filled with rage.
"It's him. Can you see it? Look Ben, it's not you. It's that thing."
And little Ben sees it for the first time. He gasps. "What Is it, what is it?" He cries.
"That's the real monster, not you."
"Make it go away!"
She intends to.
It grows menacingly before them, like black smoke towering to the ceiling of his room. Little Ben shakes with fear in her arms.
"Be brave Ben. I've got you."
"I can't fight it."
"You can. You're not alone. I'll help you."
Indeed. Indeed. "Concentrate Ben. Tell it to go."
"I can't," he cries miserably.
"You can. Feel my strength. You're strong too. So strong Ben, you have no idea. Tell it to go away and never come back."
"Ok," comes his tiny voice. "I'll try."
Finally calming in her arms, little Ben closes his eyes and scrunches his face in concentration.
"Go away," he whispers.
Suddenly the darkness whips around them like a storm, blowing them down to the ground. Evil and dread surround them. "Miiine," a malevolent hiss says.
"I've got you!" Rey shouts into the wind, Ben still tight in her arms. He throws out an arm and shouts, "Leave me alone!"
She feels it. The darkness like a parasite is anchored to the boy's mind. She closes her eyes and can sense the black thread sunk deep in his psyche.
"Ben! The string, do you feel it?"
She shows him the image in her mind and together they focus on it.
"Rip him out!" Rey screams.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screams.
The monster roars in a rage!
And then, it's gone. The thread snaps. The winds vanish. The sense of evil dissipates. When Rey opens her eyes her and little Ben are in an all-white room, seemingly endless in every direction. He's still clinging to her on the ground. They both look around shocked and curious.
"What is this place?" comes his little voice.
"I don't know," says Rey.
He looks back up to her.
"Who are you?" he asks.
She gives him a small smile.
"I'm Rey."
Ben looks at her with watery eyes and lunges back at her, wrapping his arms around her neck in a fierce hug.
"Thank you, Rey," he says.
Everything starts to change again. The boy grows, his aura is all around her. When Rey opens her eyes again, she's back in her dark, metallic room on board Ren's ship, on the thin bunk mattress, with a fully-grown Ben Solo draped crushingly over her body, his face tucked into her neck which she feels slick with the wet of tears. She can only see the top of his shaggy mop of jet black hair.
He huffs and tightens his grip around her and awareness courses through her body. Instinctually, and with one free hand, Rey's fingers work their way into his curls in comforting strokes.
"Rey, Rey," he rumbles and the sound sends shivers down her spine. The weight of him is heavy but delicious, comforting and warm. Safe! She feels safe with him all around her like this.
His hair is thick and soft, his breath hot on her neck. She massages his scalp and feels the tension melting away. His taut muscles relax, his breathing slows, his lips brush her throat as he whispers.
"Stay with me."
And it's like this that they fall asleep again.
Rey startles awake in her bleak room. Alone.
Was that… a dream? Impossible. It was too real!
She feels his turmoil in the force. Rey flings her thin blanket away and grabs her boots on the ground where she kicked them off in the night. The door slides open with a pneumatic hiss as Rey marches down the dark halls, her footsteps echoing in the dim, sleep cycle lighting. Again she feels a roiling of volatile emotions from within and her pulse quickens.
Rey turns the corner into the strategy room and immediately gasps, nearly running into a dark blob that is a hulking Ben Solo.
She takes a step back and he stands, fists opening and closing at his side. His hair is wild, his expression vulnerable. He wears a black tank and his tight black high waisted pants, with suspenders hanging down on either side of him. He's covered in a sheen of sweat, and Rey, heart racing, notes the circular scar in his shoulder where she stabbed him on Star Killer, and the dip of her slash down his collar bone, more stark now than their shared vision on Luke's island…
"It's quiet," he says, startling Rey out of her observations.
"What?"
"In my head," he says lowly, a hand rising to his temple. "For the first time in my life. It's quiet."
She looks stunned. What does he mean? Has that sinister voice always been there? Was it real?
"What did you do?" he asks gravely, lowering his hand and piercing her with his gaze.
Rey takes a few minutes to compose her warring thoughts, trying to remember the details of the dream. She closes her eyes and speaks.
"There was something… attached to you. It was unnatural. I think it may have been there for a very long time."
He stands chest heaving, looking lost and verging on losing control.
"It was Snoke," he whispers. Then something important occurs to him and his face shoots up.
"That means…"
Ben's eyes go wide, and he runs to the cockpit past Rey, who turns and follows. He starts punching in commands, resetting their coordinates.
"He knows where we are," Ren growls.
Rey's blood runs cold.
She runs up beside him, bumping his shoulder as they look over the instruments. The ship shutters and they lurch forward as they fall out of hyperspace. A brown world is small in the distance.
"Where are we?"
"Jeddah. The civilization destroyed for its Kyber decades ago. But there are unexplored cave systems here. Kyber documented by scouts just a few years ago…"
He trails off as a low beeping grows louder. A holo-projection comes to life before them.
"A ship just came out of hyperspace," Rey says startled.
"It's her," he says, face expressionless.
Rey gulps, kicking herself mentally. "I should have blasted her ship as we left."
But there's no time for regret.
Ren is busy at the console, pulling up star charts and mumbling to himself.
"Is there somewhere else we can go?"
He just growls. Warning lights and alarms go off.
"A destroyer!" Rey yells. It's much closer than the Sith woman's ship. She must have spotted them and called for backup.
Ren grunts a half curse, commanding the steering and wheeling the ship around.
"Weapons! There!" He shouts pointing to the far end of the long control console. Rey flings herself into a seat, shoving on head sets and pulling up controls. This is more advanced than she's used to using but she figures it out fast enough.
"How long before we can jump?"
"Two minutes!"
Just then a contingent of Tie fighters launches from the Destroyer and they're closing in fast. Ren takes them as fast as they can go before lightspeed and Rey's weapons light up the inky darkness of space as the Ties descend upon them. The shuttle yawns and dives and turns in ways almost unnatural for its bulky frame.
The Sith woman's voice comes drifting silkily over a backup communication channel as they dive and swerve and fire.
"Surrender now and I may show you mercy Ren. I'm certain the Supreme Leader would be happier to kill you himself."
"Still hoping for a goodbye fuck eh Sama?"
The woman hisses curses in half a dozen languages before Ren slams his fist into the panel.
"You missed a channel," he shouts in Rey's direction as he takes them into a perilous spinning loop.
"At least we have life support!" Rey yells back, firing at an advance of Ties that are spinning into a line as they try to keep up with Ren's maneuvers, making them easy targets for Rey's canons.
"Woohoo!" She shouts, taking out five at once.
She looks back at Ren who has a smirk on his face and she beams, adrenaline pumping. They work together in a space battle just as well as they did on the ground with their lightsabers. Of course, Han Solo's son would be one of the greatest pilots in the galaxy. She's never seen anyone fly like this, not in real life anyways. The force flows between them, coordinating their movements. It's exhilarating!
Just then, another Destroyer blinks into existence and they dead dive straight down the side, roaring past the bridge making the officers within duck for cover.
"Woah! Did they send the entire First Order after you?"
"10 seconds!" Ben shouts instead.
Another wave of fighters come their way! Ben must clear them in order to make the jump without them being obliterated!
There's no time to go around!
"What are you doing!?" Rey screams as Ben heads straight towards the approaching swarm. Blaster fire rains upon them, the craft shutters, the shields whine and warp with the onslaught, warning alarms sound, it won't hold long!
"Beeeeennnnn!"
And then they're through, bursting past the Tie fighter swarm they emerge on the other side just as they launch into hyperspace.
A breath. And then another. Alive? We're alive?
Rey can't believe it, but the stretching blue streaks of starlight confirm they've successfully made the jump. Then she looks over to see an incredible sight. Ben is smiling. Smiling! After all that. A low guffaw exits his mouth, followed by real to force laughter.
Stars, I broke Kylo Ren. Rey thinks incredulously.
Then she hears it.
Free! He thinks. He's never felt so free, so unburdened, untethered, so himself. Never ever. He can feel without fear and he doesn't remember having this sensation his entire life, even as a child. So free! Was this what it was like to be like everyone else? If things were different, could he have been the son they always wanted?
The joyous sounds catch in his throat, suddenly dead. It was all taken from him, and everyone who was supposed to help him had failed him. Proven their weakness. The bitterness in his heart continues to drive him. He'll destroy Snoke, avenge himself and then… then he'll make the galaxy as he saw fit. With Rey by his side.
He looks up from where he's still sitting and sees her approaching, reaching out a tentative hand in concern.
Everyone failed to save him… until her. And he won't be without her.
He stands suddenly, towering over her and Rey stumbles back in surprise.
A warm hand at her lower back braces her fall, instead pulling her forward until she hits his chest with an oomf. She opens her eyes and sees she's bracing herself with one arm across his chest between them and one hand on his pec.
She freezes eyes wide as her mind whites out leaving nothing but the awareness of his big warm body and the intensity in his eyes which capture her like a tractor beam…
The "dream" is still fresh, remembering his body against hers and the feel of his lips at her neck and his whispered plea for her to stay. For him, the overwhelming awe and gratitude and vulnerability are still raw. She was his savior in his deepest darkest pain. How was any of this possible? But more importantly, what would they do about it now? How would they survive long enough to explore what this truly is?
Resolve settles in his chest. They need as much knowledge as possible if they were going to take on Snoke together and live.
"Come," he says softly and the word reverberates in his chest and she feels it in her bracing arms.
He lets go gently and walks back to the strategy room. Rey follows slowly, almost shyly, willing her racing heart to settle. She admonishes herself for longing for his touch.
Ben gathers the Jedi texts that have been strewn about the ship in the melee.
"We need to know what this connection is. How it works. And we need to know how to defeat Snoke."
That catches Rey's attention. She stands straighter, more focused.
Yes. Defeat the real monster, she thinks.
She grabs one of the texts from Ben and settles on the opposite end of the long black table.
"Where are we going now?" She asks as she gingerly opens the tattered pages.
Ben thinks a moment then locks eyes with her again.
"Where they'll never suspect I'd go."
