Ch. 9. 'Muse Me Orpheus (Ashley's Earth)
I'm not entirely sure how long I've been sitting in this booth. I'm guessing a while. I've got that pens and needles feeling in my left leg from sitting on it and an empty pint in front of me. I'm starting to doze a little, so I'm sure it must be after one. I should leave but I don't want to.
It's been a long day. A long night. I just want to sleep. Let the world revolve around this nightmare for one more day. I know Cicero will let me stay here, wouldn't be the first time. He's been kind enough to spare me words these last few hours, but I can tell he's itching to put his two cents in.
I'm pretty sure I want to let him. But I won't just tell him that. And at this point he won't just offer it up. We've done this dance before, Cicero and I. He's had more practice so he's a better leader, but I've picked up a few tricks. I'll beat out my own rhythm, to my own song in my head. He's too old to keep time and he knows it. It's a sloppy drunken beat but it's working for now.
I've got this nice spin going like Ixion. This swing kicks me back to another time, another day in Thrace. It was the first time I spent the night in the bar. I was a wide eyed 22 year old on the verge of change and I was scared to death; and running. Hmm, running, I think I'm starting to see a pattern here.
"Cicero," I banged on his door that night. "Cic, let me in please."
"Ashley, what on Earth its 4 am."
"I need to talk to you."
"Come in come in," He said in that fatherly way he has. "What's going on."
"Spencer."
"What about her?" He asked, "Is she okay."
"Fine she's fine. She's, it's, she just, I mean, I dunno, I wanna. I just"
"Ashley calm down. You're not making any sense."
"I'm sorry Cic, It's just—I'm a little—I mean I can't—she wants—I don't know if I—Cic I'm freaking out."
"I can see that," He chuckled.
"Not funny. Not helping. At all."
"Well if you would give me some adjectives I could try to help you."
"I'm sorry—I just can't quite get the words out of the back of my mouth."
"Just take your time. I'll get you a drink."
"Cic, I love her so much."
"I know you do Ash."
"But she's talking about something I'm not sure I can handle."
"Well, tell me about it."
"She wants us to move in together, after the tour."
"Yes, and."
"She wants us to be married."
"No she doesn't."
"Cicero!"
"Ashley, don't you think you're putting a little too much pressure on yourself?"
"No! Well, yes, maybe. I don't know."
"Why are you so afraid?"
"I don't know." He raised a quizzical eyebrow at me. "I don't! I'm not ready to be married."
"Did she ask you to marry her?"
"No, but she—"
"But nothing, Ashley. Just No. Full stop."
"Cicero, she wants to come on the tour with me."
"Well that's great. You'll be able to see if you can live together with out being bound."
"Cicero, she is going to give up everything she knows about life to come tour around the country with me."
"And you're not happy about this?"
"Cicero, do you realize how big that is."
"It's only as big as you make it."
"But Cic,"
"No but's Ashley. Full stop."
"I love her so much Cic but what if she hates life on a tour bus."
"Then she hates touring."
"But I can't let her give up her life."
"Will you stop trying to qualify her feelings?"
"Wha—I'm not trying."
"If she wants to do it. Let her do it. Don't try to control how much she loves you."
"I'm not I'm just—"
"No, just, full stop."
"Cic, you're suppose to be on my side. You were my friend first."
"I'm on the side of a happy stress free life." He smirked putting on some of his favorite music from the old country. I rolled my eyes at it. "If there's no reason to be all freaked out then don't be. Just relax and let life go."
"Cic, that's not helping. What if we break up and—"
"Ahh," He screamed. "You love Spencer full stop. No if's no just's no but's. Just full stop!"
"Yeah, but,"
"Ahhh. Full stop. No but. I hope something I've said tonight resonates in that thick head of yours. Just let the girl feel how she feels and be done with it."
"Will you turn that crap off?"
"Ah," He said hurt. "No. I love this music full stop." He walked over and turned the music up louder. My memory is so taking over me I can hear the music loud like it is happening now. And then I get it. He's playing that same cd again, and for a moment the spinning in my head is calmed by his lyre.
"Ashley, Clay's here to see you?"
My world stops spinning when I see the older Carlin before me. He doesn't say anything, just looks at me. I see it in his eyes, he doesn't have to say a word. let the girl feel how she feels Cicero's voice echo's in my head. I know what Clay wants. I know why he's here.
He turns on his heals and heads out the door.
I'm two steps behind.
He's half way up the stairs before I let mine follow him there.
I will not look behind this time.
I will not look back.
I will move forward.
I will not doubt.
I love Spencer. Full stop.
I will not look over my shoulder.
I take the final two steps at once. Eyes never leaving Clay's back.
I walk a little faster. Prouder at the resolution in me. Glad I only had the one pint. He's already knocking on the door.
I lose my breath for half a second but quickly regain confidence.
Spencer unlocks the door. My eyes never leave the knob.
Spencer locks it again.
But I don't budge.
Spencer unlocks the door again. And locks it.
I'm a rock this time, I will not look back.
Spencer unlocks and locks the door a third time.
My breath sputter, but my eyes stay focused.
Spencer unlocks and locks the door for the fourth time.
I reach out my hand to turn the handle but as I do, she locks the door a fifth time.
