Christina

David is angry, angrier than I've ever seen him.

He pulls himself out of his wheelchair, and grabs his walking stick, leaning on it.

He doesn't really need the wheelchair anymore but he says it helps him conserve energy.

"You have to get her away from Four. It's the only way."

I sigh.

How in the world am I supposed to do that?

"She doesn't want to stay with me. I tried. She's too busy playing house with Four and his girlfriend."

"So change it! Make her want to stay with you!" David's hands are shaking.

I glance at Matthew; I always bring him with me because I am afraid of David, though I will never admit that out loud.

"We need her to believe in everything we are doing here Christina. If you give her time to connect with Four that might give her time to connect with Johanna and we are losing our window of susceptibility!"

When David had given us all the information we needed to bring Tris back, he told us that there was a "window of susceptibility" where Tris could be swayed to a certain way of thinking but only in the beginning. Apparently that window was slipping away and it's all my fault.

"Okay. I'll try." I whisper.

I don't know why I always feel so small when he speaks to me.

"No. You'll do better than try, Christina. You'll do it!"

I nod.

"Make it impossible for her to stay with Four. Use Cara. Do whatever you have to."

I stand up and Matthew follows me to the door.

"Christina?" David says.

I turn to face him again.

"I don't blame you. This isn't your fault. This is what we're working towards. When you're genetically pure, mistakes like this won't happen. Don't worry. You bring Tris to me and I will fix all of it. I promise."

I swallow hard.

That's all I've ever really wanted.

Cara

Four has called me a total of five times in the last hour.

It's getting really late.

I know I should go back home or at least call.

Four insists the streets are dangerous at night but the GD rebel groups he is so worried about are harmless.

If they'd wanted to act, they would have by now.

Also, I was having trouble caring about what worried Four right now.

My whole world is falling apart at the seams and I am just supposed to accept it and move on but I can't.

No one seems to understand or respect that I am in love with Four.

Our relationship wasn't pretend or filler for me, it was everything.

Maybe I should've expected, always known, that this would happen but I was never treating our relationship as temporary because I didn't think that I had to.

My phone buzzes again and I contemplate picking up for a moment but what would I say?

I'm sorry for punching you in the face?

I'm not.

It's okay that you choose Tris?

It isn't.

There is nothing that I can say to him.

I've been walking through town for hours, stopping here and there to catch my breath or take a break.

I turn into an alley next, it is narrow and the small space calms me.

I stop walking for a moment, leaning against the concrete wall of the alley.

I've been feeling nauseous all day but who could blame me?

I am under a ridiculous amount of stress.

I lean over, willing myself not to throw up.

I haven't eaten much today other than some bread I'd picked up from the cart in the middle of town this morning.

Clearly, I am going to have to be a bit more selective of the things I choose to eat, especially when I'm dealing with things beyond my understanding, like Tris and Four.

I didn't think it was possible to hate someone more than I already hated stupid Tris, with her big nose and pretty skin and perfect hair… and then she slept with my boyfriend.

Hate is too light a word.

I lean against the wall, sighing heavily.

This nausea is familiar.

I remember feeling this even before Tris came back, back when we were just planning to bring her back.

I would lie in bed next to Four thinking about everything Christina said and I would get so scared that I would throw-up almost every morning.

Four thought I had the flu.

Maybe I did know that this would happen even back then, maybe that's why I was having this kind of reaction.

Not only is she divergent, beautiful and obnoxiously perfect, she also induces nausea. There should be a freaking infomercial.

"Cara?"

I turn around quickly and find myself face to face with Christina.

"Christina? What are you doing here?"

She shrugs.

"I needed to go for a walk and then I saw you turn in here. What are you doing here?"

I shrug.

"My apartment feels a little small right now."

Christina looks sympathetic.

"It must be really hard for you. You're trapped in the middle of this epic love affair."

"Thank you Christina. That makes me feel SO much better."

The sarcasm is dripping in my voice.

Christina holds up her hands in defense.

"I'm sorry. Candor roots, things tend to just slip out…I just feel really terrible for you. I liked you and Four together."

I frown.

It hadn't ever seemed that way, especially since she had been one of the ones telling Four he was entering into a relationship too soon when we first started dating.

"No you didn't." I say, wondering what her angle is.

She sighs.

"Sure I did, I just…didn't want everyone to forget Tris."

"Well you certainly got your wish." I roll my eyes.

No one would ever forget Tris.

Certainly not Four.

She sighs, "I think you're good for him. I really do."

"Well…thank you, I guess."

I cross my arms over my chest.

"You know…for what it's worth. I think he still loves you. You guys had four years together, that's more than Tris had with him. I think you still have a fighting chance."

I laugh.

Yeah.

That's what I'd thought.

Yet, Tris is in our apartment with Four and I am standing in an alley talking to Christina.

"Doubtful. Trust me."

"So that's it? You're just going to…let her win?"

I look at her, confused.

"Since when did you jump off the Tris Prior fan club bandwagon?"

She shakes her head.

"I didn't. I just…jumped off the Four and Tris bandwagon."

For some reason, that comment makes me wonder if I trust her.

This is coming out of nowhere; Christina is…or was supposedly 'Team Tris.'

What changed?

"Why?" I ask

"Look, I just think you're good for him and you shouldn't give up."

I nod.

"Okay. Thanks Christina, I guess."

She nods.

"Oh…can you do something for me?"

She reaches into her bag, and pulls out a tiny piece of paper and hands it to me.

"Can you give this to Tris? It's my phone number. She might not want to stay with me and that's fine but I'd still like to see her."

I hold the piece of paper in my hands.

I don't want to give Tris anything.

"I mean, the apartment might be too small for her too sometimes."

I pause, thinking.

If Tris was staying with Christina or even just hanging out with her, maybe I really did have a fighting chance.

Four and I haven't been alone together ever since she got here.

Maybe that's what we need.

Maybe I can get him to pay more than five seconds of attention to me again.

My stomach turns and I wrinkle my nose and clutch the wall next to me.

There it is again, the Tris-induced nausea.

Christ.

What is wrong with me?

Christina is staring at me when I finally look back up at her.

"You should try saltines." She says.

"What?" I say, confused.

"Saltines. Crackers." I stare at her, still confused.

"…If you're feeling nauseous." She continues. "…You are feeling nauseous right? Or…do you just gag all the time?"

I sigh, shrugging.

"I haven't been feeling that great. I've been sick for awhile…"

"Well, my mom used to eat saltines when she was pregnant with my sister. She said they really helped with morning sickness. I'm sure they help in general to settle your stomach."

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks.

Nauseous.

Pregnant.

Morning sickness.

No.

That would be insane.

No.

It can't be.

It can't possibly be.

I am suddenly counting backwards trying to remember my monthly cycles and why I haven't been more worried about this. I can't remember the last time I'd had one or the last time I'd bothered to track it.

Oh, dear god.

I can't be.

I just can't.

There's no way.

Four would have a conniption.

I think I might behaving a conniption.

But I am nauseous.

And I haven't had a cycle.

Oh god, am I?

I feel like I can't breathe, but I have to keep it together in front of Christina. S

he has no idea what she just helped me realize and I don't want her to put two and two together just yet.

So I just nod.

"Yeah…yeah I'm sure it's just um…" my mouth feels dry.

I lick my bottom lip.

"I'll give this to Tris." I say holding up the piece of paper with Christina's phone number on it.

She smiles.

"Okay. Thanks. See you around."

She makes her way in the opposite direction, as I feel my phone buzz for the seventh time.

Tobias/Four

Tris had fallen asleep hours ago and Cara still isn't home.

I've called her more times than I can count but she hasn't picked up.

Not once.

I pick up the phone and punch in her number again but I hear the door open before I get to the last number.

I jump up from the couch, turning towards the door.

Cara is just coming in the apartment; she slowly shuts the door like she's trying not to wake anyone.

I should be asleep but I can't without knowing where she is and that she's safe.

I care about her.

I still care about her.

She turns around, jumps when she sees me.

A hand goes up to her chest as she breathes a sigh of relief.

"Jesus Four! Wear a cat bell or something!" She reaches for the lamp next to the door and turns it on.

The living room is bathed in yellow light now.

I blink so my eyes can adjust.

I look over at her tilting my head a little.

"What?" she says, in an exasperated voice.

I hate the way she looks at me, like she hates me.

I have never seen this look before.

Not from her.

"You've been gone for hours." I shake my head.

She lets out a groan.

"I needed some time and air. This apartment feels like it's closing in on me." She looks away from me and I reach out for her hand without thinking about it.

"Where'd you go?"

She pulls her hand back from mine.

"Nowhere, I just walked around." She shrugs

I stare down at my hand for a moment.

She'd pulled hers away like it was hot poker.

I cross my arms.

This is so ridiculous.

She was part of the plot to bring Tris back.

I wouldn't go as far as to say she brought this upon herself but what had she thought was going to happen?

She knew how I felt.

She had to have known some version of this would happen.

Didn't she?

"I really never meant to hurt you, Cara. I really need you to understand that."

I pause for a moment.

"…and I need you to accept some responsibility. You've been playing the victim very well, Cara but you were still willing to bring Tris back-"

She lets out a little laugh, cutting me off.

"Yeah, you're right. It's my fault. It's my fault for thinking that you would ever choose me over perfect Tris Prior."

I close my eyes for a moment, trying not to get angry.

"You helped Christina and Matthew bring her back! You knew what that would do to me…what I went through! You knew everything, you knew more than anyone! And yet you still went along with it! How did you think I would feel? I love her! And I never stopped! And you knew that!"

I'm screaming now and I forget that Tris is sleeping.

"We didn't bring her back for you!" Cara screams back at me.

The realness of her words settles over me.

She is right.

They didn't bring her back for me.

Christina brought her back to use her to get what she wanted out of the uprising.

Shauna, Zeke, Cara, Matthew…they all rallied behind her because they thought it was the right thing to do.

No one brought her back with the intention of my happiness, or Tris'.

She shakes her head.

"…You weren't even supposed to know about it."

It hurts.

It hurts way too much that they were willing to keep this huge secret from me.

They were willing to keep Tris from me 'for the greater good.'

"You thought you could just bring her back, use her for what you needed and then hide her from me for the rest of forever?"

Cara licks her bottom lip and shrugs.

"I don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead."

I tilt my head. "Did you think…" I start, "…that we would get married and god forbid have children, while you hid Tris from me?"

Cara shrugs. "I knew you'd find out eventually. I just really didn't think you'd choose her."

I laugh, because this is unbelievable.

She is unbelievable.

"You're delusional." I shake my head.

"Stop! I'm not this terrible, awful person! Why do you think I told you? Because I hate lying to you, because I didn't want to hurt you…because I thought you should know! Christina made me swear and I told you anyway. I decided to trust that you would still choose me after everything we've been through."

She turns away, shaking her head.

"I love you, Four. But I will never be her and that's what the problem has always been."

I lean my head back, looking up at the ceiling.

"Why can't we just be friends? The way that we were?"

I do care about her, and we had been friends once. Real friends. Cara and I, why couldn't we be important to each other in a different way?

"Because life doesn't work that way, we can't just go back." She says, hurt lacing her voice.

She takes a step towards me, her hands reaching up to touch my face.

Cara, the girl who I have spent four years with.

Her touch is familiar and comforting but it's not the same.

With Tris, everything feels electric. Fiery.

This, with Cara, it just feels normal.

It feels like settling.

She matches my gaze and then slides one hand on my cheek.

"Humor me." She says softly.

She leans up and her lips press against mine and I feel what I always feel when I kiss Cara.

It is nice, comforting.

She is warm.

But she's not Tris.

She pulls away, her eyes still closed for a moment and I can tell that the small kiss had meant something to her far beyond what it had meant to me.

Her eyelids flutter open, her hands are still on my face.

She's looking at me, trying to read my reaction and I feel guilty for what she probably finds there.

She drops her hands, looking defeated.

"There was really nothing for you in that, was there?"

I let out a breath.

"I'm sorry, Cara."

She nods slowly.

"So that's it, then?" she asks, her voice sounds so small.

I don't know.

I don't know how to let her go but my heart belongs to Tris and Cara deserves more than that.

I raise my shoulders just a little.

Her bottom lip starts to tremble and I wish that I didn't have to face this.

I don't want to hurt her.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

She opens her mouth to say something and then closes it again, chewing on her bottom lip.

Then she reaches up and wraps her arms around me and rests her cheek on my chest.

I'm confused at first and then I realize that this is her way of saying goodbye to me.

I reach my arms around her, resting my hands on her back, my chin on the top of her head.

I can feel her shoulders start to shake as she starts to cry and this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I am barely keeping it together.

I stroke her hair lightly.

Cara, my sweet, faithful Cara who had saved me from myself more times that I can count.

I pull back so that I can see her face.

The pain is there clear as day and I wish she was still angry because that was easier than this.

"Cara..." I say softly.

She shakes her head, tears falling onto her t-shirt.

"It's okay. You were honest." She says so quietly I barely hear it.

"You were happy though right?" She sniffs.

"At some point, you were happy with me?"

I think for a moment because I want to be 100% honest with her right now.

I think back to all the moments she saved me from myself when I thought I couldn't survive without Tris.

All the moments when she watched me burn dinner and never said a thing about it.

Were we happy?

I smile a little.

"Cara. I could never explain to you how important you are to me. You wouldn't understand. You made life worth living again and I could never thank you enough for that."

She sighs and then wipes her eyes, nodding.
"I'm so tired. I think I just need to sleep for awhile."

I nod, "Of course. Are you alright?"

She looks up at me and then shrugs. "I don't know. I really need to talk to you but now's not the time."

"Okay. In the morning then." I say, nodding. I give her a small smile.

She forces one back to me and then she moves over to the couch to set up her bed for the night.

Cara

The two little pink lines are taunting me.

It's early.

Tris and Four are both asleep and I am locked in the bathroom.

This is the third test I've taken and they all say the same thing.

Pregnant.

I am pregnant.

There are clearly no if's ands or buts' about it.

I am up a creek without a paddle.

How poetic.

Four and I officially break up last night and this morning, I verify that I'm carrying his child.

When did my life become this?

I lean against the sink, trying to think.

I am still so in love with him but there is nothing I can do.

I can't fight him on it and I am tired of competing against Tris and the pedestal he has her on.

Not to mention Four's clear stance on children.

He wants none of them.

I don't know how this happened.

We were so careful.

Always.

I don't know how I didn't notice that this was happening.

How could I not know my own body?

I stare at the tests, the six pink lines staring back at me.

How was I supposed to tell him that his biggest fear was about to come true with the girl he was no longer in love with?

For a brief, barely there, fleeting moment I imagine a world where he would stay with me because of this child.

I realize quickly that I don't want him if I win him by default.

There is a knock on the bathroom door.

I freeze.

Who is up this early?

I stay quiet, pressing my back against the sink.

There is another knock.

"Cara?"

Four.

It's Four.

I can't see him right now.

I'll fall apart on the spot.

"Uh…yeah! I'll be out in a second!"

My voice sounds shaky.

I scramble around trying to scoop up all the different tests and the boxes they'd come in.

How am I going to leave the bathroom with all of these stupid things in my hand without him noticing?

Damn it.

He raps his knuckles against the door again.

"Cara? Are you okay in there?"

"Fine, fine! Just uh…" I throw the boxes into the trash can with the tests and cover it all up with a mound of toilet paper.

I open the door, looking flushed.

"Yeah, I just…felt a little sick is all." I brush a strand of hair out of my face.

Four raises his eyebrows at me.

"Oh. Well, do you need anything?" He asks.

He is being so genuine and it takes everything in me not to break down and tell him everything right there.

"No." I cross my arms over my chest.

I am so nervous that I can barely look him in the eye.

"Even if I did, why would I ask you? You're not my boyfriend, remember?"

He looks taken aback. I am being mean and he thought we were passed this part.

"Okay, Cara." He says, emphasizing the "Oh" in okay.

"I'm going to shower, you okay with that?"

I nod.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?"

"I…don't know." He pauses tilting his head.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I nod.

"Of course."

"Okay." He looks like he doesn't quite believe me but thankfully he lets it go.

"I have to go into work. I was planning on taking Tris with me, so you'll have the place to yourself."

I chew on my bottom lip.

"Oh how adorable." My voice sounds snotty and hostile. I don't even recognize it but the words just keep coming out.

"A work date. Have a good time." I smile, sarcastically.

He sighs.

"It's not-" He pauses running a hand through his hair.

"Are you going do this forever?"

"Do what?" I ask, playing as dumb as I can manage.

"Punish me with your silly little attitude. I don't know how many other ways I can tell you I'm sorry."

I watch him for a moment, there is a bruise forming on his chin where I hit him yesterday.

I let out a breath.

"I'm sorry I hit you."

"What?" He asks confused.

"I said I'm sorry that I hit you."

"Oh…" He reaches a hand up to absently touch the bruise.

"Thank you. I appreciate that."

I reach up and poke him hard, right in the bruise.

"Ow! What the hell, Cara?"

"I apologized. Did it make the bruise go away? Did it make it hurt less?"

He shakes his head as my point dawns on him.

"I don't know what you want from me."

He pushes past me to move into the bathroom and I stand outside praying the toilet paper I'd used to hide the tests doesn't shift.