Matt just looked at the woman who stood in front of him. The woman he'd known more of his life than the time before she walked into it. But she didn't smile at him, not with her eyes anyway. A small smile curved on her lips but didn't get further than that.
"You want to come inside?"
She nodded and walked in the door as he watched and proceeded to the couch where she sat, folding her legs beneath her looking at him.
"You want anything to drink?"
She shook her head still looking at him, her eyes not leaving his and he approached her sitting in a nearby chair.
"So what do you need to tell me?"
She sighed, looking down at her hands and he thought she might lose her resolve. But when she looked at him, she had a way of gathering strength. Still, she hadn't talked about this with anyone.
"What did you mean when you said earlier that you weren't okay when you returned to the barn?"
She bit her lip looking at him, because she knew that the first words were always the hardest after all.
Then she took a deep breath exhaling it slowly, willing her body to relax. The man in front of her was her best friend after all.
"I was fine at first….after we went into the storm shelter," she said, "We listened to the storm raging outside, the wind blowing, the hail and then…that it all went deadly quiet, you know how it gets before a tornado touches."
Matt nodded, having witnessed more than his share of them. But he knew that once they had gotten beneath ground level, then they were out of danger.
"The storm lasted but a short spell," he said, "you were gone quite a bit longer than that."
C.J. fidgeted with her hands.
"Yeah Houston I know but it rained for quite a while after that and we both decided to wait it out in the shelter and then head on back."
She stopped there, looking down at her hands in front of her. Her shoulders shook slightly.
"That was the plan anyway but…"
Matt leaned forward looking straight at her which wasn't easy because she had lowered her head.
"So what happened next…did he…."
She got up then off the sofa and headed to the French doors looking out into where the wind had picked up its intensity. The leaves of the lush plants on the roof rustled and she felt the warm moist air strike her face. Then she felt rather than saw him standing next to her, so she turned to look at him.
"I don't know why it happened Houston," she said, "I asked myself that question so many times afterward."
"What happened?"
She sighed and pursed her lips as she exhaled.
"I…he…"
She pressed her forehead against the door collecting her thoughts as her breathing threatened to get away from her. She felt his soothing touch on her back.
"I didn't say no to him…at least not at first," she said, "when he started kissing me."
His hand froze on her back and she thought she'd told him too much, but she felt his warmth through her clothes so she knew he was still there.
"I felt attracted to him…I guess I'd been for a while even if I didn't admit it," she said, "so at first, I just let him…"
He didn't interrupt her.
"I know I shouldn't have…"
He sighed next to her.
"No he shouldn't have…you were younger…"
"I know…"
She felt his hand rubbing her back again in a way that had always soothed her, had helped her find the courage to find her words.
"But then you decided you didn't want him to do what he was doing."
She hesitated but then she finally nodded slowly.
"Yes but it was too late…he wasn't listening."
Matt sighed.
"He should have been if he cared at all about you."
She paused again.
"I…it was my first time you know and I didn't like it…and when he was done, he didn't say anything…except that it was time to get back to the barn."
"You didn't tell anyone about it?"
She shrugged.
"Only Julia when we were in college. She wanted me to report him but I couldn't…No one would have believed me and I'd pay for it not him."
"I'd believed you?"
She turned around to look at him.
"Would you have…the guy taught you everything you knew, he saved your life and even though…"
She took a deep breath, catching it in her throat.
"Even though with what he did to me…I could have died in that tornado…if not…"
She looked away again from him.
"C.J…"
She heard the mixture of emotions in that one word and she willed her muscles to relax. He was her closest friend not the enemy.
"I'm sorry Houston that wasn't fair…I never even gave you the chance by not telling you."
"I wish you had…but I understand."
And she heard the anger building in his voice, sensed his own posture hardening like she knew that it would years later.
"Houston…that's why I couldn't…I didn't want to represent him," she said, "I don't believe enough in his innocence."
"You mean you think he's guilty of the charges?"
She sighed.
"I don't know for sure…but it wouldn't surprise me if he's treated other women the way he treated me. I just don't want to represent a man who I think is probably guilty of something…anything even if he's your friend."
His hand relaxed on her back again.
"C.J…because he hurt you, he's not my friend and I'll tell him that."
A part of her relaxed when she heard that because she should have known yet…she sensed his other hand balling into a fist so she whipped her body around, putting a hand on her hip.
"Houston…don't you dare…don't go off and do something."
He ran a hand through his hair and started pacing, in that way of his when inaction weighed heavier on him than indecision.
She stopped him by putting a hand on his chest and looking straight at him.
"Don't…I don't want to have to represent you while you're behind bars on assault or worse," she said, "It might be selfish but I'd rather you stay right here with me."
Her voice caught with her final words and she realized that's what she really needed right now. If the past couldn't be rewritten, she needed to figure out how to deal with it in the present.
And she needed her best friend with her while she decided. Like someone who knew her most of her life, better than anyone else did, he seemed to know what she needed.
"Come here…"
That was all she needed to move closer to him and receive his arms around her, while she pressed her face into his chest like she had done so many times she'd lost track. His arms made her feel safe, the scent of her favorite cologne that he wore, she closed her eyes for a moment.
Then she pulled away and looked at him.
"I don't know what to do about what happened to me."
He looked at her directly while stroking her hair out of her face with his fingers.
"Whatever you decide…I'll support you and help you in any way I can."
She smiled at him, knowing that a huge part of him wanted to track down his mentor and kick the crap out of him but he wouldn't…to help her.
"Even if I want to help that girl or at least talk to her…?"
He didn't hesitate when he nodded.
"We could start tomorrow if you'd like."
She sighed.
"I have to formally drop his case first and that means talking to him at that meeting."
His forehead lined.
"You worried about that?"
She took a deep breath and released it.
"No…I'll be fine, I'll drop from any representation of him and then we can start our own investigation."
He smiled.
"Okay counselor sounds like a plan…but in the meantime let's go get us something to eat."
Her brows rose.
"Barbecue?"
His smile broadened.
"Now I like the way you think," he said, "maybe that's why you're my best friend."
He left the part unspoken about wanting to take it further than that with her but she slipped her hand in his.
"Let's get going then and leave the rest behind for a while okay?"
And that's what they did.
