Control was something that she had wholeheartedly put her life into having and protecting. Control was something that she thrived for, something she thirsted for, something she needed to have with her whole self in order to survive. Control was something that kept her heart beating and her blood flowing, and her mind working on task. Control was what got her through her parent's disappearance, her brother's abandonment. Control was what rescued her from her self doubt and fear when she was bounced from home to home in the foster system, her experience with abuse and ridicule. Control is what had gotten her through college and afterwards, when she was looking for a job and finding that many places were uninterested in a socially awkward woman scientist who could memorize every bone in the human body, but couldn't and didn't care to learn the names of her colleagues.
Control was what helped her not throttle the FBI agent she was assigned to over five years ago when he treated her like a hired hand one minute, and like a piece of porcelain the next. Control was what rescued her from her own thoughts when Kenton had kidnapped her, when she was confronted with an invisible evil while in New Orleans, or buried alive by a sadistic serial killer. Control was what helped her through her partner's kidnapping on more than one occasion, and what helped her from her fear of allowing her father back into her life. Control was what had saved her from the murderous cannibal who had bombed their car, the doctor who had killed all of those people and buried them beneath the fountain, the killer clown that chased them through that warehouse, it was control that saved her from the pain of losing her best friend, shot down by a jealous woman in the middle of a crowded bar.
She stopped.
Suddenly , it all stopped. Her mind stopped, her crying stopped, and if she didn't know better, she would have thought her heart and breathing had stopped. She pulled her arms from around him, pushing at his body, and for a moment, she felt him hold fast. She pushed harder because she needed to look at his face, and she felt his feet stumble slightly, be it from sleepiness or steadfastness, she didn't know, she just knew that she needed control.
"Stop."
This time, the word came from her lips, and entered his ears at such a velocity, he felt it sink to his heart and cause it to explode, not literally of course, but from the feeling in his chest, he wouldn't have been surprised.
"Stop what?" He whispered.
"I don't know, just… stop."
"Bones."
"Stop." She said again, holding her hand to him, she held it against his chest, and though she knew that he could perceive it as her pushing him away, she could still feel his body leaning into her hand just slightly.
"Stop thinking." His voice tickled her ears and she knew what he meant. He wanted her to lose control, to use her control. He wanted her to stop thinking, stop doing the one thing that always lead her, always told her how to act, how to feel, how to fight, and never run. "Stop thinking for just a second." Her hand relaxed and dropped, and her eyes moved from his chest to his face as she finally looked him in the eyes. He could see the hurt, the deep, dark hurt that was floating in the endless pools of her eyes, and he wanted to hold her, but he knew that would be giving in, and she was still far from giving in, or so he thought.
"I lost…" She whispered. "I lost control." She whispered, in the smallest voice imaginable without being nothing but air. "I lost control, and I know why I lost control, I just…"
"I love you, Temperance." He whispered, moving toward the bed, he pushed himself up beside her and allowed his legs to hang over the edge. Her eyes followed his, and he followed hers, and they danced together in that moment as she shifted her position to look at him.
"I think that I've gone insane." She whispered.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because somehow in the last five years… all of my control, all of my self-assurance, all of my pride, all of my heart, my thoughts, my bravery… all of who I am…somehow it has gotten attached to you, and I don't know how to get it back." She sucked in a breath and he lost sight of her eyes when they closed. "I feel like you have taken everything I have."
"Bones, you're giving me way too much credit." He whispered.
"No I haven't!" She exclaimed, her eyes opening quickly. "No…" She whispered, catching her outburst, realizing that her fingers had grasped hold of his arm unconsciously, she pulled them back as if she had been burned, only to find that he had snatched them up on their way back to her own body, grasping them tightly in his own.
"Keep going, I'm listening." He whispered. "I'm listening." He repeated, noting the thoughtful look in her eyes, as they caught his and stopped, as if they were trying to read him, and then they shifted to their hands.
"This is just proof." She whispered. "You, sitting here… holding my hands… making me stay in this bed, because I was stupid and careless. This is just proving my point that I'm going insane."
"Bones, you're not going insane…"
"Then you tell me why I did what I did."
"I can't tell you that, Bones… only you know, and you are the one that has to tell me."
"Why do you think… why do you think I did what I did?"
"I can't tell you what I think, Bones. That's cheating… and you never cheat. You know what you're feeling, you know what you are thinking, you're just working it through your mind now, and you're just trying to figure out the best way to say it, so that you can remain in control. It is okay to lose control every once in a while, Bones. It's natural. Here…" He said, releasing her hands.
He carefully stood up and turned, reaching for her hand again, he looked to the clock. They both knew that he was checking to see what time it was, knowing that the nurses would be in to check her bandages, and he wanted her to be comfortable. He reached for her hand and she took his, their eyes meeting in a moment of understanding as she pulled herself back into the bed. He elevated the bed a bit, knowing that she wasn't interested in sleep, and she watched as he carefully pulled her blankets up to cover her. They didn't speak as he moved to pull his hand from hers, and he felt a bit of resistance, but when he looked down at her and she shifted on the bed, he knew exactly what she was asking. His eyes flashed to the door, for just a split second before he slipped his shoes from his feet, revealing the blue and purple striped socks that he had chosen for the evening. He watched her eyes as they danced with his, her lip pursed just so as if she were fighting a half smile, as if they were telling him to stop worrying so much, that they were adults, and this would be fine. She tugged at the blanket as she rolled onto her side a bit, feeling his body move onto the mattress beside her, but touching her arm with his hand as he settled beside her. She gave him a corner of the blanket, to which he nearly rolled his eyes and tucked it back beneath her. He remained on his side, his hand lifting to touch her cheek, as their foreheads met softly in the middle, and his other arm remained in her arm, tenderly rubbing it above the blanket.
She breathed him in deeply, her eyes closing for a moment, and before she could let out the breath, her words tumbled from her lips. "It was you."
He was silent, not because he didn't understand, but because he knew for a fact that there was more. Temperance Brennan would never leave it at that, she knew that he knew why she was running. She also knew that he would never walk away. His words were not meant as manipulative, they were a push in the direction that she needed to move in, that they needed to move in. It was an understanding between them, and his words were meant to show her how serious he was. Why else would he say that he loved her one second, and threaten to leave in the next breath? They lay silently, awaiting her next words. Her eyes were still closed as she let her breath escape her lips slowly.
"When I was a little girl, I was normal." She said, opening her eyes to find that he had not lost a moment of staring back at her, and she wondered if he'd make a response to her comment. He just watched her intently. "I did normal little girl things… you know? I was a tom boy, but that was okay… I still liked dressing up and being a girl too… not everything was dirt and rocks and bones… death." She whispered. "I wasn't always the beautiful one, or the nicest one… but I always seemed to be the smartest one… in anything I did… I liked being the smartest one, I still like being the smartest one… but at some point, which… I think it's safe to say was when my parents disappeared… I um… I used my intelligence as a shield. I had never noticed it before… I mean… in the past few years, I've noticed it… but I kind of just thought of it as a figment of my imagination, you know?"
He nodded at her rhetorical question, and she paused. She paused as if she thought he was going to say something, and when he didn't, she knew she could continue, grateful that he was letting her go on and on with no interruption, his eyes were sparkling at hers and she paused a second or two longer than she had intended.
"Booth, when I was fifteen… and my parents disappeared, when I was… experiencing the foster system." She paused. "When… people in high school picked on me because I was different, or people in college disrespected me because I always had the right answer… I was able to keep my control. That first case that you worked on with me… you treated me like I deserved." She whispered. He looked like he wanted to interrupt her, but her eyes told him not to dare. "You… treated me like I was one of your tools to get your job done, and that's what I was. I had control over what I did, and what I said, and I still chose to be cold to you. It was what I perceived as control… control over the situation, control over my life… because that is the only thing that I do have control over." She whispered.
"Kenton… Epps, the whole Gormogon thing with Zack and… My father returning, my brother returning, my mother's body being found… You… being kidnapped…These are thing I had no control over. My… partner being shot in front of me… dying… in front of me." She whispered, her eyes filling with tears, she remained strong. "I had no control over that." Her lip trembled. "Me getting arrested for shooting that guy in the leg…" She said, her eyes lightening as she tried to make the moment a little lighter. "I could have controlled that." She said, watching his eyes lighten a bit as he smiled at her attempt. "The um… the time that I got shot on your birthday… because I was talking too much… I could have controlled that… but you taking me home that night, and tucking me in… making sure that my sling was tight and that my bandage was changed. I couldn't control that… Like I couldn't control you stepping in front of me when Pam shot at me, or that Christmas that you and Parker brought the tree… Booth… or when you… the brain tumor, you know? I couldn't control that… but… I… I don't… I don't know…" She whispered as she started to panic a bit, his hand moved to her other cheek, and he carefully ran his thumb over it delicately, capturing the rogue tear on his fingertip, he could feel it trickle down his thumb as he watched her.
"Bones…" He whispered.
"You have taken all of my control, Booth." She whispered. "You have taken it, and when you're not there to stop me… I lose it." She said as she started to cry. "I lose control."
"You don't lose control… you don't…" He whispered.
"Then why am I lying in a hospital bed with my feet covered in lacerations? Why am I lying here waiting for the sun to come up so that my boss and my psychologist can come in here and tell me that I'm incompetent and stupid? I can't tell them why I ran, I can't tell them! I can only tell you! I can only tell you, because you are the reason!"
"I don't unders…"
"I couldn't tell you that I love you, Booth! I can't ruin your chance at happiness with someone that can make you happy! I'm not what you want! I'm not what you want, I'm what you protect! You say you love me, but you don't love me! You love protecting me! I was running because you deserve better than me! I was running because I thought that if I closed my eyes and I ran far enough and fast enough, I could disappear… and you won't have to protect me anymore… you could just be happy!"
He held her face steady in his hands as he stared into her eyes. "Stop." He whispered. "Stop, right now."
She stopped.
She stared.
He stared.
"I love you, all of you… happy you, sad you, smart you… smart ass you… all of you… sexy you, geeky you… I love you… Brennan… You. I love you… You, Doctor Temperance Brennan… just you… do you understand me? Do you see my lips moving?" He whispered. "I'm telling you… I love you, Bones… I love you, it's you that I love, it's you that I want to be with… I love you. Temperance? Listen to my voice, hear the words, and believe them… I do not lie to you. I love you."
