Absent
Chapter 9
Reflection
By the time Riza made it to the barn the door was open and a dog was bounding towards her. He looked like a large mutt mix with Labrador and Shepard features and possible a little hound mixed in. He covered the distance quickly and bounced around her and barked before stopping to sniff her pants. His tail wagged and when he finally stopped sniffing she reached out to let him sniff her hand and he licked it. She pet his head and scratched his ears and then watched him dart back to the barn when he heard a whistle.
"Can I help you with something?"
Riza could hear the edge to her voice, she knew the dog was there to assess the person and report back all while she was in the sights of a rifle. Hearing herself talk was surreal, was that how she actually sounded? "I am told that you are an alchemist. I need your help."
"You're not from around here. Who told you that?"
Riza would have to answer correctly or that door would shut forever. She recalled her conversation with the postmaster and replied, "A bookseller in East City."
There was a pause and then, "What do you need?"
"I have a coin that may be referenced in some of your rarest books." Riza replied. She recalled those books from her past. The ones that were so precious they had been kept in a locked safe, away from the moisture and temperature fluctuations of the house. The safe was homemade, the scrap metal from the old windmill and hinges from the old ice box, her father made sure to craft it so it was secure. Only alchemy could open it and anyone else would think it was just a metal junk box. After her father died she had shown it to Roy, he figured out the madness behind the lock and unveiled the treasures. He offered to sell them for her but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She could see the look in his eyes when he saw the titles, that glow of excitement when you looked upon something you didn't think existed anymore, and couldn't deny him the books. Somehow she convinced him to just take them as payment for taking care of her father's funeral costs, he agreed and he still had the books on his shelf in his apartment. They were possibly one of a kind now. Obsolete but still valuable, priceless to him because it was a gift from her. Her own life aside, she knew that those books had to still be here, if nobody knew they still existed how could they order them through the bookseller? "I was told you have some exceptionally rare material that not even the State Alchemist library in Central has."
"You're a state alchemist?"
"No. I.." She knew this was her opportunity to take advantage of the paranoia that had to be instilled in her from their father. There was only one reason she was still hiding in the shadows of the barn, she worried about visitors. In her own days on this farm, she looked forward to people stopping by as it gave her some form of interaction outside of her hermit parent. This Riza never got that opportunity though, she would have been too busy to talk to neighbors or townspeople because she had transitioned from daughter to apprentice. Berthold Hawkeye was absolutely unforgiving when it came to studies and did not believe in distractions. So she answered as she would have answered if it was her father. "I don't trust the military with this knowledge. I don't want them to even know it exists."
There was a long pause and finally the door squeaked open further and she saw the glimpse of a figure in the opening. "Come in."
That gained her access. She was too much like her father. He was always so suspicious of people and would ask questions to determine their political stances. If they leaned to much towards pro-military he would ask them to leave. Roy was the exception. He was so young he hadn't formed a solid opinion yet and her father thought he could influence that. Ironically he did, he helped convince Roy that someone who could think about the needs of the people should be part of the country's controlling force, someone like him who wanted to see that power used for the help of the masses. This Riza, however, only knew what Berthold Hawkeye told her. Perhaps she feared him refusing to teach her alchemy if she didn't adopt his political views and after a while it could be so hard to find your way back to the truth. It could be hard to find yourself at all. She could certainly see him being adamant as the end drew near that the military never find out what she knew, only suffering would come from it. It would also explain how she never reached out to her remaining family, as her grandfather was a General and would be in the top echelon of officers. Nobody got there without compromising themselves, not in a corrupt system. She had to tread carefully. She had to talk with herself as if she was talking to her father and that was enough to turn her stomach.
Riza walked into the barn and saw there was a small visiting area set up in the tack room. There were several lanterns hanging from the rafters giving enough light to lead to the small enclosure and she heard a cow munching away on hay. Of course this Riza had been up early to milk and feed, that was her life and livelihood. The smell of the barn and animals brought her back to a simpler time that she honestly had enjoyed. Sure there were days in the coldest part of winter when waking up to milk the cow was a horrible chore, but she felt more at home out here than in the house. She cared for the animals and they gave her affection she lacked from her father. They meant a lot to her and she wasn't afraid to admit she cried for them when she had to bury them and never shed a tear for her father at his grave. It was a good memory here, it actually felt like home.
However it was not home and she had to remember that. This was an illusion and her real life was hanging in the balance somewhere else. Nostalgia could wait, there were more urgent issues. The other version of her was lighting some lanterns in the tack room where she clearly intended to do business. Her back was to he as she went in and the dog blocked her path to try and get more scratches and put himself between her and his human. Riza pulled the coin out of her pocket and placed it on the table that was used to use to repair leather. She was determined to take charge of the situation before the other Riza could scrutinize her too closely so she tried to keep her eyes down and focused on petting the dog to avoid the other woman getting a good look at her features. She had had a fleeting look to confirm this was indeed a version of her, a tanned short-haired version of herself who was somehow more focused on the details of alchemy than her surroundings.
Riza saw their difference immediately, how quickly the other version of her allowed herself to be absorbed in the riddle of alchemy on the coin, like Roy was, and was at ease doing so. Yet here she was in the doorway using her sniper training to listen to the location of the animals in the barn, survey the entrances and exits and count the steps required to get to the rifle leaning on the wall if she needed it. It was then that she realized she was the threat here and that overwhelmed her a little. This alternative Riza had never seen war. Never seen the training at the academy. Never seen alchemy twisted for malicious applications. She had her upbringing to thank for being suspicious and jumpy, not experience.
"What language is this?"
"I have confirmed it to be the language of Xerses. It roughly translates to 'The other side of the coin'." Riza said and the woman across from her simply continued to study the coin. She didn't consider lifting her eyes to study her face to see if she was lying. She didn't worry that she was now effectively trapped in the room with her only exit blocked by a stranger. Riza didn't consider any of that to be an option, even in a casual setting she absolutely had to have an exit strategy and have the strategically best location with her back to a wall and be at the ready to draw her gun if needed. She had completely misjudged this situation when she was mentally planning for it, the only nightmare to be found here was her.
"Interesting."
It was interesting. Riza was watching herself act like an alchemist and it was something that seemed so natural to this version of her it was hard to doubt what she was seeing even if it was hard to comprehend. This woman was completely engrossed in the puzzle in her hand, already pulling a notebook from a shelf to start writing down the symbols and break them down into something more digestible. All with the same methodical practiced ease that she was used to breaking down a gun. It wasn't a foreign concept, she saw this in Roy and the boys every time their eye caught something that challenged them a little, but this was her.
"Other side of the coin...is more like the other side of your brain." The alchemist Riza said. "Conscious versus subconscious."
Said in her voice, in that same tone she got when she was being professional. Very focused. Succinct. Completely zoned in on her task.
"This is very advanced for a culture as old as Xerses. It's advanced for our culture right now. My books will not be able to shed any light on this. My collection is older and focuses on gases and combustion. I don't deal in biology. I don't have anything on coin collecting or ancient history."
Riza nodded. That didn't mean she was done. The other woman didn't pry her eyes away from the coin and she was still writing and working on some notes of her own. "Perhaps you can help me?"
That was too far and finally concentration was broken. "Why would you think I have the expertise to help you with this? I have never sold a book that has dealt with ancient alchemic history or relics."
Of course there wasn't a book on any of this in that house. Berthold Hawkeye's collection was focused on one thing and one thing alone: fire. He had books on combustion engines, studies on efficient fuels, temperature regulators, oxygen as an element, photosynthesis and respiration, oxidation, oxygen in the industrial age and exothermic reactions. Anything that could help him understand how to create and control fire. He had his basic alchemy books, like any other alchemist, but his library was dedicated to his passion. Early man banged rocks together to make a spark, he didn't believe modern man understood fire any better than just how to apply it to what they wanted. "The bookseller said he thought you had a book about fire in the history of warfare and weapons. This coin seems like a weapon."
"It's still not my field and unfortunately this is not the primitive type of warfare that would be in that kind of book. I'm sorry. I can't help you."
It was stretch of reason, but alchemists fed off of those. Other Riza was at least giving her some feedback, probably feeling sorry that she couldn't help her at all. However, she did have things to do and was not going to waste time with trying to do something she knew wasn't in her realm of comprehension. Always efficient. So Riza knew her time was up and it was time for the truth if she wanted answers. "It's because it's not the actual research I wanted to show you. That coin is part of it, but I need to show you something else to explain why I'm here."
The other Riza ripped the page from the notebook and folded it to give it to her, along with the coin. When she looked up the stranger had already turned her back to her and then shocked her by lifting up her shirt. She was going to demand to know why this woman was taking off her shirt for her but then her eyes fixated on something very familiar and she was stunned into silence. A few moments elapsed before she could finally ask, "How...where did you get that?"
Riza pulled her shirt back down over the base of her tattoo and turned around. She didn't pull the shirt up enough to show the burn scar, that would have been too much. She locked eyes with the other version of her and saw the further disbelief as she saw a copy of herself. "I think you know who I got that from. There is only one man that had that research and only one man mad enough to imprint it on the back of his own daughter."
"This..." Alternative Riza looked down at the coin. "This is what the coin does?"
She was surprised at how quickly she accepted this, but she was an alchemist. They were always quick to see past the impossible to the science underneath. "I am you. I'm Riza Hawkeye. I'm a different version of you who didn't become an alchemist and my father felt the only way to pass on his research was to carve it into my skin instead of my brain. You're the other version of me. The other side of the coin. In my life, my father had an apprentice he choice to be the next flame alchemist. Unfortunately, he ran out of time before that apprentice came back to him and he was determined to record his research somewhere in case he didn't live to see the day of the apprentice's return. He made it seem like it was my choice, but it wasn't. I told myself it was, but I was so scared of him it was the only way I could feel in control of the situation. He told me it was my choice to pick the next flame alchemist even though he knew damned well I had fallen in love with the boy he had already trained. Roy Mustang was chosen long before I ever saw him again. Our Father didn't choose me, he was left without another choice."
"If you're an alchemist..."
"I'm not an alchemist." Riza admitted. It was like talking to herself and the truth flowed too easily because she was desperate for answers. She knew she was running out of time so words fell from her lips that she never admitted to anyone. She had been too scared to think about too much because she feared losing that control. She feared feeling like she was just used and had never had a say in her life at all. However, truth was truth and it was the only thing that could help her find answers. "He had an alternative and instead of teaching me... he branded me with his information. I can't imagine learning from him was much better than what I endured. At least mine was done quickly and over in a short amount of time however you have to know he was capable of tattooing his research on his own daughter. You had to, he was mad. There was no telling the lengths he would have gone to if he couldn't pass on his research and let that live on somehow. You had to fear the consequences of failure more than anything."
There was silence as they looked at each other with the same knowing sad look. No communication was necessary.
Riza pointed to the coin. "I wouldn't be here unless I had to be. I never wanted to come back here again. I never wanted to think about him again. I never wanted to realize that maybe all my choices in life were actually made for me. I don't want to relive what happened to me in that house. None of it. It's gone and I can't remember it beyond the smells of that crawlspace because I had to mentally destroy the feeling of being there alone with him and his madness. That's why that house isn't standing anymore, because I refuse to look at it again and remember questioning why I was having to care for him as he died when he never took care of me as a child. My memories of that house all revolve around Roy now. Good times studying with him or having him help me with chores. The day he finally came back and how good it felt to share this horrible secret on my back with someone. To know someone else was outraged by what happened to me and that I wasn't wrong about how terrible my father was to do that. You know that feeling, how much I questioned myself because normal human emotions were in no way a part of Berthold Hawkeye anymore. It was so good to have someone know what happened and...care about me."
"I learned." Alternative Riza said. "I am the Flame Alchemist. Isn't that what schooling is for? Learning and...developing skills? I...accepted that it was the only way he knew how to share. It wasn't easy, but I learned and he finally paid attention to me."
"At what cost?" Riza asked. Abuse comes in so many forms Riza Hawkeye. "In hindsight, it's easier to see and easier to avoid but you're not at fault for what happened. Neither of us where. He wasn't the same after Mom died, and that wasn't our fault."
"Get out." Alternative Riza said and pushed the coin and paper into the other woman's hands. She refused to take it knowing to would conclude this conversation.
"I can't, not without your help." Riza said, frustration finally evident in her voice. Was she going to have to fight herself to get the answers? Fight to make this woman see past the denial and start questioning her actions? It wasn't fair, but so little in her life had been fair. "You're an alchemist, you seek truth! Don't shut your eyes to it. Truth is horrible and not fair. I've talked about this so many times, too many times, with everyone but myself because I was too scared to venture into my past and not find explanations to make this all make sense. We lived in that house with the man who created flame alchemy, the most powerful form of alchemy this world has ever known. He was capable of the research but not the application, that is why he had to pass it on to someone else. He was defeated by his work, he couldn't master his own life's obsession and had no other choice than to force it on someone else. It's complex and requires someone with exceptional mental capacity and he had deteriorated so much that he was no longer capable of that. You know that is the truth."
"We are not the same, I don't know how you know this information." The alchemist looked down at the coin. "Is this what this coin does? Make me question myself? Give you access to my past, my memories?"
"We are the same and I know if I don't unload everything on you, then you will have no reason to hear me out. You are work driven, you make use of every minute of your time especially here on the farm by yourself. You have no reason to speak with me other than the fact that you might have been able to sell off a valuable item or make some cash from advising me with your expertise. You saw I have a nice car, you know I'm not from around here. You sized me up when you sent your dog out and evaluated whether or not I am worth your time. I did the same." Riza said and took another step closer to the other woman so they had no choice but to look at each other. One worn down from work and the lack of finances to take care of herself, one worn down from work and the demons of her past. "Look at yourself and see the other path you could have had in your life. That is what this coin is for. You stayed here and became the new flame alchemist. I left and created the new flame alchemist. Either way we are still bound to the same thing."
"So...you're trying to prove yourself to me? You need me?"
"I need to get out of here." Riza answered honestly. She could always count on herself to answer the plea for help. "This coin has me trapped in my own mind looking at a life that I thought would be better without my decisions. I wouldn't want your life and I don't have the time to think about how happy Roy might be without me in his. Right now he's in danger and he's very possibly going to die if I don't get back to him. So I need you to help me determine if I have what it takes to activate this array and go back to normal."
"It's not that simple. You just can't learn alchemy in a day. You should know that." The alchemist replied offended.
"You exist because I have the knowledge so dammit, help me." Desperation was slowly taking over and she felt like everything was slipping away from her. She thought that talking about the truth would help her unlock some portal, perhaps she was taking what Ed said about the realm of Truth too literally, but truth was the foundation of what alchemists sought out. Truth in nature broken down into elements and reactions, truth in the cost of dabbling in something greater than humans should. Truth in telling herself that what she feared might be true. She hoped that that paid the toll for whatever information she needed to move on and free herself from this before more fears became a reality.
