Chapter 9
It was the dreams coming from the crew that woke Simon from his sleep. He grimaced as the pounding headache he'd had for two straight days came back with full force. He once again felt pity and guilt for his mei-mei that she'd had to suffer through this for years. If this is what they'd been able to do to him in a day he couldn't imagine what she'd gone through in three years.
Kaylee stretched beside him and opened her eyes.
"Did you sleep ai-ren?" She asked.
"Yes for awhile." Simon answered.
"How are you today?"
Simon thought over her question before answering. "Better than yesterday I guess. It's just this headache. I feel like I'd be able to think if it weren't for all the noise in my head."
Kaylee gave him a brave smile and tried to look like she wasn't worried. The problem with now being a reader was that Simon could feel the concern and pain pouring from her.
What if he goes crazy like River did? She thought suddenly. He heard it as clearly as if she were speaking out loud.
"That won't happen love I promise." Simon assured her.
"What won't happen?" She asked confused.
"I won't go crazy like River did. She was traumatized by Miranda that isn't going to happen to me."
Kaylee looked at him with a shocked expression on her face.
"This is going to take some getting used to. You bein in my head." Kaylee said.
"Sorry. I can't help it. The thoughts just keep popping in there. I'm not trying to hear them." Simon apologized feeling guilty to be invading his wife's privacy like that.
Kaylee smiled and laid a gentle kiss on his lips.
"This ain't yer fault Simon. I know that." She assured him lovingly.
Their conversation was interrupted then by a knock on the door.
"Simon. Mal and Inara are awake. Do you feel up to taking a look at them?" River asked as she stuck her head into the room.
"Yes, give me a minute and I'll be right there." Simon answered.
The shower he took helped some to clear his head, although the water stung the incision that ran down the back of his head. Getting dressed in his own clothes made him feel even more like himself and he began to feel hopeful that he would be able to adjust to being a reader fairly easily. This thought was dashed slightly when he entered the infirmary.
Mal and Inara's minds were both tormented and practically screaming inside his own. From Mal he felt waves of hate, confusion, and rage; but this was nothing compared to Inara's. Reading her mind was like seeing a reflection in a broken mirror. He kept getting pieces of feelings and images, but nothing complete; her mind was completely fractured. Simon shuddered and felt himself getting lost in the confusion that was once the companion's mind.
"Broken." River said suddenly as she entered the infirmary and stared down at Inara.
Simon shook his head to try and clear it.
"Yes. Is there anything that can be done for her?" Simon asked.
River remained silent as she read Inara more closely. Simon admired her bravery; he was terrified to delve deeper into the remains of Inara's mind.
"I don't know. Maybe she can find herself again, but it will take a great catalyst to bring her back." River mused looking sad.
The entire time the siblings had been conversing Inara had been watching them with wide eyes that seemed both terrified and utterly blank at the same time. Simon thought the look in her eyes was one of the most terrifying and tragic things he'd ever seen.
"Inara? Can you hear me?" Simon asked.
Inara simply continued to stare at him without any sign of recognition. When he moved closer to check her vitals she jumped violently and tried to pull away from him. Simon tried once again to check her vitals, this time Inara began to scream at the top of her lungs. She thrashed on the bed and continued to scream, one long piercing note that repeated over and over.
"Get me a sedative River. I need to put her out before she hurts herself." Simon shouted over the noise of Inara's screams.
The screams died down a few minutes later as Inara fell asleep. Simon sighed and grabbed a pain reliever for himself, hoping something would dull the pounding in his head. He glanced over and noticed that Inara's screaming had awakened Mal who was now looking around the room in confusion.
"Hey Mal. How are you feeling?" Simon asked.
Mal strained against his restraints and glared at Simon and River hatefully.
"Mal I really need to examine you. We need to start an iv and make sure you don't get dehydrated." Simon explained gently.
"I don't want a filthy collaborator like you touching me. You and your slut sister. Loyal to the Alliance until it became inconvenient and then you turn your backs on the people who protected you your entire lives." Mal shouted.
"Mal this isn't you talking. Whatever they did to you, you have to try and fight it. You're an Independent, a brown coat." Simon explained trying not to become angry at the man who'd just called his sister a slut.
"No Simon this is me talking. My eyes are finally opened to the truth of things."
"Ai-ren please you're stronger than whatever it is they did to you. You just have to fight off the suggestions they implanted." River whispered suddenly and began to approach her husband.
Mal jerked in the bed trying to get himself as far away from River as possible.
"Don't touch me!" He shouted.
"Mal please you're my husband. You love me, deep down I know you remember that." River pleaded her voice wavering with the effort to hold back her tears.
"Love you? I could never love a broken little choubiaozi like you. My God after the way them men used you in the woods, I feel like I need ta boil my skin off just from touchin you." Mal shouted.
River stood completely still, she didn't even seem to breathe. Simon watched as the blood drained from her face and she became ghostly white. Finally she took a long deep breath and stepped away from Mal's bed.
"I know this isn't you ai-ren." She whispered before turning and walking from the room.
Simon glared at Mal and then hurried after his sister. Simon knew that River rationally understood that Mal was not in control of his actions, but what the captain had said still had to hurt her. Ever since the rape River had dealt with feeling used and dirty; now having Mal say those words out loud had to have broken her heart.
He found her sitting on the catwalk above the cargo bay, a place she hadn't run to in a long time.
"Hey mei-mei. Can I sit down with you?" Simon asked.
River nodded without looking at him. He sat down and put an arm around River's shoulder drawing her to him so that she could put her head on his shoulder.
"I know this doesn't help, but you know that wasn't Mal talking in there. It was the Alliance." Simon whispered hoping to give her some measure of comfort.
She nodded slightly and drew in a ragged breath.
"It isn't what he said." She whispered.
He'll never by my husband again and my children will never know their father. River thought suddenly.
"That isn't true mei-mei. We'll figure out a way to fix this and you'll have your husband back and your babies will know their father I promise." Simon comforted.
River gave a small laugh and brought her head up so that she could look Simon in the eyes.
"I'm sorry this happened to you. No one should have to read the thought's of another person. I wish I could have kept this from you." River told him sincerely and placed a hand on his cheek.
"Funny how we seem to have switched places in the last three days. What you just said I think I've thought those exact sentiments a million times since I got you out of the Academy. I know I didn't say it, but thank you for getting me out of there." Simon replied.
"Just returning the favor." River said with a little smile.
"I need to go finish checking on Mal and Inara. Will you gather the crew together in the galley so I can talk to everyone at once?" Simon asked as he stood up and placed a kiss on the top of his sister's head.
River nodded and headed towards the engine room.
Simon spent the next hour running blood tests, scans, and neurological tests on both Mal and Inara. He tried to do it with Mal conscious, but Mal was so uncooperative that Simon was forced to sedate him as well. Once he was finished Simon headed to the galley where Jayne and Zoe were fixing lunch for everyone.
"How are they?" Kaylee asked from the table where she sat with River.
Simon sat down heavily in a chair and rubbed the back of his head, obviously in pain.
"Honestly? Not good. Both of them have sustained brain damage from the electrical shocks given to them via the needles that were implanted in their brains. Mal's is nowhere near as severe as Inara's and I think in time he can recover." Simon informed them.
"You think Mal can recover. But not Inara?" Zoe asked.
"Inara's brain is severely traumatized. There are parts of it that have completely shut down. Its possible that her brain could compensate and begin to function normally but the damage combined with whatever emotional trauma she's obviously been through, I really don't know if recovery is possible." Simon answered darkly.
The crew was silent for a few minutes as everyone took time to digest the information Simon had given them.
"So what about Mal? How can we help him?" Zoe asked finally.
"There are a number of drugs I can try that may help counteract the effects of the trauma. But the real problem is the brainwashing he was subjected to. I don't know exactly what they did, but his blood did test positive for a number of hallucinogenic drugs. I think they doped him up and after that somehow reprogrammed his mind to support the Alliance and to eliminate any Independents. It would explain why he reacted so violently to Zoe when he saw her duster."
"So what da we do now?" Jayne asked.
The table grew silent once again as everyone around hoping someone else had a suggestion.
"Badger's dead." Zoe informed them. "I tried waving him this morning about the job and one a his men told me he was killed three days ago. Seems that they think the Alliance was responsible. The guy told me some Alliance officials were sniffin around, asking Badger questions just a couple hours before someone shot him in the head." She continued.
"You think Badger was the one who sold us out?" Jayne asked.
"Seems likely. We were only on planet for half an hour fore the Alliance showed up. The way they took them, it was planned out, there's no way they came up with that on the spur of the moment." Zoe agreed.
"But how could they have known about Badger? He kept his head low, he didn't tell people bout his jobs or the people who worked for him. I just don't see how the Alliance coulda connected us ta him." Jayne continued.
"It was Inara." River spoke up.
"You could read that from her mei-mei?" Simon asked.
"No there is not enough of her mind left to read. But it makes sense. Inara is the only person not on this boat who knew about our contacts and then we found her in the Academy. Logically all the evidence points to her." She explained.
"And we all know she was out ta get River. She tried once ta send her back to the Academy." Kaylee added.
"Well there isn't much we can do to her, with the way she is now. I think we need to concentrate on getting a job and helping Mal get better." Zoe decided.
"Ya know its harvest time. My ma can always use help on the farm. We could set down on Aiden for awhile." Jayne suggested, although he sounded uncomfortable about the idea.
Zoe nodded as she considered the suggestion. "That could work. At least it'd give us a place to set down for a bit. Why don't ya wave yer ma and make sure she needs the help." Zoe ordered Jayne who nodded and headed to the bridge.
He returned fifteen minutes later, smiling.
"So I take it we're going to yer place Jayne?" Kaylee asked.
"Yep. Ma needs some help awful bad. She ain't got much ta pay, but she can fuel the ship for us, feed us while we're there, and once the harvestin's done she needs a transport ship to deliver goods to the next moon over. It'd be about five round trips and there'll be pay for that." Jayne said proudly.
"That's perfect Jayne thank you." River complimented and kissed Jayne on the cheek making him blush. "Ill set a course for Aiden." She told the crew and left for the bridge.
It took them nearly two weeks to reach Aiden. Inara and Mal both made little improvement during the time, much to the crew's distress. Inara hadn't spoken once since she'd been rescued and continued to scream loudly whenever someone attempted to touch her. Mal's hatred for the entire crew continued without improvement. He was hostile to every member of the crew, but his rage towards Zoe was immeasurable. It got so that Zoe could not even walk past the infirmary without sending Mal into a blind rage.
The night before reaching Aiden Jayne lay in his bunk with Zoe next to him. She was lying on her stomach asleep. Jayne sighed and placed a light kiss on Zoe's forehead before settling down to sleep himself. He didn't want to admit it but Jayne was worried about Zoe. Mal was her best friend and her rock for so many years and Jayne could see how much it hurt her to have Mal be so changed. Zoe hid it well, like she did all of her emotions, but Jayne could see the strain she was under. He hoped that once they reached Aiden Zoe would be distracted by the work they had lined up and could put her energy into that.
Simon climbed into bed wearily and pulled Kaylee to him, relishing in the warm feel of her body against his.
"How are the patients?" Kaylee asked like she had done nearly every night.
"The same. I keep thinking Mal should be showing signs of improvement, but he isn't." Simon said sounding frustrated.
"You'll figure out a way to fix him. I have faith in you." Kaylee replied confidently and leaned over to kiss her husband.
Simon let his mind open up and immersed himself in the love and pride that flowed from his wife's thoughts. As much as he hated having his brain screwed with, there were certain advantages to being a reader he was finding.
"It'll be nice ta be planet side tomorrow. Get off the ship, get some fresh air and real food." Kaylee said trying to cheer Simon up.
"Mmmm… real food. That's going to be wonderful." Simon mumbled sleepily.
River stood outside the door and used her skills as a reader to determine when her brother was fast asleep. Once she was satisfied that he was deeply asleep and wouldn't be waking anytime soon she snuck away from his room and quietly let herself into the infirmary.
Inara was lying curled up in the fetal position like she usually did and Mal was asleep on his back, his arms and legs still restrained.
River crept slowly up to her husband and placed a hand over his mouth. Mal's eyes popped open immediately and he stiffened when he saw River above him.
"Shhh… if you start yelling you will only wake Inara and cause her to scream. If that happens Simon will come in and sedate you both. Do you understand?" River asked.
Mal nodded slowly and River removed her hand from his mouth. He didn't make any noise but continued to stare at her with a hateful expression on his face. The hateful expression turned to one of fear when River suddenly pulled out a pistol and put it to his temple.
"I'm going to un-strap you and you're going to come with me. You know that I am very good with a gun and even without a weapon I can take you down." River warned.
"You won't kill me. You love me remember?" Mal mocked.
"You're right I won't kill you. But that doesn't mean I won't hurt you." She threatened and stared at Mal so coldly that he had no doubt she was telling the truth.
Mal stood up from the bed and wobbled a little as he stood for the first time in days. River pushed the gun to his temple and motioned him out the door. He walked obediently to Inara's old shuttle and once they were both inside River locked the door behind them.
"So what exactly are we doin here? You think if ya bring me to the whore's shuttle and sex me up I'll suddenly forget the fact that you're a feng-le Independent slut?" Mal asked.
River stepped towards him looking frail and hurt. Tears welled up in her eyes and she looked like she was going to throw herself at him and sob. Instead she balled up her fist and swung an upper cut directly into Mal's jaw. Mal's head snapped backward and he stumbled and fell to his knees.
"That is the last time you get to call me crazy or a slut. Do you understand me?" River ordered menacingly.
"I'll call you whatever the hell I want to bitch!" Mal shouted.
River again punched Mal in the jaw and this time he fell completely to the floor. Mal lay on the ground panting and glared up at River.
"You've forgotten who you are Malcolm Reynolds. They tried to take away your soul, but I can feel it hiding way down deep. We have to find a way to unbury it." River informed him.
"Girl there ain't nothing buried inside me! This is me now I've finally seen the truth." Mal argued.
River simply gave him an amused smile like he had no idea what he was talking about.
Mal picked himself up off the floor and sat down on the edge of the bed after River motioned for him to do so with the gun. Keeping the gun trained on him River walked over to the display screen at the foot of the bed and pushed a button. A series of captures began to play on the screen. They were pictures of the crew, pictures of Mal's squadron during the war, and even some pictures of Mal as a child on Shadow.
"This is you Malcolm Reynolds. This is the man you've had a lifetime to become and a few days at the hands of monsters is not enough to destroy this man." River explained.
Mal glanced at the screen once and then looked down.
"Look at the captures!" River yelled and cocked the gun and placed it against Mal's temple again.
Mal raised his head slowly as if it were unbelievably heavy. As he stared at the series of captures, River watched his face go from angry to completely void of any expression what so ever. River watched as he became transfixed by the images before him. Finally the blank look on his face cracked when he saw a picture of him and Zoe both of them dressed in uniform and laughing with their arms around each other. It wasn't much of a reaction, just a simple flinch and raise of the eyebrow, but River knew it was a sign.
He showed no other reaction for nearly two hours as River forced him to watch the captures over and over again. They watched the pictures throughout the night, Mal sat utterly still and didn't try to leave or move. An hour before Serenity's day cycle was to begin River switched off the monitor. Mal didn't move or look at her and River wasn't sure if this was a good sign or a bad one. She pulled one final capture from her back pocket and without a word tossed it onto Mal's lap.
Mal stared down at the capture for nearly five minutes. Finally he picked it up and River saw that his hands were shaking as he held the image. He looked up suddenly into River's eyes and for the first time in two weeks River saw her husband staring back at her.
He jumped up and pulled River into a crushing embrace, burying his face into her hair and began to weep.
"I'm sorry bao-bei. I'm so so sorry." He murmured over and over.
"Shhh… ai-ren. It wasn't you. You're back now that's all that matters." She comforted and pulled him away from her shoulder so that she could kiss him deeply.
Mal pulled her to him and kissed her hungrily as if he hadn't kissed her in years.
"Feel like I was so lost. I kept trying to think like myself but everything was so fuzzy." Mal explained.
"I know my love, but I found you. I'll always find you." River whispered.
"How did you know to show me that picture? How did you know that capture would bring me back?" Mal asked still clutching tightly to the capture she had tossed in his lap.
"Because I know you ai-ren. Family is everything to you. I knew that seeing your children would bring you back." She explained.
Mal held up the capture so that both of them could look at the ultrasound picture Simon had taken of their twins just days before they had been taken to the Academy.
"How could I have forgotten about the babies?" Mal asked.
"You protected them. Didn't want to hurt the babies so you made yourself forget them. Because you love them."
Mal placed his hand on River's stomach and a broad grin broke over his face when he felt the slight bump she had developed in the last week. He pulled her close to kiss her once again and together they both sank to the bed. They made love slowly and easily, both of them too exhausted to do anything adventurous.
It was enough to simply touch and be close, to know that once again they were together like they were meant to be.
