Rachel tapped her fingers on her kitchen table, patiently waiting for the answer to her question. She looked over at Nicole with annoyance written clear across her face. Nicole had gone home the night before but couldn't sleep. She called Rachel's cell phone at three in the morning, crying. Rachel told her to come and stay at her house. She wanted to talk to her about the whole Ralphie situation, but Nicole begged her to wait until morning. Morning was here, and she wanted some answers.
"I just don't understand why you would do it." Rachel said this a few times already.
"Rachel, please. I know I screwed up." Nicole's eyes were swollen and red.
"But you love him. I know you love him. And he loves you. It's obvious." Rachel's words made Nicole's eyes swell up with tears.
"I tried calling him all morning. He won't answer his phone." She grabbed Rachel's hand. "I don't know what to do Ray. I can't lose him."
"Then why did you do it?" Rachel's voice rose. "I want to know why you did it! This isn't like you Nicole."
"Alright, alright!" Nicole put her face in her hands. She took a deep breath then looked back at Rachel. "Last summer when I was working at the lodge, you remember right?" Rachel nodded her head. "One of the summer parties I did, he was the one throwing it. He was very nice and he flirted with me the entire night. I guess I flirted back because he came to my job a few days later. He was persistent, asking me to go out with him on a date. At first I said no because he's a lot older then me, but I figured what the hell." Nicole started crying again. "I really liked him. We talked for almost a month. I went to his house after work a lot. After you went back to LA, I really didn't hang out with Brooke and Daniela too much so I spent a lot of time at his place." Nicole took a napkin and wiped her nose.
"So I guess you really didn't leave his bedroom huh?" Rachel said almost without feeling. Nicole looked at her friend, dumbfounded.
"You're supposed to be my friend." Nicole's voice rose. "My best friend!" She leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest.
"I am your friend Nicole. I love you and I care about you so much, but I just don't understand how someone you used to sleep with can make you cheat on the only guy I have ever seen you care about."
"I was drunk." Nicole blurted out. Rachel looked at her, not sure if she was lying or not. "A couple of weeks ago we had gone to the bar together. I was supposed to spend the night but we got into a fight. He was drunk, I was pretty drunk. He upset me so much. I called Daniela to pick me up. She was on her way to another party and I didn't want to go home. I went with her." Nicole's words stuck in her throat. She closed her eyes letting the fresh tears fall down her face.
"Ralphie was there and I started drinking more, and he was just making me feel good about myself." She opened her eyes and looked at Rachel. "Rachel, I didn't even know what I did until the next day." Rachel reached across the table, grabbing her friends hand gently.
"You need to tell Joe this. He needs to know the truth." Nicole nodded her head as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
"I want to tell him, but he won't even talk to me."
"Maybe he just needs to be alone for a few days." Rachel got out of her seat. She walked around the table to Nicole and hugged her.
"Good morning girls." Mr. Hedlund said as he placed the grocery bags on the counter. Rachel pulled away from Nicole looking at her father. "Is everything ok?" He asked.
"Everything is fine dad." She smiled at him. Nicole wiped her eyes and smiled.
"Just some stupid boy at school, he isn't taking me to the prom anymore." Nicole thought quickly. Rachel raised an eyebrow. Good move on Nicole's part. Her father didn't like talking girl stuff, so he would back off.
Rachel's father emptied the grocery bags as Rachel and Nicole sat in silence. Nicole was playing with her hair and biting the inside of her mouth, a bad habit she couldn't break. Rachel looked over to Nicole, her heart ached for her. She knew how much she loved Joe. She wished there was something she could do to help her. As if she read her mind Nicole's eyes widened and she leaned forward to Rachel.
"Maybe you can talk to Billy. He's practically in love with you he'll listen to what you say." Nicole said in a whisper she thought was low enough that Rachel's father couldn't hear. She was wrong.
"Who's Billy?" Rachel's father asked. Rachel's eyes widened and she held her breath. Nicole covered her mouth, here eyes saying she was sorry. Rachel looked over her shoulder to her father.
"He's a guy at school." Rachel said.
"And, your relationship with him, is it serious?' He asked. A small smile formed on his lips.
"Um…well….," Rachel wasn't sure what to say "maybe." Was all she could think of.
"When can I meet this Billy?" Rachel closed her eyes. She pictured them in the same room together and almost laughed. But this was not something she should be laughing about.
"When it gets serious."
"Fair enough."
"Ah…so…could you um…talk to Billy for me?" Nicole's eyes pleaded with her.
"Sure, I'll go now." Nicole got up and said good bye to Rachel's father then headed to the front door. Rachel turned to her father.
"Can I borrow the truck please?" Rachel smiled. Her father smiled back and handed her the keys.
"Before you go, just one question. Is he nice?" Rachel looked at her father and sighed.
"He is to me."
"Well that's all that matters then." He kissed her on the forehead and continued to put the groceries away.
Rachel knocked on Billy's door for several minutes until Joe answered. His hair was disheveled and he had pillow creases all over the left side of his face. Rachel smiled at him.
"Why didn't you use your key?" Joe asked. His voice was cracky.
"I have my dad's keys. Is Billy here?" Joe shook his head slowly while he yawned. "Do you know where he is?"
"The office."
"Oh."
"Yeah, so come back later. I'm sure he'll be home later."
"Ok." Joe smiled at her then shut the door. She left the apartment building and got into her truck. She pulled away and without thinking about it headed towards "the office".
She pulled up to the old building and stopped the truck. She cut the engine and looked around. Billy's car was parked in front of her. Heco's car was to the right and a white van was parked next to her. She took a deep breath and got out. She walked slowly to the stairs, crossing her arms over her chest. She crept up the stairs looking around with every step. The opening was dark and she couldn't hear or see if anyone was there. She took two steps into the darkness and quickly turned around going back down the stairs.
"What the fuck?" Rachel stopped dead in her tracks. She looked back to see Bodie coming at her fast. He grabbed her by her arm and walked her back to her truck.
"He sees you here, he'll kill you." Rachel looked up at Bodie with narrowed eyes. They were almost to her truck when Billy yelled Rachel's name. "Fuck." Bodie said.
"What the fuck are you doin' here?" Billy barked as he ran down the stairs. Bodie stood in front Rachel as Billy came charging across the gravel.
"I…Uh…I….," Rachel words stuttered as Billy was stopped by Bodie. She backed up as her fear of him rose. Her heart began to pound and she could feel her hands beginning to shake.
"Your not supposed to fuckin' be here!"
"What's the big deal?" Rachel asked and immediately wished she hadn't. Billy's eyes widened, he sniffed and tilted his head. He looked like he was going crazy. A groan came from his throat as he reached out to grab her. She backed up more but wasn't fast enough. He grabbed her arm, digging his fingers into her skin. She gasped as she felt herself falling closer to him. Bodie grabbed him pushing him back.
"Calm down dog!" Bodie yelled. "She didn't know."
"You don't fuckin' belong here!" Billy spat.
"I'm sorry." Rachel said as the tears swelled up in her eyes. Billy wouldn't let go of her. He didn't want her here. She couldn't be at this place. She was too innocent, too good. It was bad enough she was his girlfriend now. He knew what the future held for her being his girl, but this place, this hell whole he ran to survive was not safe for her. He could feel her pulling from him. The fear in her eyes almost excited him.
"Billy...let...go!" Rachel pulled her arm free. She couldn't believe what was happening. Bodie knew something she didn't if he was holding him back. Rachel ran to her truck grabbing her keys out of her pocket. Her fingers fumbled with the keys as she tried to put them in the door. Finally! She opened the door and jumped in. She started the truck and sped off. Billy pushed away from Bodie, turning to run to his car. He jumped in and sped off after her.
Rachel's breathing was out of control. What was wrong with him? What did he have there that would make him turn into a monster towards her? She wiped away the tears that were falling down her cheeks. Her driving was erratic. She was swerving in and out of lanes. She glanced at her rearview mirror and gasped. Billy was on her tail. He was only feet away from her when she turned quickly onto a block. He followed, beeping his horn at her. He pulled up beside her, his window open.
"Pull the fuck over, now!" He yelled. She shook her head no. He glanced at her once more before he sped up ahead of her. He pulled in front of her and stopped short. She slammed her foot on the break, stopping the car only inches away from his. Billy jumped out of his car and ran to her door. He tried to open it but she locked it before he got there.
"Rachel, open the door!"
"Billy, please go away," she cried "you're scaring me!"
"Rachel," he smacked her window "open the fuckin' door before I break the window." How was she going to explain a broken window to her father? She hesitated looking at him as she slowly reached over and unlocked the door. She held her breath, unsure of what he was going to do. He watched her open the lock and looked at her. His breathing was heavy and he rubbed his bald head. Rachel looked out the windshield as Billy opened the door. The tears were streaming down her face. He leaned his arms on the roof of the truck. His breathing was calming and his anger was leaving.
"Rachel," he said softly "look at me." She shook her head no, her lip quivering.
"Rachel." She shook her head no again. He sighed putting his head down. He put his arms down and reached over her, grabbing the keys from the ignition. "Look at me!" Rachel's face scrunched as she started to cry. She reached up wiping the tears quickly. She took deep breaths, trying to control herself. She slowly looked over at Billy. His eyes had softened his face was no longer hard.
"You," he looked her deep in her eyes "you don't understand!"
"You're right I don't understand!" She yelled, still crying. "I don't understand how you can scare me like this when I love you!" Billy's eyes narrowed. She had never said this before. He reached at her, grabbing the sides of her face, leaning in closer to her. He looked into her eyes. His lips hit hers hard. She wanted to push him away, to yell at him. She wanted to leave, never look at him again. But she didn't. She kissed him back grabbing the back of his neck kissing him harder. Billy could taste her tears as he devoured her mouth. He wanted her, more then he ever wanted her before. He hated himself for scaring her, but she couldn't be there. She could never be there again. His hand grabbed onto her hair pulling it back. She moaned slightly, making Billy want her more. He pulled away from her, watching her as she bit her lip.
"Let's go to my place." Billy whispered. Rachel nodded her head. Billy kissed her quick on the lips and put the key back in the ignition then headed towards his car. He got in and sped off. Rachel took a deep breath then pulled away. She headed to Billy's apartment confused at herself. Billy almost ran her off the road and now she was headed to his apartment, like nothing happened. She was losing herself with him. Apart of her was scared, while another part of her was loving every minute of it.
Billy kissed Rachel's neck, his goatee tickling her, making her smile. She moved over making her back press up against his chest. His body felt soft and warm up against hers. He wrapped his arm around her grabbing her hand. He put his fingers in-between hers. He pulled his hand up kissing her fingers. She turned her body around, facing him. Rachel kissed his lips.
"Did you mean what you said?" He asked.
"What?"
"That you loved me?" He whispered.
"Yes." He kissed her lips softly. He pulled away and smiled. She loved his smile. She didn't see it often, but when she did it was the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.
"Say it." He needed to hear her say it.
"I love you."
"Say it again." No one had ever told him that they loved him other then his mother and his brother. She smiled at him.
"I love you." She said in a whisper. He smiled and was about to kiss her when she put finger to his lips.
"I want to hear you say it again." She said. His eyes narrowed.
"What?" He asked.
"I want you to tell me you love me again." Billy's eyes widened. "I heard you that night, and I want you to say it to me again. To my face." He started to pull away from her when she grabbed his arms.
"Don't run away. Just say it. I need to hear you say it." He didn't want her to know. He didn't want anyone to know. He knew it was weakness when you said it. Weakness he couldn't afford to have. But there she was, beautiful and in love with him. How could he not tell her how he felt? He leaned close to her face. He kissed her forehead, then her nose.
"I love you." He whispered. Rachel smiled and her eyes watered. He hugged her, smelling her hair. Breathing her in. At that moment she knew she wanted to be with him forever. She never wanted to lose him.
"I just think you should talk to him. Explain what happened." Rachel said as she ate a slice of pizza. Billy had spent the rest of the day with her, making Bodie do his errands for him. Billy grabbed the last slice, eating it in a few bites.
"Your gonna choke." Rachel said pointing to his pizza. Billy rolled his eyes, getting annoyed as always. He swallowed the last of his pizza and wiped his mouth.
"How do you expect me to tell my brother to talk to his girlfriend who fucked some wanna-be behind his back?" He said as he lit a cigarette, raising his eyebrows at her.
"Billy, it was a mistake. Something she regrets and doesn't even fully remember."
"Ok, so she's a slut when she's shit faced. You think he's gonna wanna hear that?"
"Billy, please. Don't call her that. Just talk to him. For me if for anything." Billy sighed.
"Fine."
"Thank you." A loud knock was at the door making Rachel jump. Billy pulled himself up walking slowly to the door.
"Who is it?" Billy yelled through the door.
"It's me dog." Billy opened the door and let Bodie in. He sat down next to Rachel at the table.
"You feelin' better?" He asked her. Bodie was the only one of Billy's crew that seemed to have a soul. The rest were just there for the ride. Rachel nodded her head and smiled.
"Where's Joe?" Billy asked leaning against the counter.
"Where you think?" Bodie laughed.
"C'mon Ray, get dressed. We're goin' to the bar." Billy grabbed his coat as Rachel went to get her sneakers and jacket. The three of them left and headed to the Four Roses.
Joe could be seen at the back of the bar as they entered. Rachel didn't notice it at first, but as she walked closer she could see Joe wasn't alone. A short girl with long black hair and dark skin was on his lap. She had her fingers through his hair and she was kissing his neck. Billy smiled as he looked down at his baby brother. He was finally getting over Nicole. Rachel hit Billy when she saw the smirk.
"Ow! What the fuck was that for?" He spat. Joe jumped at the sound of Billy's voice. He looked over at Billy and Rachel who were looking down at him. The girl on his lap was pushed to the side of him and was clearly annoyed.
"Billy," Joe stood up, hugging his brother. "Ray, hey sweetheart." He leaned to hug her but she stopped him.
"Who's she?" She nodded to the girl. Joe looked back laughing nervously. Then he realized he didn't have to hide her. Nicole had cheated on him, when he was faithful to her. He looked back at Rachel, cleared his throat and smiled.
"That's Amy." He said. Rachel looked past him at the girl. She smiled a weak smile at Rachel. Rachel looked away and put her eyes on Billy. She raised her eyebrows at him. He sighed and leaned down to her ear.
"I'll talk to him after I get a few in him, ok?" Rachel smiled and kissed him.
"Thank you."
Rachel climbed into the booth. Billy took his coat off and sat next to her. Joe sat next to Amy and put his arm around her. Rachel narrowed her eyebrows at Joe, who in return raised his. Bodie grabbed a chair and pulled it to the table.
"A round's comin' boys….and ladies." A waitress Rachel had never seen before walked over with a tray of shot glasses and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Rachel made a ganging noise as Billy poured the shots.
"Are we gonna do this every time?" He asked.
"Pick something else."
"You don't like anything else, and I don't feel like fuckin' arguing."
"Fine. Jack it is." They all grabbed their glasses and downed the shots. Rachel looked over to Amy. She was closer to Joe now and whispering in his ear.
"So…Amy is it?" Rachel asked. Billy looked at her from the corner of his eye. He knew she was going to be starting trouble. Amy nodded her head, putting her hands back through Joe's hair.
"Well, I've never seen you before."
"Well, I've never seen you before." She hissed. Rachel managed to pull a slight smile, reaching her hand out for Amy to shake.
"I'm Rachel, Billy's girlfriend." Amy looked at Billy, wide eyed. She reached over and shook Rachel's hand.
"So the rumors are true." She laughed, making Rachel uncomfortable. "Billy is actually a taken man. Wow, never thought I'd see the day."
"Amy, enough." Billy warned. Amy looked away, putting her attention back to Joe. Billy poured them another round. Joe leaned over whispering something in Amy's ear. She giggled an annoying giggle making Rachel mad. Rachel was slowly turning into Billy when it came to other people's stupidity and annoyance. She couldn't tolerate it for nothing. This girl sitting across from her was eyeing her while she kissed Joes neck.
Billy watched Rachel from the corner of his eye. She was staring at Amy the entire night trying to talk to her as much as possible to keep her from putting her tongue down Joe's throat. Billy had promised her he would talk to Joe, but wasn't sure if he wanted to. Nicole screwed up, and if she were Billy's girl she would have bled already. He looked over at Rachel, examining at her face. He would lose himself completely if she ever betrayed him like that. No telling what he would do if she ever went to another man for something he gave her every time they were together. He clenched his jaw and shook his head. He couldn't think about something that may never happen. Rachel noticed this and wrapped her arm around his. She leaned her face closer to his and kissed his cheek.
"You ok?" She asked. He took a deep drag of his cigarette and let it out slow, nodding his head.
"When are we gonna leave Joey?" Amy asked. Joey? Since when did anyone call him Joey? Rachel's attention was now to them. She cleared her throat and started to talk when Billy interrupted.
"We need to talk." Billy looked at Joe then rose from his seat, grabbed his cigarettes and walked to the back of the bar. Joe looked over at Rachel, shrugged his shoulders then followed his brother. Amy rolled her eyes and huffed.
"So, you and Joe huh?" Amy looked over at Rachel.
"Yeah, me and Joe." She rolled her eyes.
"I'm sorry," Rachel smiled sarcastically "did I do something to upset you?"
"Listen, just because your fucking Billy doesn't mean I have to respect you." Rachel was dumbfounded. She wasn't expecting the girl to want to be her friend, but she didn't expect that. Amy looked away towards the back of the bar. She huffed to herself again. Rachel never used her rank as Billy's girlfriend as a way to make anyone respect her or to fear her. But at that moment, looking at Amy while she played with her nails and scrunched her face up with disgust Rachel wanted her to know she couldn't and shouldn't messed with. Rachel smiled and leaned over the table. Amy felt the table wobble and looked up at Rachel.
"Because I'm fucking Billy is the exact reason you will respect me!" Amy's eyes narrowed as she leaned closer to Rachel.
"Who hasn't fucked Billy?" Amy smirked. Rachel's eyes slightly widened and her jaw clenched. She rose up quickly, her arm about to grab Amy, when Bodie grabbed her shoulders, pulling her to him. Rachel's eyes wouldn't leave Amy's. The heat rose up through her body. She wanted to hit her, rip her hair out of her head. She could feel her breathing becoming irregular. Bodie could see this and he grabbed her face.
"Look at me." He said as he pulled Rachel's face to his, her eyes still on Amy. "She's just a dump whore. Don't let her get you like this." Rachel looked at Bodie. His eyes were soft with concern.
"I didn't know you before Billy, but I do know this isn't you." Rachel's face softened. "You get mad just as fast as he does." He shook his head. "Don't lose yourself Ray. Don't be like us. Billy won't have it, and neither will I." She knew why Billy trusted Bodie with his life.
"Joe!" Billy's voice rose from the back.
"Fuck this shit. My own fuckin' brother!" Joe walked quickly from the back of the bar. He walked over to Amy and grabbed her arm pulling her out of the booth. He looked back at Billy. "You're supposed to be on my side!" Joe yelled, making the few people in the bar place their attention to them. He stormed out of the bar without another word.
Billy was about to take a drag of his cigarette when Bodie and Rachel caught his eye. His eyes narrowed and he took a step closer to Bodie.
"What the fuck is going on?" Bodie looked at Rachel noticing his hand was still on her face. He let go quickly and looked back at Billy. Bodie patted Billy on his shoulder and walked away.
"I want to go." Rachel walked to the door, Billy following. "Take me to my truck." She said as she walked to Billy's car.
"Would you tell me what the fuck is going on?" Billy barked. Rachel stopped short turning to Billy.
"Who is that girl?" Rachel asked crossing her arms over her chest.
"What girl?" His eyes narrowed.
"The one with Joe."
"Amy."
"I know her name Billy. Who is she? Who is she to you?"
"She's," Billy paused taking the cigarette out of his mouth. He looked at Rachel as her eyes squinted at him "she's nobody to me." Rachel shook her head slowly then turned to walk to Billy's car. Billy sighed and rubbed his head. He followed Rachel and climbed into his car.
They drove in silence. Billy pulled up to an empty spot next to her truck. Rachel jumped out of his car. Billy got out of the car flicked his cigarette and grabbed her arm, turning her around.
"What?" He said.
"I didn't say anything."
"That's the problem. Your leaving without saying anything."
"I know that girl was a prostitute." Billy sighed looking away. "I can tell. She dressed like one, acted like one. And I heard her tell Joe she didn't have all night."
"What the fuck are you gettin' at Ray?"
"She basically told me that you've fucked everything in sight." Billy's eyes glazed over. "Maybe even her too?"
"So what?" Billy's face scrunched with annoyance. Rachel's eyes showed her hurt. "Why does it bother you so much what I did before I knew you?" Who was he kidding? He didn't want to know anything about her life before him. The thought of her touching someone else the way she did him make his head hurt. He didn't want to fight with her. They had done enough of that for today.
"It doesn't bother me. Just forget it." She turned to her truck and opened the door. She got in and was about to shut the door when Billy grabbed it.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Going home." Her head was down looking at the keys in her hand. He grabbed her chin pulling her face up.
"Hey," he could see her eyes had become glassy. He leaned in closer to her. "I love you." Rachel smiled and kissed him. Why did those words make everything better?
--
Rachel pulled into her driveway. She got out of the truck and headed to her door. It was late and she had school in the morning. She didn't want to wake her father and have him smell the liquor on her breath. She wasn't drunk or even buzzed, but he wouldn't believe her. She slowly headed to her room and got undressed. Her head just hit the pillow when her cell phone buzzed on her nightstand. She rolled over and picked it up.
"Hello."
"Why didn't you call me all day?"
"Nicole?"
"What did he say?"
"Oh Nicole, listen, he is really being a prick right now. Billy tried to talk to him and he flipped out." She couldn't tell her about Amy. She refused to hurt her anymore then she already was. "I really think he needs more time."
"Fuck it." Nicole sighed. "I was thinking about it all day. I love him and I want him, but I can't do this to myself. I'll see you tomorrow." Nicole didn't wait for Rachel's response before she hung up the phone. Rachel closed her cell and rolled back on her side. She was too tired to worry about this right now. She would talk to her friend in the morning.
