Back with another weekly update! This time we see some newer Askewniverse personalities that I'm hoping and praying you think are clever additions. Without further ado...
Marvel Munchies
Chapter 9
"Right, right, right, right, I totally agree. I would have never believed Colonel America capable of stuff like this. I mean, I saw this video on someone's Instagram where he ripped a guy's guts out, and wrapped it around his neck like a scarf." Ming said into the microphone. "I mean, the guy was America's first superhero president! The Cap woulda never stood for this."
"Yeah man, but he's not same guy anymore, he's been infected. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, he was one of the FIRST to be infected." Mike stated in response, into his own microphone.
The two employees of Broody's Secret Stash, Ming Chen and Mike Zapcic, sat at a card table near the back of the store, recording a podcast, as they did whenever Broody wasn't there. Despite all hell having been broken loose, they still considered it important to record episode #931 of We Sell Comics.
"I guess you're right," Ming Chen agreed solemnly, seeing Mike's point. After a moment of silence, he continued. "So, did you read the new issue of the Buffy comic?"
"No, how was it?"
"It's pretty okay, I guess," Ming replied. Just then, the store's entrance bell rang.
"Didn't you lock the front door, Ming?" Mike asked turning around.
"I thought I did…" Ming Chen lied.
Steve-Dave entered the store, followed by Walt Grover, who in his hand, carried a canister of gasoline.
"We made it Walt. Just think, we'll finally be able to get back at that idiot Broody Bruce for his constant mockery, and years of retail superiority over us. I just wish I could see the look on that smug asshole's face when we burn his fucking store to the ground." Steve-Dave growled, holding up a clenched fist.
"I dunno man, there's a lot of good stuff in here. Let's take a look around first, maybe…"
*SMACK*
Steve-Dave stood looking over Walt, having just backhanded him across the face, knocking him to the ground.
"You still don't get it, do ya Walt?!" Steve-Dave yelled, pointing his finger aggressively. "I'M the one who's keeping YOU alive. Out there, you'd be scooped up in a second by The Falcon, or Songbird, or any other zombified dickhead mask that can fly. And you know what? Unless you start spilling gasoline ALL OVER this place right now, I'll end you myself." He said matter-of-factly.
"Goddamn you Steve-Dave!" said a shaking Walt Grover. He was not shaking out of fear however. This time it was anger.
"What? So you're gonna choose now as your opportunity to man-up? Real smart…" Steve-Dave scoffed. He reached behind his back and pulled a 9mm handgun from the waistband of his jeans. "Start spillin' fanboy."
"Get back here you hippity-hoppity fuck!" Chronic yelled, running in hot pursuit of a superzombie-plague infected Toad.
"My bad! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to try to eat you! Go away!" The former Brotherhood of Mutants member called out behind him as he tried to escape the pair of still-living heroes pursuing him.
*SCRREEEECHHHHHH*
The Bluntmobile made a curved stop, and managed to slam it's back fender into Toad, sending the ZOMBIFIED mutant soaring into a brick wall nearby. Bluntman, sitting in the driver's seat of the Bluntmobile, gave his partner a thumbs up.
"Fuck yeah! Good work, old chum!" Exclaimed Chronic, cheering on his heroic counterpart. Bluntman hopped out of the Bluntmobile and proceeded to put handcuffs (and footcuffs) onto the dazed zombie-villain.
"Yo, I wish we could cut this freak's head off," commented Chronic, as they stood over their prisoner. "Didn't we used to have lightsabers, or some shit.?" he asked, annoyed.
Bluntman leaned in closer to Chronic and whispered nearly silently;
"Dude… copyright. We used to own bong-sabers."
"Oh," Chronic replied, understanding. "Then where the fuck are those at?"
Bluntman though for a moment. Suddenly, the husky crusader remembered where they had sold those particular items.
Broody stood behind the counter looking at two objects that appeared to be nothing more than a pair metallic smoking pipes.
"Uhhh, yeah guys… I don't run a head-shop, y'know? I usually deal in comics, and geek paraphernalia. Not like, weed paraphernalia."
"I don't think you fully understand Broody, my man." Jay said, picking up one of the tube shaped bongs. "These are the actual, for some reason, fully functional props from the film based off our motherfuckin' lives!" Jay flicked the switch on the base of the object and a bright green beam shot out from the top.
VRRRRRR!
As the green laser swiped about, Broody could hear it cut the air and feel heat coming from the illuminated blade.
"Okay! Okay! Shut it off!" Broody yelled, covering his face. Silent Bob grabbed the bong-saber from Jay's hand and deactivated it. The comic shop owner wiped sweat off his brow. "So, what do you guys want for these?"
"I dunno. Me and Lunchbox here were just trying to get a Playstation 3 so's we could play Grand Theft Auto while we wait for pizza to be delivered and shit. Howbout like, 300 bucks?" Jay suggested. Broody couldn't help but blankly stare at the unique state-of-the-art weapons technology on the counter before him.
"Uhhh, yeah. Deal." Broody said detachedly, opening the register and handing three hundred dollar bills to the former owner of the unusually lethal movie props.
"Oh yeah." said Chronic, returning from the flashback. "We gotta get that shit back." The masked adventurer stated. He hopped into the passenger seat of the Bluntmobile when they suddenly heard the restrained Toad call out.
"Hey! What about me!?" the zombie-mutant squirmed, his hands and legs locked up.
"We'll be back to decapitate your gross ass soon," Chronic taunted. "Just sit tight and try not to bite anyone, you weird little fuck!" A few seconds later the Bluntmobile was zooming off into the distance, towards the location of Broody's Secret Stash; 35 Broad St, Red Bank, New Jersey.
In the middle of outer space, the cosmic devourer of planets, Galactus, sat atop a hovering throne, sipping from a large mechanical canister containing a concentrated energy substance. The Silver Surfer, and his two newest heralds floated before him at attention.
"Tell me of your home-world, Bartleby and Loki." Galactus questioned the pair of demons inquisitively. Loki stretched his arms and turned his head to Bartleby.
"You wanna take this one pal? I'm beat, and I know how much you enjoy monologuing." The sarcastic former angel of destruction remarked, floating into a reclining position in the zero gravity conditions of space.
"Might as well…" Bartleby said disapprovingly before clearing his throat. "We originally came into being directly through the creative will of the one true God of our universe," he began. "My purpose was to serve as a Grigori, or 'watcher angel'. It was my duty to observe the destinies of free-willed beings, and help the heavens pass judgment on which mortals were worthy to ascend to the higher planes after death."
"My friend here, on the other hand…" Bartleby referred to lounging, winged being beside him. "…was once an 'angel of death', and responsible for carrying out the fury of our former Lord." Loki's demonic wings wrapped around himself like a blanket, as he attempted to nap.
"You failed to answer my question, herald. Where is your world?" Galactus asked, losing patience.
"We spent the majority of our time on a place called Earth, Eater of Worlds." Bartleby answered respectfully. "Home to humanity; one of the most mysterious races in the galaxies."
"Then that shall be your first offering to me." The cosmic giant commanded. "Silver Surfer, you shall follow my new heralds to this planet, Earth, and prepare it for my arrival; as you've done countless times in the past. Is this understood?"
"Yes, my lord." The surfer replied, bowing his head.
"Heralds!" Galactus boomed before sending them off. "If you deceive me, you may find that my punishments are quite comparable to any hells you may know." The Eater of Worlds stood from his throne and shouted out, pointing into space. "Go!"
That's some plot development right DERRRE SON! Hope y'all had a good time. See ya next chapter!
