Thank you to all of you for accepting my desire to know what's going on in Jacob's head. -- Thanks to jashaw for being a great beta!
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer rocks! All recognizable people, places and dialog belong to her.
Chapter Nine - Midnight Visit
I sat on my haunches, waiting for the lights to go out in the house. Bella's bedroom had gone dark hours ago, but I couldn't risk running into Charlie. My stomach was in knots, hoping that Bella would agree to speak with me. I'd hurt her so much this afternoon.
Finally, the house went black. I climbed the tree outside her window and leaned over so that the branches scraped eerily against her window. The tree was swaying and I held on awkwardly, hoping I didn't end up on my head in the dirt.
A thin figure came toward the window only to back away quickly.
"Bella!" I hissed in a whisper. The tree began to bow, threatening to snap under my weight. "Ouch! Damn it, open the window! OUCH!" I yelled as the branches were shredding my skin.
Her silhouette stood frozen on the other side of the glass for a few moments before she finally, threw the window open. "What are you doing?" she gasped.
"I'm trying to keep" -- I huffed, trying to steady myself for the jump into Bella's window -- "my promise."
She was blinking frantically against the tears that were threatening.
"When did you ever promise to kill yourself falling out of Charlie's tree?"
I snorted. She had no idea of how agile I'd become in the weeks since we'd been apart. "Get out of the way," I groaned.
"What?"
I swung my legs back and forth, gaining the momentum I needed.
"No, Jake!" she was panicking.
I kicked and my body flew through the window, clearing it and landing on the floor with a light thud. Bella's head matched mine as they snapped over to look at the door, making sure Charlie hadn't heard. When his snores continued, we both sighed in unison.
Bella looked bad -- and beautiful. Her face was splotchy and her eyes were puffy, as though, she'd been crying -- a lot. Over me? Did I dare hope?
"Get out!" she growled, the words dripping with venom.
My only reaction was blinking, surprised, until I found my voice. "No. I came to apologize."
"I don't accept!"
She placed her small, cold hands on my chest and pushed against me. As hard as she was trying, I didn't move. The night was cold, but I wasn't wearing a shirt. I didn't need one. Her touch was like electricity flowing through my core. She dropped her hands and backed away, staring at me.
Her body started to sway back and forth as her eyes were no longer focused.
"Bella?" I asked, grabbing her elbow and leading her toward the bed so she could sit down. "Hey, are you okay?"
She looked up at me, tears continuing to flow down her cheeks. "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?"
The angry mask I'd tried to keep plastered on my face, melted at her words. I had broken her just like that damn leech. "Right," I agreed. She had me there. "Crap. Well…I -- I'm so sorry, Bella."
"Why did you come here? I don't want apologies from you, Jake."
"I know," I conceded. "But I couldn't leave things the way I did this afternoon. That was horrible. I'm sorry."
She shook her head. "I don't understand anything."
"I know. I want to explain --" I stopped, remembering Sam's order, you can't tell her anything. I filled my lungs with air and thought for a moment. How can I word it so that I'm not 'telling' her? "But I can't explain," I could hear the bitterness in my response. "I wish I could."
Her head fell into her hands. "Why?" came her muffled question.
Because I'm a freakin' oversized dog that kills the very thing that destroyed you in the first place! I knew that I couldn't tell her that. My muscles tightened. My jaw clenched, holding my breath. What were the right words to lead her to the truth?
"What's wrong?" she finally asked when I didn't respond.
All the air in my lungs came out in a loud whoosh. "I can't do it," I groaned. Damn Sam, and his stupid rules!
"Do what?"
The wheels started spinning in my head and I decided to just go with it. "Look, Bella, haven't you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone?" I concentrated on her face -- her eyes -- for the confirmation that she understood what I was asking her. When I saw it, I continued, "Something you felt like you had to keep from Charlie, from your mom…?" I paused. "Something you won't even talk about with me? Not even now?"
Her eyes tightened and I waited for her arms to wrap around her middle, so she wouldn't fall apart at the thought of the stupid leeches. I was surprised when they didn't.
"Can you understand that I might have the same kind of…" I struggled, searching for the word that wouldn't give too much away. "situation? Sometimes, loyalty gets in the way of what you want to do. Sometimes, it's not your secret to tell."
She knew now that I knew the secret she was not willing to share. The one concerning the parasite who broke her heart.
"I don't know why you came here, Jacob, if you were just going to give me riddles instead of answers."
"I'm sorry," I whispered. I was doing the best I could. "This is so frustrating."
We kept staring at each other, her eyes were searching mine for the answers I couldn't give her. I wanted to tell her everything so badly. Then it dawned on me and I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before! She already knows everything! I felt hopeless, angry, frustrated -- and hurt.
"The part that kills me," I said, breaking the silence, "is that you already know. I already told you everything!"
"What are you talking about?"
I inhaled sharply, staring at her face intently. My nose was as close as it could get to hers without actually touching. "I think I see a way to make this work out -- because you know this, Bella! I can't tell you, but if you guessed it! That would let me right off the hook!"
"You want me to guess? Guess what?"
"My secret! You can do it -- you know the answer!"
Her eyebrows furrowed while her eyes blinked at me. She wasn't getting it! What if she never got it? I shook my head refusing to let myself consider that. She had to, she was a smart girl and I had to have faith that she would figure it out.
"Hold on, let me see if I can give you some help," I suggested, gulping for the breath my anxiety was taking.
"Help?" she asked, her eyes threatening to close with sleep.
"Yeah," my breathing was heavy and I sounded more like an obscene phone caller than a guy trying to explain his situation. "Like clues." I placed a hand on each cheek and forced her to look deep into my eyes. "Remember the day we first met -- on the beach in La Push?"
"Of course I do."
"Tell me about it."
She took a deep breath and started, "You asked about my truck…"
I nodded, urging her to continue. This had to work!
"We talked about the Rabbit…."
"Keep going."
"We went for a walk down the beach…."
Her cheeks were beginning to heat up under my palms and being so close to her, I had to focus on my mission. I wanted to kiss her so badly. But if there were to ever be any chance of that, I had to get her to remember.
"You told me scary stories…Quileute legends."
She was getting it. I closed my eyes, keeping my excitement in check. I opened them slowly. "Yes," I said, letting her know she was on the right track. The next question came out slowly, "Do you remember what I said?"
Her face drained of its color as her mind returned to the day I told her about her beloved Edward and his attraction to her blood.
"Think hard," I encouraged her.
"Yes, I remember," she breathed.
I inhaled deeply, struggling for the right wording for my next question. "Do you remember all the stor-…"
You can't tell her anything! Sam's former instructions again screamed in my mind.
"All the stories?" she asked.
I nodded, trying to get Sam out of my head.
She sat there in silence, her mind spinning behind her eyes.
I couldn't take it anymore. I let out a groan, jumped off the bed and started pacing. "You know this, you know this," I muttered.
"Jake? Jake, please, I'm exhausted. I'm no good at this right now. Maybe in the morning…"
No! This can't wait! I can't wait! I took a deep breath, reminding myself I couldn't push her on this. "Maybe it will come back to you. I guess I understand why you only remember the one story," I added sarcastically. I plopped down on the bed next to her. "Do you mind if I ask you a question about that?" I didn't even try to hide the sarcasm. "I've been dying to know."
"A question about what?"
"About the vampire story I told you."
Her eyes were guarded and her mouth was unable to respond to me.
"Did you honestly not know?" I snarled, my voice full of the emotions coursing through my veins. "Was I the one who told you what he was?"
Her face was revealing more than she intended. Her teeth clenched closed, unwilling to verify what I'd told her I already knew. She stared at me.
"See what I mean about loyalty?" my voice husky. "It's the same for me, only worse. You can't imagine how tight I'm bound…." My eyes drifted closed in agony as I contemplated how tightly I was bound to this horrible secret.
"Isn't there any way for you to get free?" her sweet, soft voice asked. Her hand brushed at the back of my now short hair.
My hands started trembling at her touch. I needed her so much. I didn't dare open my eyes for fear I might lose all composure; nor did I dare reach out to her with my shaking hands. "No, I'm in this for life. A life sentence." I coughed out a pathetic laugh. "Longer, maybe."
"No, Jake," she moaned. "What if we ran away? Just you and me. What if we left home, and left Sam behind?"
As much as I liked the idea of running away from my life with Bella, that wasn't an option. "It's not something I can run away from, Bella," I whispered. "I would run away with you, though, if I could." The shaking had now spread to my shoulders. "Look, I've got to leave."
"Why?"
"For one thing, you look like you're going to pass out at any second. You need your sleep -- I need you firing on all pistons. You're going to figure this out, you have to."
"And why else?"
"I had to sneak out -- I'm not supposed to see you. They've got to be wondering where I am." My brothers were going to lose it when they found out where I'd been and who I'd been talking to. "I suppose I should go let them know."
"You don't have to tell them anything," she hissed, angry.
"All the same, I will," I told her, knowing that the second I was a wolf, they would all know everything we'd discussed.
"I hate them!" she yelled.
I was surprised by her outburst. Bella's sweet heart didn't have the capacity to hate. "No, Bella. Don't hate the guys. It's not Sam's or any of the others' faults. I told you before -- it's me. Sam is actually… well, incredibly cool." She opened her mouth as though she were going to voice a retort, but I continued before she could say anything. "Jared and Paul are great, too, though Paul is kind of…" I let the thought trail off. "And Embry's always been my friend. Nothing's changed there -- the only thing that hasn't changed." I groaned. "I feel really bad about the things I used to think about Sam…."
"Then why aren't you supposed to see me?" she demanded, putting her hand on her petite hip.
"It's not safe," I mumbled, refusing to look in her eyes. "If I thought it was too…too risky," I whispered, "I wouldn't have come. But Bella," I let my eyes find hers, "I made you a promise. I had no idea it would be so hard to keep, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try."
She stared at me as though she didn't understand what I was referring to. That hurt.
"After that stupid movie," I reminded her. "I promised you that I wouldn't ever hurt you…. So I really blew it this afternoon, didn't I?"
"I know you didn't want to do it, Jake." She knew me too well. "It's okay."
"Thanks, Bella." I'd managed to calm myself, so I took her hand. "I'm going to do what I can to be here for you, just like I promised. It would really help if you could figure this out on your own, Bella." I smiled encouragingly. "Put some honest effort into it."
"I'll try."
"And I'll try to see you soon." I sighed, knowing what my brothers' reaction would be. "And they'll try to talk me out of that." I just hoped they wouldn't forbid it.
"Don't listen to them," she snarled, the anger reappearing.
"I'll try." I shook my head, knowing I didn't stand a chance of not listening to their constant griping about my seeing her. "Come and tell me as soon as you figure it out." The next thought that flashed through my mind caused every cell in my body to threaten a change. What if she couldn't accept what I was? What if she hated me? "If you…if you want to," I added painfully.
"Why wouldn't I want to see you?"
I composed my face into the mask that would protect Bella from the onslaught of emotions that were threatening to consume me. "Oh, I can think of a reason," the words sounded more harsh than I meant. "Look, I really have to go. Could you do something for me?"
She just nodded.
"At least call me -- if you don't want to see me again." It hurt to even think of the idea. "Let me know if it's like that."
"That won't happen --"
I raised a hand, stopping her from making a promise she might not be able to keep. "Just let me know."
"Don't be an idiot, Jake," she complained as I stood at the open window. "You'll break your leg. Use the door. Charlie's not going to catch you."
"I won't get hurt," I muttered, but turned toward the door anyway, just to please her. My eyes were locked on hers as I walked passed her. I stopped and held out a hand toward her.
She placed her small hand in my much larger one. In one swift movement, I pulled her off of the bed into my chest. "Just in case," I muttered against her hair, inhaling her scent. I wrapped my arms around her.
"Can't -- breathe!" she gasped.
I released her, realizing I had almost crushed her. I kept one hand on her waist to steady her. Then I pushed lightly on her shoulders. She plopped back down on the bed.
"Get some sleep, Bells. You've got to get your head working. I know you can do this. I need you to understand. I won't lose you, Bells. Not for this." With my final plea, I turned toward the door and was out in the hall before she could say anything else.
I exited the house and went directly to the tree line. I stood for a moment, calming my thoughts before I phased. I knew hell was coming.
Sure enough, as soon as Sam heard my conversation, he lost it. What the hell were you thinking? I told you that you couldn't see her.
I know, but I broke that today when she showed up at the house. So I thought…
You didn't think! What if something would have happened? What if you hurt her? What if you'd lost control? What if you'd slipped?
Geez, Sam! Stop the what if's! Nothing happened. Bella is still in one piece and I didn't tell her anything.
Whatever, Jake! Jared groaned.
Why don't you go home and get some sleep, Sam muttered.
But I'm supposed to patrol tonight.
You need to think about your priorities, Jake. The tribe. The pack. A growl escaped from deep in his chest. Call me in the morning.
Fine, I snarled. If they didn't want my help tonight, I could accept that. I would spend the hours alone with my thoughts. Hoping she wouldn't hate me when she figured out the monster I had become.
I got home and all the lights were out. I quietly made my way to my bedroom, not wanting to wake my dad. He wouldn't be happy about my activities tonight any more than Sam had been.
I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, my mind whirling. She'd been so angry at the thought of Sam consuming so much of my time. She cried at the pain I was feeling. I watched as her heart broke again at the mention of the Cullens' secret.
It took every ounce of willpower I had to leave her room. I hoped it wouldn't take her too long to understand. Fear was the dominant emotion now. It was only a matter of time before she figured out what had happened to me.
Only a matter of time before she knew I was a monster, was my last thought as I drifted into my dreams.
