Chapter 9
Other Kurt stretched a little as he woke up. He was confused at first and then felt the body lying beside him in the bed. Right, Sebastian. They were almost on top of each other, due to the small size of the dorm room bed.
He felt horrible for the way he'd acted last night. He had thought that all Sebastian wanted him for was sex. And he didn't listen to him at all. Maybe if he had, he would have realized what was going on.
Sebastian had waited a full hour for him at the restaurant. He had bought them wine. He'd just wanted to get to know him. And Other Kurt had shoved it all in his face.
Maybe he could get up and leave now, before Sebastian woke up. But would that be even worse? While he was contemplating this, he didn't notice Sebastian waking up, until he spoke.
"You stayed."
Other Kurt turned around with a slight smile on his face. "Yeah. You asked me to."
"Still didn't think you would," Sebastian mumbled. Now Other Kurt felt even worse about considering leaving.
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm sorry I made so many assumptions last night. That wasn't fair."
Sebastian pushed himself up in the bed more, the cover slipping, and Other Kurt realized that Sebastian was still naked. Other Kurt looked away for a moment ashamed of his behaviour.
"Hey, what else were you supposed to think? That's all you knew about me," Sebastian said.
Other Kurt was really starting to realize he knew next to nothing about Sebastian. He had spent so much time hating him for going after Blaine that he realized Sebastian was right. He didn't know anything about him. Just like Sebastian didn't know much about him.
"I'm still sorry," Other Kurt said.
"Well, in the interest of full disclosure, maybe I should tell you what's going on for me at least."
"Okay," Other Kurt replied.
Sebastian sighed, ready to start.
"Maybe you should put some clothes on first if we're having a serious discussion, though," Other Kurt interrupted.
Sebastian snorted in amusement and grabbed a pair of sweat pants.
"Okay, well. Here goes," he said. "I'm not proud of how I acted back in Lima. It wasn't right, and I feel like an ass. But it starts before that. In Paris. And look, I'm going to tell you this shit because I really want to give this a try, but if you use any of this to get back at me…"
"I won't," Other Kurt said. Sebastian sounded genuine.
"Okay. So I had a boyfriend, back in Paris. He was nice, sweet. I was naïve. I don't really want to go into it much, but he used me for sex. And then he told me I was shit at it and wasn't worth it and dumped me. I took it hard. Moved to Lima. I didn't want to be hurt like that again so I figured if I acted like an ass, no one could get to me."
Other Kurt chewed on his lip as he listened. It seemed like the abridged version but who was he to judge. They really didn't know each other that well.
Sebastian continued. "I acted cocky. Like I was the greatest thing ever created and no one else mattered. I put on a mask to hide myself from the world. Because I'm really this weak fucker who can't do shit, but I don't want anyone to know that. I slept around, always on top. So I would be in control. And I went after Blaine. I wasn't really… I wouldn't have done anything. I just needed to keep up that image."
"So you didn't really want him at all?" Other Kurt asked.
"He was the first guy I saw that didn't go to Dalton with me. And the Warblers kept spouting his praise so I figured he couldn't be a bad guy… I wanted to maintain my reputation but I didn't want to have to see the guy every day. But he was dating you. So I kept acting like an ass, and I couldn't stop. And it went way too far. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. Instead of me getting hurt this time, I was the one causing it."
"Sebastian," Other Kurt said. This was really personal.
"I didn't mean for Blaine to get hurt. I didn't mean for Dave… I said things to him and he... he almost died. I can't be that ass anymore so I dropped the attitude. But I don't know who to be anymore." Sebastian frowned. "I don't even know what that means."
Sebastian was lost. That's what it meant. And was rediscovering himself. That would be a lot of work and he wanted to do it with him? Other Kurt didn't know if he could give him that. If he could be the one to help him figure it out. He was still lost himself. He'd broken into two to figure himself out. Maybe there was some way he could help Sebastian figure himself out before he broke in two as well.
"It means you're human. You're in New York; you can explore and find yourself."
"I'm just me. I just want you to give me a chance and see if you could like… I'm not that guy you knew before. So, I'll leave it up to you. I know I'm a mess, and this heart to heart is too gay even for me."
"Sebastian. First of all, I don't know why talking about your feelings is a bad thing. But also… I just broke up with Blaine."
"I know. And I don't want this to be some rebound thing for you so I understand if you don't want to, but I want to try. You're different. Strong, somehow, even after all the shit I did, and everyone else."
Strong. Right. If only Sebastian knew. "We can try," Other Kurt said, finally. It felt like some sort of betrayal to himself. How was this going to work? He basically just agreed to date Sebastian. Or go on dates. Yet Kurt was with Blaine, or was going to get back together with him. Was it really possible for this to work on any level? Other Kurt had a horrible feeling about how this was going to end. Would they stay separate forever? It didn't seem feasible. But for now…
After all Sebastian told him, Other Kurt didn't know if he should. He just said he'd try, but this was going to hurt Sebastian in the end, and Sebastian just explained how he was hurt in the past, by his old boyfriend. So he could try for himself, because Sebastian didn't seem so bad, and looked like he needed this. And he would try his hardest not to hurt him.
Sebastian was looking at the bed with a slight smile. "Okay."
"But I have to ask. Why me? Why did you tell me all this?"
"I needed to tell someone or I'd explode," Sebastian said. "I really don't know anyone else here, like I said. I haven't made many friends. I couldn't figure out how to act around them. Be a cocky ass like before? Or try to be nice."
"Just be yourself," Other Kurt responded.
"Yeah. So you, because… I know you, and there might be something there."
Something there. Yeah, there might be. "Okay."
"Hey, so no pressure. Let's just get to know each other."
Other Kurt smiled back. Maybe he was right. They didn't know each other and it couldn't hurt.
"Well, I did have a good night last night, but I probably should head home," Other Kurt finally said.
"Oh, yeah. Okay."
"Surprised your roommate isn't back," Other Kurt said.
Sebastian shrugged. "It was Thanksgiving. He went home."
"Oh my god! It was Thanksgiving! Wait, why were you here? Did I ruin your night? Were you going home?"
"Calm down, wow. I was staying in for Thanksgiving anyway, and I think the night went okay, after we cleared some things up."
"Yeah. Okay. I just didn't want to ruin your holiday."
"You didn't ruin it."
"I really have to go now," Other Kurt said, putting the rest of his clothes on.
"Okay," Sebastian responded.
Other Kurt got up and headed to the door, turning back at the last minute when Sebastian walked up to him. He let out a little gasp as Sebastian's lips pressed against his.
"One for the road, in case you have your doubts," Sebastian said with a wink. There was the cocky attitude again, but Other Kurt knew better. Sebastian was just scared of being hurt again.
Other Kurt smiled softly. "Better make it two," he said, kissing him again.
He finally made it out of the dorm and leaned against the closed door. He was probably in way over his head. And he knew there was no way he could let Kurt know about this. He'd be in so much trouble.
Kurt and Blaine woke up in the morning, still wrapped around one another. They both were pretending to sleep, as Kurt could tell from Blaine's steady breathing, a bit too fast for being asleep. They both didn't want to move, but they knew if they showed the other they were awake, they'd have to pull back.
Kurt cracked an eye open, peering at Blaine as much as he could through the tiny slit. He looked so calm and peaceful right now. It really confused Kurt how any of this could have happened. How could they have gone from being so happy to being such a mess? From now on, Kurt was making Blaine a priority, which he should have done in the past. He should have answered his calls and been there for him. And in return, he knew Blaine would be there for him. And no one else.
Kurt had imagined mornings like these before. What it would be like to live together. Having Blaine there with him, with no parents in the house, was amazing. There was no one to tell them what to do or stop them from doing anything.
And yet, they weren't together.
Maybe Kurt had to change that.
He felt Blaine shift in his arms and couldn't help the smile that slid on his face. Blaine finally blinked his eyes open slowly and stared at him, clearly holding his breath for a few seconds. "Hi."
"Good morning, Blaine."
"Sorry, I didn't mean for us to get all tangled up like this," Blaine said, starting to pull back, but Kurt stopped him.
"Don't. I missed you. Stay."
"Okay," Blaine said. His eyes were searching for something in Kurt's.
"I always imagined this," Kurt started. "What it would be like to wake up in your arms and not have to worry about being interrupted."
"Me too," Blaine replied. "I'm sorry I screwed up and I'd never-"
"Shh, I know," Kurt replied, his finger going to toy with some of Blaine's hair. The gel didn't seem to last very well overnight and Kurt had to wonder if Blaine truly slept like that all the time. He was still so fussy about his curls even though Kurt had seen them.
"Okay?" Blaine asked, hopeful.
"Yeah," Kurt replied.
Blaine buried his face into Kurt's chest, breathing in. Kurt could feel his body convulse with soft sobs.
"Blaine, what is it?"
"I didn't think… I never thought I'd get to do this again."
"Well, cheer up. You're here, I'm here, let's make the most of it, alright?"
"Of course," Blaine said, looking up at Kurt.
Kurt looked back at him fondly. It was too easy to fall back. And he had a feeling he already had. He had always loved him, never stopped. And he had a feeling he had just about forgiven him. They'd go slow, but they were okay.
"You have stubble," Kurt commented idly as his hand trailed along Blaine's jaw.
"Yeah, I didn't shave yesterday."
"I can barely grow anything."
Blaine shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I look like a caveman if you leave me a few days and I don't gel my hair."
"Now that's something I want to see one day."
"Maybe one day," Blaine said, a smile finally on his face.
They lay there a bit longer before Blaine finally said, "We should probably get up."
"Why? I'm comfy," Kurt said, unwilling to move farther away from Blaine.
"So are we just going to stay in bed all day?"
"I'm not opposed."
Blaine bit his lip, and Kurt giggled. "Okay, let's get up."
They both got out of bed and Kurt let Blaine shower first, while he walked out into the other room. Rachel didn't seem to be up yet either, so Kurt settled for flipping through a magazine. Soon Blaine was out and they switched.
When Kurt made his way back to the kitchen, he saw Blaine setting the table for breakfast.
"So what do you think? Cereal okay or something a little more substantial?"
"Cereal's fine."
And then Blaine was moving to grab the box, knowing immediately which one was Kurt's and pouring him some. It was all so domestic and Kurt hoped it would be like this in the future.
Kurt watched Blaine pour himself some as well and went to grab the milk, bringing it to the table and pouring it for them. They put the rest away and sat down to eat.
This could truly be what it was like. Five years… ten years down the road. Just the two of them, eating breakfast. Sure, they'd hopefully not live with Rachel anymore. And they'd be in a different apartment. Maybe in the future get a house somewhere.
But as Blaine gazed up at him over his bowl of cereal, Kurt grinned back.
The next day was just about the same as the last, spending time with Blaine in the city, and Kurt falling more and more in love with him. They slept in the same bed, made each other meals, and doted on the other.
But Kurt started feeling more anxious, and he couldn't figure out why.
Then before he knew it, it was time for Blaine to go home. Kurt logically knew that he couldn't stay forever. He had come for Thanksgiving, when he had time off. But Christmas wasn't too far away and they could wait to see each other again.
Kurt went with Blaine to the airport to see him off. They had both stalled as much as they could back at the apartment. Blaine had to repack his bags. Then Kurt didn't want him to forget him so he found a scarf Blaine could take back with him. Then Blaine had to check his flights again. But finally they ran out of excuses, so they stood in the airport after getting Blaine checked in, staring at each other and shuffling their feet.
"So, I guess, I'll see you at Christmas, right?"
"Yeah, I think I'm heading back to Lima, so we'll definitely see each other."
"Good," Blaine responded.
"Yeah, good," Kurt said.
They shuffled a bit more before Blaine bit his lip and picked up his bag. "I guess I better go."
"Right, I guess so."
But still, neither of them moved.
"Kurt, I just need to know, where do we stand after this? I mean it's been amazing and I love getting to see you again but I don't know how you feel about me anymore and it's killing me and I know I said I wouldn't pressure you but I just need to know if there's hope anymore or even a small chance we'll get back together and I just need to know because-"
Kurt raised an eyebrow as Blaine rambled and took a couple steps closer, grabbed the back of his head, and kissed him.
Blaine froze for a moment, dropping his bags, before he was kissing back. Wow, Kurt had missed this so much.
They pulled back slowly and Blaine had a look of amazement on his face, a tear slowly running down it. "You kissed me," he said.
"Yeah."
"Why?" Blaine asked.
"Because I love you."
"I love you too," Blaine said.
Kurt smiled at him shyly. Good. Maybe they were good. "You probably… you have to go."
"I do. But does this… does it mean?"
"It means… I can't live without you and I love you. And we're going to take it slow, because I'm still in New York and you're still in Lima, and that's not going to change. And I'm going to see you on Christmas."
"Okay," Blaine said, his smile now blinding.
"You have to go."
"I'm going."
"Blaine," Kurt said.
"Okay," Blaine said and picked up his bag again. He started walking but he kept turning around to see Kurt and Kurt kept flashing him a brilliant smile in return.
Finally, when Blaine was out of sight, Kurt left. He had done the right thing, he could feel it. It had made Blaine so happy so it was right. And he wanted to be with Blaine again. They'd work out the long distance issues. They'd be better to each other. But he felt like it could work.
Kurt made his way back to the apartment and heard a noise inside. He froze, wondering who could be there and walked in slowly. This was probably the worst idea ever. What if they were being robbed?
He kept walking and then one of the floorboards creaked. He winced, and then a head poked out of his room. It was Other Kurt. Kurt let out a sigh of relief and then his brow scrunched up. Kurt had almost forgotten about him with everything going on with Blaine. But where the heck had he been?
Now it made more sense how anxious he'd been feeling as time passed. He didn't think they were supposed to be separated for that long.
"Where have you been?" Kurt questioned.
"Where have I been? Really? Now you care?"
"You ran off in Central Park and I haven't seen you since. Are you okay?" Kurt asked softly.
Other Kurt exploded. "No! I'm not okay! I can't spend time with Blaine like that. It hurts too much. I don't know how you can't see it!"
"Because I love him!"
"Why don't you understand? I love him too! But every time I see him I think of someone else's hands on him, touching him… fucking him."
"Oh, like you're one to talk?" Kurt retorted.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You said you slept with other guys!"
"So? I'm not currently in a relationship!"
"So he cheated! He won't do it again!" Kurt yelled.
"How do you know? There's no way to know!" Other Kurt yelled back.
They stared at each other breathing deep for a moment.
Finally Kurt spoke again. "Where did you go? Were you… safe?"
"I stayed over at a friend's house one night. Snuck in here and slept on the couch for the others. However if you were referring to condoms, then yes, I did use one."
Kurt winced and shook his head. "Stop sleeping around!"
"I'm not sleeping around."
"You just said you did!"
"It's only sleeping around if you're with multiple people."
Kurt scoffed. "So what, you found yourself a new boyfriend?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Other Kurt said, though he was biting his lip. And Kurt knew he did that when he was contemplating something.
"You can't date someone else. How would that work? I'm with Blaine."
"What?" Other Kurt's head snapped up. "You're back together?"
"I… I don't know. I think so? I kissed him at the airport when he left. I told him I want us to be us again."
"Fuck," Other Kurt said, and began pacing.
"Look. We're going to take it slow and work through our issues. There's still a lot there."
"Damn right." Other Kurt seemed to deflate. "So you're back with Blaine."
"And you're with…?" Kurt trailed off.
"It's not… it's… I don't know what it is. Don't make a big deal about this."
"Well, tell me what's going on, then? I just told you."
Other Kurt shook his head. "You'll just get pissed at me and yell." He ran a hand through his hair.
Other Kurt looked really messed up over this and Kurt didn't know what was going through his head. Maybe he had to trust himself. He would tell him when he was ready.
"Just be careful. I don't know how long we're going to be like this, and you don't want to hurt anyone."
"I know. God, I know that. I really don't want to… but I have to do this."
"Are you sure you can't tell me who it is? Do I know him?"
Other Kurt shrugged. "I know him, so you know him, right? Same person."
Kurt finally let out a little chuckle. He really didn't like arguing with himself. "Just tell me one thing. Is he the guy whose place you stayed at?"
Other Kurt nodded.
"And… did you sleep with him?"
Other Kurt nodded again.
"Fine, okay. So what, this makes…. four?"
"Three. Same guy as number three."
"Oh."
Other Kurt finally seemed to relent. "Look. I know this is crazy. You're trying to work things out with Blaine and I have this guy who needs me now. But I guess it's a good thing we can be at two places at once, right? Hopefully, I'll work this thing out and then we can work out whatever happened to us, make it right."
"Okay," Kurt said softly.
They felt some of the tension dissipate, but they still felt a weird pulsing need in their bodies.
"I don't think we should stay separated this long," Kurt said.
"Yeah. It doesn't feel right," Other Kurt agreed. "But we need to work a few things out."
"Like what?" Kurt asked.
"I… I can't be around Blaine too much right now. I have to… focus on myself, and letting myself forgive him first."
"That's fair," Kurt said.
"So if you're going to Skype him, or call him… I'd prefer not to be there."
"Okay," Kurt said.
"And I have to…. Uh… deal with the guy I know too. So I may not always be here. But we have to work out some kind of code, or signal or something, so I can come back in here without Rachel or anyone else seeing. The couch is really horrible."
Kurt chuckled. "Okay. Wait… you said you had a cell phone, right?"
"That could be tricky if someone reads it but sounds good for now."
Kurt nodded. "And don't be gone for so long at a time anymore, alright?"
"Yeah," Other Kurt agreed. "It makes me incredibly anxious."
"So for now, we agree… to try to work out our own issues? And I'll work on things with Blaine and you with… your mystery guy in need?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, good. Sure you won't tell me who he is?"
"Nope. Trust me, I am you after all. He's… in a delicate place right now. I don't want to scare him off by you going to yell at him. He told me some things…"
"Okay. I know people have secrets and while you are me, he technically told only you. So fine. But don't keep it a secret for too long, okay?"
"Okay."
"And please, don't date him, or something ridiculous. And don't sleep with him again. The ultimate goal here is to get us back as one and back together with Blaine. Right?"
Other Kurt blinked. "Right."
Something was a little off there, but then Other Kurt shrugged and disappeared. Kurt stood there, trying to see if he could feel what it was. He felt complete again. He barely realized how much of himself he had missed when they were separate. But now he could tell.
He tried to search his brain for anything that could give him a hint, but some things felt locked down. Other Kurt was good at hiding. And there was definitely something he was hiding.
.
Hey all! Hope you enjoyed! I know it's taking me longer to post chapters… I'm trying my best.
Anyway, let me know what you think!
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