Lexa gulped. "Stitches?" Her leg felt like it was on fire although the blonde's hand was cool.
"Yes, stitches. The ones I gave you when you came to me at my old clinic with shrapnel littering your thigh." Clarke maintained an unwavering gaze on the other woman.
Lexa's mind was firing at a million miles a minute. Should she confirm or deny? What would be the consequences of Clarke knowing she was Nightblood? What would she do with this information? Could she be trusted? Would it put her life at risk?
Lexa sighed and submitted. "How long have you known?"
The tension between them let up as the truth was confirmed and Clarke took a step back. "I don't know. It just kind of came to me gradually. I definitely didn't realize that was you when you came to me for help the day of the bank bombing. I think I first entertained the idea the night Costia died. You were nowhere to be found, but Nightblood was all over the news and the internet. I remember thinking about both of you and my heart was breaking for both of you... And then the thought just stuck me - what if Nightblood is Lexa? I kept thinking about it the next few days and it just made sense that if Nia Haiplana knew Nightblood's identity and wanted to attack her personally, going for the person she loved would make the most sense."
Lexa just nodded, the memories still all too fresh.
Clarke continued, "So then I figured one way to know for sure would be to see if your leg was sensitive since it would certainly still be healing from that kind of injury."
Lexa gave a faint chuckle. "Well done, detective. Even our actual head detective doesn't know."
Clarke's brows knit together as she studied the woman before her. "How can you do this, Lexa?"
"Do what, exactly? How can I balance two demanding, separate identities and cope after someone I love was murdered before my eyes and I was powerless to stop it even though a choice I made caused it?"
Clarke just stared for a moment as the weight of Lexa's words made the air thick. "Uh, yeah. All of that, I guess."
Lexa shook her head as she pushed off her desk and walked to the large window at the other side of her office.
Clarke cringed and felt like an idiot as she watched her walk away. Only a few minutes ago they were laughing and enjoying the afternoon together. "I'm so sorry, Lexa. I didn't mean to bring all this up. I just had to know if it was true."
"Of course - curiosity is a natural thing." Lexa took a deep breath and kept her gaze out the window. "Well, I'm moving in a few days. I have most of my things packed up now. That's part of how I'm dealing with everything."
Clarke felt a lump in her throat. "Moving?" she whispered.
Lexa's stony expression softened to a faint smile as she turned to Clarke. She looked lovely in the rosy glow streaming into the room; this wasn't the first time Lexa had noticed how her blonde hair brilliantly reflected whatever light she was immersed in. "Don't worry, Clarke. I won't be far. Just a few miles from where I am now."
Clarke felt her body relax. "Good." She quickly became aware of the emotion she was showing next to the stoic city planner and tried to not be so transparent.
Lexa glanced to a clock on the wall and tsked. "Damn it, I have a board meeting in ten minutes that I am not prepared for." Her eyes grew wide and apologetic.
Clarke nodded in understanding. "It's fine, Lexa. I've taken up way too much of your time anyway." She couldn't deny she felt crestfallen, and she hated that she felt that way. It was ridiculous. Clarke turned to find her purse and her breath hitched as she felt a gentle touch on her arm. Her cheeks flushed as she turned back.
"You never take up too much time, Clarke. Believe me - I'd much rather be with you than with them."
Clarke couldn't seem to form words anymore. She just lost herself in the green eyes in front of her.
Lexa's brow furrowed and she glanced to the ground. "I'm sure I don't have to say this, but you can't tell anyone about... Well, you know what." Her eyes quickly met Clarke's again. "You haven't, right?"
Clarke smiled as she shook her head, the motion finally bringing her mind back to speed. "No, of course not, and I won't. I understand what a delicate thing this is."
"Thank you. We'll get together again soon, okay? We can talk more and I'll brace myself for all the questions I'm sure you have."
Clarke nodded as a smirk spread across her lips. "Good. More time to think of more questions." Lexa laughed, and Clarke was glad to see her relax again. Clarke gathered her things and moved toward the exit. She touched the handle of the door and turned back and found that Lexa was still rooted to her spot by the window and still looking at her. Clarke hoped she wasn't blushing. "It was good to see you again, Lexa."
Lexa's lips turned up in a half smile. "You too, Clarke. Have a good day and drive safe."
Clarke just nodded with a grin as she ducked out of the office. There was a lilt to her step as she walked down the hallway, and she even gave a quick wave of parting to the secretary who never smiled. When she got into the empty elevator she pressed the first floor button, leaned against the wall, closed her eyes, and smiled. This had been a good day.
Clarke glanced up from her book to see Raven staring at her from across the room.
"What are you looking at, creep?" She smirked.
"You were anxious this morning and now you're giddy tonight. You're over there twirling your hair and smiling and tapping your feet. And you're reading Jurassic Park... No Michael Crichton book has made me feel like that." Raven laughed as she shook her head. "You must be PMSing, right? That's when you get these crazy mood swings."
Clarke chuckled. "No, Aunt Flo left last week."
"Then what happened today that... Oh." Raven's eyes widened as the realization dawned on her. "You were with Lexa today, which was why you were nervous this morning." She tilted her head, fully examining her roommate. "Is she why you're practically bouncing off the walls now?"
Clarke sunk down deeper into the couch. "No. My moods have nothing to do with Lexa."
Raven gaped. "No way - I'm so right. You're blushing, Griffin. I've wondered for a while, but this just confirms it. You're totally into her!" Raven's jaw dropped even further as her quick mind considered all the implications. "But oh my god, you can't be into her. Her girlfriend - and our friend - just died, Clarke! What the hell are you thinking?"
Clarke buried her head in her hands. "I don't know."
"Oh god. I really was right." Raven dropped next to her on the couch and placed a hand on her friend's knee. "How long?"
Clarke shook her head and let her gaze rise up to meet Raven's. "I don't know. I didn't even realize it before now. But I think I've known and just been in denial."
"Does Lexa know? Does she feel the same way?"
"I think 'no' is the answer to both of those questions."
"But you don't know for sure?"
"If I'm just barely realizing I have these feelings, do you honestly think I've talked to Lexa about them?"
Raven shrugged. "I didn't know if this was something she initiated or reciprocated at all."
"I don't know what initiated it," Clarke sighed. "But I can't get her out of my head, Ray. I haven't for days - longer, probably. I just miss her when we're apart and get stupid butterflies when I'm about to see her. Then when we're together everything is effortless. We just naturally fall into this rhythm of humor, banter, and deep stuff too." Clarke chuckled. "God, even when she drives me absolutely crazy I can't even hate it because it's liberating to just feel that much, ya know? And feeling this spectrum of emotions is empowering and invigorating, and possibly just a little bit addicting."
Raven let out a long, low whistle. "Damn, girl. You've got it bad. I haven't seen you like this in a long time."
Clarke groaned as she let her head fall back on the couch. "I know. It's because I haven't felt like this in a long time. But Ray, I can't feel like this, and that's the worst part. And I certainly can't tell her, but it's going to tear me up."
"Well, it's my opinion that feelings this strong are usually reciprocated, even if just a little bit."
"So what exactly are you saying?"
"I'm saying I wouldn't be surprised if Lexa has feelings for you too."
Clarke shook her head. "But just imagine being in her position. Even if she has some kind of feelings for me, her girlfriend just died. How can she move forward from that? And how soon is it socially acceptable? Those two were perfect together. And we were all friends. It just seems like it would be so wrong."
Raven shrugged. "So does that mean Lexa doesn't deserve to be happy and in love again?"
"No, of course not. She deserves every good thing."
"Okay, please don't go getting all mushy on me here." Raven smirked. "You know I can't handle that kind of emotional crap."
Clarke laughed and punched her arm. "Shut up, Reyes. If you're going to ask me questions about how I feel, you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences."
"Fair enough. So, what's your next move?"
"Next move? It's not like I have a plan to win her over. I'm not going to do anything."
Raven rolled her eyes. "So you're just gonna go on pretending you don't feel anything for her?"
Clarke shrugged. "Basically. But again, I'm just barely realizing all this for myself, Ray. I haven't exactly come up with a 'next move' yet."
"What if she wants to be more than friends?"
"Then she can make the first move. I don't think that's my place."
Raven nodded. "Hmm. Unfortunately that makes a lot of sense. I think you're right."
Clarke smirked. "I can probably count on one hand the number of times you've admitted I'm right about something."
"It's not my fault you can't pull it off very often!"
Clarke punched her again, harder. "You are such a jerk!"
Raven laughed as she winced in pain. "But you still love me!"
"Somehow I still do." Clarke chuckled. "Okay, but joking aside, what would you do if you were in this position?"
Raven drew in a deep breath and glanced down as she considered her words, then back up at her friend. "Well, I think like you said, it would be better to let her make the first move, but I don't think you should completely shut off those feelings in yourself. Spend time with her and get to know her better without pushing her. Let her know you're there for her. The occasional lingering touch or glance probably wouldn't hurt either." Clarke laughed. "I'm serious! When she finally is ready for something new, you will need her to know you're ready and willing and she'll remember all those little moments. They add up when the time is finally right."
Clarke nodded. "Wow. That all actually makes a lot of sense. I think you're right."
"Of course I am."
"Oh, shut up."
Raven laughed. "Okay, but seriously, if you want to know my opinion, I think you two would be really, really good for each other."
"Honestly?"
"Yeah. You have strong personalities that would either completely clash or complement perfectly."
Clarke laughed. "Well, we certainly clashed at the beginning."
"Exactly. Sparks have flown since the moment you met, albeit negative ones at first. But from the very beginning you've evoked very visceral emotions in each other. Now that your friendship is a much more positive and healthy one, I can only see that as being a recipe for success. I'm sure you two would sometimes fight like hell, but you would love just as fiercely."
A wide grin spread across Clarke's face. "Have I ever mentioned that you're the greatest friend ever?"
"Wouldn't hurt to keep reminding me."
Clarke gave her hand an appreciative squeeze. "You are the greatest."
Raven winked. "I know. Now get back to your dinosaurs so I can finally finish studying. Sheesh."
Clarke smiled as she opened her book again. She soon found was reading the same paragraphs over and over because she wasn't retaining any of it. She quickly gave up, put her bookmark in place, laid down, and closed her eyes, but she was far from sleep. Clarke let her mind wander with all the possibilities of being with Lexa. Imagining that they could actually be more than friends someday made her heart soar, but there were so many ways it all could go wrong that it terrified her. She eventually slipped into a fitful sleep that became the norm for the next few nights.
Clarke smiled when she read the caller ID on her buzzing phone. "Hey, Lexa! What's up?"
"Hi, Clarke. Are you busy? I don't want to bother you if you are."
Clarke laughed. "Nah, not really. I wish I could say I was off doing something incredibly exciting on this Saturday night, but honestly I'm just trying to find the motivation to put away the clothes on my bed." She heard a chuckle in response. "Why, what's up?"
"Um, well... It's my first night in my new apartment, and I realized I don't want to spend it alone." Lexa took a deep breath. "Would you want to come over?"
Clarke's eyes widened in pleasant surprise. She knew this was a big deal for Lexa to invite her into her personal space. Lexa was a bit of a lone wolf, so for her to want to be around someone else meant she really needed the company.
"I'd love to, Lex! Do you want me to bring anything?"
"No need. This isn't anything fancy. I just... I don't even know. It's just so quiet in this neighborhood and I'm tired of having the TV on to break up the silence. Besides, I think it would be good to talk about everything, ya know? Things I guess I should tell you since you know about, well, you know what."
"Yeah, that sounds good. Can I come over in twenty?"
"That's perfect. I'll text you the address."
"Great. See you soon!"
Lexa smiled. "See you soon, Clarke."
Two outfit changes and twenty-three minutes later, Clarke was outside apartment #207, and once again found herself to be a mess of nerves. She had no idea what to expect from this encounter. She'd never been over to Lexa's place before and didn't know if she needed to be happy and upbeat or calm and comforting. She drew in a deep breath and let it out fully before knocking on the door.
No answer.
"Lexa?"
She knocked again.
Ten seconds passed and her heart dropped. She checked her phone to see if she had missed any messages telling her to come later or not at all. There was nothing.
"Clarke!" she heart the muffled call coming from inside the apartment. "Just one second - I'll be right there!"
Clarke couldn't help gaping as the door opened partway to reveal Lexa in nothing but a towel wrapped around her glistening body, damp hair falling all around her.
"God, I'm so sorry Clarke. I just wanted to take a quick shower before you came but obviously lost track of the time. Come in and make yourself comfortable while I change."
All Clarke could do was nod as she walked through the entry and tried not to stare at the practically naked, gorgeous woman who also happened to be the recent object of her affection. She watched Lexa saunter off, then quickly looked for something to distract her. She dropped onto the couch and picked up a Vogue magazine from the coffee table.
Several minutes later Lexa showed up again, patting her hair with a towel. She plopped down next to Clarke and smiled. "Hello, Clarke."
"Hello, Lexa." She grinned in return.
"I'm glad you came."
"Me too."
"But I'm basically the worst host ever, right?"
"Nah," Clarke winked. "I've had worse."
Lexa's head fell back as she laughed. "At least I'm not the worst!" She finished with the towel and shook her hair behind her. "So, how was your day? How was the clinic?"
"Today was really good. I didn't have any irritable patients to deal with, no vomit to clean up, and no one even tried to sneak off with extra meds!"
"That certainly sounds like a successful day. You know, I've actually been meaning to go back and volunteer again. I might be be able to next week if my schedule doesn't fill up."
"We would love to have you back. And you know how all the patients adore you, especially when they find out you're the Ms. Woods, city planner and savior of Polis." Clarke enunciated the title like she was announcing royalty.
"Oh, shut up," Lexa giggled. "It's hardly like that."
"Just imagine if they also knew you were the superhero keeping their streets safe."
Lexa stiffened and Clarke watched her hesitantly.
"It's still weird for me that you know."
Clarke chuckled. "It's weird for me too." She let herself study the woman in front of her, using all her willpower to quell the raging butterflies in her stomach so she could just look at her.
After a few seconds Lexa squirmed under her gaze. "Okay, you don't have to stare..." She smirked despite feeling slightly uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry." Clarke grinned. "I'm just imagining you with that face paint on." Without realizing what she was doing, Clarke's fingers moved to Lexa's face and faintly traced the outline of the streaks that would trail beneath her eyes.
Lexa laughed. "Well, I can go put it on if you like..."
Clarke shook her head and smiled as she let her hands drop away. "Maybe later - that would actually be really cool - but for now I just want you to be Lexa."
Lexa nodded and her smile faded as she returned the blonde's steady gaze. A gnawing started to grow within her that she didn't want to feel so she quickly cleared her throat. "Well since we've already started on the subject, we might as well keep going. You said you were preparing questions..."
Clarke laughed as she settled back against the couch's armrest. "Yes! Man, there's so much I want to know. But let's start with this: Why the name Nightblood?"
"Ah, excellent question. I got that idea from my dad, actually. When I was a little girl, before he died, he used to tell me bedtime stories almost every night." Lexa's eyes closed and she smiled at the memory. "And they were fantastic stories, full of adventure and mystery. I didn't want a story about princesses unless there were dragons and battles as well."
"Well, those are the best kinds of stories!" Clarke laughed.
"Exactly. Most of his stories would last over several nights, and he wove characters and thrilling events together so that most nights I couldn't wait to go to bed. Sometimes I even had to remind my parents that it was past my bedtime so I better go put on my pajamas and brush my teeth."
"You didn't!" Clarke clutched her side as she giggled. "You must have been a dream child."
Lexa laughed. "I suppose that does sound pretty odd for a kid, but I can't even tell you how much I loved those stories! But my favorite out of all of them was the adventures of Nightblood, the superhero whose black blood gave him special powers that helped him fight evil."
"Did he have the warpaint too?"
Lexa grinned and nodded. "Yes, and my dad even sketched it out for me so I could see what he envisioned. It looked so cool. So when I decided to do all this, Nightblood immediately came to mind. I never expected anyone to even know me by that name, though. I never expected it to become this big."
Clarke's brows furrowed. "So what exactly did you expect?"
"I don't know - I guess I just figured I would take things into my own hands to stop violence and injustice when I could. The disguise would only be to hide who I was, not become an actual icon. Then Detective Blake heard about me from a CI she had on the streets and she found me one night. I was afraid she would try to stop me and I'd have to run away from the police, but she thanked me for what I was doing and said we'd both be even more effective if we worked together. I was shocked."
"That must have been so cool!"
Lexa chuckled. "It seriously was. Still blows my mind when I stop to think about it."
"So when did this first start?"
Lexa took a deep breath as she searched her memory for the details. "It was just about a year ago now that I hit the streets as Nightblood for the first time. And it's not like this was anything I aspired to growing up - it just kind of happened. I did study martial arts as a kid and became a black belt in high school, so that's where my training came from." Her expression darkened. "Then there was this one night when I was in college, walking home after a late class, and a man assaulted me from behind."
Clarke's hand covered her mouth in shock. "No."
"I fought and fought to resist him, but he just kept coming at me with even more aggression with each second. I couldn't wrench free of his grasp on my leg and then I saw him reach for his coat pocket. I didn't know if might be a knife or a gun he was going for, and I was running on pure adrenaline and struck his neck with my foot, crushing his trachea and killing him."
Clarke just stared for a moment, wide eyed and slack jawed. "Oh, Lexa. I can't even imagine how traumatizing that must have been. But the cops knew it was self-defense, right?"
Lexa nodded slowly. "Yes, there was an interrogation and investigation, but it was pretty clear to them what had happened. Plus, the guy had a history of violence." She shuddered. "Anyway, fast forward several years later, again at a time I was walking alone at night, and I heard a woman's scream coming from an alley off the main street. These two men had cornered the woman and were likely about to gang rape her, and those instincts in me just kicked in again and I started to fight them back. I may have been smaller than either of them, but they quickly saw I was actually a trained fighter and they ran off. Then the woman... She thanked me over and over and said I had saved her life. She asked me my name and said she was actually a very wealthy woman and wanted to pay me for what I had done and make sure I was in the news for my heroic acts. I immediately froze at that idea and protested the money and attention because that certainly wasn't what I wanted or expected. So I just walked her to her car and that was that."
"That is amazing." Clarke stared at her in awe. "And you're a much better person than I am because I don't know if I would have refused money and fame from a wealthy woman."
Lexa looked at her intently. "Says the person who is content to be underpaid for co-founding a medical clinic to help people who can't afford alternate healthcare."
Clarke felt the blush rise to her cheeks. "It's not the same and you know it. Anyway, keep going."
"Well, I had been on my way to Costia's apartment that night, so when I got there I told her everything that had happened, and how terrifying but amazing the experience had been. That one time I had been attacked in college my skills helped protect myself, but experiencing what it was like to save another person like that... I don't even know how to describe it. It was empowering. I told Costia it felt like something I was meant to do, more than anything else I had felt before - even more than rebuilding Polis." Lexa's head dropped. "Costia was so encouraging. The idea worried her a bit, of course, but she fully supported me in whatever I thought was right." Lexa felt her bottom lip quiver and tried to suppress the emotions rising in her.
Clarke waited for her to continue, but saw a tear drop into the brunette's lap. "Oh, Lex..."
"I miss her, Clarke. I miss her so much it hurts."
"There's nothing wrong with feeling that way."
Lexa lifted her head. "I know. Doesn't make it any easier, though. I just feel like I can't be fully happy anymore. I mean, I'll put on a smile and continue on. There's no way I'd give up on life, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Costia will never be happy again; she'll never be anything again. Nothing more than a memory."
Clarke held her gaze. "That's not true. She's so much more than a memory. Even just for me I know I'm changed for the better for having known her. She was full of so much goodness; how could I not try to reflect that more myself? So I can only imagine how much she's influenced you."
Lexa just stared at her, sniffling for several moments, and then the tears really fell as she dropped her head into her hands.
"Oh god, Lex. I'm so sorry." She grabbed the box of tissues from the coffee table and passed them to her friend who readily accepted them without glancing up. Clarke suddenly felt so out of place. Here she was, in Lexa's new home, watching her mourn. After a moment she gently and hesitantly put an arm around Lexa. The brunette froze at her touch, but then let herself sink into the embrace and just cried. They sat together like that without exchanging a word for several minutes. Clarke had brought her other arm around Lexa and just held her as she wept on her shoulder.
As her tears started to subside, Lexa heard a faint sniffling that wasn't her own. She slowly lifted her head. "Are... Are you crying?"
"No. Maybe. Yes." Clarke let out a half-laugh as she wiped an eye.
"Why?"
"Well, just being here with you and thinking about everything makes me feel so, so sad. I'm sad to not have Costia as my friend and great volunteer in the clinic. I'm devastated for you for losing the one person who meant everything to you, and even worse for how it happened and the position you were put in." Clarke sighed. "You just deserve so much happiness, Lexa. Practically everyone in the city loves you for all you're doing here, but no one even knows the other half of you who has done incredible things and literally saved hundreds of lives. You deserve so much more."
Lexa shook her head. "I don't, though."
Clarke looked straight at her: "I don't believe that. Not for one second. What would Costia want for you?"
Just hearing her name this much hurt Lexa, but the answer came crashing over her like a tidal wave. You, she thought. You are what Costia would want for me. Lexa gaped at the revelation and hated herself for thinking it, but knew it was true, almost as if Costia herself was saying the words in her mind. At this, Lexa dropped her head into her hands over Clarke's lap to let the new wave of tears fall freely.
"Oh, Lexa!" Clarke's heart was breaking for the poor woman crying in her lap. "You must think I'm so insensitive. I'm such an idiot."
Lexa choked on deep breaths between sobs. "No - you're - not."
"Shhhh, it's okay." Clarke combed her fingers through the dark brown hair in her lap, which started to calm her companion. "I'm done talking now, so you just let it all out."
Lexa let out a sniffling laugh. "It looks like I already have. God, I'm so sorry. I've cried all over you."
Clarke chuckled as she looked down at the random splotches on her jeans. "Don't worry about it. That's what I'm here for."
Lexa was practically laying down on her already, so she just extended her legs and flipped to her side, her back to Clarke, head on her lap, and took a calming deep breath.
Clarke realized her fingers were still entwined in Lexa's hair. She started to pull back but asked softly, "Do you want me to stop?"
Lexa shook her head against her leg. "No. Please."
Clarke smiled and let her fingers splay through the dark hair again. She knew how soothing it felt to have someone play with her hair when she was a mess like this. After a few minutes Lexa's breathing became slow and even, the tension leaving her body. Clarke was happy to see she was relaxed enough to fall asleep. She was sure she needed it. She kept playing with her hair, loving how thick and long and soft it was. Clarke wanted to touch her skin, trace her fingertips along the contour of her neck... She quickly shook the thought from her head and mentally chastised herself. If she had known someone else was thinking like that about a person in Lexa's situation, she probably would have tried to slap some sense into them. She sighed and willed her mind to wander in other directions. This was definitely not the time nor place, but Clarke was content for now in just soaking up this moment of peace with the person who was quickly starting to occupy most of her mind and heart.
Author's Note: Okay, I have a couple things to confess that have made this chapter take a lot longer to post. First, some of you know that I'm also writing another fic (Zombies Nou Drein Jus Daun, which is a Lexark The 100/Fear the Walking Dead crossover you should totally read *shameless plug*). Second, I just started Game of Thrones and OH MY GOSH I cannot stop. It's so good and I only have a few episodes left until I'm caught up. Haha so... I've maybe been binging that when I normally would have been writing... ;)
The last couple chapters have been a bit slower as mourning and healing have been the focus, but a change of pace is about to come again... I think there will be just a couple more chapters to round out the story I've envisioned, so stay tuned!
