BPOV
It was all too easy to give in to my selfishness. I tried to persuade myself that it was simply that the right moment never came up, but, to be honest, there really isn't a right moment to say "by the way, I know you're only dating me so that I won't destroy your family," so it wasn't much of an excuse.
The problem was that most of the time I was remarkably good at forgetting all about it; I always had been excellent at repressing things. And when I remembered, it was invariably because Edward had chosen that moment to take me in his arms, to kiss me, to...
Well. I suppose, in reality, we hadn't actually gone that far. But I had never even been kissed as a human. Everything was new to me, overwhelming, and every touch, every glance seemed unbearably intimate. I knew enough from listening to Rosalie and Emmett (not voluntarily, but really, it was impossible to avoid them. They were loud) that there was plenty we weren't doing. But what we did was serious enough that I could never bring myself to break the moment with my confession.
Did I mention that Edward was a flawlessly believable actor? He had this way of looking at me that made me just melt inside. And then there was the way that every evening, at about the time that a human would be going to sleep, the Cullens would all retreat to their rooms. Vampire senses were perfectly adequate to tell me more than I needed to know about what they left to do. And as far as giving myself things to remember, during the long, lonely centuries ahead? Well, that first night when the four of us had finally returned to the Cullens' new house in Alaska (Carlisle had finally deemed it safe to leave Forks without arousing suspicion, and Edward's hope that we would be found in Alaska had led them to acquire a property in the state) was one that I knew I would spend a great deal of my eternity mentally reliving...
Each Cullen had left with their own significant glance at either Edward or me – Esme's hopeful, Emmett's amused, Jasper's speculative, and, most worryingly, Alice's knowing and resentful, once Jasper had finally persuaded her to leave me. I knew what they were all expecting; it seemed that even they were not aware that Edward's affection was nothing more than an act. It surprised me that he was able to hide his feelings from Jasper, but apparently, just as thoughts could be concealed from Edward, emotions could also be kept from Jasper. Perhaps he was just too preoccupied with the mammoth task of repairing the damage done to his relationship with Alice to notice the discrepancy between what Edward said, and what he felt.
Either way, we were finally alone. We sat in uncomfortable silence, as muffled (and, in Rosalie and Emmett's case, not so muffled) sounds of passion rang out from various places around the house. Had I been an ounce less selfish, I would have chosen that moment to come clean to Edward, and finally rid his family of the burden of supporting me, but my head was still spinning from the day's events, and having been drawn out of my safe numbness by Edward's return, my emotions were painfully and demandingly present.
All I could think about was the kiss we had shared, and with the cries and moans of passion filling the air my urges were almost uncontrollable. I clenched my hands into fists to restrain myself from twisting them into his hair, bit my lip to stave off the need to press my mouth to his. I was in an agony of indecision; my mind and conscience set on the moral course of action, while my heart and my body ached for him.
So, when Edward finally turned to me, it took almost no persuasion to give in to my body's demands. Especially when the words he said were so seductive.
"Bella," he spoke in strained, longing moan, "I don't want to pressure you, and I won't, but I'm afraid the atmosphere in the house, and being so close to you, it is just too much. If I don't leave right now, then I'm going to have to take you in my arms and never let you go. I need to feel you Bella..."
So when he stood to leave, I threw myself at him, knocking him back into the chair which collapsed beneath us. I didn't even spare a moment of remorse for that; somehow I sensed that Esme would be too delighted at having her family reunited to object to the destruction of one chair. I did spare a moment to be grateful that I no longer had to breathe. There was no way we could have kissed with this strength, this passion, without suffocating, had we been human.
I abandoned all notions of confessing. After all, I told myself, it was our first night back. I'd wait until things were more settled. I surrendered to pure instinct, letting my hands rove freely over his body, lingering wherever my touch elicited a particularly... vehement... response. Edward was more circumspect; responding almost violently to my touch, but restricting his hands to my hair and back.
Don't get me wrong, his tenderness was touching, and I had no complaints about the kissing, but I wanted more. Much more. Once again I rationalised that a certain wantonness was perfectly in keeping with my – our – charade. So there was nothing wrong with a little encouragement.
With a forwardness that surprised even me, I took his hands in mine and, with my best attempt at a coy glance, I cupped them around my breasts. He froze, and I sighed into his lips; evidently I had found the limit to how far he would go to keep up appearances. For what might have been the hundredth time, I blessed the fact that I could not blush anymore. This rejection may not have been entirely unexpected, but it still hurt, and I was even more ashamed than last time, since now I knew exactly what I was doing. But when I tried to pull away, he held me to him, and whispered entreatingly in my ear.
"I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to, well, it isn't that I'm saying no, it is just that this is all so new to me. You have to understand that I may live in the modern world, but my morals were constructed in 1918. It seems disrespectful to treat you this way. Can we just take it slow?"
Nice save, I thought. But of course, flawless Edward Cullen couldn't be caught out that easily. I found I was rather glad though. Even if I was only to be permitted kissing, I would take that while I could. I wasn't ready for the pretence to end.
We had spent the entire night there, curled together in the wreckage of the armchair. We didn't just kiss, we talked as well, resurrecting the genuine friendship we had been working on back in Forks, what felt like a century ago. For the first time it occurred to me that this charade might not just be for his family. Maybe it was for my benefit too. Maybe this wasn't so abhorrent to him. I tried to see his deceit as a gift from one lonely immortal to another.
Though, to be honest, we didn't talk that much, and what we did say was punctuated with kisses. I just couldn't stop touching him, and he responded in kind. I hadn't realised how much time had passed until I felt the dawn light wash over me, and heard Esme's polite cough from the doorway...
I paused my mental replay of that first dawn to nod an absent goodnight to Carlisle and Esme as they got up to leave and I realised that once again, Edward and I were alone for the night. I didn't want to impose too much on his generosity in pretending to be with me, so I tried to make as few demands on him as possible. I buried myself in my memories, trying to ignore the way my body ached for his. But of course, that didn't last. It took only the slightest inclination of his body to mine, the slightest breath of sweet Edward-scented air on my face, and my self control was in tatters, and I was in his arms. I would save reliving my memories until it was too late for me to make any more.
EPOV
You'd think that immortals would crave variety in their routine, but really, vampires are even more attached to habit than the average human. It was astonishing how quickly our days fell into a pattern. We hadn't bothered enrolling in schools or getting jobs or any human pretence here – Carlisle had suggested that we take some time to rebuild ourselves as a family after our recent upheavals.
Our days progressed thus: at dawn, everyone would assemble in the large family room. Bella and I were invariably still there from the night before, and somehow neither of us ever became sufficiently accustomed to our newly-awakened passion to reliably notice the sun's rising, so I was eternally grateful that Esme ensured that she was always the first one to come downstairs and interrupt us; it may have been moderately humiliating to have our nightly intimacy halted by our mother's arrival, but her wry – and somewhat smug – understanding was infinitely preferable to being found by any of the others.
We spent the days together, rebuilding our tattered trust and affection. Sometimes our time was light-hearted; we played scrabble, watched films, did any number of normal family activities. Other times Carlisle or Esme would take one or two of us aside for a private discussion. These discussions invariably involved either myself or Alice, and often both of us. They had not taken Bella aside, and I gathered that they did not yet feel secure enough in their role of 'parent' towards her to do so.
For her part, Bella also did what she could to repair the broken bonds between us. She had asked me if we could avoid public intimacy for Alice's sake, and she went out of her way to reassure Alice of their continued friendship – always being on her team when we played games, and often sitting at her feet whilst we watched films so that Alice could play with her hair, an activity they both seemed to find soothing.
Alice vacillated between anger and remorse, for the first time feeling insecure about her acceptance in our family. She was deeply ashamed of the pain she had caused us all, particularly Bella and Jasper, and she was gradually relaxing her wariness of me. I could tell that it would take time before we returned to our former easy friendship, but I had faith that as long as Bella was happy, myself and Alice would not be at odds. She still did not entirely trust me with Bella's well-being, but between Bella's assurances and Jasper's, she had no real reason to object to our budding relationship. But I still could not help noticing the way that she refused to leave in the evenings until she had carefully scanned the future to ensure I would cause Bella no harm before the dawn. After the first few uncomfortable experiences of watching our intimate actions through Alice's eyes, I tried very hard to block out her visions, knowing that she would make me aware if there were to be any problems. Despite the fact that I would, within minutes, be acting out the content of those visions, it still felt like a violation to watch Bella in such compromising situations in Alice's head. So I concentrated very hard on not receiving any of her thoughts at these times.
Which meant I had no hint as to whether I would finally solve my dilemma tonight. Much as I loved our time together, it felt faintly sordid to lie with Bella on the cold bare floor of the living room, but I worried that suggesting that we retire to my bedroom or hers would bring unwanted pressure into our relationship. Not that I thought that Bella would be unhappy at the notion of taking our our intimacy further, but I still struggled with my apparently outdated notions of what was 'proper', and I couldn't escape my romanticised fantasy that our first time would be our wedding night.
But still, stolen kisses behind the sofa were anything but the romance I wanted for Bella. It wasn't discomfort or the cold – as vampires the hard floor held neither for us – and nor was it the lack of privacy, since between normal vampire senses, and the extra abilities of myself, Jasper and Alice, privacy was impossible wherever we went. No, there was no practical reason why we couldn't continue our living room trysts, but still they bothered me. Bella deserved better.
So tonight, when she threw herself into my arms scant minutes after Carlisle and Esme left us alone, I restrained the urge to give in to her exquisite embraces, and suggested that we go up to my room instead. Instantly her face reflected all the apprehension I felt, and though I tried to laugh off the tension with a joke about not wanting to break any more of Esme's furniture, we both sensed that this was more than a change of venue. It felt as if somehow, this would add a certain seriousness, a certain commitment to our relationship. It was as though we were declaring ourselves.
Finally she nodded, and I took her hand in mine as we ascended the stairs. She hung back, so that I had already crossed the threshold when she paused at the door. I worried that I was pushing her too far, too fast, but she simply took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and followed me in. The door closed behind us with a resonating thud which seemed to echo in the utter silence.
I watched as Bella took in the large bed in the centre of the room, a bed which could have only one purpose to beings who did not need sleep. Seeing a slight frown crease her brow I gestured towards the deep leather chairs sitting in the corner, trying to convey that there was no presumption intended in the purchase of that bed, or in my bringing her here tonight, but she met my eyes challengingly, and settled herself deliberately in the middle of the bed.
It wasn't until she had seated herself on the bed that I noticed the small bottle sitting on the side table; I had been so consumed with watching Bella that I had not spared a glance for the room around me. I did now, and was amazed at what I found. The room was bedecked in candles which cast a soft glow over the thick rugs and pillows that now covered my floor. Heavy drapes hung on the walls, concealing my somewhat utilitarian shelving. From the speakers came the soft lilting strains of music I had not heard before, but instantly knew I would love. I knew from the timing and the attention to detail that only one person could be responsible for the transformation of my room, and I was startled at the grace, the forgiveness, the sheer generosity that was implied. As I looked again, I saw a small scrap of paper pinned underneath the bottle, which turned out to be a delicately scented massage oil. Even expecting it, the contents of the note stunned me.
I trust you Dearest Brother, and I forgive you. I was wrong to try to stop this. You will be beautiful together.- Alice
I could not comprehend how lucky I was. I had Bella, I had my family, and it seemed that I had managed to regain the love and trust of my closest sister. Not only that, but Alice had thought to provide the massage oil as an ice breaker to smooth our transition into this room, this bed. As I sat on the bed, I decided very firmly to take the next possible opportunity to do something nice for Alice. I pictured myself buying a shockingly expensive, beautifully fast car with tinted windows, and tying a ribbon around the steering wheel. Then I pictured myself offering obscenely large amounts of money to the owners of all the stores in Beverly Hills in LA to persuade them to open after dark. Alice had been longing to shop there for years, but the omnipresent sunshine had kept her away. I knew that as soon as I had made my decision she would see it, and in confirmation I heard a soft squeal of glee erupting from a distant region of the house.
That taken care of, I turned my attention to the goddess on the bed. I held up the bottle so she could see, and raised an eyebrow questioningly. My emotions were too overwhelming to speak out loud. But she seemed to understand what I was asking, and she nodded, turning away shyly before removing her clothes and lying face-down on the bed, pulling the sheet up to her waist to cover herself.
As I coated my hands in the luxurious oil and rubbed it into her soft skin, my mind noted odd differences between this and the other touches we had shared. In some ways it was less intimate; I could not see her face, and though she responded to my hands with soft moans of pleasure, she lay perfectly still on the bed. I was touching her, but she did not touch me. I felt oddly powerful manipulating her flesh with my strong fingers, and I could not help but be aware that this was more of her skin than I had seen or felt before. I traced the soft curve of her spine, the peaks of her shoulder blades, buried my hands in the hair at the nape of her neck. My whole world narrowed to this gleaming expanse of pale skin. For the first time in over eighty years the endless babble of voices in my head became so distant as to be inaudible. My mind filtered out every sound except her low moans of pleasure, every smell except the scent of the oil mingling with Bella's unique fragrance, every sight except the flickering candlelight washing over her pale skin, every sensation except the soft kiss of her flesh under my hands.
I dragged it out as long as I could, tenderly caressing every inch of her back with all of my attention, but eventually I had to draw to a close, finally planting a light kiss on the back of her neck to signal that I had finished.
I expected her to kiss me then, she always seemed eager to embrace me, but instead she sat up, pulling up the sheet to cover her bare chest. Through the love in her eyes, I could also see a strange resigned sadness, but I didn't know what I could possibly have done to put it there. How had I hurt her this time? And why hadn't Alice seen and stopped me?
She raised a hand and gently pressed it to my lips. I took that to mean that she didn't want me to talk, and though I was burning to ask her why she was so sad I forced myself to respect her wishes.
"I've spent a lot of time trying to think how to say this, and I'm still sure that I haven't got it quite right, and I keep waiting, because really, I don't want to say it at all, but it just isn't fair to take advantage of your kindness any longer."
I parted my lips beneath her fingers to reply, because I was so utterly stunned at her words I could hardly keep quiet, but her next words silenced me
"Please Edward," she begged, "hear me out before you say anything. I know you probably won't be expecting this, and maybe you won't want to hear it, but I need to be honest and if you interrupt I don't think I'll be able to finish. I know you wish you could hear my thoughts, so here they are. I've spent a lot of time working out how to say them, so it will probably sound rehearsed, but I promise it isn't edited. Do you swear not to say anything until I'm finished?"
I nodded my acquiescence, knowing it would probably be hard not to interrupt her, but unwilling to give up the opportunity to hear what she had to say; no matter what her thoughts were, I wanted to know them.
"What I need to tell you is, I know, Edward, I've known from the start that you're only pretending to love me so that Alice and Jasper would come home again. I should have told you a long time ago, but the truth is, I love you Edward, and even if none of it was real, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to be with you, even just for a little while."
I sat unmoving as I tried to process her words, struggling not to break my promise and correct her error before she could say any more. Part of me felt elated that for the first time she had said out loud that she loved me, but at what price? I couldn't believe what she was saying; she thought all this was a lie? I didn't understand how she could doubt my love for her. I clamped my mouth shut over my protests as she continued.
"But everything is ok now, you're all happy again, like you were before I came along. It is time to end this charade, time for me to leave. I know you'll try to stop me, but I promise, no melodramatic running away this time, I'll explain to everyone before I go, no one will think it is your fault. But before I go I have one last favour to ask, and it is a big one, and I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but I just can't help what I want, and what I want is you, Edward.
"I suppose, really, that what I am asking for must be something of an anticlimax after what we have already shared. What could be more intimate than the taking of a life? You saw me in those final moments, held me in your arms. You felt everything drain away from me, every mask, every pretence, you saw me stripped of everything, even life. What could this nakedness mean when you have seen me like that?"
With those words she dropped the sheet she had been clutching to her breast, exposing herself to me, but I couldn't even look, my horrified gaze was fixed on her perfect mouth as it opened to release more crushing words.
"You gave me something too, that day. Even as my blood became a part of you, your venom entered my veins, penetrated my flesh, violated my very cells. What could be the point of sex, when you have impregnated every inch of me with your essence?"
As she spoke, the sadness in her voice was joined by a rich, husky need. She raised her hand, caressing her body, her hand coming to rest not-so-demurely in her lap, between legs that I just now noticed were slightly parted.
"I know you look back on that day and hate it. I know you see this scar on my neck as a daily reminder of how you failed me. But I cannot bring myself to see it that way. I cannot regret what you did to me; had I known then the wonder of you, I would have gladly given my life in exchange for these weeks I have spent in your arms."
She raised her hand to run her fingers along the twin crescent scars I had left on her neck. I did not fail to notice that in doing so she had exposed herself to me entirely, and I guessed that she was as aware of this fact as I was.
"And really, what have you taken from me? Even as I lost one life, I gained another. Sometimes, you lay your hand on my breast, and I can almost hear you listening for my lost heartbeat. But you don't understand that my heart is not silent. Every second it beats in my ears, whispering your name, Edward, Edward."
She was leaning towards me now, her voice the barest breath of a whisper, need and love and loss and obsession burning in her eyes.
"I suppose, what I am trying to say, is that I do not forgive what you have done to me, because there is nothing to forgive. There is not one thing I have lost that I would not gladly give to be with you, for whatever little time I have. You have given me so much, and I know I have no right to ask for more, but I find that, before I must leave you forever, I could not forgive myself if I did not at least try."
She lifted her hands now to cradle my face, leaning in until I could feel her breath on my lips.
"Edward, I love you with everything I have, and there is nothing I would not give you if you asked. I know I have said that there is no intimacy greater than that which you have already shared with me but, I still want this. I still want you. Edward... will you sleep with me?"
