Kappa Mikey
Hit In The USA
"Bang! Bang!"
By Emerald
"Oh my god, a flesh eating squirrel is attacking me!" Guano shouted as he tried in vain to pull the cuddly, yet deadly, mammal from his chest. He ran around the harbor and slammed his body into various hard objects, attempting to dislodge his assailant. He did more damage to himself by doing this, because the squirrel was smart enough to scurry onto the furry man's back before he ran face first into a wall.
"Don't worry, Guano! I'll save you!" Gonard assured his director, taking out a high-powered crossbow and aimed the arrows at the attacker as it attempted to devour the poor little man's skull. He fired six shots, missing the squirrel by a mile and sinking twelve boats by accident. How he hit twelve boats with six bullets, Gonard did not know.
"He's trying to steal my eye balls!" the frenetic anime star shrieked as furry firsts jabbed into his sockets. Abandoning arrows, Gonard stole a fishing rod from one of the many boats on display at the dock. He cast the line expertly, latching onto the squirrel's back and yanking him off with enough force to fling the furry creature into the mouth of a waiting shark. Its patience having been rewarded, the carnivorous fish swam away to terrorize the local beach.
"To be fair, you probably shouldn't have kicked him when he started humping your leg. He was just being friendly." Gonard said as his fellow actor wrapped himself in bandages. "Admit it, you look a lot like a fat squirrel."
"Gonard, we just barely survived a Massachusetts anime convention filled with people that would do much worse than that to us if we gave them the chance. I'm not taking crap from nobody today. Let's just rent a boat and get some fishing done." After he had treated his wounds by taping plywood to the cuts, Guano accompanied Gonard as he walked towards a salesman who was busy trying to sell a $500,000 yacht to a homeless couple. And he was succeeding.
"All you gotta do is pay 1% mortgage!" the chain-smoking salesmen explained to the couple whose clothes were made out of banana peels. "Until two years later when it rises to 99%"
"What was the last thing you said?" the unshaved man asked, as he had not heard the last sentence because it was said with the velocity of a professional speed reader.
"I said if you act now I'll drop the rate to .05%!" the salesman took a long drag on his cigarette and smiled. The eyes of the couple lit up as if they had just heard that the rapture was approaching.
"We'll take it!" they said, handing the man their down payment of two cents. They then jumped into their boat and motored off into the sunset. After the two Japanese were done watching the economy go even further down the crapper, they walked up to the smooth talking man.
"Excuse me, we are in the market to buy one of your finest water transportation vehicles. Do you have any reed boats in stock?" Gonard asked in his most sophisticated manner. The man who worked at Dales' Big-Ass boats looked at them like they were insane, which was slightly accurate.
"No, I'm afraid I chopped up my last 'reedy' for firewood. But you two don't seem like the kind of fellows that would need to travel in such… mediocrity. What famous explorers like you need is a nice big submersible!" Dale said as he pointed towards a submarine that was tucked in between two boats. The submarine looked like any normal submarine, but it looked strange next to the big boats around it.
"World famous explorers? Mr. Dale, are you trying to seduce me?" Guano asked alluringly. While Dale accidentally choked and swallowed his cigarette, the director gave a hand signal to Gonard.
"We'll take it!" Gonard said as he broke into the submarine and began to hotwire the engine. Before the owner of the store could protest, or even properly breath, Guano hit him over the head with a seagull. He then joined his partner in crime as they stole the submersible.
"Alright! I wasn't sure committing grand theft would be such a good idea, but it turned out damn fine!" Guano shouted, starting up the engine. As the lights in the cabin , or what passes for a cabin in a submersible, came on, there was a loud humming. But it wasn't the humming of machinery. It sounded like a human voice. The captain dismissed it as nothing more than his recurring dementia problem, and drove out into open water.
"Now to begin our harrowing adventure in the Superior Lake!" Gonard said, looking at the GPS as if he knew what it was for. He randomly pressed buttons in an attempt to seem helpful, and the sub began to respond by diving lower. "I wonder how this Jee-Pee-Ess thing works. Probably magic."
"GPS stands for Global Positioning system. It works by utilizing three satellites that send out signals, each containing it's time and location, that the GPS can read. The area three signals meet in is where the GPS receiver is located." A mysterious and helpful voice came from somewhere in the sub.
"Jesus, we've been boarded!" Guano yelled, looking all around the sub to see if any super-intelligent orangutans had snuck on board.
"We don't want yer fancy learnin'!" Gonard shouted, spontaneously developing a country accent as well as a cowboy hat.
"It was me, Geoffrey the talking Submarine! I felt the presence of a man and an overweight squirrel and booted myself up" the voice, which they now noticed was slightly metallic, announced. Indeed, it was coming from a speaker next to Guano's head. Guano was now holding that ear in pain because the voice had blown out his ear drum. "I was created to help stupid people, like yourselves, to learn things in a fun and interesting way."
"Fun and interesting? Will there be strippers!?" Gonard asked expectantly, remembering Miami Beach.
"Uhh, no." Geoffrey deadpanned, and both Gonard and Guano sighed sorrowfully.
"Well we don't need your help we know exactly what we're doing. We're heading out into the deep waters of the Lake Superior." Guano said, steering the underwater craft past various fish and sea life.
"Oh really? What do you know about Lake Superior then?" the computer AI asked its two passengers. The two Japanese stars thought for a few moments and the Jeopardy theme music began to play throughout the compartment.
"Well, I'm not exactly positive, but I think it involves water." Gonard answered. Geoffrey would have shook his head in amusement, if he had a head. Instead, he swung his periscope left-to-right.
"No, no, no. Well, yes. But more importantly, Lake Superiors is the largest of the three great lakes." the computer began.
"And the most superior too, am I right?" Gonard interjected hopefully.
"Umm, sure. It is also the coldest, and deepest, of the great lakes. In fact, it is 1,332 feet deep, to be exact." Geoffrey explained in detail. The enthusiasm in its voice was actually quite interesting to listen to. In fact, it was too interesting. So focused on the voice, Guano didn't notice that he had slammed into a fish.
"Ah crap, I think I just hit a dolphin." The director said as he looked for windshield wiper blades that did not exist.
"Highly unlikely, for you see, dolphins do not live in Lake superior. Some fish that DO are the Lake Trout, Brook Trout, Brown Trout, Rainbow trout…" Geoffrey unnecessarily explained.
"What's with all the trout? Aren't there any fish that DON'T suck?" Guano asked insensitively
"Yes, over 60 in fact. For example, the one you have hit is a lake sturgeon. It looks nothing like a dolphin, so I really have no clue why you would call it one." Whereas they had been interested before, the crew was just annoyed this time. As the intelligent sub continued to talk about such interesting information as 'sea-floor spreading', the found the mute switch and pressed it so hard that it broke. Geoffrey's non-existent mouth was shut permanently.
"I'm bored. When are we going to find these new life-forms that you told me about? I'm dying to cast my line into this water." Gonard said, though how he planned to fish while in a submarine is anyone's guess.
"For the last time, I never told you we'd find new life forms. And all I've seen so far is that giant sperm whale with wings." The 'captain' said, pointing to a huge mammal off in the distance. He did a double-take, and stared in amazement at the freak of nature. Suddenly, Geoffrey came back online.
"According to the internet, Adult males grow to be about 50-60 feet long, weighing about 40-50 tons. Their name comes from the oil they produce, spermaceti, which was used as wax in olden times." the talking sub explained unhelpfully.
"But they don't normally have large, eagle-like wings, do they?" Guano asked sarcastically as the whale did an underwater somersault; the you-tube video of this feat would go on to receive a million hits in the coming months.
"I don't see that anywhere on the internet. But what can I say? Evolution is a strange and wondrous thing. You can never know what you'll find at the bottom of a body of water. Under the sea…" The sub began to sing a really terrible song, but luckily those three words were the only ones it knew.
"I fail to see how wings could be a natural advantage to an underwater creature." Guano replied, and then he watched as the whaleagle swooped out of the water and into the air. When it came back down, it had three pelicans in its mouth.
"Wow, a winged, carnivorous, sperm whale! I bet that'll be tasty!" Gonard exclaimed as he took a loaf of bread and a fishing pole. When he looked up from his tackle box, he saw nothing but darkness through the front window. With stunned silence, partly caused by the fact that his mouth was full of bread, he realized the whale had swallowed them! Guano screamed something about being to sexy to die as the submersible landed safely on the tongue, and the whale continued its journey. After a few minutes of alternately fearing for their lives and wondering whether or not to destroy Geoffrey, who would not shut up about whale's digestive systems, the whaleagle finally entered an underwater tunnel.
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"Ahh, Mr. Bubbly! What have you brought me today?" a man with a middle-eastern accent asked as the winged whale stuck its head out of the water. The tunnel ended in a large, open cavern full of plenty of air, where the man had been hiding out for quite some time.
The whale opened its mouth, and the submersible holding Guano and Gonard fell onto the comparatively dry land. The two crawled out of the wreckage, and stood up before the stranger, who looked at them quizzically. After the director was done kissing the ground, he got up the nerve to ask who the stranger was.
"Who are you?" he asked, looking at the man. The foreigner was dressed in white-robes and a turban, and his beard was longer than any of the guys from ZZ Top combined.
"My name is Osama Bin Laden. But you can call me Bill!" the terrorist replied, extending his hand for a shake. When both of the actors declined, Bill shrugged and put his arm down. "That's pretty smart of you. My hand is rigged to explode upon contact."
"Osama's full name is Osama bin Muhammad bin 'Awad bin Laden." A pained voice cried out.
"Shut up, Geoffrey!" Guano shouted at the machine.
"How long have you been underneath Canada?" Gonard asked, having logically thought that the infamous 9/11 mastermind would have been somewhere that actually made sense. Scarier than the fact that a known terrorist was hiding in Canada was the fact that Gonard actually knew about him.
"A couple years now. You stupid Americans have just been looking in the wrong caves. Would you like some tea?" he said, pouring a blood-red liquid into a cup. The two once again refused. "Good call; I laced it with poison."
"Is there any way out of this place?" Guano asked, looking in the direction the cool air was blowing. He could not see an exit, however.
"I'm afraid not. It's too bad, too. I finally find a nice, safe place where I can create the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, and now I can't get out of here and use it on you filthy Americans!" Bill said as he drank some non-poisoned tea. Guano was about to point out that neither he nor Gonard were American when Osama pointed towards the left hand corner of the cave, where another giant sperm whale sat. A giant radioactivity sticker was attached to its side.
"What the heck is that thing?" Gonard shouted, staring at an ordinary cockroach on the cave flooring, his voice causing several stalactites to fall from the ceiling and hit him on the head.
"It's a radioactive, nuclear whale bomb. Basically, it's just an ordinary whale that I found deep in these waters, and I fed it various radioactive substances and missiles that I'd brought along with me. Mr. Bubbly was the prototype, but he only grew wings and is not nearly as combustible." Osama replied
"I get it now! You planned to drop your whale bomb on America! Well, I won't let you get away with it! I'll destroy your deadly whale bomb, even if it means destroying part of Canada as well!" Gonard shouted patriotically as he ran over to the sleeping whale, forgetting that he was Japanese. Bill and Guano shouted for him to stop, but it was too late.
"Long live America!" Gonard shouted, and then he kicked the whale in the side. Immediately, the mammal began to grow red-hot, and smoke came out of its blow hole.
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In a Canadian military base, which unbelievably do exist, a man ran up to his commanding officer.
"Sir! The area surrounding Lake Superior has been destroyed by what appears to be an atomic bomb! The only people who could have so heartlessly attacked us are the Americans!" the man stammered quickly, wanting to get the conversation over quickly because he had to go to the bathroom.
"Send out all troops! Death to America!" the commander said, creating some all-too necessary conflict. Canada hadn't had any excitement since the 'Celebration of Yeast' seven months ago.
"But sir, Canada only has ten troops. There's no way we could pull of an operation like that." The man answered quizzically.
"Is that fact, or did you just pull that number out of your ass?" the commander asked honestly. It was truthfully only his first day on the job.
"Straight out the buttocks, sir." The soldier replied with a sharp salute.
"Fine then! Send the Americans… a very mean letter!" the cruel and indescribably evil Canadian military leader announced, and his plan was immediately sent into motion. The order was carried out, and president Obama cried a little when he read the letter. But other than that, no one was harmed. Except the people whose houses were destroyed by the explosion. They kinda got screwed.
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Authors Notes: *spoilers* Of course Gonard and Guano didn't die. I'm not the script assassin, am I? You'll have to wait until a later chapter to see how they got out of this one. If I was nice person, I would tell you right now. But if I was a nice person, I'd also update this dang story more than once every few months.
This chapter was written a while ago, after the writing of chapter four I believe. Once I had the idea, I just had to get it finished immediately. So here's another action-packed chapter in the same vein as the last week's Lily Mu episode. Next chapter will be a long'un, and I won't ruin the surprise of who will be in it. You'll have to read it to find out.
Fan Corner:
The reviews for chapter 8 have been counted, and it seems I have another winner on my hands! General Shadow Wolfsbane has nightmares about the Bong lady, the Kicking Squirelador owns a rabies infested squirrle that no one will take off his hands, and Reio still doesn't have an actual account but enjoys my story anyways. That all for today's Fan Corner! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have fifty separate parties in my own honor. Hey, Obama can do it; why can't I?
Long live America! Read and review!
