Beth stood in the yard, eyes narrowed at the bright sun, watching the walkers from a safe distance. Every day, she would get a little bit closer to them, and every day, she would leave her fantasies quicker. It was only a matter of time before they stopped altogether. She just had to keep on doing what needed to be done. She had to.
"Don't push yourself." Sasha set a hand on her shoulder. "Just keep breathing."
Beth smiled. "I'm all right. I needed some air." She met her eyes. "You seem shaken."
"Just...had a bad dream. Who doesn't have nightmares? 'Cause I'd like to meet 'em."
"And do what?"
"Give 'em nightmares. It ain't fair for only us to be having them." Beth laughed, and Sasha shook her head. "I'm kidding. Whoever doesn't have nightmares...is one lucky bastard, but I don't envy them."
"I don't envy nobody these days. It ain't worth it."
Rick and Carl walked by, Rick held Judith in his arms, talking to Carl, laughing, and Beth smiled at the sight of them. Rick had stopped worry when Daryl returned last night with a crap load of supplies. Daryl was in his cell. He had been there all day. It was so strange, because he hated being in there. Beth knew he didn't want to talk, so she left him be. He was probably planning on meeting Carol for a little roll in the hay. She wanted so to tease him about that, but he had no idea she knew about them having sex. It took her a while to figure it out. He always wore this expression, kind of half-smiling, lost in thought, and she thought it was that Carol was possibly coming back, but nope. She was coming, but not back.
"What are you smiling at?" Sasha asked, almost creeped out.
"Me? Nothin'! I—I just remember somethin' funny. Heh heh. I'm gonna go help Jeanette with supper. The growls are gettin' to me." She turned on her heel and went inside. She ran right into Daryl, nearly toppling over. "Sorry." She met his eyes, they were smoldering, and she frowned. "What's wrong?"
"I gotta get some air."
"That's not get-some-air face, that's kick-someone's-ass face. What's goin' on? Is it," she lowered her voice, "her?"
"It ain't your business, Beth." He walked by her.
"Ain't my business?" She went after him. "Oh, hell no, Daryl." She pushed him into the tower, he let her, and she closed the door. "I've helped Carol since I found her, and I've covered for your ass countless times, and I love you both very much, so don't you tell me "It ain't my business", because it is. You and Carol are part of my family, and I won't let you shut me out."
"Damn, don't piss you off," he muttered.
"Don't." She crossed her arms. "Now, what's on your mind?"
"Somethin' I gotta deal with. Tell Rick the usual."
"I'm runnin' out of distractions." She said when he opened the door. "What should I say?"
"I don't know." He paused in the doorway. "Make somethin' up."
"Why didn't I think of that?"
"I do appreciate you doin' this, Beth."
"I know you do." She heard him leave. And while he goes off to have sex, she's stuck here trying to make sure Rick doesn't notice the tall, dark redneck isn't around. Sooner or later, she would have to freak Rick out with something that would be enough to get him off Daryl's back, but all she could think of were indigestion and vomiting. That wouldn't work, and he can only go on so many runs.
She placed her hands to her face and groaned. She hoped it wasn't more trouble than it was worth.
––
"You're exhausted. This is exhaustion talking." Michonne's eyes flickered to his. "I'm looking for Daryl. You seen him?"
"No." Tyreese moved out of her way. "Why do you need Daryl?"
"I just do." She left the cell block and head a loud thud. She paused and looked over her shoulder. Tyreese was gone. She stepped back and found him face down on the ground. She walked over to him and lowered herself down on her knees. "See, I told you it was exhaustion." She rolled him over and smacked his face. "Ty, wake up."
He muttered something incoherently.
"Great." She stood up and left the cell block. She returned with Rick, and together they hauled Ty to his feet, taking him to his cell to get some sleep. With Daryl being wherever he was, Ty was taking over watches that were both his and Daryl's and everyone else's. Michonne's found him on her watch, and they got into an argument about who should be on watch, and she eventually just went to her part of the yard and stayed there. She didn't stick around for the apology she knew he would have.
"I'll get Hershel to look him over, just in case."
She nodded.
"Stay with him. Who knows, he might wake up." Rick went to find Hershel.
She sat down on the bench across from him and crossed her arms, leaning back, her eyes outside the cell. She saw Beth with Judith, Lizzie was sitting on the steps, working on Tom Sawyer for the fifth or sixth time. Carl was below her, cleaning his gun, wanting something else to do, no doubt, and Sasha and Bob were talking as they carried the supplies Daryl brought out to the bus. Michonne exhaled. Daryl was right: hang around them long enough, stuff sticks.
Tyreese murmured something, and she looked over at him. He was a fool—fixating on who killed Karen and David and acting out violently when anyone tried to tell him how it was, not getting out of the car sooner, not letting the walker go. He'd changed over the past few months, but he still needed backbone. He was like a big bear, but not one with any bite. It would cost him in the long run.
Hershel and Rick returned, Hershel looked him over and Beth came over and started talking to Rick, asking him about who was on watch, and if maybe she could do it. They all stopped and stared at her, she held Judith close and frowned.
Rick grasped her elbow gently and pulled her out of Tyreese's cell. "Look, Beth, I know you wanna help with patrol and all, but that ain't a good idea."
"I'm not broken," she snapped. "I have bad dreams and stay up late, so I might as well make use of it. You look more exhausted than me, so don't talk. I want to help, and babysittin' Judy is great, but Lizzie could that or one of the other girls. I'm sick of only being useful to group when it comes to a shootout."
His brow twitched. "It's up to your doctor."
She smiled. "I'll go ask her." She handed Judith to him. "She just ate, so you oughta burp her." She set the burping towel over his shoulder and went to find Sasha.
He smiled at Judy. "One day, you'll understand just how crazy your family is. Till then...keep bein' cute, it might spare you."
– – –
She stared at the fire before her, Lilly passed out the last of the rations, worrying when Carol didn't take hers. She put it in Carol's tent, hiding it with her sleeping bag so no one else would take it. She found Brian his bag getting ready in the RV, and she leaned in the doorway, hearing Tara complaining about how she couldn't go or wasn't allowed to go. She heard a shift in his tone—commanding, cold, condescending. It made her shudder. That wasn't the Brian who loved her. It couldn't be...could it?
"Meredith." Alicia held out a bottle of water. "Here."
She reached out and took it. "Thanks."
She gave a nod then followed Tara as she groaned and stormed off toward the barb wire.
"You're going on a supply run tomorrow." Meghan crouched down beside her. "Shouldn't you be gettin' ready like Brian?"
"I should be." She smiled. "Beat Brian yet?"
"Not yet."
"Don't give up. No one man can win forever." She stood up and found him behind her. "Deathly silent, as always." She went to her tent and readied a bag, adding a few extra bullets, a bottle of water and she found four apples hidden in her sleeping bag. She smiled. Lilly. She put them inside and zipped it up. She exited the tent and was about to leave when someone called to her.
"Ca—Mery." Bobby caught up to her before she left. "Before you go, I need to talk—"
"I can't afford to wait." Her eyes flickered to his. "We have starving people—children—and now you want to talk? No, Bobby, it doesn't work that way. I have to go."
"I'll see you later then. We can talk then."
"Sure." She left the camp and went to the same place. No one was following her, and that was a relief. She wasn't sure how to act around Bobby, and she didn't want him getting any ideas. That kiss was just so awkward and out of the blue, and it was all she could think about. Bobby was a good friend, and she never saw him that way. She still didn't. And with this week with Daryl... Her brain was still processing whatever she and Daryl were doing. They both knew it wasn't a relationship, and they weren't in love with each other, so it was just...what? Scratching an itch? Friends with benefits? That term made her sick, but she didn't want to lose Daryl's friendship, not after getting it again, and the sex was really... And now she's using him for orgasms? That still didn't seem right. What the hell was going on with them? Two years and now they just... It didn't make any sense.
"Daryl?" She stepped into the house and found him on the couch, craving into a small chuck of wood. "You ready?"
"Yeah." He grabbed his bag. "You sure 'bout this?"
"Yes, I am. We both need the supplies, and it's in and out." She uncovered the car they'd gotten the last time they went. She set her bag in the backseat along with his.
"Could be overrun," Daryl replied, sitting in the driver's seat as she came around to front. "Sure you wanna go in just the two of us?"
"You and Michonne used to go in by just you two," she reminded him bitterly.
"Yeah, but that was small. This is a mall, Carol."
"Fine, let's just forget that our people are dying! You know what? Forget I asked you. I'll go by myself." She grabbed her bag and started for the road.
He went after her. "Stop. Carol, stop."
She didn't listen to him. "Just go back to your camp and bury your head in the dirt. At least you can plant crops and get water." She disappeared between bushes, and Daryl groaned. Her eyes burned heavily, and she felt so exhausted emotionally. She forced herself to go on.
"Carol." He ran to catch up to her. "Listen to me!"
"No." She picked up her pace.
"Woman." He grabbed her wrist and jerked her around. He felt like shit when he saw the tears on her face. "Carol, I didn't mean to—"
"It's not you." She wiped her cheeks. "I don't know what the hell is going on with me anymore. I—I don't know. I feel exhausted all the time, and I'm angry all the time. Bobby just kept pushing my name, and I just yelled at him." He narrowed his eyes. "I had no reason to, but I did. I feel like it's all falling apart."
"What is?" Daryl searched her eyes.
"Meredith Dixon is falling apart, and I don't know who or what that leaves behind."
"You. Carol Peletier."
"No. No, I can't be what's left. I can't be." She lost all color in her face. "I can't be her. Please, Daryl, don't let me be her. Please."
He felt like his heart was breaking as she fell apart, and he didn't know what to do for her. He never knew how to sooth a woman. It was the one thing he had no idea how to do. He had to try. He couldn't stand to see her like this. "You can't run from it forever, Carol."
"Yes, I can." She walked by him, heading back to the house.
"No, you can't." He followed her into the house, and he grabbed her wrist, jerking her to him, and he caught the other wrist. "Damn it, Carol! You will listen! You ain't gonna hide no more! You ain't gonna run away from this group and make up a new life. You are Carol Peletier, mama of Sophia Peletier, wife of Ed Peletier, adopted mother to Mika and Lizzie Samuels!"
She closed her eyes tightly. "No. No, my name is—"
"Carol Peletier. You killed David and Karen, because you didn't want the flu to spread, Rick left you on the road, and now you're with another camp."
"Please, stop."
"You lost your little girl to a walker in the woods, and your husband got ate alive, and you stopped the change. You helped Hershel a walker bit his leg. You saved his life, T-dog gave his life for you, Carol, and don't you dare day 'no', because you don't wanna believe that no more. You are Carol."
She fell to her knees, Daryl fell with her, and she cried into her hands. Deep, powerful, body-shaking sobs, and Daryl kept reminding her who was she, what she had done—good and bad—and that people still love her. He forced her to remember everything she wanted to forget. He started to pick up on her denial of ever being Carol. She wanted to be someone else to not feel the guilt of killing two people, no matter what the reason for it was. It was her, but it wasn't her. She was trying to convince herself that she was Meredith Dixon from the start, but with Daryl being in her life now and with all they've talked about, all they've done, Meredith and Carol had started a war, and Carol was winning. Daryl wanted Carol to win, because that was the woman he wanted to be with always. Carol was his best friend, a good shot, a good person who's intentions got mixed up, and was the only woman who had ever made him feel. She was the only woman he wanted to be with. Carol, not Meredith, and he would make sure Meredith Dixon never existed again. Never.
It took a long while for Carol to calm down, Daryl went out to find them something to eat as she washed her face, and she stared at the reflection in the mirror. She was pale, red-eyed, shaking. This was the Carol she didn't want to be, and Daryl had forced it out of her. They had that effect on each other. Whenever one was losing their self, the other brought them back. She brought him back after Sophia, he helped her to grow strong and was slowly bringing her back from whoever the hell this person was she was trying to be. She wanted him to stop, but it was too late for that. Daryl was a constant reminder of her past, and he was the only tie she could not cut. She loved Daryl. He kept her going for such a long time. After Sophia, all she wanted to do was die, and she almost did, but Daryl saved her. He heard her scream, and he rode up on a motorcycle to save her. He found her when she was so sure no one would. He put his arms around her and took her back to the only home she'd ever needed. Wherever Daryl was, that's where Carol wanted to be, but that won't happen. The prison won't fall, she would never want it to, and even if her camp got overrun, there's no way Rick would ever let her into the prison again.
She stared the Cherokee rose on her wrist. Sophia. Her baby girl. She wasn't strong enough to protect Sophia, but she had made sure Lizzie and Mika were strong. She prayed they took her words to heart and were surviving this world. Daryl hadn't said much about them, so that worried her. Lizzie was strong. She would protect herself and her sister from walkers and people. She would.
The front door shut, Carol left the bathroom and found Daryl at the table, preparing whatever game he had caught. She stayed on the stairs as he moved around, starting a fire, finding a pan to cook the meat in, and she smiled. If the world hadn't ended, Ed would be alive and she would probably be dead. Ed would've done horrible things to Sophia, and Sophia wouldn't have survived that, even if she got away from him. In a way, this was for the best. Ed finally got his, and Sophia was in a better place. Carol would give anything to have her baby with her, but life isn't for getting your way, it's for living. You have to keep living. That's what Daryl wanted her to do, that's why she killed Karen and David. They all had to keep living.
"You gonna eat?" Daryl called up to her.
She walked down the stairs, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "I can't thank you, but I'm not mad at you."
"Mad for what? Bein' here or makin' you stay?"
She slid her hands down to his shoulders. "Both. You're as stubborn as mule, Daryl Dixon, but I wouldn't want you to be any other way."
"Don't sound like a compliment, but I'm gonna make it as one."
She leaned up and kissed him, he slid his arms around her waist and lifted her up, her legs locked around his hips. She curled her fingers through his hair, he groaned when she tugged lightly, and she smiled at the sound.
"Said we wasn't gonna do this," Daryl breathed in between kisses.
"Do you really want to stop?"
He pulled back, she searched his face, and he hauled her over his shoulder, going upstairs. She laughed when he set her down on the bed, his fingers intertwined with hers, their mouths finding each other, and instead of taking off her bracelet, she left it on. All of the other times before, she'd taken it off, as if she didn't want her life with Bobby to mix with her life with Daryl. It didn't matter anymore. She'd made a decision tonight, and they both could feel the change in her. Tonight would be the last. It had to be. Something had to be done about Phillip, and they would that together.
