Chapter 9

Standing in front of the open refrigerator door, Kate gently chewed on the end of her pen while surveying the shelves to see what was needed during their next grocery trip. The orange juice was nearly empty, and she only had a few more yogurt containers left. And mustard—Castle had finished the last of her favorite mustard the day before.

She stepped away from the fridge, jotted those three items down on the notepad she held in her hand, and walked back over to the counter where her tablet sat open. She scanned over the two recipes she's pulled up for the next few nights' dinner and wrote down the key ingredients for them as well. Though she would have once found the feeling laughable, Kate found herself enjoying domesticity more and more. True, some tasks annoyed her, and she would night put up a fight if Castle offered to be the one to do the grocery shopping, but she liked the idea of organizing her week and picking out meals, especially since the more time passed, the more she could do so with Lily in mind. She doubted she would ever enjoy the task of cooking more than her partner, but she had certainly come a long way from her single days when she would prepare a meal at home once a week—if that often.

"You know, I'm not so sure about that new box of diapers."

Kate looked over to where Castle was coming down the stairs carrying the baby in his left arm. He had just taken her upstairs to deal with a "blowout" situation that Lily had seemed to find hilarious; her parents did not agree. "Well, we needed them and they were out of every other kind but the store brand."

He shook his head. "It's not that. Maybe these run smaller or something? I know they're supposed to be the same size, but they just seem to be really tight across her thighs. I think it might be time to try the next size up."

Kate nodded and gestured to him with her pen. "I will add it to the list."

He walked over and peered over her shoulder. "How much stuff are you gonna make me get tomorrow?"

"It's not that much…or do you want me to order it of delivery instead?"

"But if we get it delivered, I don't get to make any impulse buys."

She nodded knowingly, as they'd had that conversation before—several times. "I know, babe, but then you gotta get everything on the list."

He shrugged. "We'll make it work. Won't we Lily? Yes we will." He cooed to his daughter as he carried her into the other room. Kate smiled as she watched them go, not sure which of them would be more excited to spend the day with the other.

A little more than a week had passed since Castle had revealed to her all that he remembered of his time away from them and things between them were definitely better, though in some ways also more challenging. Overall, Castle's mood seemed better—lighter—and she could never be sad about that. He seemed more relaxed and had only had one nightmare, which was an amazing improvement. Despite these positives, there were times she felt so frustrated she thought she just might explode.

Never before in her life had Kate experienced a situation where she could not speak about a certain topic. Sure, she kept secrets plenty of times, but most were not even close to being the same magnitude of what Castle had shared with her. Besides, during all prior times, she could at least discuss the secret issue with the person requesting she keep it to herself. This time she and Castle could speak about none of it—ever.

Seeing as she had taken in a lot of information during their time in that hotel room, it took Kate several days to really wrap her head all that he had said. As it slowly sunk in, Kate felt a range of emotions from anger to sorrow to fear. His tale had been heart wrenching for sure, particularly the details about all that he suffered through at the hands of his captors, but even though the semblance of closure brought relief, she still felt the urge to ask dozens more questions.

At first Kate thought she could use her work computer to map out all that he'd said, create some semblance of a timeline, and start to fill in the information from there, but just as she was about to begin building the document, she thought better of it. Castle remained convinced that the loft was being spied on by the CIA. Did it then not stand to reason that the CIA could have been looking into her as well? On the off chance that was the case, she had no idea what the CIA would do to her or Castle if they found out and Lily's safety was not worth the risk. She needed her family to stay together above all else.

They were being as safe say they could—not speaking about any of it at the loft, not even in code. At Castle's suggestion, she even continued to harp on him about seeing a therapist. He suggested they keep up that ruse for at least another few weeks until it would be clear to anyone listening that she had given up more from lack of results than because she'd learned something she should not have.

Frustrating as it was, Kate tried to remind herself every day that while they might never know all the details the answer to the mystery of where Castle had been for fifteen months had been solved. She would probably never know who took him, why he wasn't found sooner, or what exactly the CIA had done to his brain to remove some of those memories, but she had him, and that was the most important thing. She had her family and for that she was thankful every day.

With the grocery list now complete, Kate wandered into the office to see what Castle and Lily were up to. She hovered in the doorway, watching as Castle lay on his stomach in front of his daughter, who sat up as she played with a variety of toys. She'd put one in her mouth, gnaw on it for a minute, and then pick up another and repeat the pattern. Once she dropped one of the plastic toys in just the right way so that it landed on a pile of other toys. This action resulted in one of the small plastic cups popping up and hitting her on the arm. Kate doubted it hurt very much, mostly likely it startled her, but whatever the case, Lily instantly burst into tears.

Kate instinctually stepped forward to intervene, but as Castle was closer, he beat her to it. "Oh, sweetheart, you're okay," he said melodically as he popped up off his stomach and brought her into his arms. She continued to cry so he stood up, brought her in to his chest, and began bouncing as he walked around the room. As he did this, he made hushing noises and steadily stroked her back. After one lap around the room, her cries quieted to whimpers, so he pressed his lips against her temple and said, "You're okay. That little cup didn't hurt you. Daddy's got you and you're okay."

Just as he turned to make another lap around the room, Kate watched Lily snuggle her head into the crook of his neck and felt tears prick her eyes. God, she loved this incredible man and little girl so much her chest ached. They were her family her wonderful, incredible family. In that moment, she felt a sense of calm wash over her. She might not have been able to control the past, or the future, but she could control the present. This was her family—this was her life—and she needed to start living it to the fullest.

Stepping forward, Kate reached out and stroked her hand down Lily's back. Lily turned and looked at her for a moment before yawning and rubbing her pudgy fist against her eye. "Uh oh, I think someone's getting sleepy."

"Definitely," Castle agreed. "You want to put her down while I finish up the laundry?"

"Sure. C'mon sweetheart; time for bed." Kate reached out and pulled Lily into her arms. She cradled her close, stopped off in the kitchen to grab a bottle, and then headed upstairs to get her daughter ready for bed.


Forty minutes later Kate returned to find Castle sitting on the couch folding and sorting their laundry load of towels. He smiled and moved the basket to the coffee table to give her room to sit beside him. "She fall asleep?"

"Yeah…she fought it a little bit tonight, but I think she's out now."

"Good. So…movie? Or I think there might be a Yankees game on if you want to suffer through it," he added with a wink.

"As fun as that sounds, I had something else in mind."

"Oh?"

She dumped the pile of unfolded towels back into the laundry bin, pulled the half-folded washcloth out of his hand, and dropped that in the bin as well. Then, she grabbed his hand and tugged him off the couch. He looked a bit confused for several moments until her path to the bedroom was clear. Then, a small smile crept across his face. "Are…are you sure you're ready for this, Kate?"

She turned around so that she was walking backwards as she led the way into their bedroom. "I was going to ask you that."

His eyes darkened as he nodded. "I'm definitely ready."

"Me too."

She continued to lead him through the bedroom and in to the adjoining bathroom. She shut the door, turned on the exhaust fan, and then cranked on the shower water. Turning back to him she asked softly, "Do you think we can talk in here?"

He stared at her for several moments, clearly thinking. Then, he held up his index finger as a signal that she should wait. He darted out of the bathroom and returned a moment later with the clock from beside his bed, which was actually a combination alarm and radio. He placed it on the bathroom counter, plugged it in, and turned it to one of the local rock music stations. Then turning back to her he said, "We should be okay to talk quietly, I think."

"Okay." She agreed then, she pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it onto the ground. She then removed her pants, panties, and finally her bra before standing in front of him naked for the first time since his return and feeling perhaps the slightest bit self-conscious, for her body was a little different than he remembered. Though she was back to her pre-pregnancy weight, what remained was no longer evenly distributed. Her breasts had deflated after she stopped breastfeeding and her belly was definitely a little rounder. Come to think of it: so was her ass. If Castle picked up on any of these things, he didn't mind them; he gazed at her with as much awe then as he had the first time they'd made love.

"God, you're gorgeous."

"Even with stretch marks?"

"What stretch marks," he replied before stepping forward and crushing his mouth against hers. She banded her arms around his waist and sunk into him. At the feeling of his mouth, hot and wet against hers, she could not help but let out a small groan. God, yes; she was ready for this. She hadn't had sex in sixteen months and while for a good potion of that time she was too pregnant or too exhausted to think about it, she was more than ready then; more than ready to feel him inside her.

As they continued to kiss, Kate began to undo the buttons on his shirt and then quickly pushed the item off his shoulders. She broke their kiss so she could look down and unfasten his pants. When they fell to the floor, she tugged down his boxers and then dropped to her knees in front of him. She moved her hands to his hips, using her thumbs against the lines carved into his flesh. She examined each of them before moving her lips over them, hoping to kiss away their horrible memories. Once she'd touched each of them with her mouth she stood, gave him a small smile, and led the way into the shower.

Castle pushed her up against the tile wall and sunk against her, bringing his lips to the underside of her jaw as he sighed out, "I love you so much."

"I love you."

"I missed you so much…thought about you all the time…"

"Me too…"

As his fingers traced a path across her breasts and down her sides, Kate mirrored his actions. She skimmed her hands down his spine until she reached his ass. She grabbed it, dragging him towards her in the way she traditionally did to tell him that she was ready, but instead of gleefully grabbing her leg and hoisting her up against the shower wall as he had done in the past, he merely collapsed forward and buried his face into her neck. She held him close and shifted her legs to better support his weight. Only then did she realize he was no longer pressing against her leg.

"Castle?" she asked gently, lifting her right hand to stroke down the back of his head.

He lifted his head and sniffled slightly. "Sorry."

She shook her head, brushing off his apology. "It's okay. If you're not ready we-"

"No, no. I want to—I want to I just…being here made me remember…"

Her heart clenched beneath her ribs and she cradled his face gently. "What did you remember?"

"Being on the ground as they hosed me off. I was…I was already in so much pain and the water was freezing cold and I just…I didn't… I didn't know how much more I could take."

Kate felt tears begin to collect in her own eyes as she heard the desperation in his tone. She had always known him as a fighter, someone who would never give up, but hearing what horrors he went through she had no idea how he'd come through it and managed to get back to being his old self as well as he had—even if part of the memories missing.

Castle sniffled and wiped his eyes with his fingertips before rasping out, "You're the only reason I'm here Kate; I need you to know that."

She delicately stroked her hand across the damp hair above his temple and sighed, "I don't…what do you mean by that?"

He shook his head as a tear slid down the length of his nose and dripped off. "There were times when…I never thought of myself as a week person. I thought I was tough—maybe tougher than I actually am—but I…I never thought I'd face something like that: unrelenting pain and misery. I wanted to come home to you, to marry you, but there were times when…when it just hurt s-so bad." His voice squeaked on the word and he brought his hands up to cover his face. "I was in so much pain that there were times when I thought just letting to might be easier and I could just slip away and the pain would stop but…but I knew I couldn't do that, because I'd promised you forever. I promised you our happy ending and—and I had to get back here so we could have it."

"Oh, Castle." Tears fell down her face as she leaned her forehead against his and held him close. "I'm so sorry—I'm so, so sorry you had to go through all of that. I don't know how you did it."

"It was the only way I could get home to you." He added with a fractured smile. Then, he dipped his face under the shower spray for a moment before confessing, "Sorry. Guess I'm still a bit of a mess."

"No, no—you're a survivor and please never apologize when you're being this sweet."

He gave her a long kiss and sighed, "I love you."

"I love you," she replied. "More than you could ever know."

They he'd each other tightly for several minutes before she felt his hands slide down to squeeze her ass and pull her body closer to his. Lifting her head, she gazed up at him and asked softly, "Are you ready now?"

He nodded and bent his knees so he could reach down and hoist her up against the wall. "Yeah, I'm ready now."


"You asleep?"

Kate hummed as she felt her fiancé stroke his hand across the arm she had draped over his chest. She hadn't been sleeping, just resting contentedly in his arms. She lifted her head and propped her chin up against the edge of his shoulder. Giving him a playful smirk she said, "Why? You ready for round two?"

He smirked back. "Maybe in a minute. Actually, I was wondering if you'd marry me."

Her brow wrinkled and she pushed herself up so that she lay on her hip propped up with her elbow against the mattress. "I've already said yes."

He reached out his hand, grabbed on to her arm, and clarified with, "I mean now—tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow. Call in sick to your shift at work, we'll grab Lily, Alexis, and our parents and go to the courthouse." He drew her hand up close so he could press two kisses onto the back of it and sighed out, "Marry me, Kate; I just want you to be my wife."

"Oh Castle." She sighed out and stroked her hand down his face. "I want to be your wife too, but not tomorrow."

His expression sobered slightly and he asked, "Why? Would you rather have a big wedding like we'd planned?"

"No, it's not that. It's just…" She paused to give herself a moment to collect her thoughts on this spur-of-the-moment subject. "I love you, Castle, and of course I want to marry you—sooner than later, but…you've been back barely a month. We're still settling into our new routine. We're on our way back to finding our 'normal' and I just…I want to make sure we get there before we get married."

She wanted to marry him then just as much as she ever had, but she also wanted their wedding to be more about their love and devotion to one another than making up for lost time or trying to compensate for any uncertainties they might still have as a result of their separation. She wanted them to be in love and happy, without any thoughts of his time as a hostage lingering over them. They would get there—she had full confidence that they would get there—but they just weren't ready quite yet.

"Okay."

"Hey." She cupped his jaw and stroked her thumb over his cheek. "Please don't be too disappointed."

"I'm not…only a little disappointed."

She cracked a small smile at his confession. "I do want to marry you, Rick. Let's just…let's just talk about it in a few weeks okay?"

He nodded. "Okay; I can live with that."

"Good." She agreed. Then, she slid herself a bit closer to him and threaded her right leg in between his. "Now, um, what were you're thoughts on round two?"

He grinned and rolled his body half on top of hers. "Well, we do have some time to make up for."

"A bit, yeah."

He placed a rough kiss on her lips and then wiggled his eyebrows at her. "Then I guess there's no time like the present!"


A/N: thanks so much for reading. epilogue will be up in a few days!