AN: Thank you to ALL reviewers. Especially those who give feedback on the story content, your opinions are helpful and I have taken into consideration everyone's comments.

Warnings: Incest, Language

Thanks - to Vienna Wood for editing this chapter, your assistance is appreciated.

NB: This chapter's M rated content has been removed/edited. Please visit my AO3 profile for the uncut chapter. Sensitive readers tread lightly.

- I apologize for the length of time between chapters, I know its longer than it used to be but I do try to update as fast as possible.

Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Placebo

Pairing: Elricest (Edward/Alphonse)

Rating: T

Verse: Post Manga, Deviation From Canon


Bitter Sweet


I was alone, falling free,
trying my best not to forget,
what happened to us, what happened to me,
what happened as I let it slip.

I was confused by the powers that be,
forgetting names and faces,
Passers by, were looking at me,
as if they could erase it.

I was alone, staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget,
all manner of joy, all manner of glee,
and our one heroic pledge.

How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,
and the consequences.
I was confused, by the birds and the bees,
forgetting if I meant it.

...and the sex and the drugs, and the complications...


Alphonse still felt physically sick.

But he knew that wasn't going to go away any time soon, the anxiety medication Edward had bought he hadn't bothered to take that morning in his hurry to get out of the apartment. He also hadn't taken any pain killers so his mid-section had a continuous dull throbbing ache that he had to silently contend with. And on top of all of that he had a headache and despite Elizabeth's effort to cheer him up, he was still feeling incredibly miserable.

His anger was long gone, replaced by sadness and so many questions and doubts, specifically concerning what Elizabeth had said about seeing Edward with Roy Mustang the night before. What she'd said hadn't 'incriminated' Edward –for lack of a less accusatory word from Al's vocabulary- in doing anything wrong, in fact, the way she described it had made it sound one sided from the General.

Alphonse still didn't like it, even though he was too emotionally taxed to get really angry again, the idea of Roy, who was supposed to a famous womanizer throughout Central and previously the East of Amestris, suddenly taking a romantic interest in Edward just aggravated him. Because it didn't fit…and yet it did.

Because Mustang and Ed been getting along and spending more time together than Edward had ever bothered to before and it had to mean something.

Al blinked slowly as he watched the streets of North Central go by, he was sitting beside Elizabeth in the back seat of her expensive chauffeured car as they were driven to her house, but he wasn't really seeing the blurs of people and street names as they drove, his mind was preoccupied.

He couldn't say that back when they were teenagers he'd ever seen anything more than jesting–and sometimes aggressive- discussions and interactions between Edward and Roy Mustang. He couldn't say he'd ever sensed chemistry or an underlying attraction between them either, not like he'd been able to do with Riza Hawkeye for Roy…or Winry for Edward, however subtle and unknowingly revealed, he'd been able to detect it in a look or a smile.

And Roy Mustang had never once looked at Edward in a way that suggested he liked him like that.

'So why all of a sudden? Did I miss something? Is this the same as me not noticing that Elizabeth liked me…' he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, she was staring out of the opposite window,'…I've been so distracted with everything going on between me and Ed that I could have not noticed…I guess.' He frowned slightly and raised his hand to his mouth, he started to nibble on his thumb nail without breaking it.

He wondered now about when Mustang had left the message to see Ed at HQ the previous morning. Edward had looked sort of thoughtful about it, as if he'd been considering something…and then Mustang had showed up and asked to take them both out to dinner hours later, it seemed sort of convenient.

'Did he really want to take us both out, or did Edward just include me to be polite?' he felt more than a little bitter and insulted by that thought, being invited along when he was possibly not included to begin with.

All the same, it didn't matter, the point was Alphonse could believe that Edward wasn't interested as Elizabeth had said it seemed. He'd never seen even a hint of that sort of feelings in his older brother for Mustang either…

But even though he could believe it, it didn't mean he was completely confident about it.

Elizabeth had also said Edward hadn't seemed 'standoffish' about the flirtation, which for Alphonse translated to 'Edward wasn't discouraging it' which was the same thing as not wanting to discourage it as far as Al was concerned.

'Maybe he's keeping his options open…after all, I did end our relationship…twice. Maybe he does like Mustang like that and he's just waiting.' his skin crawled and his stomach flipped unpleasantly at the thought of his older brother and Roy Mustang even doing something as simple as standing too close to each other.

When the very disturbing image of them kissing came to mind Al felt mentally violated and he took his thumb from his mouth –his nail now slightly jagged- and cradled his forehead in his hand as he frowned deeply and tried not to make the noise of disgust caught in his throat.

"Are you okay?" Elizabeth asked quietly and he heard her shift closer on the leather seats, "We'll be there in about five minutes, I'll make you something to eat and you can lie down, okay?" she suggested quietly and he felt her hand on his back, rubbing gently between his tense shoulders.

He just nodded weakly, her offer sounded great but he doubted he'd keep whatever he ate down with how nauseous he was right then and sleep would evade him as well since his thoughts were racing and he was feeling so irrationally hateful toward Roy Mustang.

Irrational because he didn't really know the older man personally and if the General wasn't entirely straight, or if he just liked Edward, Alphonse knew he had no right to be angry at Roy for taking an interest in his older brother. Mustang was a bachelor –always had been-and he was good looking, as Elizabeth had so readily pointed out. And Edward was –so very- good looking himself and was publically assumed single –although since their break up, literally single- and if Ed decided to get with Mustang Al knew he couldn't do a fucking thing to stop it from happening.

He couldn't say anything…it wasn't his place…it wasn't his choice…it was sickening to Alphonse.

Because it could be happening, they could be liking one another and getting closer, and he'd previously suspected it and told himself he as being paranoid and now he'd let Edward go and Mustang was right there.

Unlike Winry, who was far away so Edward couldn't turn to her for comfort should he seek it.

It was just so fucked up. He swallowed thickly, trying to force the lump in his throat to go away, he didn't want to start crying in front of Elizabeth, honestly, that would be an entirely new level of pathetic even for him.

He felt the car slow and the hand on his back stilled,

"We're here Al, come on, let's get inside." She said quietly as if she was aware of his headache.

He got out of the car with her after picking his books up off the seat and they made their way into the building, he noticed Elizabeth looked a little down and even though he didn't want her to, he suspected she was worried about him.

'This is just like it was with Brother and Winry all those years ago, it's the same look she used to have whenever Edward and I would leave again for a mission and she'd not know if we were going to come back or not.' He sighed inwardly, hating that he was making Elizabeth worry over him.

Alphonse knew he wasn't worth her stress and concern, if she really knew him, she'd be disgusted and repulsed.

'So would Winry…and Granny and…and Teacher.' He watched the stairs under his feet as they ascended to the elevator level, 'Even Mustang would be disgusted.' He blinked his eyes as they burned,'And because of me, they'd all be disgusted with Edward too.'

His guilt was never too far below the surface and reminding himself that he'd dragged his brother into his sick mess made his anxiety pain worsen by a few notches and he grimaced, placing a light hand on his stomach. As they stepped into the elevator when it arrived –thankfully it was empty- Elizabeth held his elbow lightly and he glanced at her where she stood beside him, frowning with concern,

"Alphonse, you look a lot paler than you did five minutes ago," she informed him, "whatever you're thinking about, let it go for a while, just until you've had some time to eat and rest." She advised while looking unsure of something and he just glanced at the floor numbers lighting up one after the other, having no response.

"Look," she continued with a frown, "I probably shouldn't suggest this but, my mother has prescription Zolpidem for insomnia," she sighed, "I'd hate for you to take something not prescribed for you but you know how sleeping pills are, they're not so bad unless you get addicted…and you look like you're about to fall over and if you're not sleeping there has to be something keeping you awak-"

"Elizabeth." He said softly, managing a small thankful smile after cutting off her self-justifying explanation. She was trying to validate her offering him medication he wasn't supposed to take and he didn't think she needed to, she was only trying to help and shouldn't feel bad for it. "Thank you, a sleeping pill will actually hel-…" he blinked at her a few times and the elevator dinged a moment later, as if punctuating his realization as he had it.

When they stepped out on the right floor, Elizabeth looking confused at his unfinished statement, Alphonse stopped walking and turned to look at her uncertainly, wondering if he had any right to ask. He'd remembered after her offer that both of her parents were doctors and if there was one thing they were likely to have in their house, it was high level prescription medications.

"What is it?" she frowned as they stood in the short hall a few meters from the double doors of the penthouse, the elevator doors slid closed again and Al took a breath,

"Uh…since you're offering..." he rubbed his right forearm with his free left hand, "…do you think you could check if your parents have any prescription anxiety meds?" he asked very quietly, "That'd really help me out."

Had he not been in so much pain he would never have stooped so low as to ask a good friend for drugs.

She blinked at him and her frown disappeared as if she was shocked,

"You…do you suffer from anxiety attacks?" she held her books to her chest tighter.

He shook his head quickly and made an ambivalent expression,

"No…not attacks, I've just been under some severe…" he hated to say it to her, "…emotional stress lately and it's started to make me sick." He practically mumbled and looked at her hopefully.

She stared at him, he could just about see all the questions she wanted to ask reflected in her pretty green eyes, but she didn't ask and he really loved that about her, she never pried into his business. She blinked after a second, her dark lashes lowering as she glanced at the floor and then back at him,

"I'll check, I think there might be something…" she nodded and turned to walk toward the door. Alphonse felt very relieved at her acquiescence and he started to follow but when they reached the doors she stopped with her hand on the handle, she was frowning again and he looked at her questioningly, "Just, promise me…" she sighed and looked at Alphonse sternly, "…promise me you're not addicted to benzodiazepines or something." She said in a hushed voice.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows and half gaped at her,

"Addicted?" he asked back quietly, "Why would you think that?"

She took her hand off the handle and clutched her books again,

"Because…" her eyebrows drew together upwards, she looked sort of cute with her face all scrunched up with worry, "…you're pale, shaky, your skin looks clammy like you're having cold sweats, you're not eating or sleeping, you're having abdominal pain and you're asking for strong pills that should be prescribed to you if you have a problem by a doctor, but you obviously haven't been to one and…" she trailed off because Alphonse couldn't help smile at her.

He started to chuckle quietly as he ran a hand through his hair, she pouted,

"What's funny?" Elizabeth huffed.

"Elizabeth…" he was surprised by how fondly he said her name, "…I'm not going through withdrawal." He stated calmly. "I promise you I am not addicted to prescription drugs, okay?"

She sighed heavily and brushed her hair back from her face as well,

"Okay, I- I believe you." She finally opened the door. He frowned slightly,

"Thank you I guess, at least I now know you think I'm capable of being a drug addict." He muttered as he followed her into the sort of familiar house.

He closed the door after himself and turned around to find her weakly glaring at him,

"Alphonse, I come from a family of doctors, uncles, aunts, cousins…" she was speaking very quietly, "…my parents. I know drug dependence too well, I've seen the long and short of it." She confessed, "There's a reason I think we might have just about anything you're looking for." Elizabeth turned around abruptly and walked down the hall, her heels clacking lightly as she went.

Alphonse almost felt bad for guessing correctly about her parents having a wide variety of drugs in the house, but almost was not enough to stop him from feeling relieved about getting his hands on some proper anxiety meds without seeing a doctor.

He followed her down the hall at a slower pace and stopped in the large living room area when he saw the house keeper standing and staring at him. He'd forgotten her name so he smiled at her as familiarly as possible,

"Hello again." He tried to not be obvious about it but when she raised an eyebrow, he assumed she knew he didn't remember her name because she looked vaguely patronizing,

"Hello Mister Alphonse Elric." She rubbed it in, her tone clipped, that she knew his name and that he'd been an ass to forget hers. His smile turned rueful and he was about to ask her for her name when he heard Elizabeth call him loudly,

"Alphonse, where are you? Come here!" she yelled and he felt amused by that because he remembered her saying she liked to yell across the house to annoy her parents.

He gave the unsmiling housekeeper a stupid –and awkward- wave and then turned away, he clutched his books at his side and walked through the archway that would take him in the direction of Elizabeth's voice and the part of the house he knew the bathrooms and bedrooms were in.

Alphonse walked passed a few closed doors until he stopped outside the familiar bathroom he'd last been in when he'd visited there the first time,

"Elizabeth, where are you?" he asked aloud and then smiled when Toby yipped and came trotting out of an open door further down the hall,

"In here." She said aloud and he was able to guess that it was from the room her happy pet just came from.

He walked to the room and stopped in the door way, it was a massive bedroom, bigger than his and Edward's put together. For that reason he knew it was the master bedroom and in turn, her parents' bedroom so he stepped back out and leaned against the wall in the hall beside the door, not comfortable with just wandering in.

He hadn't seen Elizabeth and he hoped he'd guessed the right room, a minute later she popped her head out of the bedroom and looked at him and he felt relieved,

"Why're you waiting here?" she raised an eyebrow and stepped out into the hallway, she was still holding her books as she closed the door behind her.

"It's obviously your parents' bedroom Elizabeth, it'd be very inappropriate for me to just go inside." He explained quietly. She raised both her eyebrows,

"Oh wow, you're just adorable." She smirked. He narrowed his eyes,

"Don't make fun of me, it is bad manners and you know it…" he thought of an example, "…you wouldn't just walk into my brother's bedroom if you were visiting me again would you?" he asked pointedly, his stomach knotting strangely at the mixture of feelings the question gave him.

There was a time where he'd never needed to knock on Ed's bedroom door…yet now he felt like he'd have to knock every time before entering his older sibling's bedroom.

She half rolled her eyes,

"Of course I know you're right, yes I wouldn't go into your brother's bedroom…but…" she smirked, "…I would go into yours." Elizabeth turned and walked back the way he'd come. He didn't know if she'd meant that as some sort of sexual innuendo but he didn't let it stop his honest response,

"That would be rude too." He informed her as he followed her until two closed doors back down the hall,

"You're so old fashioned." she responded rolling her eyes and opened the door she'd stopped at.

Alphonse once again stopped in the doorway when she walked in, he looked into the bedroom –obviously hers- and then he looked at her as she dumped her books on a cluttered desk and turned to face him. She looked amused,

"Come inside, Alphonse." she waved her hand slowly in a gesture to bring his attention to the large bedroom, bigger than his own and Edward's, not together but separately.

He hesitated but then walked inside a few steps,

"Put your books down on the desk and close the door." She said with a sigh as she walked to her high double bed and sat down on the cushioned chest at the foot. Alphonse watched her as she started to remove her heels,

"Um…" he glanced at the door just behind him, "…you said there was a guest bedroom." He reminded awkwardly.

She tossed her heels onto the carpeted floor around her bed and rolled her eyes,

"Yes Alphonse, there is and you are going to sleep in there…I promise I'm not going to tie you to my bed and have my merry little way with you." She said sarcastically and he blushed as well as felt stupid, "I just wanted to come in here for a while so that Erica doesn't eavesdrop." She stood up, looking just a bit shorter without her shoes on.

Alphonse walked in a little more but didn't close the door or put his books down,

"We don't exactly talk about anything worth eavesdropping on." He mumbled and watched her as she came to stand in front of him. She pulled a small white bottle out of her suit pants pocket and shook it pointedly so the contents clacked around noisily,

"I meant about this." Elizabeth looked a little offended as she pressed the bottle into his free hand.

Alphonse felt really bad again for being so unfair toward her, he'd yelled at her earlier and now he as acting as if she were some sort of molester,

"Elizabeth…" he got her attention quietly before she left her bedroom, she turned to look at him and he said the only thing that described his shameful attitude, "…I'm being a complete asshole." He stated firmly and approached her, "Thank you for helping me when you don't have to." he said sincerely and gripped the little bottle tightly in his hand.

She shrugged,

"You are being an asshole, but I'll let it slide this time cause I can see you're going through something." She raised a finger and an eyebrow, "Just remember that you owe me, so if I ever start yelling at you when I'm on my period, don't you dare get mad at me."

Alphonse couldn't help blushing at how blunt she was, he almost wanted to cover his face but that'd be childish, aside from them both being adults, they were both going to be doctors and nothing was stupider than blushing over the mention of something so biological. He shook his head after a moment, still red faced,

"Yes, I swear I won't say a thing."

She was grinning, clearly satisfied with her handiwork in making him blush,

"Come on, let's get you something to eat…you can't take any medication until you've eaten." She said rather seriously and Al just nodded, not willing to disagree.

They made their way back to the lounge area and Elizabeth insisted he stopped carrying his books around so he put them down on the fancy glass coffee table when he sat down. But Elizabeth quickly grabbed his arm so he stood up again and she dragged him in the opposite direction of the archway and into a spacious kitchen lined with cupboards, an island and wall counter space.

It occurred to him again just how wealthy Elizabeth's family was,

'They're doctors, it's not surprising.' He thought as he glanced at his green eyed friend, she was opening and closing cupboards, looking lost if you asked Alphonse, he smiled,

"You don't even know what you're looking for, do you?" he asked quietly and leaned on the counter island.

She closed another cupboard and turned to face him, her long black hair swinging around,

"Um…ahah, well…no, not really…" she admitted, blowing out her cheeks.

Alphonse's smile broadened,

"What do you usually do about food?" he enquired, fingering the bottle of pills he'd slipped into his pants pocket.

She grinned and took in a deep breath,

"Erica!" she yelled and Al closed one eye at the high pitch of it as he shook his head, still smiling,

"And you called me spoiled." He mumbled.

Elizabeth just laughed and Alphonse just smiled at her.


They were sitting together at the dining room table, Alphonse was just finishing his fourth sandwich from the plate that Erica had laid down on the table for them. At first he'd almost felt bad about eating any of them, the plate was so fancily laid out, the sandwiches looked so decorative as well but when Elizabeth had started eating he'd followed her in doing so.

It was sort of nice actually to eat such attractive food and not long after the sandwiches Erica also brought out three different beverages of soda, juice and iced tea as well as a bowl of fresh fruit salad and some sort of cold pasta salad with fresh rolls and a large side plate of cheeses, spreads and hams.

He tried a bit of everything and ate slowly and Elizabeth made a comment saying he didn't need to be shy, he just smiled but didn't say anything because he wasn't being shy, he was just eating slowly because he was trying to keep himself from throwing up. The rich cheeses and sweet drinks weren't agreeing with his tempestuous insides right then but he knew he had to eat to take the pills.

He swallowed the last bite of his sandwich and then sipped his iced tea, washing the unwelcomed food down with a bit of a grimace. Just then Erica came back in to clear away some of the used dishes,

"Thank you Erica, that was really great." He forced a smile but he was sincere in his words, on any other day when he wasn't feeling like utter shit, he knew that sort of lunch would have been delightful.

She nodded while Elizabeth just smiled at her around a mouthful of juicy fruit pieces and then she walked away with handfuls of dishes. Alphonse waited until she was out of sight and then he quickly pulled the pills from his pocket, he raised it to eye level and read the label,

'Diazepam, 10 milligrams…perfect, it'll help me sleep as well. I wish I could keep it.' he popped the lid of the bottle open and dropped one of the pills into his palm.

"You can only take 3 a day, you know that right?" Elizabeth asked quietly, she was sitting beside him.

He frowned as he popped the tablet into his mouth and picked up his iced tea, he swallowed it down and then looked at her,

"It's not as if I'll have them to take." He mumbled as he tried to remember how long he'd have to wait for them to take effect, he really wanted his cold clammy skin and aching insides to ease up as soon as possible.

"What do you mean?" she blinked at him with a forkful of peach slices just inches from her mouth.

To make his point he held the bottle out to her,

"These are your mother's right?" he'd read the prescription label, "I can't take this, she'll notice." He whispered, aware of the housekeeper. In the back of his mind he couldn't help thinking of the last time he'd stolen pills from an older woman.

'Don't blush, don't blush…don't you dare blush.' His face only felt mildly warm so he figured it wouldn't be noticeable.

Elizabeth shook her head, chewing and swallowing the peaches as she placed her hand over his and pushed the bottle down below the table surface,

"She has three different prescriptions for that, she won't notice. You need it, you look awful Alphonse…" she sighed, "…I'd say you should see a doctor, but for now take those, she doesn't take it as often as her sleeping pills." Elizabeth managed a worried smile. He thought it was ironic how he also thought she needed to see a doctor but he wasn't going to bring that up right then, she was having a good day and hadn't even stumbled once since he saw her that morning.

He smiled at her and shifted their hands beneath the table, he was able to squeeze her fingers while holding the bottle,

"Thanks, you have no idea how much this'll help me."

Her smile turned sweet and she glanced at their hands before taking hers back and leaning her elbows on the table,

"As long as you stop PMS-ing, that'll be 'thanks' enough for me." she teased as she always did, brushing aside their small contact and while Al was glad she didn't take it as more than a thankful gesture, he was also sad because he could see that she'd probably have liked to.

'How'd I get so lucky to have such a great girl interested in me?' He looked back to the sandwiches and reached for another one. He was still nauseous but he was feeling positive now that he had some proper meds, so he decided to attempt another one, 'I wonder…if that's how Ed felt about Winry before I…' his stomach lurched and he hesitated with the small sandwich in his hand.

He needed to try and avoid those sorts of thoughts.

"Don't eat more than you can…" Elizabeth advised kindly and he didn't feel bad as he placed the sandwich on his plate untouched. He turned to watch Elizabeth as she finished off her fruit salad, her hair was pulled over her shoulder on one side and was not obscuring her face from where he sat.

She had really fine attractive features and very matte white skin, he imagined she was sought after by many men, which raised the question,

"Elizabeth, you asked me if I have a girlfriend…" he started quietly and she turned to look at him, licking some fruit juice off her lip as her fork clinked against the bowl when she pushed it aside,

"Hm?" she nodded.

"…why don't you have a boyfriend?" he asked and leaned his elbows on the table as well, pushing his plate away to make room.

She blinked and raised her eyebrows,

"Uh…I should have seen this question coming." She smiled in a strange way and then tilted her head to face him, making her hair skirt over the table surface unevenly, "Well, long story short Alphonse…" she looked at him dead on, green eyes serious and her smile slightly sad, "…I've been cheated on, a lot."

His heart sank,

"What?" he frowned and sat up straight as she nodded slightly,

"All of my boyfriends to date have cheated on me." She said quietly, with a bitter sort of humor in her tone, "so after the last one did about a year ago, I just gave up. My mother says that it's bad luck from a skipped generation because she met my dad in med school and married him. He was her first serious boyfriend, first love and they're still together, but not me…" she smiled again, but there wasn't a trace of humor now.

Alphonse could only imagine how it must have hurt…every single time.

That one time when he'd come home to find Edward coming out of Winry's temporary bedroom with his pants undone and his hair untidy…Alphonse had felt like his insides were suddenly ripped apart, and yet Ed hadn't even been with him then, they'd still been going through their rough patch.

But to be in a relationship and be cheated on every time…

"That's…that's horrible, how can people be so…cruel and fickle." He frowned and shook his head, he knew he'd love Edward forever, he didn't understand how feelings for some people were so fleeting.

"So, you believe in monogamy…" she said quietly, almost dreamily and with a small smile.

Alphonse didn't hesitate,

"Yes, of course…monogamy and loyalty, trust and honesty, commitment and love." He sighed, noticing how every word punctuated how he felt for Edward, he was just glad his stomach wasn't reacting violently to it.

He glanced at Elizabeth again, she looked sort of sad and he realized why she'd sounded so dreamy,

'…oh right, she likes me. I probably sound great to her…she has no idea how fucked up I really am.' He smiled at her,

"But you shouldn't give up, there are guys out there who aren't superficial bastards you know, I've met quite a few good guys…so there have to be more." He reasoned.

She just shrugged and pushed her chair back to stand up,

"Not in the city there aren't." she mumbled.

He frowned,

'Oh dammit, I'm not from the city…geez, how long has she liked me?' he was starting to really wonder how blind he'd been to her feelings. How long had she been considering him as a possibility andwhen had she realized she wasn't getting anywhere?

She'd said before that she knew he didn't want to be more than friends, so she obviously got to a point where she noticed he wasn't feeling the same and he wondered what exactly he'd done to make her realize it.

He stood up as well and decided to change the subject but then she did first as she walked toward the hall and he followed,

"You should lie down, those are strong pills, in another 15 minutes you'll be as good as high." She joked as if they hadn't been having a serious conversation. He fell into step beside her,

"Yeah, I'm already feeling better." He admitted since his insides were easing their continuous ache, "Are your parents at work, are you sure they won't mind me being here?"

Elizabeth shook her head,

"Nope, daddy might have but he's in the North for a few days and my mother won't mind at all. She'll be home later after work and you'll have to endure dinner with her…" she made a face that said 'sorry'.

Alphonse just shook his head and smiled,

"I think your parents are wonderful people, I don't mind at all."

She gave him a crocodile grin,

"You better not say such charming stuff at dinner, or I swear, my mother is going to start negotiating with you about marrying me the minute she gets you alone." She shook her head.

Alphonse didn't know why he said it, maybe because there was still an underlying sadness in her eyes that were usually so happy, but the words just slipped out and they were honest,

"You deserve far better than someone who needs to be negotiated with." He said it very quietly.

Her eyes brightened just a bit, he knew he eased at least some of her emotional ache with his kind words. He knew the effect of kind words well, it was the same feeling he had anytime that Edward looked at him and told him how much he loved him.

No matter how little he felt he deserved it.


Alphonse swore he could feel Edward's warm breath on the back of his neck, he felt like the touches of hands –slightly rough textured skin of Ed's dexterous fingers- were trailing over his arm until their fingers laced together. He could have sworn that Ed was lying with him, spooning him, for how warm, relaxed and calm he was…

But the bed he laid on smelled of fresh and unfamiliar laundry detergent and there was a comfortable quiet around him instead of a deafening silence like the one in their apartment. Alphonse knew even before he took a quiet deep breath and opened his heavy eyelids, that he was not lying beside Edward…he wasn't lying beside anyone.

He swallowed thickly, his mouth felt dry but still tasted vaguely sweet from the iced tea he'd drunk earlier. He rolled onto his back from the spoon position he'd been laying in, the spot he rolled into was cold. He frowned irritably, opening and closing his bleary eyes a few times before he actually looked around the unfamiliar guest bedroom.

It was dark.

He groaned quietly and brought his hands up to rub at his eyes,

'How long did I sleep? I must have been really out of it to just come over to Elizabeth's house and fall asleep like the dead.' he sighed as he sat up slowly, his head felt heavy and he was a little congested but he also felt rested and not anxious.

He looked around the plain but nice bedroom that Elizabeth had shown him to after they'd eaten, his eyesight was adjusting to dark and he could make out the drawers, wardrobe and sofa that were in the bedroom besides the bed. He also noticed the curtains were drawn and he wondered if Elizabeth had closed them before or after he'd fallen asleep.

It was sort of a blur to him, once the pills had kicked in and mixed with all of his already present exhaustion, his mind and body's stress had slowed down to a manageable pace. He remembered being grateful that she'd taken him to the guestroom and told him to lay down…because he'd slipped into sleep so quickly he'd probably been just short of passing out on the nearest surface.

'Those pills are heavenly.' He smiled slightly and sniffed uselessly, his nasal passages were all blocked up. His smiled faded after a moment as he shifted to get off the bed, he sat on the edge and placed his face in his hands,

'I have to thank Elizabeth for everything…' his back stiffened and he made an awkward face before glancing at the door, '…her mother must be home by now and I've been passed out in the bedroom. Shit, talk about pathetic and rude.' He groaned again quietly and gripped handfuls of his hair.

He was feeling better but even with that he was reminded that this wasn't home…so he couldn't be completely comfortable. As that thought crossed his mind Alphonse had another urgent thought and it jolted him into a standing position so fast his bruise hurt,

"Oh shit…Edward." He felt guilty –even if it didn't make his insides ache- because he knew that Ed would be worried about him, since it was dark out then it was far later than he should have returned home by.

And Edward didn't have any idea where he was.

'He's gonna be so pissed…' Alphonse threw all of his previous cares out of his mind, Elizabeth's mother namely, and he walked to the door without putting his shoes back on and let himself out. He glanced along the hall both ways, vaguely remembering that Elizabeth had taken him to the bedroom beside her own.

He walked a meter and half to her bedroom door and knocked in quick rapid succession; feeling troubled because he knew Ed would be stressing over him,

'I really am a complete asshole, he doesn't deserve to have to worry about me on top of everything else.' He scolded himself and was just about to knock again when the door opened and Elizabeth blinked her green eyes at him and smiled,

"Hey, the dead has risen." She pulled the door open wider and then frowned, "Why do you look so worried, the medication should still be in your system, you can't be feel-…"

"What time is it?" he asked quickly and ran a hand through his –undoubtedly- messy hair.

She blinked a few times and then glanced at her wristwatch,

"It's after 8…why, what's wrong?"

Alphonse took a few quick breaths and smacked his hand to his forehead,

"I have to call Edward, he must be so worried about me." he groaned.

Elizabeth quickly stood up straight,

"Oh, you need a phone?"

He nodded quickly as he dragged his hand down the side of his face, he was really glad he wasn't in any pain inside, just the slightest throb from his bruise was all he felt, he knew if it wasn't for the medication he'd have been splitting with pain right then for his inconsideration towards his brother.

Elizabeth waved for him to follow down the hall and so he did, they stopped outside another closed door and she opened it and told him to go inside with her. It wasn't a bedroom so he didn't feel too uncomfortable but when he realized it was a study or office he frowned,

"Is this your dad's?" he assumed as he glanced around the lavish room lined with bright shiny wood shelving, it was an almost dazzling room of amber and beige, books, paintings and collected ornamental items.

"Yeah, we have a personal phone line in here, you can call your brother." she was over at the desk, holding up the handset for the phone.

'They have a personal phone line…' he thought as he approached, knowing few people who did. Calling Edward was still his main priority, even though he felt that he probably shouldn't be in her father's personal study.

"Thanks, I won't be long." He took the handset from her, he hoped she'd leave but he didn't really expect her to, he was only calling his brother after all and she wouldn't think he'd want privacy for that.

It wasn't like he needed any actually.

He turned the dial and input their apartment building's telephone number and then he waited as the line connected and it started to ring. It rang a few times before someone answered,

"Hi, Alphonse Elric calling for apartment 34." He said evenly and glanced at Elizabeth as she flopped into her father's oversized fancy desk chair. It reminded Al of Mustang's office chair and being reminded of the General made him clench his hand around the phone handset tightly.

The receptionist asked who he was calling to speak to,

"Edward Elric." He said distractedly as he considered how even in his current less than fit state, without Roy Mustang's alchemy he'd still be able to beat the man to a pulp. He smirked just slightly, making sure he wasn't facing Elizabeth when he did so.

The woman on the line asked him to hold, he knew they'd send a message up to the apartment so he sighed and leaned against the large desk to wait. He wondered if Edward would yell at him for being inconsiderate…or for not being home…or just in general to vent after what had happened the night before.

He blinked slowly as he listened to the dull hum of the open line, Alphonse knew it was pathetic but either way, he was looking forward to hearing Edward's voice. He'd been doing well not to think about their incident on the kitchen table but that morning he'd blushed –despite being hurried- when he'd walked into the kitchen to get some water. He also hadn't missed the two mismatched plastic bowls laid out on the floor, one contained half eaten on cat kibble –some of it littered the floor around the bowl- and the other had some water in it.

He'd felt irresponsible when he'd seen that, having completely forgotten that his cat would need food and he'd closed CookieBoots out of the bedroom thoughtlessly,

'I should thank him for feeding Mr. CookieBoots, it's not like it's his responsibility. He lets me have a pet, I shouldn't neglect to take care of it…' he sighed and folded his arm across his chest, still waiting.

He frowned, distracting himself with bland thoughts of just how much trouble it would be to get a personal line installed in their apartment, but he knew it wouldn't be a good idea. Permanent phone lines were best installed in permanent residences,

'Maybe someday when we own a house…' the thought was so automatic it was sad.

Alphonse pursed his lips, vaguely aware of Elizabeth humming a tune behind him, as he thought about the fact that ultimately he and Edward would end up living apart. They'd have separate houses…and maybe wives and children. But even though the realistic outcome occurred to him, he honestly couldn't picture it, he couldn't imagine Edward living a domesticated life with kids and a wife.

He should have been able to though, because Edward was living a domesticated life with him and a cat and it was organized and mundane and ordinary, everything Ed hated, but he did it because he loved Alphonse, so maybe if Ed loved someone else he would do it for them too in future. Alphonse still didn't know how Edward felt about having children, whether he'd ever wanted any, Al himself was still avoiding giving his own feelings on the subject too much thought.

Because…he didn't want to accept the cold hard fact that he and Edward could never be…a normal couple.

No matter what, no matter how long they would stay together, no matter how much they loved each other, no matter how much they sacrificed or compromised for one another…

no matter what. They would never be able to live in the real world as a couple.

'We could never have kids because we can't adopt, a gay couple can, but we wouldn't be able to because our relationship is illegal. We could never be publically open, we could never get married and in the long run people would ask us questions and get suspicious the longer we lived together. The longer we stayed without partners or lover, the harder it'd be to hide.' The medication was doing a good job staving off the worst of his anxiety, but his increasingly depressing thoughts were effective enough to make his stomach feel cold.

Now when he really thought about it…how would he ever be with Edward? It'd always be too complicated, it'd always be illegal…it'd always be wrong and disgust people. He was naïve, he'd been naïve all along and yet still, Alphonse referred to their relationship as though they were still together, he thought about Ed with the same hopefulness in his heart that they could work it out somehow…and just be together.

'Because I love him…I love him so mu-…"

-"Al? Are you okay?" Edward's quiet but noticeably concerned voice made him blink and the deepening frown slipped from face as he tried to imagine the expression his older brother had right then.

He swallowed quietly, glancing over his shoulder to see what Elizabeth was doing –she was braiding her hair and Al's stomach felt even colder,

"Yes, I'm fine." Al said and he stopped himself from sighing as his frown returned.

Seeing her braid her hair reminded him of Edward's long silken hair…again he clutched the handset tightly.

-"O-okay," Edward sounded uncertain but still worried, "that's good…uh…" he sighed slightly and Al lowered his gaze to the floor, "uh, are you out, you'll be home later?"

It was a simple question but the way Edward worded it made it sound as though he were hoping Al would confirm that he was in fact coming home. He wanted to say 'yes' almost automatically but at the same time, he remembered what had happened the night before, he remembered crying until he was so exhausted and his throat had hurt…he remembered how good Ed smelled, tasted, sounded and felt and he just knew that if he went home, there was a good chance things might go the way they had in the kitchen.

It would get more confusing and complicated.

Because Al wasn't coping quite as well as he'd hoped he would with their break up.

"Uh, no Edward…I won't be home later." He said quietly and glanced at Elizabeth behind him, she just smiled reassuringly, "I'm at Elizabeth's, I'll be staying over here tonight…" that didn't sound as innocent as it was so he added, "…in the uh, guestroom."

He had been expecting the silence on the other end of the line, he knew Edward was processing what he'd just said and probably taking it apart.

'He's gonna think I'm here to be with Elizabeth, he already suspected I like her that way and he's been talking about her to me like she's a potential girlfriend…' he frowned and clenched his jaw, '…for all I know he'll be happy to hear that I'm with her, maybe it's what he wants.' The thought was disheartening.

The idea that Edward would be happy if he was with someone else hurt him deeply.

His throat tensed slightly, he felt a bit like he might cry and Edward wasn't saying anything,

"Ed, are you there?" he asked quietly and gripped his upper arm tightly.

After a short beat of silence,

-"Yeah, yeah okay Al…" Edward said shortly, sounding annoyed, Alphonse didn't know how to take that response.

He didn't know if Edward was annoyed by the news of him staying at Elizabeth's or because he hadn't called and had made Ed worry about him,

"Uh…alright," he frowned sadly, "I'll see you in the morning when I come home to change clothes before uni." He pushed himself off the table where he was leaning and unfolded his arm, clenching his fist slightly.

-"Yeah, sure Al, whatever." Edward sounded dismissive and it made Alphonse's heart ache, of all the physical pain he'd been experiencing lately, this one was different. To Al it sort of sounded like Edward was rushing the conversation along, now that he knew Al was okay, he sounded like the details of 'why' the younger blonde was at Elizabeth's didn't bother him.

He swallowed sorely and tried not to fidget as he had to bite back the many things he wanted to say to Edward, some of the main ones being 'are you mad at me?', 'do you like Mustang?' and 'I miss you'. But he couldn't say any of that, not only because Elizabeth was in the room but also because he had no right to ask Edward about Roy and to tell Ed he missed him after a few hours just seemed so pitiful.

'We're not together anymore, I can't…' he slipped his shaking hand into his pocket quickly,

"Ok…I guess that's all." He said quickly and softly, attempting to sound normal, realizing now his anxiety was probably quite extreme if it was showing through the Diazepam, "Good night Edward. See you tomorrow." 'I love you, I miss you…' he let out a quiet breath.

-"Night, Alphonse." Edward said abruptly and the next thing Alphonse heard was a sudden dial tone in his ear, Ed had hung up before he'd even thought to take the handset from his ear.

He quickly took the phone from his ear and inhaled a slow breath as he reached back, he glanced over his shoulder and spotted the phone on the desk before he put the handset on the hook and then he turned around again quickly facing away from Elizabeth. Alphonse glanced at his hands, they were both shaking and immediately he stuck his one hand back into his pocket and grabbed the small bottle of tablets.

He was just dropping a tablet into his palm when Elizabeth came up next to him –her hair was loose again- and held his wrist lightly, she was frowning at how badly he was shaking,

"Alphonse, you should probably get something to eat before you take that. You last ate at noon…" she informed him quietly.

Alphonse glanced at her, some distant part of his mind wondered just what she thought about him shaking so badly after just having a simple conversation with Edward, but the forefront of his thoughts made him pull his hand up from her light grasp and throw the pill into his mouth.

He dry swallowed with a grimace and watched as her expression took on one of sadness. But she didn't say anything and Alphonse didn't have anything to say either, he knew he was starting to look more and more like some kind of prescription addict but having been hung up on by Edward left a gaping emptiness in his chest that he could hardly describe.

He craved numbness…nothingness…to be without any feeling at all…he craved his armor body and he felt so horrible for indirectly craving death.

She just watched as he closed the bottle and re-pocketed the pills, Alphonse wanted to change the subject desperately and he stuffed his hands into his pockets to lessen the visibility of his shaking,

"I should say hi to your mother, she must think I'm really rude." He tried to say lightly but his voice was tense.

Elizabeth just shook her head,

"She's not here, she called a few hours earlier, she said she was going out and would only be home late. That usually means after midnight so it's just me, you and Erica." She sighed, "I told her you're here though, so it's fine."

Alphonse was sure he'd never heard so many sighs and seen so many frowns on Elizabeth's pretty face before.

He was feeling so shaken and cold, his anxiety creeping into his skin like uncomfortable pin pricks that he hoped she'd forgive him for seeking just a bit of comfort from her warmth,

"Elizabeth…" he said softly and when she looked up at him from the shiny tiled floor, Alphonse raised his arms and slid them around her small shoulders and he brought her towards him into a loose hug, "…thank you." He whispered as he leaned his cheek against her hair.

She smelled nice, like roses…and though her frame was smaller than his own she fit nicely in his arms.

She was a bit stiff at first but after he thanked her he felt her body relax and she leaned into him, her arms came up and encircled his torso and she squeezed him just slightly, bringing herself closer so that she was pressed against him and her nose rested against the front of his shoulder,

"You don't have to thank me, we're friends, this is what friends are for you know." She said slightly muffled and he could feel her lukewarm hands pressed flat against his mid back.

She was nowhere near as warm as Edward, but it was still warmth where he was cold and it comforted him.

"You're shivering…" she whispered and he knew he was, "…I have your jacket if you want it." She suggested. He closed his eyes for a moment as he held her,

"It's the anxiety, I'm not cold…" it was the truth, he wasn't cold in temperature, he was cold inside. Empty.

His words seemed to distress her, she sighed heavily against his shoulder and squeezed him tighter, tight enough that their closeness put too much pressure on his bruise and he grimaced and flinched backwards slightly. She quickly pulled back, a little wide eyed and glanced from his face to his mid-section,

"Oh crap, sorry Alphonse. I completely forgot about your stomach…" she eased back, giving him his personal space back, she looked less sad and he felt just a bit less empty.

"I did too to be honest." He mumbled and ran a hand through his hair as he glanced at her, "I'll bet I look a mess huh?" he tried to smile. She did smile, even if it was small,

"Not really, besides, that sex hair always looks good on you." She said with a teasing wink and Alphonse's smile grew to be more genuine as he blushed slightly.

She gestured for him to follow as she walked toward the door and he shook his head as he did so,

"It's not sex hair, its bed hair."

"Yes and sex happens in a bed –oh…" she started to say and then turned around to walk backwards out of the room as she looked at him, "…Alphonse, you naughty boy, where have you been having sex?" she grinned and narrowed her eyes at him.

She had no idea just how much her words affected him due to recent –kitchen table- related sex events and he turned a bright shade of red in an instant. She probably would have asked why he blushed so furiously if it hadn't been for Erica standing just outside the door with raised eyebrows at hearing their topic of conversation, but for this reason Elizabeth blushed brightly as well and they both look at the older woman awkwardly.

He cleared his throat quietly and willed his face to cool down and Elizabeth –while blushing- hadn't been able to stop smiling,

"Alphonse was just making a call to his brother…and now…" she reached out and grabbed Al's wrist, "…we're going to uh…" she started tugging him around Erica and he went along without hesitation, "…um, to get him some ice."

Alphonse had to smile as well at how awkward the entire situation felt, he had never had uncomfortable teenage mischief moments and he found he appreciated it, even if he wasn't a teenager and had never really been.

Once they were out of sight and back in the lounge Elizabeth erupted in a fit of giggles and Alphonse just smiled and glanced back down the hall,

"She must be wondering what I need ice for." Alphonse said logically.

"Maybe she thinks it's some weird sex kink." Elizabeth snickered perversely.

"She doesn't think like you." He mumbled as they made their way into the kitchen.

"Well that's true, Erica does seem sort of frigid." She said it like it was a secret but her whisper wasn't near soft enough and Alphonse shot her a reproachful look,
"Elizabeth, that is incredibly rude…not to mention presumptuous and insulting." He whispered as he glanced back through the kitchen doorway out of paranoia that Erica had heard.

Elizabeth giggled as she noisily pulled ice trays from the back of a freezer,

"Relax Al, you're such a goody-goody." She stuck her tongue out at him and bumped the freezer closed with her shoulder. He narrowed his eyes slightly and shook his head but didn't say anything, over the years he'd been told in many variations that he was basically just too nice and polite, he hardly bothered to insist otherwise or explain that having manners was not a bad thing. It was wasted breath.

He watched as Elizabeth pulled a hasty cold compress together, obviously something learned in basic med classes, and then when she was done she walked by him and gestured back to the kitchen doorway.

After another walk back through the large penthouse they ended up in the guest bedroom,

"Okay, lie down and let's put this on you." She said as she climbed onto the bed on her knees and waddled along until she was somewhat in the center, she was still in her clothes from that morning minus her shoes.

Alphonse didn't protest, the medication was once again taking effect and he felt wonderfully relaxed, so he went over to the bed and sat down before laying back with his head on a pillow,

"Alright." He said with a tired sigh as he relaxed very easily into the mattress and he pulled his shirt up as far as his chest. Usually he'd never have been quite so okay with doing such a thing, but he felt sort of weightless and uninterested right then.

It got very quiet for a moment and when Al glanced at Elizabeth he saw that despite a faint blush she was frowning and looking at his stomach, at his bruise. He picked his head up slightly, glancing down at his stomach before he placed his head back down,

"I know it looks bad…" he sighed and feeling extremely sleepy he closed his eyes.

"It looks worse than bad and…it looks like it hurts." She said quietly and placed the compress to his skin.

He flinched slightly, forgetting for a second that being numb to emotional feeling wasn't the same as physical,

"Sorry, I should have warned you." She apologized quickly and then gingerly adjusted the compress.

"It's okay…just cold." He tried to smile but was distracted by the cold molding to his sore skin.

For a minute there was silence as she half kneeled and half leaned on her arm beside him where he laid, her other hand was idly shifting the compress over his bruised stomach area. His eyes remained closed but he wasn't asleep, as relaxed as he was and feeling rather good, Edward slipped into his mind quite easily.

Pleasant thoughts of smiles and laughter, happiness and simpler times at first and then slowly it shifted to an unlit bedroom with heavy breathing, smiles of a different kind and the feeling of Ed's hands and the memory of his taste and touch. Alphonse shivered and frowned, knowing full well he should not be thinking about sex with Edward in general, let alone with Elizabeth right next to him.

He already started warming up but thankfully his entire body seemed sluggish to respond, which saved him any physical reaction to his dubious thoughts,

"Are you cold?" Elizabeth asked very quietly and without asking she removed the compress and pulled his shirt down gently, "Or are you asleep?" she had a light humor in her tone and Alphonse managed a sleepy smile,

"I'm not sleeping." He exhaled drowsily.

She laughed quietly,

"You don't trust me with your prone body, do you?" she asked sounding sad but he knew she was teasing so he opened his eyes to look at her, deciding to be honest,

"I do actually." He admitted solemnly, she had no idea how much he valued his body and what it meant to trust someone besides Edward with his vulnerability, especially in his current state.

She blinked once and then again, looking a bit surprised by his serious tone of voice but then she smiled and tilted her head so her hair all fell to one side, like a shiny black curtain slipping over her shoulder,

"I'm glad to hear that, sometimes I think I make you uncomfortable." She laughed again but it didn't have the same humor, not in her tone or eyes.

Alphonse kept his sleepy gaze on Elizabeth but he was more aware of her now, her words made him feel bad, he knew he probably hurt her sometimes with how nervous he acted around her,

"You don't…" he started but she wasn't looking at him so he raised his hand and patted her lightly on her knee, when she looked at him he frowned slightly, "…you don't make me uncomfortable." He said in a firm but quiet tone.

'You just make me feel guilty…'

She glanced down for a second and then looked back to his face,

"Except when I flirt with you, right?" she sounded just a tad more serious now.

It was Alphonse's turn to avert his gaze, he took in a slow breath and brought his hand up to run it through his hair, but the gesture was so lazy that his hand settled on his forehead instead,

"Not uncomfortable…" he settled his sleepy gaze back on her, "…it's just, well, we're friends so I…" he slowly moved his hand up into his hair, it felt damp but he knew it was just cold.

Elizabeth smiled sadly,

"You just don't like me like that…" she shifted slightly, scratching her manicured dark painted nails over her pale lips with her free hand. Alphonse's frown deepened,

"That's not true, I like you…" he said quietly, although whether he was admitting to liking her as a friend or as a woman, he wasn't really sure, his head felt heavy and his mind was a little foggy.

She frowned as well just slightly,

"Sure but, as…as a friend…or…?" she wasn't going to finish the question, her eyes were clear and questioning enough for him to know what she was asking. He swallowed slowly and blinked tiredly,

"I…" he felt like he knew the answer but in his subconscious lay the burden of guilt he bore for what he'd done to Edward and the fact that he needed to move on, "…I honestly…" but he still had no idea what he was supposed to do, "…I don't know, I don't…"

The atmosphere became uncertain between them but despite the quiet being noticeable, the air was warm enough and the softness of the mattress beneath Alphonse removed the feeling of emptiness from his insides for the moment, he felt relaxed and calm as he stared up through half lidded eyes at Elizabeth.

When she shifted from leaning on her hand to her elbow, sliding downward slowly toward him, Alphonse should have suspected what she was going to do. But he felt sluggish and it wasn't until she'd leaned down far enough so that their faces were inches apart that he realized what was happening.

He also didn't expect the tingles over his skin that followed the touch of Elizabeth's –so very soft- lips to his own.

The tingles were fleeting, they'd been caused by surprise and unexpected sensation, nothing more. But her lips remained lightly pressed to his own and Alphonse's already half closed eyes drifted shut…and he puckered his lips slowly against hers. When he responded she reacted by pressing a little firmer into the kiss, molding their lips together and Alphonse felt her exhale just as he inhaled.

With her so close to him he could smell her just as he had when he'd hugged her, her scent was pleasant and in his lethargic state, comforting. When she pulled back slightly and then kissed him again, her actions were surer and her kiss steadier, Alphonse responded accordingly. They shared a few slow lip to lip kisses and Alphonse was surprised because it'd been him to seek a deeper kiss from her…and she obliged.

Slowly he kissed her, easing into a deeper kiss as she parted her lips, letting him take control in a way he wasn't really used to. It didn't last long, a few seconds at most was all he needed to taste her –not even thoroughly- but enough for his mind to tell him that Edward tasted different…

…and Edward was his preference.

Just as slowly, so calmly, Alphonse moved his hand from his hair to her face, his fingers tangling in her smooth long hair, he cupped her cheek before he gently eased her head back so their lips parted with a soft wet sound.

Despite his preference being Edward, he'd never shared such a kiss with his brother. They'd kissed with many emotions, but never before with so much sensual curiosity. The same way he'd been curious to taste her she'd seemed the same, there was no hurried breathing between them or hastiness and Alphonse opened his eyes before hers by only a moment and they looked at each other seriously.

Her pale lips were a pretty pink to match her cheeks and her dark hair was falling around her face in silky wisps, Alphonse felt like he should probably be blushing too, maybe feel at least a little aroused by having kissed her, but he was pleasantly numb over all so instead, when she smiled a small smile at him, he returned it and didn't let all the rest worry him.

She leaned back up slowly on her elbow beside him, they were practically lying together and under less medicated circumstances that would have bothered Alphonse being the gentleman that he was. He listened to her breathing and he closed his eyes again, subconsciously he was aware that having kissed Elizabeth was a big deal, it was something that was going to affect their friendship, it was going to make things more confusing…but he simply couldn't bring himself out of the lightweight haze in his mind long enough to care right then.

He wasn't even sure how much time passed as he lay there in comfortable silence, he licked his lips a few times and tasted remnants of Elizabeth's lipstick and the bland aftertaste of kissing someone and exchanging saliva. That should have bothered him too, but it didn't. His thoughts drifted from Elizabeth's frigid housekeeper, to a few hard to pronounce medical terms that annoyed him, to the smell of Edward's cologne…the sharp lines of his straight white teeth when he grinned…to the perfect balance of human ingredients, the array to transmute a body and finally to the numbness in his fingertips.

Alphonse was on the verge of sleep when Elizabeth's soft voice brought him back,

"Can I ask you something personal?"

"Hm." He almost smiled when he realized how much he sounded like Edward when he was distracted.

"That bruise, you said it was an accident?"

"Hm hm." He nodded very slightly, barely moving his head as he placed his hands on his stomach below the injured area, wiggling his fingers absently to disperse the numbness.

"Was it really an accident?" her voice sounded a little tighter now and Alphonse frowned and forced his eyes open, his eyelids felt heavy but after a few blinks he managed to keep them open, he looked at her,

"What do you mean, was it really an accident?" his voice was deeper than usual, laced with lethargy.

She looked a bit unsure and shifted so she was laying on her stomach next to him, leaning on both elbows and fiddling with the pillow case as she spoke,

"You said you and your brother were doing physical training and you got hurt by accident…but I just don't understand how you get hurt like that from training." She shook her head.

Alphonse's mind didn't comprehend as fast as usual so at first he didn't get what she was implying,

"Sparring…" he corrected and she looked at him with a confused frown, "…when I said training, I meant sparring as in fighting." He swallowed and blinked tiredly again, "Well, pseudo-fighting actually, anyway, I didn't block fast enough and this happened." He patted his stomach lightly below the contusion; his voice was a little steadier and not so much of a mumble as he came around.

"Oh…" she blinked as if she didn't understand but Alphonse didn't feel like explaining further, "…so then, your brother didn't…uh, he didn't-" she brushed some hair out of her face, "-he didn't assault you?" she asked uncertainly.

Alphonse felt something very much like offense and anger grip him but it faded quickly because of the medication and instead he laughed a little loudly and looked at her like she was crazy,

"Assault? As in, did my brother hit me intentionally?" he didn't wait for an answer, he just laughed a bit more and shook his head before he spoke again, his tone inflecting more adoration than he could have helped in his state, "Edward would never try to hurt me, my brother would die before he ever laid a harmful hand on me…Edward loves me." he sighed and closed his eyes again, "Don't be silly, Elizabeth." He finished flatly and closed his eyes again.

She didn't say anything for a while but Alphonse's slow comprehension worked its way through the fog and he opened his eyes again to look at her questioningly, she was staring at her hands distantly,

"Why would you think that?" he asked quietly.

She seemed surprised when he spoke, her black lashes fluttered a few times before she spoke,

"Well, because…" she clenched her dainty fists, "…because when you spoke to him on the phone, you were shaking Alphonse. It seemed like maybe you were afraid or something…" he raised an eyebrow, "…and this accident happened the morning after I was there, I just thought maybe you and him had a fight about me showing up there uninvited an-…"

"Is that…" he started to say and then finally coming around to the conversation fully he pushed himself up, leaning on his elbows while lying on his back, "…is that what you think this is about?" he asked seriously.

She frowned and hung her head before pushing herself up and shifting to sit properly next to him,

"I didn't know for sure, I was just worried…" she mumbled and placed her face in her hands, her hair fell forward to cover her entire side profile.

Alphonse took in a deep breath before he sat up fully and rubbed his eyes,

"It's got nothing to do with you," he drew his leg up and leaned one arm on it as he looked at her sitting beside him, "I promise. Edward and I…we had a disagreement about something and we're trying to work it out, that's all, okay?" He explained quietly.

She nodded, he only knew because her hair swayed slightly and then she raised her head again and turned to look at him, she looked tired as well,

"You're really close to him, aren't you?" she tried to smile.

Alphonse wondered if he should be feeling worried by the seriousness of her question but the worry never came to fruition, so he answered honestly,

"Very." He said in a quiet but sure tone, "It's been just the two of us since we were only little children, we've been through more than most people can understand." he averted his gaze to the mattress and clenched his fist, 'No one knows what we went through emotionally, yet all of them will be the ones to judge us if they ever find out what's happened between us.' It made him sad to think about.

It didn't matter that it shouldn't have happened, what mattered was that it happened because of their feelings, emotional obligations and extenuating circumstances. Even if it wasn't quite so cut and dried, Alphonse really wished it were. He wished everyone would leave them alone…

When he looked back to her he was surprised to see her smiling,

"What?" he blinked.

"I just think it's great. I don't know what it's like to be that close to anyone…so close that just having a disagreement takes such a toll on you, I doubt I ever will." She sounded sincere enough but he listened for any sarcasm, there didn't seem to be any.

Hearing her say it made him uncomfortable, wondering if it could be considered suspicious that he was so emotionally torn up over a disagreement with his brother. They were adults, they were men…didn't couples have fights like this…not brothers?

He decided to ask her opinion, trying to sound amused as he did so,

"You don't think it's weird?" it was a straightforward question asked with a fake smile.

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows lazily,

"Weird?"

He swallowed nervously and didn't look at her,

"We've been told we're too close…" he remembered Pinako telling them that once when they were much, much younger and spent all of their time together, "…you know, unhealthily so." He glanced at her to gauge her reaction.

Elizabeth smiled again and then she shook her head,

"It's probably just because you're men, if you were sisters no one would care at all." She said it so matter-of-factly Alphonse couldn't help smile, "I've read a few stories about the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother, being a part of the military at your ages, being in the sort of constant danger that comes with that alone sounds like more than most adult men can handle. I don't know much about you and brother as kids or what you went through Alphonse…" her hand shifted to settle over his on the mattress between them, "…but I do know that life must be just a little easier knowing you have someone that you can rely on for anything, family or otherwise, it's pretty rare, so I think you and your brother are lucky to have each other." Her fingers curled around his hand.

Alphonse blinked slowly and turned his eyes back to her before he curled his own fingers into hers and held her hand but he didn't say anything, her words were as sincere as they could be and her smile was completely genuine, he didn't need to say anything. She'd never know the full story but she wasn't judging them and that counted for something.

"You should know though…" her tone was much lighter all of a sudden, laced with her usual teasing humor, "…whatever girl you decide to marry will need to know that she has to share you with him," she had no idea how that sounded to Alphonse, "or you're going to end up with a lot of heartbroken ex's following fights for your attention." she giggled.

Her words intrigued him,

"What do you mean?"

Elizabeth's green eyes became as serious as he'd ever seen them despite her smile,

"It's obvious that your brother is your first priority, so the women in your life will never really be number one…and they'll just have to accept that." at this point she squeezed his hand again, "I've never seen you as upset as I did this morning, I hope whatever disagreement you're having can be worked out Alphonse, seeing you like that was really upsetting."

He didn't really know when the conversation had gotten to be so serious but he did know one thing, after hearing her say that any women in his life would have to accept they'd never come first, he'd been reminded of one person. Winry.

There was something about the resignation of her tone of voice that reminded him of his longtime friend, a friend he no longer thought of often or really wanted around, a friend who had always spoken in that tone when concerning Edward… every time they went away and left her waiting. He hadn't understood that tone until she'd stood in his bedroom so many months ago and asked him if Edward was seeing someone else. She'd looked a little hurt, a little betrayed…but so resigned, as though the idea of Edward not choosing her didn't surprise her that much. Alphonse had felt smug then because he realized that Winry had gotten used to coming second in his life.

But now Elizabeth's tone of voice held the same sad acceptance and the subtle squeeze of his hand at that exact moment…it was like she was trying to tell him that she understood and accepted it. And whether she knew or not, the months they'd been friends were the same as it had been for Winry over the years.

He and Elizabeth were labeled friends, just as Edward and Winry had always been and Elizabeth liked Al romantically, just as Winry always had liked Ed. And now…Elizabeth was waiting, hoping and biding her time as his friend while his life centered around his brother, just as Edward's life had been centered around him while Winry waited.

Alphonse blinked his gold-green eyes a few times,

'Elizabeth…is my Winry.' It seemed like a conceited thought but he didn't think he was wrong, 'I don't deserve a person that dedicated to me, just like I don't deserve Edward.'

"Anyway…" Elizabeth said with a sigh, more than a minute of silence had lapsed and Alphonse realized he probably should have said something to her heartfelt words, "…I'm sure you're tired, oh, and you probably want to have a bath or shower?" she removed her hand and started to get off the bed.

He shook his head,

"No thanks, I'm too tired right now and besides, I have no change of clothes." He managed a smile, "You look tired too, I've stressed you out enough for today, you should get some sleep."

She looked like she might argue but then she shrugged and walked to the partially closed bedroom door,

"You'll feel better in the morning and I think you should take tomorrow off as well…doctor's orders." she gave him a stern look and leaned against the door. Alphonse smiled,

"Yes ma'am." he raised an eyebrow and made a show of tipping a nonexistent hat.

Elizabeth just grinned and then her smile turned affectionate,

"Sleep well, Alphonse. Breakfast is at -…"

"8.30, I remember." His smile eased up a little, becoming more thoughtful as he regarded the look she was giving him. She nodded,

"Night." She turned and stepped out,

"Good night, Elizabeth." He watched her as she switched the main light off and pulled the door on until it closed behind her.

The moment the door clicked quietly shut and he was alone in the dark…the look she'd had on her face burned brightly in his mind and it finally sunk in. He'd kissed her.

'I kissed her, I kissed her…why did I…?' he blinked several times and pressed his face into his hands, feeling how clammy his skin was from his constant cold sweats.

At the time when he'd kissed her it'd barely registered that he was doing it, but it had been short and real, it had been a proper kiss, and if he licked his lips he could still taste the lipstick traces. It was surreal in a way, it'd happened only ten minutes before and yet he felt like he was remembering something from so long ago.

"Fucking pills." He rubbed his hands over his face vigorously.

He hated that he'd been so dismally relaxed that he hadn't even seen that kiss coming and worse, he'd returned it and now, what would happen now? She was looking at him differently, even if it was only slightly, and she was saying such understanding things and holding his hand so comfortably.

One kiss…one kiss had just set something in motion.

He knew full well that one kiss could change everything between two people, he hated to remember the first time he'd gotten Edward to kiss him, which had ended so grievously –he now thought of it that way- and from there Ed had steadily deteriorated into a state of submissive misery.

Alphonse eased himself back into a horizontal position, rolling to lie on his side and burying his face into the pillow, trying to push the old memory of Edward violently throwing up in the toilet minutes after their first kiss from his mind.

'Don't think about it, it's in the past…it's not like that now…' he told himself as he breathed heavily into the pillow, he hated that even with the medication in his system he could still work himself up. He swallowed thickly –tasting Elizabeth- he grimaced and proceeded to grapple and shift around on the bed in frustration until he had the covers over himself.

He shoved his head into the pillows a few times and tensed his body as his frustration worked itself out; he was angry yet too tired to express it. He sniffed after a moment and settled on his back, staring at the ceiling with a slight wetness in his eyes. A part of him felt like after all of his talk of loyalty to Elizabeth, he'd just cheated on Edward.

But the right part, the smart, logical, guilty part was telling him over and over again that he was not with Edward anymore. Even though they'd kissed and touched and wanted just the day before. He knew he had no right to be with his older brother. Even though it always felt so right and he yearned for him.

Alphonse sighed heavily and shifted around again, feeling exhausted and just wanting to sleep, he tried to clear his mind. He'd kissed her, he knew it was a bad thing, or at least he thought it was, but there was nothing he could do to change it now.

'I don't need to feel guilty, Edward and I are not together.' He rolled onto his side again and frowned into the pillow while shifting his legs restlessly.

He lay for a while keeping his eyes shut forcefully, trying to will himself to give into exhaustion but his mind turned to thoughts of his phone call to Edward earlier that evening,

'He'd sounded so rushed, liken he'd needed to do something. Maybe he was going out again…maybe…with Mustang again?' he gritted his teeth and sniffed again, his eyes were still only slightly damp.

When he thought of what Elizabeth had said, when he thought of Edward going out the night before with Mustang while the older man flirted and knowing they had probably been drinking, he couldn't help but wonder…

…if maybe they'd kissed.

'Like I kissed Elizabeth.' He hated that he'd never know but really, he wasn't sure he wanted to. It'd hurt before when he'd known Edward had been doing something with Winry in that bedroom and he still didn't know what that had been. He didn't want to know how he'd feel if Ed had done anything with Mustang, he'd thought Winry was the biggest threat to his relationship with Edward but somehow Mustang was just as threatening.

"Damn it, we're not together anymore…" he told himself angrily and muffled into the pillow and squeezed his damp eyes shut tightly as he thought of how Edward had kissed him, of how his older brother had so intimately and sensually touched him and talked to him the previous evening.

He shivered when he remembered Edward's fingers trailing up along his thighs as his underwear had been slipped on. Even in his medicated and relaxed state, Alphonse couldn't help the few tears that finally slipped from his eyes…

…because even though he and Edward were not together, it still felt like they should be.


The following morning brought with it waves of anxiety and embarrassment.

Alphonse shoved the door to the apartment building open, leaving the pouring rain behind him as he walked quickly through the lobby. He hadn't gotten too wet since he'd taken a cab but from the vehicle to the building entrance in the downpour had been just enough time to soak his hair, the shoulders of his shirt and his books.

He was having a fucking awful morning and the rain just seemed like the cherry on top. He'd been woken that morning by knocking on the door of the guestroom and then the sound of Elizabeth's voice asking if he was okay. Alphonse had panicked when he realized it had been after 9!

He'd pulled his shoes on and tried to tidy the bedroom and then his –god awful- appearance up as much as he could before he wobbled out of the room. While Elizabeth and her mother just looked worried, Alphonse couldn't count how many times he'd apologized while ignoring the looks. He'd been grateful to Elizabeth for lying and saying he'd taken a sleeping pill and then he'd felt guilty for quickly checking his pocket to make sure he still had the magic bottle of tablets.

Her mother hadn't seemed to mind his appearance despite his embarrassment and profuse apologies, she'd just insisted he eat something, saying he looked like death and then after he'd forced some breakfast into his nauseous and hurting insides, Elizabeth had insisted he take a shower.

The two women had seemed intent on fussing but Alphonse didn't let himself get caught up in their concern. Every part of his -no longer medicated- mind was screaming at him to go home to Edward.

He'd known he looked like utter shit but he'd declined and said he had to get home, so he'd slipped into the bathroom to wash his face and rinse his mouth out –it was so dry- before he apologized a few more times to Elizabeth and her mother, declined a lift home, and evacuated the building as fast as his weak legs had been able to carry him.

In the cab he'd managed to –luckily- find parked off around the corner, he'd taken his first pill for the morning and waited with very little patience for his aching stomach to ease up and shortly after that the light drizzle had turned to fat rain drops, pelting the cab and the streets furiously. Since waking to worn off meds, he'd been feeling nauseous and as the previous day and night's events had resurfaced it'd steadily gotten worse.

Too much stress.

It wasn't going away and medication, Alphonse knew, was not the answer.

As he forced his tired legs up the first flight of stairs Alphonse frowned to himself, he stopped to lean against the banister of the empty staircase with his free hand,

"I'm not…I'm not coping…." He mumbled to himself, sighing before he slowly continued up and around the corner to the next flight.

He finally reached the apartment door about two minutes later and he tried the handle, the fact that it was locked sent a shock of worry and confusion through him. He clutched his books tighter to himself as he stuffed his hands into his front pants pocket, then his back pocket.

He frowned and then swapped the books to his opposite arm and searched his left pockets, he felt the tablet bottle in the front pocket and his wallet in the back…but no keys.

"The fuck…" he frowned irritably and uselessly searched his pockets again before he groaned and leaned his head against the door. He'd been so caught up since yesterday in making sure he had his pills everything else in his pockets hadn't seemed so important. He supposed he should count himself lucky that he still had his wallet.

He swallowed thickly and grimaced at the stale taste of his mouth before he raised his hand, forehead still pressed to the door, and he rapped his knuckles against the wood four times loudly,

"Please be home…" he whispered to himself, "…I'm so tired, I need a shower, I need to brush my teeth, I want to lie down…please be home." He sighed and frowned, 'Please have come home last night, please, don't have gone out with Roy Mustang and not have come home.' He clenched his teeth and rapped on the door again a bit harder and more times.

He quickly opened his eyes and leaned back from the door when he heard the latch click and then the door was pulled open slowly…and Edward looked heavenly, so much so that despite the dulling the medication did to Al's feelings, his heart wrenched with affection almost painfully.

Edward had clearly just woken, his braided hair was coming undone and was a complete mess of soft blonde tangles and strands hanging over and around his face. He had crease lines over one of his cheeks, his eyes were squinted, his skin looked warm and probably the best part was that he was wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

"Alphonse?" his voice was slightly slurred, he licked his lips and stepped back pulling the door open with him as he backed out of the way unsteadily, "Why the fuck are you knocking?" Edward half grumbled and rubbed at his eyes.

Alphonse blinked out of his mesmerized daze and stepped inside, he was about to answer when his homecoming seemed to dawn on his older brother and Edward looked up suddenly from rubbing his eyes. He pushed the door closed with a quick hand and at the same time his eyes scanned over Alphonse,

"Are you okay, why were you knocking, what happened, Al?" his voice was full of concern in an instant and Alphonse felt his chest warm.

"I lost my keys…or I…left them at Elizabeth's." he looked away from Edward when he answered, mentioning Elizabeth to Edward after kissing her the night before unsettled him all over again.

He glanced back to Edward to see his older brother was looking him over a bit more critically; his expression of concern had turned to a thoughtful one,

"Oh, uh…" Ed blinked the last of his sleep from his eyes and raised his hands to push his unruly hair behind his ears, Alphonse loved how some of the strands curled and hooked over his ears stubbornly, "…did you uh, was it…did you have a good night?" Edward cleared his throat after he asked.

Alphonse watched Edward turn and walk toward the lounge entrance after he spoke,

"It was…" he licked his lips, feeling a few cracks starting, he couldn't tell Edward he'd gone there to try and pull himself together and get real drugs for his pain, "…yeah, it was okay. A-and you…what did you do last night?" he felt his throat tighten asking that question as he followed Edward and stopped in the doorway.

Edward walked over to his usual spot on the sofa and flopped down, propping his bare foot and automail up on the table crossing one over the other and stretching his arms up over his head. Alphonse just stared, tired and yearning for physical contact with Ed but not really feeling any urge to go over to the older blonde,

"…I ate, read and only went to bed about two hours ago." Ed sighed and leaned his head back, arms folded behind and eyes closed.

A familiar warmth travelled along Alphonse's thighs at the sight of Edward's lean half naked state stretched out and relaxed and before it could settle and concentrate between his legs he turned away,

"I'm gonna take a shower and lie down." He said dully, feeling vaguely miserable through his foggy mind.

He didn't look back at Edward, it'd be hard to look away again if he did, and as he started walking down the hall he heard Ed ask if he wanted something to eat,

"No thanks." He said audibly and walked into his bedroom. He glanced at his pet curled up on his bed as usual but he didn't have the energy to fuss over him, he just walked over to his desk and dropped his books and incomplete notes down untidily and then emptied his pockets on to his bedside table.

Alphonse couldn't wait to get out of his slept in clothes and wash the previous days sweat and sleep –and Elizabeth's smell and taste- from his body. He shook his head to clear the memory of the kiss from his head, still not entirely sure how he'd let it happen or why he'd kissed her when she'd initiated it.

That most definitely must have given her a mixed signal.

With a tired sniff Alphonse pulled his shirt off and walked back into the hallway, he made his way into the bathroom and pushed the door shut behind him. Alphonse stripped down and tossed all of his dirty clothes into the hamper before he stepped into the bathtub and pulled the curtain closed.

A minute later he was standing under a fast stream of burning hot water with his eyes closed and his shoulders slumped, he let the sound of the water running over his ears drown out all other sound and he blanked his mind so he wouldn't think of anything. He wasn't tired physically because he'd slept but he was tired emotionally and mentally, it was a strange feeling, to feel like lying down even though he wasn't tired.

He leaned his head back from the water when he heard the bathroom door open, his mind started racing for a second, images of Edward getting into the shower with him were the first thing that came to mind and he frowned as a shiver ran down his spine.

"Al?" he wiped the water off his face when he heard Ed's voice and then reached for the –peaches and cream- shampoo to distract himself from over thinking,

"Yeah?" he swallowed dryly and then licked the shower moisture from his lips as he watched the shampoo pool in his open palm from the bottle,

"I'm going back to bed, if you need anything just wake me up okay?" Edward sounded neutral, unperturbed.

Alphonse wondered if he'd stayed up because he hadn't been able to get to sleep but he didn't want to give himself so much credit, the older blonde hardly seemed bothered by his presence, so he figured his absence wouldn't have been much different.

"Yeah." He responded quieter that time and rubbed the shampoo into his hair as his eyes slid closed, and after a beat of quiet he heard the bathroom door close again.

Alphonse stayed in the shower under the hot spray long after he'd washed himself thoroughly and enjoyed being surrounded by the different scents of his bathing products, only when the water started to run lukewarm did he finally turn the taps off and heave a sigh…because he still felt cold on the inside.


He dragged his tongue over his clean teeth and savored the taste of mint as he swallowed and licked his chapped lips. Alphonse had just pulled a pair of black boxer briefs on and had for once left his towel lying on his bedroom floor where he'd dropped it, he honestly didn't care about his usual tidy habits.

He was…simply put…high and unhappy.

He ran a hand through his un-dried hair, it was still wet enough for him to squeeze moisture out of if he tried so without giving it much thought he clapped his hands together and raised them over his hair, making an annoyed face at the crackle and heat that traveled over his scalp before the water was evaporated and his hair was dried.

For a few seconds he stood at his wardrobes in nothing but his underwear and looked at the tiles, his bruised stomach, his bedroom door and then CookieBoots. The chill on the tiles reminded him that the weather wasn't great and it was kind of cold outside so he should probably put more clothes on or get under the blankets. The bruise on his stomach made him think of Elizabeth from the night before, playing nurse to him and kissing him, such a soft, searching kiss that hadn't felt right or wrong, it had just happened. The bedroom door wasn't closed and reminded him that Edward was outside of it, just down the hall, half naked, beautiful, warm and loving. And CookieBoots on the bed reminded him that he didn't want to sleep there…which took his thoughts back to Edward very quickly.

After a minute of internal confusion, mild debate and cold toes, Alphonse absently pushed his underwear drawer closed and then walked toward his bedroom door. He stepped out into the hall and looked at Edward's door, it wasn't closed all the way and he frowned at that, it was unlike Ed to leave it open because of the cat.

Deciding to use that as an excuse to go closer he padded down the quiet hall until he reached Edward's door, still frowning slightly he pushed the door open a bit more until he could see the bed, his eyes settled on his older brother's back half covered by his sheets while his bare shoulders were visible.

Now that he'd come that far he gave in to his original intention and slipped into the bedroom quietly, pushing the door almost closed, his cold feet made a light patting sound on the tiles, audible enough that Edward heard it and rolled over half way, leaning up on his elbows and frowning,

"Al?"

Alphonse reached the bed and hesitated at the side for a second before he brought one knee up onto the bed, Edward watched and blinked a few times and his frowned shifted to confusion instead of worry, Al brought his other leg up and crawled over his older brother to get to his usual side of the bed against the wall.

He knew if it weren't for the medication his anxiety –from fear of rejection- would have set him trembling like a leaf already but he felt calm enough as he kneeled beside Edward above the sheets and looked at him questioningly. Edward looked at him for a moment and then exhaled a little shakily before he moved over a bit and pulled back the sheets for Alphonse to get under.

The younger blonde did so quite quickly and with one short, desperate breath he shifted closer to Edward and slipped an arm around his older brother's waist before pressing his face into the his neck, exhaling slowly and then inhaling as well. The smell of Edward was unrivalled, it was as though the products he used on his skin were complimented by Ed's natural scent instead of the other way around.

Alphonse loved it, it gave him butterflies.

Edward was still lying on his back and leaning on his elbows,

"Alphonse…" he sounded weary, "…you said you were sure." Ed didn't beat around the bush, bringing up the incident in the kitchen very openly and Alphonse frowned and pressed closer so his entire body was making contact along Ed's side, legs brushing and skin touching wonderfully,

"I know…" he breathed against Edward's neck, resting all of his weight on his one arm as he nuzzled closer. He did know what he'd said, but he had no idea what he was doing or if he'd meant it, he was notcoping.

"Then what are you doing?" Edward asked in a tired, quiet whisper.

Alphonse couldn't answer that, he couldn't think of anything right then except the fact that Edward's skin was beneath his lips and that he'd kissed Elizabeth and that he felt like he'd cheated.

'Did you kiss Mustang, do you like Mustang?' he wanted to ask but he hadn't the guts to do it. He kept picturing them kissing and then him kissing Elizabeth would flash through his mind…he felt dirty and betrayed and it made no sense, but nothing really did anymore.

"Alphonse." Edward sounded a bit more insistent and a gentle hand touched Al's bare shoulder to push him back, the touch of warm fingers to his skin reminded him that both of them were so close to naked. He was starting to feel horny and his lips reacted to it, he kissed Edward's neck and shifted one of his legs to lie between Ed's.

"Alphonse?" Edward said again, his tone questioning but Alphonse didn't let him pull away, instead he pressed closer so he was almost on top of Edward. He started kissing his neck over and over again, wet and slow, moving higher until he reached Ed's ear and kissed it.

Edward shivered and his legs shifted, brushing their bare skin together pleasantly.

The hand on Al's shoulder gripped firmly and pushed him back just enough to give Edward room to look into his face, the older blonde was frowning, looking confused and a little upset. Alphonse knew he was tired of the back and forth,

'…but you made me go through it for months, aren't I allowed to be confused. To deny myself what I want one minute and then have it the next?' because a part of him still held on to the hopeful belief that Edward did want him in some way.

Although, he hadn't been aware that he harbored a grudge until right then.

With the thought that Ed could still want him burning a trail of arousal through him, Alphonse leaned forward and kissed Edward a few times on his lips. Ed didn't respond so much as accept the kisses and Ed's hand moved from Al's shoulder to his neck as the younger blonde pressed more kisses to his lips, trying to coax Edward to open his mouth as he shifted his hand upward from Edward's waist to firmly caress his abdomen and chest.

Edward didn't give in.

The older blonde's hand shifted to the front of Al's chest over his collar bone as Alphonse continued to kiss Edward. He knew what was coming next and before Ed could push him back he moved his hand again and quickly slipped it beneath the hem of Edward's boxers.

Edward tensed and Al's breathing increased rapidly, his arousal stirred double time,

"Al-phon-se-sto-op…" the older blonde said between Al's kisses and he snatched the wrist of Alphonse's fondling hand to stay it, his grip wasn't too tight but it was firm.

Alphonse almost whined, he had no anxiety pain, no abdominal pain, no headache, he felt relaxed for the first time in weeks and all he wanted was to enjoy Edward's closeness. He'd be breaking all of his rules and promises to himself and Edward like the weakling that he was but he knew Ed would forgive him…he always did.

The next kiss he pressed forward was much firmer and he kept his lips to Edward's, forcing the older blonde to relinquish the hold on his wrist to stop himself from going off balance and ending up with his shoulders to the mattress. Being medicated made his mind slow enough to focus on only one thing at a time and right then, it was focused on the satisfaction he knew only Ed could give him.

As it was Edward wasn't pushing him off, the older blonde's breathing had increased, his body was reacting positively and Alphonse knew he was just hesitant, his older brother had to have a breaking point, he was sure of it, he wanted to reach it, to push Edward past his inhibitions…

After several wet kisses to Ed's jaw and neck Alphonse tried his mouth again and when he gained entrance this time with a breathy exhale, he thought he'd gained control, but he was wrong.

He got caught up in Edward's kiss and then there were Ed's rough, so warm hands sliding down his naked sides, fingers skimming just below the waist of his underwear teasingly and he forgot about Ed's resistance completely…until he was on his back and his hands were pinned down to the sides of his shoulders firmly while Edward straddled his waist.

The kiss was ended abruptly and Edward was staring down at him with an untidy arrangement of hair dangling around his face and down to tickle Alphonse's face, Ed was slightly flush and he looked pissed off,

"Why the fuck are you doing this Alphonse?" he asked through clenched teeth, "Have you lost your fucking mind, I can't deal with this…do you not remember what you said to me? Huh?" his hands squeezed tighter on Al's wrists and the younger blonde grimaced.

He swallowed slowly as he looked up at his older brother's serious and angry face,

"I know what I said…" he said quietly before licking his lips. He felt vaguely angry himself, remembering how Edward used to run hot and cold all the time, it had been exhausting, he felt like the older blonde was getting a good taste of his own medicine.

"Then what the hell are you doing? You practically threw me out of the apartment the other night and then you didn't fucking come home last night…" Edward's face expressed many emotions but Alphonse singled out anger since it was –as usual with Ed- the most prevalent, "…what did you stay over there for last night anyway? We needed to talk about what happened, I was worried about you and you were just avoiding me Alphonse!" he half yelled, voice strained.

'So he's angry at me about something else, not just this…' Alphonse didn't speak, he just listened, letting his relaxed mind absorb Edward's words and what they revealed,

"And you called me so late, didn't you think I'd be worried, what the hell were you doing?"

To Alphonse Edward seemed angriest about the fact that he hadn't come home, the fact that he'd stayed over at Elizabeth's.

He clenched his jaw a few times and stared up at Edward defiantly.

"You lost your keys and you looked like shit when you walked in, like you didn't even sleep…did you?"

'He keeps asking and referring to what I was doing last night.' Alphonse knew he shouldn't just assume, but all the signs pointed to one thing; Edward was jealous.

Alphonse could hardly feel his fingertips but he made no move to try and get free, all he wanted to do was rile Edward up, get some sort of emotional response out of him that wasn't brought on because Al wanted it or needed it. Something real, something raw…which was what made him tell Edward,

"I kissed her, Edward…", he said quietly with a straight face, the grip on his wrists tightened and the reaction spurred him on, "…we were lying on the bed, just talking and then I kissed her," he made it sound less innocent than it had been as he watched Edward's angry expression falter, he looked just a bit shocked and Al drove it home,

"I liked the way she smelled, her skin and her hair, and when she kissed me back I could tell she really wanted me…" he paused and watched Edward pale, "…it was nice to be wanted, Edward." His throat hurt by this point for how tightly it was clenching.

His mind was still moving much slower than usual and all he felt right then was spite and so he acted on it.

He was tired of hurting by himself…he wanted to see Edward get upset, he wanted to see Edward get jealous over him.

His emotions were barreling to the surface quickly and forcefully the more he said hurtful things to draw a reaction from his older brother and the medication was having less effect in stopping it.

He couldn't feel his hands at all…he'd have bruises on his wrists when this –whatever it was- was finally over.

'Say it…tell me you want me, please?' Alphonse pleaded in his mind as he tried to twitch his ice cold fingers.

He hadn't known what to expect …but he didn't think it would be a sad smile,

"Did she satisfy you?" he certainly didn't expect that question, his mind went blank and he didn't answer, he just stared up at Edward who didn't look smug or angry, just sad. Al was numb with shock at the calm tone of voice it had been asked in, "Why are you in my bed if she satisfied you?" his golden eyes narrowed just slightly.

Alphonse was trying to figure out what to say next, Edward wasn't crying guilty and he wasn't venting his anger and Al had little experience with anything else from him lately, he didn't know what to expect next so he prodded this more serious side of Ed's emotions just a bit more,

"I came to you…" his voice rasped and his throat hurt, he was having some trouble breathing, "…like you came to me after…Winry."

It was a risky thing to say, Winry was a very sensitive subject usually and Alphonse braced himself for an angry reaction before anything else but Edward just laughed bitterly, again catching Al off guard and finally his hold on Alphonse's wrists lifted and the younger blonde's fingers twitched stiffly.

Edward pressed his hands into the pillows either side of Alphonse's head and leveled him a look that was almost condescending,

"I never ever pegged you for the vengeful type…little brother." Alphonse stopped breathing and Edward shook his head, "I thought you fucked Elizabeth," he mumbled, "but you were just trying to make methink you did." He laughed again, mirthlessly, he actually looked hurt.

Alphonse felt infuriated at having his feelings belittled with laughter, however empty it was.

Without any warning to even himself he raised a cold right fist up and stopped just short of punching Edward across the face, even if the angle wouldn't have made much of an impact, he'd wanted to hit the older blonde. His face felt hot and his hands were stinging with pins and needles and Edward didn't even flinch,

"Hit me if you want to Alphonse, I won't fight you." He said calmly and looked at Alphonse's hand.

"I want to hit you." He admitted shakily, he was starting to tremble with anger, the words little brother were still ringing in his ears with a painful sharpness.

He felt like he just couldn't win with Edward, every way he turned was a dead fucking end.

'I should just give up, I can't make him say something he doesn't feel, I have no idea what to do anymore.'

"It's okay…" Edward had the nerve to smile bitterly, "…I deserve it."

Alphonse shook his head, hating the words 'it's okay' with a venomous sickness,

"Get off me." he breathed out, feeling incredulous and hollow.

Edward didn't move, Alphonse was about to make an effort to get the older blonde off him when Ed spoke again,

"Did you really kiss her?" he reached for Al's clenching fist, eyes softening to reflect regret at the sight of the bruises forming. Alphonse pulled his hand away,

"Did you kiss Mustang?" he shot back and tried to sit up, effectively hurting his contusion as he clenched his abdomen muscles and he only just managed to lean up on one elbow and hide his grimace from Edward.

"W-what?" there was no rebuke in his tone, in fact to Alphonse, Edward sounded a little hesitant.

Suspicion crept up his spine, cold and clammy feeling and unpleasant enough to make him really angry,

"Get the fuck off me, Edward." He demanded.

"Why are you trying to run away from me?" Edward asked just as irritably.

Alphonse gawked up at him,

"Run away! I'm in your bed for fuck sakes!" Al was thinking about the pills on his bedside all of a sudden and craving the calm numbness they provided as his stress mounted and started to feel like someone was stabbing him in his stomach and chest.

It was slipping out of his control…getting out of hand…

"You came in here wanting sex, Alphonse!" Edward accused, his voice terse.

"Can you blame me for being horny!? You're so fucking selfish when it comes to sex, Edward!" he accused right back, not able to shut himself up.

…not wanting to.

"What the he-…!?"

"Don't look so surprised!" Alphonse lost it, cutting Edward off. He didn't care less right then that they were no longer even sleeping together and he was not going to censor himself, "You know I'm right, you most certainly did not give me sexually as much as I gave you! Sometimes I had to practically beg you," he narrowed his eyes, "It was selfish and sometimes it was boring!" he said through clenched teeth, feeling nastier and nastier and asking himself why the fuck he hadn't just cuddled up next to CookieBoots and never even left his own bedroom.

Why couldn't he stop himself….? Why was he feeling so resentful?

Edward's face was as white as a ghost, his expression unreadable,

"I…I…" he didn't know what to say. Alphonse finally found the strength to shove Edward backwards off of his waist and the un-expecting older blonde was so off balance he flailed backwards off the foot of the bed and landed with a skin slapping sound on the tiles.

Alphonse was seeing red by this point and his mouth was running away from his brain, all control flouted,

"You never wanted to fuck me anyway right, brother?" he said spitefully and kicked the sheets off his feet where they'd ended up in all the movement, "All the times you nailed me to the fucking mattress and got off inside me I was obviously forcing you to do it, right brother?" he was off the bed now and just like the day before when he'd gotten upset at the university he made his way to the nearest exit, needing distance, needing to be alone. "I'm so sorry I made you do all that," he spat, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "in fact," he yanked the door open and his voice cracked with emotion, "I'm so sorry I love you like I do, because it's only making us both fucking miserable." And with that he walked out and slammed the door behind him.

He walked down the hall -hyperventilating slowly but surely- until he reached his own bedroom and slammed his own door so hard it rattled on the hinges. His breathing was getting away from him, his throat closing and his face was wet. He wiped at his streaming tears absently and stumbled to his bed as he broke out in a chilling cold sweat; CookieBoots had probably been startled by the noise and was nowhere to be seen.

He collapsed onto his bed and cried into his pillow in uneven heaves and sobs, so bitterly it ached from the pit of his stomach and throughout every muscle. Alphonse begged and pleaded to be able to take every word back as he wet his pillow with tears and saliva but he knew he couldn't, he'd said it and now it was just another thing he'd spend every day regretting.

Resentment was an ugly thing. And him and Edward were drowning in it.

A half an hour later when Alphonse had curled in on himself and was trying not to cry out in pain at the stabbing feeling tearing through his insides, he heard the main door to the apartment close.


Edward had left and he didn't come home that night. He left his keys behind.


On Wednesday Alphonse stayed home because he vomited blood. Edward still didn't come home that night.


On Thursday Alphonse felt worried enough to see a doctor and was told he had developed a severe stress ulcer and that it was bleeding. He was given several medications and told strictly to finish the course of antibiotics and to relax.

Edward still hadn't come home by the time he returned to the apartment.

But Elizabeth showed up.


"Sorry I worried you again." He apologized in a monotone as he lay in bed with a hot water bottle rested on his contusion over his shirt. Elizabeth was sitting beside him on the bed sorting through his pills and getting all the evening ones out for his second dose since that afternoon,

"I'm just glad you're not upset that I came over." She said very quietly and sniffed, she'd been upset to hear what the doctor said, she'd even looked like she might cry for him.

Alphonse thought she was overreacting to an ulcer but he didn't tell her that, he'd barely said anything to her since he opened the door – hoping beyond all reason that it would have been Edward – and had found her standing there. At least she'd brought dinner; he hadn't felt like making food.

"Here you go." She held 6 tablets out to him and a glass of water she'd fetched. He shifted into a sitting position after moving the hot water bottle aside,

"You don't have to do this, I'm capable." He took the glass and tablets and swallowed them two at a time, he'd never been fond of tablets.

"If you want me to leave just say so…" She huffed sadly.

Alphonse swallowed the last tablets and slowly he shook his head and handed her the glass back,

"No, thank you Elizabeth, I don't want you to leave." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

"You look like you've lost a bit of weight." She gestured for him to lie down again and then placed the hot water bottle back on his stomach. Alphonse didn't look at her, he stared at the ceiling,

'Edward hasn't come home.' He repeated for the hundredth time to himself, feeling completely empty.

"You're worried about him?" she guessed correctly what he was thinking about.

Alphonse blinked slowly and was grateful he had no tears left to cry,

"Almost three days…" he said quietly, "…I haven't heard from him." he swallowed sorely.

He felt Elizabeth's hand find his own and she rubbed her palm over the top of his hand in a gesture he supposed was meant to be comforting,

"Isn't there someone he might have gone to, someone who might know where he is that you can call?" she enquired, trying to help but Alphonse just kept quiet, "Your brother had to go to work, so maybe you should call his boss?"

Alphonse pulled his hand away from her as gently as possible and adjusted the water bottle, he steadied his voice so he didn't sound as pissed off as he felt at the mention of Mustang,

"Edward had the week off." He explained and she nodded in understanding.

She sighed and brushed her hair behind her ears,

"There has to be someone who might know." She tried again, for what Alphonse didn't know, she didn't even know Edward, how much could she really care?

'She cares about me, she knows how close we are…or used to be…' thinking the last part made him as nauseous as the taste of vomit and blood had made him a day earlier.

He inhaled deeply and shook his head before he started mumbling to himself,

"He wouldn't go to Risembool, he and Winry aren't on good terms." 'That's my fault.' "He wouldn't go to his boss, or at least I don't think he would." 'I hope he wouldn't' his nausea got a little worse and he swallowed again, shifting restlessly on the bed, "He wouldn't go to Dublith, our teacher wouldn't take him in after a fight with me." he glanced at Elizabeth to see she was listening to him attentively.

So he continued mumbling,

"He wouldn't go to Mrs. Hughes because he'd feel too ba-…" he stopped short and Elizabeth frowned,

"What, did you think of something?" she shifted and crossed one leg over the other.

Alphonse sighed, feeling only slightly relieved,

"Gracia Hughes' birthday party is tomorrow evening," he smiled ever so slightly, "he'll be there, he wouldn't let her down. So at least I'll get to see him and be able to see that he's okay." Alphonse stared at the ceiling.

Elizabeth frowned,

"You aren't going to try and talk to him?"

'He won't talk to me, he won't even be able to look at me after the things I said to him. I know Edward too well, he left because he felt sick, I made him feel guiltier than he already did. I'm sodisgusting…' his skin crawled and he shook his head stiffly,

"If he never speaks to me again I wouldn't blame him." he said in a strained voice, nearly choking on a stuck breath. Elizabeth sighed yet again,

"I'm sure you guys will work it out, words are just words, and they're not going to draw blood or leave scars." She tried to be comforting.

But the mention of scars only brought to mind the picture of Edward's naked body, a network of scars across his skin…each and every one was imbedded into his flesh for the cause that had restored Alphonse's body. Sacrifices…selfless sacrifices made for Alphonse…

Blood spilled…

Bones broken…

It was always okay for Edward.

'And I told him he was selfish…I said I wish I didn't love him.' Al had cried every night and every morning, his chest, throat and eyes burned something terrible, he hardly had the strength to cry anymore. He did not deserve forgiveness and he wouldn't dare ask for it, he just wanted to see Edward and know that he was alive.

"Who's Gracia Hughes?" Elizabeth was frowning, looking so much sadder and Alphonse wondered if she was just mirroring his own expression. He swallowed sorely and sniffed,

"She's sort of like a mother figure to us, we've known her for a long time, since we were teenagers." He answered hoarsely, so much emotion was continuously building up within him, he felt so awfully trapped inside it and yet empty because all the pain didn't keep him company, it just sucked the life out of him.

But even though he felt alone, he wasn't.

"That sounds nice, I'll bet she's lovely if you guys value her so much." Elizabeth managed a weak smile but her words were sincere. Alphonse stared up at her, feeling grateful that he wasn't alone, and he asked the question as soon as he thought it,

"Would you like to come with me tomorrow night?" he asked quietly with a small weak smile of his own.

Elizabeth smiled and nodded…and Alphonse silently wondered why he was dragging her into the mess that was his life when he knew he would probably only end up hurting her,

'What the hell is wrong with me?'