Apologies if anyone has been trying to follow this story cos I keep moving it between categories. I can't make up my mind if it belongs here in the Mortal Instruments or in the Infernal Devices category. XD So it's back here for now. Please review so I have some feedback and some direction.


Mel unwillingly withdrew her hands and pulled away from him. Michael was looking at her with an expression of longing mixed with fear. "What's wrong?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I should go." He quickly got up but Mel grabbed his hand.

"Michael, tell me what's wrong. You keep running off; what am I supposed to think?" she said. He paused but said nothing. "Do you have a phobia? You don't like to be touched? Is it something I did?"

"No!" he exclaimed. "It's not you. Really. You have to believe me."

"Then what?"

It was clear that there was a battle going on inside him. Whatever defences and masks he usually wore seemed stripped away and he looked vulnerable. Mel stood and took both his hands. "Michael, please, tell me what you're thinking. I want to help you. I know we barely know each other, but I can't bear to see you like this. Please, tell me how I can help."

Michael squeezed her hands. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to scare you. I… Do you know what is panic disorder?"

"Yes, it's when someone gets bouts of extreme anxiety and uncontrollable panic."

He nodded. "I had my first panic attack when I was 13," he explained. "I was about to take my exams at the Academy. I was facing off a classmate. I remember my instructor pushing me, saying he expected me to be excellent. The fight had just began when I… Everything just suddenly became too much. I… I lost the round and failed the exam.

"Dad was so disappointed. He didn't say it but I could see it in his face. He had such high hopes. Maddy had been a brilliant student and he thought that as a boy, with his blood, I could do even better. Mom didn't say anything. She just tried to be supportive. But I knew she was disappointed too. I let everyone down.

"I went back to the Academy in the next term. I did fine in classes. In training sessions, I performed up to expectations. I did everything I had to do to make up for… Anyway, at the exam, I couldn't do it again. I don't know. The weight of everything came crashing down on me. I spent two weeks hiding in my room before Mom figured out something was wrong.

"She thought I was just being a teenage boy having a bitch fit and was sulking in my room. So she dragged me out and took me demon hunting with her. That was a big mistake. I almost got us both killed when I froze at the crucial moment. After that, the anxiety just got worse. The Silent Brothers had to be called in to restrain me after I, apparently, broke down, curled up into a ball and tried to physically attack anyone who came near me.

"It took a lot of counselling and fortitude runes before I managed to regain normality and control how I felt." Michael paused and rolled up his left sleeve to show Mel the network of silver scars on his arm.

"In a couple of months, no one remembered that I ever had a problem. I became Jace Herondale's golden son. I was on the way at last to becoming the best Shadowhunter of my generation. The cool kid in school everyone looked up to and wanted to be. After I came of age, I went to the New York Institute and spent my nights hunting demons and my days downing Xanax, and slowly losing my mind with the weight of the expectations on me.

"And then I met you, Mel. You, who basically knew nothing about the Shadow world, or about me. Even after you knew who I was, you still didn't look at me differently."

"Of course I didn't. I wouldn't treat anyone differently just because they have famous parents," Mel protested.

"No, you actually did behave a bit differently around the others. Like Henry Lightwood, for instance," Michael said. "You suddenly started being more curious. I know the look; I've been on the receiving end for a very long time.

"But, like I said, you didn't act any differently towards me. So I thought 'this is my chance for a fresh start'. Right from the start, you saw me. The me inside. You trusted me, for me, not for the legend. You make me feel calm, that I'm worth something – something more than the persona I present to the world. You don't know how much that means to me.

"When you kissed me earlier, I was not prepared for it. You knocked me completely off-kilter. I was terrified you might think I was rejecting you, and then I would lose you. I… I didn't want things to change between us. I still don't. I'm not ready."

Michael was now gripping Mel's hands so hard that his nails were digging into her skin. "I'm not ready but I want you. I need you. I don't want to be how I was before. I don't want to live like that. But…" his breathing was becoming very erratic and Mel was afraid he might faint. She gently manoeuvred him to sit on the bed. He did not resist but continued to speak, his words tumbling out faster and faster: "I'm afraid that if I can't give you what you want, if I hurt you again, you'll leave and disappear back into the mundane world forever. And I don't know if I could take that."

It was clear that panic was starting to get the better of him. He realised this too and it seemed to worsen his anxiety. "Mel, help me," he pleaded.

Mel slowly eased one hand free from his death grip and used it to give him a one-arm hug. His body was extremely tense. "Michael, you're my friend. I'm not going to leave you. I'll always be there if you need me. All you have to do is call. And I'm not going disappear into the mundane world. This is my world too."

Mel could feel him hyperventilating. She started to gently massage the back of his neck, and employed a technique a nurse had once used on her. "You're going to be ok. You hear me? Now, I want you to breathe with me. Take slow deep breaths. Don't think about it. Just follow me, ok?" She began breathing slowly and deeply, willing Michael to calm down.

It seemed to take forever but she finally felt his chest rise and fall with hers and his body relax. He released her other hand, and she flung it around him to hug him properly.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" Mel asked. "Just to sleep. I don't want you to have another panic attack."

"Yes. I'd like that," Michael answered gratefully.

They did not change into night clothes but just slid under the covers. There was plenty of room on the bed for the both of them but Mel snuggled up close to Michael. He shifted so that they were laying face to face.

"Are you ok?" Mel asked.

He nodded. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

She touched his face. "Thank you for trusting me. You know that it's ok to ask for help, right? It's not a sign of weakness or anything. It actually takes great strength."

He too raised his hand to stroke her cheek. "In another world, Mel, we might have been parabatai."

"We still can be," Mel said.

"No, the ceremony isn't open to those above 18," Michael said. "And, thanks to me and my idiotic youth, you're not a Shadowhunter."

"Well, then we won't tell anyone," Mel said. "We'll be secret parabatai."

"But," Michael said, a little too casually, "If we become parabatai, even in secret, the whole idea of it excludes romantic love."

"Are you saying you want to be my boyfriend?"

"I'm not ruling that out."

"In that case, I have to tell you something. But you have to promise to stay calm."

"You already have a boyfriend," Michael guessed.

"Not exactly," Mel said. "He's a really close friend from college. His name's Robert Lavinker. He gave me my red coat. We were one of those on-again off-again couples. But after we graduated, I went home to LA, he went home to New York and we didn't keep in touch. I was thinking of getting together with him again when I start working for Luke. What do you think?"

Michael rolled onto his back and stared at the four-poster bed's canopy. "Part of me wants to be selfish and keep you all to myself. The other part says I'm screwed even before I start, so... I don't know, Mel. I have no experience with girls and relationships."

"You can throw your hat into the ring," Mel said sleepily. "That might be fun."