The Calm

It had been a gentle Saturday morning when I realized that he knew.

I suppose I should've counted myself lucky- my grace period of assured peace had been twice as long as Arden had initially offered. About halfway through the second week, I almost forgot about him entirely- imagining that maybe he could've given up. Perhaps letting my guard down was what doomed me.

We had been as cautious as possible; Pacifica continued to follow her new routes so as to avoid me in the halls, we hardly made eye contact at lunch, and never texted each other when we knew a prying eye could glance at our phones. Anyone who didn't care enough to see how absolutely elated we were underneath all the covert affection could assume that we had broken up.

Still, it was only a matter of time before Arden found out.

I should've predicted that our peace was only ever fleeting, and I should've been preparing for the day I finally felt the weight of gravity upon my shoulders. But I was a teenager in love, and I didn't care. And I made the foolish decision to entertain the idea that Arden Strazio was dumb enough to be fooled.

I found it in the mail, along with a box of tea from Korea.

It felt odd at first- cold, and stiff, and soft. Little ringlets of fuzz coiled around my fingers, and I imagined a stuffed animal from mom's sisters. My fingers closed around a loose flap, and I dragged it out. As soon I saw the eyes, I dropped it and screamed.

The severed poodle head fell to the ground with a sickening thump, rolling lifelessly on the pavement. Blood, still thick with the memory of life, leaked from the open neck. The eyes were wide and petrified, and the mouth was slightly ajar. Parts of the animal had been shaved awkwardly, leaving patches of bare skin.

The collar had a small tag on it with a crude message in pen.

DOG EATERS, WATCH YOUR BACKS

The scariest part was that this was his sober handwriting. I looked around wildly, expecting to find the rest of the animal somewhere nearby, jammed in the gutter or smashed between the window and sill. But all I could see was the poodle's head, and those horrified, pained eyes. I wondered suddenly if Arden had gone slowly with the knife.

I whimpered as I carefully bent down and closed my fingers around the dog's ear. I plucked it from the ground and carried it to the trashcan. Feeling like my arm was that of a rigged claw machine, I shakily released the severed animal into the trashcan's eager jaws.

I felt like an automaton as I slowly marched back into the house, my fingertips stained red with violence. I headed into the kitchen, and turned the faucet on scalding. I washed my hands, thinking nothing of the steaming water.

"Candy?" Mom asked, peering up from her phone.

"Your sisters brought tea," I said, tossing her the box of dry Korean leaves.

Mom seemed to forget about me, smiling and hugging the box close to her chest. "Thank you, Candy. You are a good daughter," she murmured, putting her phone down to smell the leaves. "They're fresh. Do you want some? I haven't had this flavor in ages."

"No thanks," I said. "I've gotta call Pacifica real quick, though."

"You teenagers," Mom chided absentmindedly. "Don't say anything you wouldn't say to me."

I nodded, taking off up the stairs and locking myself in my room. With hands that finally shook with life and fear, I dialed Pacifica's number and prayed.

"Hey, Candy. What's up?" Pacifica said. I felt relief flood my veins like tropical storm, and sighed.

"Oh thank God you're okay," I breathed, jamming my eyes shut and dragging my palm down my face. I collapsed upon my bed, and feeling my wits return to me, smiled.

"Candy, what's wrong?" Pacifica asked, nervousness suddenly edging her voice. I recalled the situation at hand and sat back up, standing up to check the locks on my window. "Are you okay?" Pacifica asked louder.

"I'm f-," I cut myself off. "I'm kind of panicking right now, actually. Can you come over? Please."

Pacifica was silent for a short while before eventually caving. "Okay," she said. "I'll be there in ten. You better have a good explanation for this."

I thanked her profusely before hanging up. I hoped Arden could save the other half of the dog for at least ten minutes longer.


By the time Pacifica knocked on my door, I had calmed down substantially.

"Candy!" I heard Mom yell from down the stairs, "The Northwest girl is here! Put on some nice clothes!"

I felt my face go red, but tried to think little of it. Instinctively, I stared at my reflection. Thanks to my now constant bike rides to Pacifica's, I'd started looking a little more athletic. My skin was tanner, and the excess roundness in my cheeks had begun to fade.

My face seemed older and stronger, and my back looked straighter. I almost looked, if I dared admit it, pretty.

Shaking out of my stupor, I found an ugly sweater to throw on. Because I knew it would infuriate Pacifica, I tucked it into my pajama pants before poking my head out of my bedroom and inviting Pacifica in.

Pacifica looked at me and walked in like she owned the place, settling down on my bed.

"You look like a dork," Pacifica snorted. "Why did you tuck your sweater into basketball shorts?"

"Thought it would lighten the mood," I shrugged, a half-smile on my face. I sighed heavily and made sure the door was entirely shut before kissing Pacifica on the cheek and leaning against her. She awkwardly fit her arms around me, obviously not used to the role reversal.

I pulled away for her sake, hugging myself tightly.

"So what's going on?" Pacifica asked, her voice full of concern.

"Arden knows," I said. "He knows, and he's pissed."

Pacifica's eyes grew wide. She cursed under her breath and put her head in her hands. "I'm sorry, this is my fault. I wasn't careful enough, and he must've seen us-,"

"No," I said quietly. "Arden's smart. He would've figured it out even if we were impeccable with our sneaking around."

Pacifica sighed. She looked at me sadly, eyes carefully taking notice of the age that had quickly begun to ferment upon my face. My now deep-set eyes and thinning cheeks offered little solace. "Did he do anything yet?" she asked timidly, as if afraid to see the answer.

I nodded. My eyes drifted to the floor, and I slowly dropped to my knees, reaching under my bed and pulling out the shoebox of notes. I quietly passed it to Pacifica, who opened it with all the fear and curiosity of Pandora herself. "He's been sending me these for weeks."

She read through them quietly, her eyes tearing up more with each passing note. "God, Candy…" she whispered, setting the notes down and reaching across the box to wrap her arms around me. I wondered idly who she was trying to comfort. "If I could erase all this horrible shit, I would, I swear."

"No, it's okay," I said, kissing the top of her head. I tried to imagine what I might be doing now if none of this ever happened.

And I realized then that a world in which I would not be constantly terrified and in love would not a world worth living in. I shrugged Pacifica off of me and smiled sadly. "I called you because I'm scared. Not for me, but for you. I don't know what he'll do to you, Pacifica. I want you to stay safe and be careful. He's out there. And we don't know what he'll do to get what he wants."

"I do," Pacifica murmured quietly. "And he'll do anything."


Pacifica requested I stay at her house that night. Both because she didn't want either of us to be split up should something happen, and also because she was sure her house was better guarded than mine. Which, to be fair, it probably was.

We stowed away in her room, and she nudged me over to the bed while she began to stuff her papers back into order. Something clicked in the back of my mind, and I managed a soft smile.

"Those aren't English Essays, are they?" I grinned, pointing to the heap of revisions.

"Ha- no," Pacifica snorted. "They're editorials I'm working on for a local fashion zine."

"I forgot," I laughed. "You actually know how to read and write."

"You're an asshole," Pacifica sneered, rolling her eyes. "And I thought I told you to stop calling me stupid."

"I wasn't calling you stupid. I'm just still in shock that you're a brilliant magazine editor and never thought to tell me," I said, laying back and enjoying the plush mattress beneath me.

"We all have secrets, Chiu," Pacifica said, stuffing the last of the editorials under her bed. She looked a bit frazzled as she shut down her laptop and ran a hand through her hair.

"But why hide it? That's all I'm asking," I pressed on, watching her with muted interest.

"I don't know," Pacifica shrugged. "I guess it's just kind of scary when everybody looks at you and sees this one thing for so long. They suddenly have expectations for who you are and who you're supposed to be. And if you break that mold, people get angry. That's why I like keeping the editorials anonymous. People don't just listen to what I say because my dad's rich. They listen because I actually have thoughts and ideas that have relevance to the world around me."

I stared at her for a moment, saying nothing.

Pacifica stood up and sat on the bed besides me, clasping her hands together. Because we always met outside her house, it was very rarely that we ever got quiet time where mosquitoes weren't eating us alive. Pacifica's shoulders slumped, and she stared at her bedspread.

"You know, when I first met Arden, it was just like this," Pacifica said. "We would sit and talk, and he always had something good to say about whatever topic I was on about that night."

"Really?" my heart sped up. Even hearing his name made my skin burn.

"You're a lot like him, in some ways," Pacifica laughed humorlessly. "I don't know if that's a good thing or not."

I wondered what Arden might've been like to make someone as fiercely independent as Pacifica settle down. He was a natural charmer, but I couldn't imagine Pacifica would fall for a bit of well-worded small talk.

Perhaps he was kind. Perhaps at one point, he wanted nothing more than to keep the people he loved safe. Maybe he was just a bit paranoid about the earthly dangers of this world- and never knew to what extent keeping others safe fell.

"I won't end up like him," I said softly. "And if I do- leave me."

"Okay, Chiu," Pacifica said. "I will."


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