A/N – So its been so long since I updated this that I had to go back and read it from the start, to all of you who have just done that (if any) many thanks.

This chapter, and the continuing of this story is thanks to Zela3. Without your recent review I don't think I ever would have returned to this. But you made me think that I too want you all to know who the killer is, and I miss writing, and I miss this world. So I've come back to play in it for awhile.

I really want to finish this story and I'm excited by where its going next.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and if you've had to go read from the start I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Please review and tell me if I still have it, or if I should just give up

Big hugs x

Aofie

Chapter nine - It takes an ocean not to break

Harry sat very still.

It was almost as if he thought by sitting very still he could erase the events of the past 24 hours.

Of course to erase them he probably would have to have an understanding of what had actually happened. Things had moved so quickly that he really wasn't sure. He knew that there had been a man with a gun pointed at Hermione's head and that there had been a bang. He knew deep down that there had also been a flash of green light but he was trying very hard not to think about that. He couldn't remember when the Aurors had arrived, or when Snape had arrived.

He couldn't remember when they'd taken his wand.

He supposed that he should have been more disturbed by this but he wasn't. He didn't really want to remember anything anyway. He supposed he should have at least felt some concern over the fact that he appeared to be in a cell. He was fairly sure that he was at the ministry, the room he was in consisted of little more than a hard bed, a sink and a toilet. There weren't bars in place of a door, but otherwise the room was a cell. The door was locked, most likely magically. He doubted that a simple Alohomora would open it.

And so he waited. He concentrated on sitting very still and not thinking. The only thought that kept popping into his mind (other than that green flash which he was ignoring) was a desperate hope that Hermione was alive. He was waiting for Severus to come and tell him she was fine.

He wasn't sure how long he waited. It could have been mere minutes, or perhaps it was days. It was long enough that his back started to hurt where he leaned against the wall, and his legs were cramping from hugging them into his chest.

There was a knock at the door. Harry felt too foolish to say 'come in' when clearly he couldn't open it himself so instead he said nothing. It wasn't at all who he expected.

He expected Kingsley, or Snape (though there was no way Snape would have knocked first) or even Prewitt to come and tell him what had happened. But he didn't expect Special Agent Bennett. He must really have messed up for them to send a muggle.

Bennett quietly opened the door and stepped into the room, closing it gently behind her.

'May I?' She asked quietly gesturing to the bed.

'Sure' Harry answered dully.

Bennet sat on the edge of the hard bed and looked at Harry. 'Are you okay?' She asked.

Harry just looked at her. 'Where's Severus?' He didn't want to hear that Hermione was dead from someone who was practically a stranger to him.

'He isn't coming.' She replied. 'They sent me instead.'

'Why would they send you?'

Bennett sighed and look away from him, her eyes fixing on a spot on the far wall above the sink. 'I don't think they know what to do with you just yet.'

'Is Hermione alive?' Harry found he couldn't wait any longer to know.

'Yes she's fine. Your friends are in St Mungo's. They most likely will be released sometime later tomorrow. There's nothing physically wrong with them, Mr Weasley has a mild concussion and Ms Granger is simply shaken up. She wasn't harmed.'

He just nodded.

'You saved their lives you know.' Bennett said gently.

'I know.' Harry closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about that green light. 'What's going to happen to me?'

'I'm not sure. Like I said no one really knows what to do with you. You caught the killer and prevented him from killing again, but you also performed an illegal curse.'

'It's not the first time.' He muttered.

'It's the first time you cast the killing curse though isn't it?' Bennett asked him.

It suddenly occurred to Harry that answering that might not be in his best interest. He remembered this old television show that he had watched on Dudley's TV once when the rest of his family was out and he was supposed to be cleaning the bathrooms. It was a show about police and there was this man they had arrested and they put him in a tiny little room and kindly asked him what had happened. Then they peppered him with question after question until he broke down crying and confessed. Then they sent him to jail. Harry really didn't want to go to Azkaban.

'Harry?' Bennett prodded him.

'Is this an interrogation?' Harry asked bluntly. 'Because I'm not going to break down crying and you won't be able to arrest me.' He added crossly.

Bennett raised her eyebrows. 'Yes it's an interrogation.' She said abruptly. 'Of sorts, but no one wants to arrest you. They don't even know if they should charge you.' She sighed. 'It's a difficult situation.'

'Where is Snape?' Harry asked again. For some reason he didn't want to answer any questions at all without Snape. At the very least he would prevent him incriminating himself.

'He's not coming.' Bennett said again.

'Why?'

'The Minister asked him to. They thought you would be more likely to talk to him. He refused.'

Harry's stomach clenched. 'I don't want to talk.' He didn't even want to think about it much less talk about it.

Bennett stood up. 'I know you don't. But if you want to get out of here you're going to have to.'

As she moved towards the door Harry couldn't help but ask. 'Who was he?'

'Who was who?' Bennett asked her hand on the door.

Harry looked at her. 'Who was the person I killed?'

'We don't know'. Bennett said slowly, then turned and left the room locking the door again behind her.

After she left Harry went back to sitting very still and waiting. He was sure if he were just patient and sat quietly that Severus would come eventually. He wasn't sure why this was so important to him since just recently he couldn't stand the sight of the man. But now, after everything that had happened he wanted nothing more than to see his face. He kept seeing that flash of green light in front of his eyes, and the man crumpling to the floor in front of him. Harry thought that admitting that he'd killed someone would make the vision go away but he was wrong.

He was disappointed when the door opened again and once again it wasn't Severus.

'Come with me.' Kingsley said, holding the door open wide for Harry. 'Quickly'.

Harry jumped up, ignoring how his muscles were cramping from sitting too still and followed Kingsley out of his cell. It turned out they were in the Auror headquarters, and that Harry's cell had been only a few door down from the conference room he had been in yesterday. The contents of the file were still spellotaped to the wall.

'Sit' Kingsley said gesturing to the large conference room table and chairs.

Harry sat. He wasn't sure what else to do. Bennet, Prewitt and Zabini were already seated. No sign of Severus. 'Where's Snape?' He asked.

'At home I presume.' Kingsley replied standing behind the seat across from Harry.

'Why do you care?' Zabini asked.

Harry didn't have an answer. Nor did he feel the need to provide one.

Kingsley remained standing and leaned forward, resting his hands on the conference room table. 'Harry you need to tell us what happened. If you don't we will have no choice but to arrest you. You must corroborate our witness's testimony.'

'Who was your witness? Hermione?' Harry asked.

'Given the stress she was under at the time her opinion is too clouded to be considered impartial. We have another witness who arrived on the scene just in time to see you cast the killing curse. We need you to tell us about the situation that caused you to cast it.'

Harry looked at Kingsley, then down the table to where Bennett was sitting. She gave him a tight nod. He supposed that meant he should say something. He didn't ask who the other witness was. He already knew. 'When I arrived Ron had been knocked out and Hermione was locked in a full body bind.' He said slowly. 'I saw a man holding a gun to her head. I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped and I cast the curse.'

'Harry why did you cast that curse? Why didn't you cast something else? A disarming spell would have been just as effective on a gun as on a wand.' Bennett asked.

'I didn't think of it.' Harry admitted. 'I never even considered casting Expelliarmus.'

'Aren't you known for casting that curse in combat?' Bennett pushed.

'This wasn't combat.' Harry said carefully, again thinking that he would be better off if he kept his mouth closed. 'We're not at war anymore. This is supposed to be peacetime. I was never supposed to be in this situation again.' Harry's voice cracked slightly. 'And you seem to know an awful lot about me Special Agent Bennett.' He narrowed his eyes at her.

'It's my job to know about you Harry.' Bennett said. 'I'm the head of the magical crime section of the FBI, do you really think I wouldn't know everything there is to know about the demise of the most powerful and dangerous wizard the world had ever seen? Including the person who brought about that demise?'

Harry just shrugged. 'I'm not supposed to be important anymore.'

'You're always going to be important Harry. Whether you like it or not.' Kingsley said. 'As for being in that situation, I feel somewhat responsible. As do others. We should have foreseen that they were targets and provided your friends with more adequate protection.'

'No shit.' Harry said drily, feeling an anger borne mostly of guilt. He did see them as targets and could have done more for their protection. So for that matter could Severus. He'd scoffed at the idea that they could be attacked, and now he wasn't even here. Why the fuck wasn't he here?

'While this is all true Harry and should be taken into account, you did still cast an unforgivable curse.' Zabini stated smugly. 'Why didn't you disarm him?'

Harry just shrugged. 'I didn't consider a disarming spell. I only knew that this was a situation I hadn't been faced with before; my friend had a gun aimed at her head by a psychotic madman. I didn't want to disarm him; I wanted to stop him killing anyone else.'

'Disarming him would have stopped him from killing anyone else.' Bennett said.

Harry wished fervently that they would just send Bennett home. What impressed him about her yesterday was working against him today. He took a deep breath and looked at her holding her gaze. 'I was also very aware that this man had killed several highly trained and talented witches and wizards, apparently subduing them without the use of magic. How could I be sure that disarming him would even work?' He said calmly.

There was silence.

'I think you have all the information you require Minister.' Bennett said slowly looking from Harry to Kingsley. 'The question is what are you going to do with him now?'

'I'm not going to do anything with him now.' Kingsley said. 'We have an incredible mess to clean up and I don't wish to add to it. Harry you're free to go, but please continue to keep the details of this case to yourself.'

'That's it?' Harry asked in disbelief.

'That's it.' Kingsley said firmly.

'Are you even going to tell me who the killer was?'

'We don't know yet.' Prewitt spoke up. 'There wasn't a magical trace on him and he didn't have any identification on him at all either Muggle or wizard.'

'So you're saying he was a muggle then?' Harry asked in surprise. He just didn't see how a muggle could have put Hermione of all people in a full body bind. It wasn't possible.

'We're saying we don't know Harry.' Bennett said. 'We'll let you know when we do.'

'What did Hermione say happened?' Harry asked. 'How did she end up in a full body bind?'

'She doesn't know.' Kingsley said. 'Her memory was modified.'

'I'm going to go and see her.' Harry said. 'Perhaps she will remember something if I help her.'

'Harry be careful. She's been through an ordeal.' Bennett said.

'She's been through worse.' Harry stated flatly before getting up from the table. 'Can I go back to my home?' he asked. 'I'm no longer a target anymore am I?'

'You can go home.' Kingsley confirmed. 'We will be in touch. But Harry you're not off the hook yet. Do not disappear again, and keep away from the press if you want to remain on the Ministries good side.'

Harry raised his eyebrows in disbelief. 'Seriously?'

Kingsley just looked at him.

'Do I get my wand back?' Harry asked.

'Not yet.' Kingsley said, looking away. 'We will reassess things in due course and then I'm sure it will be returned to you once you've been cleared completely of any wrongdoing. You're free to go'

Harry fully intended to go and visit Ron and Hermione immediately but somehow he ended up finding himself on Snape's doorstep.

He wanted to see him, to hear his explanation of what happened as he had no doubts that Snape was the other witness Kingsley had mentioned. He also just wanted to see his face. He wasn't sure where this desire had come from or when, he just knew he would feel calmer when he saw him. At least he hoped he would, he refused to acknowledge the change in the feelings between them but they were there all the same.

Harry knocked on Snape's door.

There was no answer.

Harry knocked again. 'I know you're in there!' He called. 'Where else would you bloody be!'

'Right behind you perhaps?' Snape answered, making Harry jump. 'Why are you here?' He asked coldly as he unlocked and opened the door with his wand.

'All my things are here.' Harry said, feeling foolish.

'I believe the Ministry gave you permission to go home as the killer has been apprehended?' Snape said with a slight sneer. 'I can send your things to you.'

'Can I please come in?' Harry asked, choosing to ignore Snape's tone.

'Do I have a choice?'

'No.'

'Then by all means do come in.' Snape said snidely, opening the door just enough for Harry to slip though.

Harry slowly moved towards the kitchen and sat down at the table. This attitude was not what he expected, and he found himself feeling hurt and angry. What had he done wrong?

Snape followed him to the table and sat opposite him. 'What do you want?' He snapped.

Harry just looked at him, 'Where were you Severus?'

Whatever it was Snape had expected him to say it wasn't that. He lowered his gaze to the edge of the table and said nothing.

'I needed you.' Harry added.

'No one actually needs me Potter.' Snape said quietly, the venom in his voice gone.

Harry didn't see the point of answering that since he quite clearly did need him. 'I need you to tell me what happened. I waited all day in a jail cell and no one could tell me what happened. I need you to tell me.'

Snape shook his head in disgust. 'Of course you do. That's why you needed me there. So you knew what the Ministry witness had said so you could align your stories and typically worm your way of trouble once again. Save yourself the headache Potter. I told them what you wanted me to. You can go now.'

'What the fuck is wrong with you?' Harry asked. 'I needed you because I just fucking killed someone Snape! I cast the one goddamned curse that I swore I would never cast, that I didn't even cast on Voldemort. VOLDEMORT! And I just cast it on someone whose FUCKING BACK WAS TURNED!' Harry had risen from his chair his fists balled tightly at his sides. 'I need you to tell me why! What happened? Why did I do it? And where the fuck were you today? I needed you! I needed your support!' He asked again breathing heavily.

'I was too late.' Snape said bitterly. 'And I don't know why you did it. I want to know that myself. Why did the golden boy, saviour of the wizarding world cast Avada Kadavra at an unarmed man? You tell me.' He folded his arms.

'I don't know.' Harry said, sinking back into his chair, tears leaking out his eyes and spilling over his cheeks. 'He wasn't unarmed. He may not have had a wand but he wasn't unarmed.'

'Do you think that makes it better?' Snape asked.

Harry shook his head. 'Bennett asked me why I didn't disarm him, and do you know what I told her? I said it was because I knew he had been subduing powerful witches and wizards without magic and that I thought disarming him might not work.'

'You didn't even consider it did you?' Snape asked harshly.

'No I didn't.' Harry said, his anger leaving him giving way to utter self-loathing. 'I lied to her. I didn't even think of it. I just wanted him dead Severus. I wanted to kill him.'

'I know.'

'I just don't know why.' Harry said. 'But I guess it doesn't matter anymore does it?'

'It always matters.' Snape said flatly. 'As you well know, your actions always matter.'

Harry did know and it was eating him up inside, but he still felt unbelievably hurt at Snape's reaction. 'I can't believe you of all people are treating me like this. Is that why you left? You're angry at me for killing him? How many people have you killed? Or hurt? Or tortured?' Harry asked in disbelief, and the hurt and self-loathing he was feeling doubled. 'How many people did you bully? What about Neville? How horrible you were to him? Or Hermione? Or me? How can you speak to me like that after how you treated us all those years.' More tears spilled over his cheeks and he angrily wiped them away.

Snape remained silent.

'How can you judge me so harshly?' Harry asked. 'Answer me!'

When Snape finally looked up at him, there was a hopeless look in his eyes. 'Because it was you Harry.'

'What?' He asked, confused.

"It was you. The boy who lived, the chosen one, the bloody saviour of the wizarding world.'

'You fucking have to stop calling me that.' Harry interrupted him. 'I can't stand it.'

'The point is you were good. And now you've killed someone. You've always been good. How could you of all people do that? Snape said, jumping suddenly to his feet. 'Even when I hated you I still admired you! I could see Voldemort was never going to break you, I was counting on it. You would never be evil as he was.' Snape paused. 'Or as I was. You were my purpose! Keeping you safe, keeping you alive! How is this safe Harry? How could you let a magic hating muggle beat you? How can you be so selfish that I still have to look out for you now even though the war is over! And worse now I have to worry about you being good?'

Harry didn't know what to say. He never imagined he would hear Snape speaking this way, especially to him, and it made him angry. 'I don't know. ' He said, as that was the truth. 'I don't understand why you're acting this way. You would have done the same thing. He was going to kill Hermione. What does it matter that I killed him first? Why are you assuming that I'm not good anymore because I killed a fucking serial killer?'

Snape sat back down slowly and took a deep breath. 'I'm afraid.'

'What are you afraid of?'

Severus took a long time to answer. 'You're right I would have done the same thing. I may have even done worse. If it had been you with a gun pointed at you? I would certainly have done worse. But up until now you yourself wouldn't have. You've been in my company for how long now? A few short days? And look at what you've done. If you stay here, if we become any closer I'm afraid of what it will do to you. That's why you killed him Harry.' Snape's eyes were full of the same shame and self-loathing that Harry himself was feeling.

'Severus I,' Harry stuttered.

'All those years of hating you?' Snape continued. 'Of bullying you and your friends? It was because I couldn't have you get close to me, I'm not good, and you were my hope for the future Harry. I knew it was too late for me. That the things I had done were unforgivable. But you could survive it and move on after; you could have a happy life despite what I and Dumbledore had put you through. I knew you wouldn't die Harry, I knew it. You were my hope.'

Harry didn't answer for some time. It was so much to process. How could he mean so much to someone he barely knew? And who hated him until recently. How could he reconcile this Severus with professor Snape who was so cruel? It baffled him, and he felt angry.

'Severus I can't be your hope.' Harry said flatly. 'All I can be is me.'

Severus didn't reply.

'I have to be enough for you as I am. You can't hold me up as an ideal anymore, or use me as your reason for living. You have to let that go.'

'When people see good they expect good.' Severus said.

'I can't live up to those expectations.' Harry replied. 'I don't want to. Especially with whatever the fuck is happening between us. It's too much.'

Severus frowned. 'It's complicated Harry.'

Harry shook his head angrily. 'It's not complicated. You want to know why? Because he's dead now Severus. The killer is dead. It's done. So you have to let this go.'

Severus looked at him closely. 'Then you also have to let go of the past. The way I treated you and your friends, I can't take it back. And I won't apologise for it. I did what I did and I behaved how I behaved to keep you alive.' he said. 'I can't feel that guilt.'

'Okay.' Harry agreed. 'Lets move on. Now for the love of Merlin please tell me what happened today. I'm as horrified by my actions as you were and I don't really remember what happened. I guess I blocked it out.'

'Then you're lucky. I guess I haven't ruined you completely. I remember every horrible thing I've ever witnessed or done in frightening detail.' Severus said seriously.

'For fucks sake Severus we've been spending time together for only a few days you haven't done anything to me, don't be ridiculous.' Harry snapped.

'Watch your language.' Severus snapped. 'That's the eighth time you've used that word tonight. Try not to be so vulgar.'

'Under the circumstances I'll be whatever I like. Now talk to me please.' Harry said, his tone softening slightly.

'I don't know entirely what happened. I'm not sure what to tell you that hasn't been said already. I arrived just in time to see you cast the curse. The killer had incapacitated Ron and cast the body bind on Hermione and had a gun pointed at her. You cast the curse and he went down.'

'What happened next? I don't remember.'

'You just stood there. You were just standing there looking at the body, and so I went to you and took your wand away. And you just let me. How could you let me take your wand?'

Harry shrugged. 'I don't know, I trust you I guess?'

'Then you just sat down in a corner and put your head in your hands and waited for the Aurors to arrive.' Severus said.

'What happened to Hermione and Ron?' Harry said, appalled that he apparently didn't even check on his friends wellbeing.

'I called the healers and I checked them. I removed the body bind on Hermione and discovered her memory had been modified. She didn't remember anything other than she was frightened. She didn't even realise she had been in a full body bind. Ron was unconscious but breathing and the healers took him straight to St Mungos. Hermione went with him.'

'Is he okay? Did I talk to them at least?' Harry asked.

'The last I heard he was doing well. You didn't really have time to talk. The Aurors arrived just before the healers, and secured the area. They didn't really let Hermione near you. She asked what was wrong with you though. I said you had saved her life but were probably in shock.' Severus said.

Harry nodded. 'Sounds like I was. Severus thank you. Thanks for looking after them.' He said softly reaching out and touching the back of Severus' hand. 'I appreciate it.'

'Don't thank me Harry. If I had done as you asked and checked on them earlier this may have been avoided altogether.' Severus looked down but didn't pull his hand away. 'You shouldn't thank me. Hermione asked me to look after you before she went. And I didn't.'

'No you didn't.' Harry said seriously. 'But you are now.'

For a few moments they just sat there in silence. Harry could feel the warmth of Severus' hand under his, the roughness of his skin. His heart was beating faster.

'I'm so tired.' Severus said suddenly.

'You too?' Harry asked. 'I don't really remember the last time I wasn't.'

'When the war ended I thought we'd be left alone. I thought we could rest. Why couldn't they leave us alone? Haven't we done enough for them?

Harry gently stroked his hand. 'I've asked myself that question many times, and I don't have the answer. But I know now that I'm glad they didn't leave us alone. I'm not sure alone was what I needed.'

'You wouldn't have had to suffer through today if they had.' Severus said, lifting his fingers slightly to curl around Harry's.

'I wouldn't be sitting here with you either would I?' Harry said softly.

'No I daresay you wouldn't be. But at least you'd be safe.' Severus said.

'You don't know that.' Harry said. 'Severus can I please stay?' he asked, suddenly terrified of the answer.

'Harry, whatever this is I'm not ready for it.' Severus said, pulling his hand away.

'I just don't want to be alone anymore. I feel safe here, and I'm tired. I don't know what's happening here but right now I don't care. I know I feel safe with you. That's all that matters.' Harry said seriously.

Severus stood up from the table and looked at him. 'All your things are still in the guest room Harry. Of course you can stay. I'll see you in the morning.'

Harry sighed in relief. 'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.' Severus said, and then lifted his hand and gently touched Harry's hair before turning away.