Finally, another chapter! By demand, Ratchet is now entering the randomness. Jak's crackerjack driving skills are present once again in this chapter, as well as Torn's insurance paranoia. A little bit of Praxis-based idiocy is present, and there are also references at the end to Spongebob, Family Guy, Crash Bandicoot, and the Jimmy Neutron/FOP crossovers.
Chapter 9: Ratchet the Movie Star
Jak's new super-heroism was soon short-lived, and within a couple days he was back to being just plain Jak again.
One Sunday night after his shift, Jak had came back to the Underground to see a very entranced Torn, Ashelin, Keira, Samos, Erol, Praxis, and Veger watching a movie starring a certain person Jak despised greatly.
"Oh, man, I love this movie," Torn said, reaching into his bowl of popcorn to continue stuffing his already-stuffed face.
Jak looked over at the screen to see that Torn was watching "Ratchet: Up Your Arsenal", an action packed movie starring none other than galaxy super-celebrity, Ratchet.
Jak had always been jealous of Ratchet, and for two reasons. One, because Ratchet was a better hero that he was, since the Lombax has saved two galaxies, one twice, and also has dethroned a corrupt underground media jockey. The second, was that all of his life adventures have been made into movies, staring him. So, Ratchet was both a movie star and an inter-galactic mega-hero. This has never happened to Jak, and so to this day Jak feels as though he has a 'rivalry' with Ratchet, though the two had never met before.
Jak was getting sick of the movie, and since his favorite show, "Haven's Funniest Home Videos" was on right now, he reached for the remote. Torn, however, saw this and smacked the blond's hand away.
"No, Jak, you aren't turning the channel; not this time," Torn responded.
"But..." Jak began.
"I know you don't like Ratchet, but you've ruined all the other movie nights I've had, and I won't let you ruin this one. Besides, there's a TV in the back you can watch, anyway."
"But Torn, it's not as fun to watch someone fall off their jet board and land on their face when it's not in HD," Jak said.
"Don't you have a big screen at home," Torn asked.
"Yeah, what's wrong with ours," Keira added.
"But...Torn's got the whole package..."
"Just go watch it at your house," Torn said, knowing Jak would continue this argument all night.
"Eaagh, fine; come on, Dax," Jak said, turning towards the door. Daxter, however, didn't follow him, and instead gravitated his way towards the TV screen.
"Daxter," Jak asked, feeling rejected.
"Jak, you're my bud and all, but I just can't stop watching...so many explosions..." Daxter said, almost in a trance-like state.
"Fine! I don't need you," Jak whined pathetically, running off to his home.
Torn then resumed the movie, everyone's eyes just growing wide, the lot staring at the screen like they were hypnotized.
(The next day)
Jak was walking through the Stadium section to not only try to forget about Ratchet, but also he was on his way to the Bazaar to go do Keira's shopping; yes, Keira's shopping. She just had to go over to Torn's again to watch more movies, so she entitled Jak to get her chores finished. Jak would have denied, but, well, we know what happens when Jak tells Keira no; she gets angry, and no one likes Keira when she's angry.
(Shows clip of Jak being chased by Dragon Keira)
Unfortunately for Jak, his attempts to forget about Ratchet were failing; the coming weekend was the annual Galactic Film Festival, and Haven was going to be holding it this year. And, of course, this meant that Ratchet was going to be there, showing off the teaser trailer for his next new movie. So, Jak had to face an onslaught of posters, video screens, and fliers with the hero/actor's face on it, which drove Jak insane.
He soon went past a group of teenage girls with all their Ratchet merchandise on, going on about how cute he was; that was the other thing that Jak was jealous of Ratchet for, that the Lombax always got all the girls; Jak can barely get a kiss from Keira, and of course there's the loony Kakukakakika. Not a very pleasing fan club for Jak.
Jak was thankful that he was almost to where he had parked his car, about to get out of this mess and be able to breathe some fresh, non-Ratchet air. However, it just had to happen, the one thing that the whole city would remember him for; just as he rounded the corner to the exit of the section heading out to the farming district, a man suddenly ran up to him, yelling: "Hey, man, did ya hear? Ratchet's coming to..."
Jak, finally hitting his breaking point, screamed at the top of his lungs, "IIIIIIIIIIII HAAAAATE RRRRRRAAATTTTCHEEETTTTT!"
All of a sudden, the entire city just froze. Cars stopped and some kept going, causing major accidents all around the city, people walking just froze in their position, not to mention some glass shattering from Jak's voice shock wave, and all you heard was then entire city let out one huge gasp, everyone turning to look at Jak. The blond just walked off awkwardly, continuing on.
Jak returned to the underground later that night after doing Keira's shopping all day, Torn looking more angry at Jak than usual.
"Hi ya, Torn," Jak said cheerfully.
"Jak, what have you done today," Torn asked, in a tone that Jak knew all too well; this meant that Jak was in trouble.
"Do all of KEIRA'S chores," Jak said, annoyed.
"Is that all," Torn asked, in the same tone.
"Yeah...wait, no...I, kinda...sorta..." Jak began, but Torn finished his sentence for him.
"Yelled as loud as you could that you hated Ratchet," he said. "I know; I didn't hear it, but 3 hours after you left, I had a mob of citizens breaking my door down with anti-Jak signs and shirts."
"I couldn't take it anymore," Jak responded. "He's everywhere..."
"Sure," Torn said, his tone back to normal. "I just hope that this weekend you're nowhere near that convention; who knows what they'd do to you."
"Ah, there just stupid citizens," Jak said. "I run them over with vehicles every day and they just run off like wee little girly men."
Jak said that last part in an Austrian accent, to which Torn yelled: "You WHAT!"
"Uh, I gotta go, T," Jak responded, leaving, just as Torn was about to go on a tantrum. Jak closed the door just in time to not hear Torn roar Jak's name.
(The next day)
Jak decided that it was time he gave Ratchet a run for his money and was going to make his own movie, claiming that it would be better than all of Ratchet's.
Jak walked into the Underground the next day with a thick, well-written script in his hands. Jak saw Torn plopped down on his desk, things all over the room from his rampage last night. Jak through the script onto the table right next to Torn's ears, jolting the red-haired man awake.
"Who...oh, JAK," Torn said.
"Torn, I want to make a movie," Jak stated.
"OH, NO YOU'RE NOT!" Torn yelled. "Remember the last time you made a movie?"
"Uh..."
"All the stunts you did..."
"Raised your insurance."
"All the vehicles you wrecked..."
"Raised your insurance."
"The props and set equipment..."
"Cost lots of orbs..."
"The stunt doubles..."
"Cost a lot AND raised your insurance..."
"See what I mean? You're not making a movie, and that's final," Torn said.
Jak stayed silent for a moment, before turning to Gordon and saying: "Come on, Gordon, let's go make a movie."
"Eh, sure, beats being here all day," Gordon responded, the two walking out of the underground.
"Oh, no you don't," Torn yelled at them before they walked out. "You're not doing this with out me! I'm your budget manager!"
"Fair enough," Jak said, the three departing for the wasteland.
(At Spargus)
"OK," Jak said as they arrived at the race garage. "I think we're going to need a chase scene through the wasteland, and also..."
"Remember, Jak, budget," Torn responded.
"Eh, I know," Jak said, jotting down notes in a memo pad.
"JAK," someone yelled suddenly. Jak turned to see an angry Keira staring at him.
"Keira, what are you doing here," Jak asked.
"I'm here because when you went shopping the other day, you bought CANADIAN bacon when my list clearly said REGULAR bacon!"
"But Canadian bacon's so much tastier," Jak said.
"FIX IT NOW!"
"I'm...making a movie..."
"Can I be in it?"
"Uh...why?"
"Because I'm pretty," Keira said. Everyone just glared at her.
"I don't know if I can fit you in the script..." Jak began.
"PUT ME IN THE MOVIE!"
"ok," Jak squeaked, making another note. Torn got a worried look in his face because of another actor in Jak's movie. He would've forgot about it, but...
"Son," Damas suddenly said, appearing mysteriously.
"Oh, hi, Dad," Jak said.
"What're you doing here?"
"Makin' a movie."
"Can I be in it," Damas asked, Torn shooting Jak a "you'd better not" look.
"Sure," Jak said, ignoring Torn's glare.
"Budget," Torn said.
"I know, Torn," Jak said.
"Hey, if it's a budget issue, I can help," Damas said. "I AM the king of Spargus, after all..."
"Great, then," Jak said.
"Well, I guess two extras can't hurt," Torn said. He, however, was sadly mistaken.
"Hey Kliever," Damas yelled.
"What," the fat man, who was standing by the slam dozer, yelled back.
"Jak's making a movie, wanna be in it?"
"Do I get to shoot anything?"
"Well," Damas asked Jak.
"Sure," Jak said.
"He says you can," Damas yelled again.
"Then count me in," Kliever yelled back in response.
"OK, three more..." Torn said to himself.
Unfortunately for Torn, within the span of a day, Jak had enlisted almost everyone in his movie. Almost, because there were some people who declined; Seem, who said she had 'important things to do' (shows Seem in the Naughty Otsel), Veger, Razer, Kor, Vin, Krew, Onin, Pecker, and others.
So, by the end of the day, it was Jak, Torn, Keira, Gordon, Ashelin, Damas, Praxis, Erol, Kliever, Sig, Tess, Daxter, Razer (who was 'persuaded' to be in the movie by Praxis), and Veger (also persuaded). Luckily for Torn, though, having both Damas and Praxis as actors meant that the budget wouldn't be an issue; it was just now his insurance he had to worry about.
"OK," Jak said once they were back in the race garage with all the actors. "Let's do the desert scenes first. Everyone pick a car, doesn't matter what," Jak said.
"Slam dozer," Keira called.
"Uh, I don't think so, missy," Kliever said. "That's too much power for you."
"Jak, I want the Slam Dozer," Keira whined.
"Why," Jak asked.
"Because...it's cool...and because I said I want it."
"Jak, can I have the tough puppy," Erol asked.
"Why," Jak asked, stunned that Erol wanted such a small vehicle.
"Because it's a tough puppy," Erol responded confidently.
"Uh...I guess..." Jak said. Erol squeaked giddily and hopped into the Tough Puppy, giggling like a schoolgirl.
"Jak," Keira asked.
"Oh; Um, sure," Jak responded. Keira motioned for the large vehicle, but saw that it was gone. Jak got a worried look on his face when Keira just stood there.
"Jak," she asked.
"What?"
"Where's my car?"
"I don't know, honestly."
"I think Praxis took it," Erol commented. As if on cue, the baron himself drove the vehicle into the garage, crashing it into its stall.
"Well, I think this'll do," he said.
"Uh, Praxis," Jak said. "Can...Keira have the slam dozer? I already told her she could..."
"Well, sweetie," Praxis said, thinking that Ashelin, not Jak, was the one talking. "The Baron is the ruler of the city, and he can do what he wants; he can also pick any car he wants, and I picked the Slam Dozer. So, the car is mine because I'm the Baron."
"GIVE ME THE CAR," Keira yelled suddenly.
"NEVER," Praxis said, jumping into the Slam Dozer. Keira then turned into a dragon and started chasing Praxis around the wasteland.
"I'll never surrender to you," Praxis yelled as they went out of range.
"Eventually he'll have to give Keira the vehicle," Jak said to Erol.
"Yeah," Erol responded.
"Well, let's just go ahead without them," Jak finished, gathering everyone up to shoot the seen.
(3 Days Later)
It was close, but Jak had managed to make a three-hour movie in three days and completely edit the whole thing in one night with little experience. Keira did force Praxis to eventually give up his prized Slam Dozer, and he resorted to having his prized "Baronmobile" shipped over to the wasteland.
Production actually had to halt many times, mostly because Damas kept screwing his lines up trying to 'improvise', and also when Erol and Razer kept trying to prove 'who was the better racer' by slamming each other off course. There was also the time when they were trying to film in the temple and Seem came back hammered completely that night, when Sig's peacemaker got lodged in the Gila Stomper's front axle, when Veger tried to steal the tough puppy from Erol, and when Praxis continuously got bored of his 'Baronmobile' and switched to numerous vehicles including a forklift, cherry picker, Helcat, Sled, a modified version of the bike he got Ashelin for Christmas one year, and even a McSpanky's delivery scooter, and proceeded to chase random people (usually either Veger, Torn, Jak, or Damas) around the wasteland with them.
Jak had submitted his movie to the convention that weekend, and soon it was time for the awards ceremony, where he was notified that he had won and award, though it didn't specifically say what award. Ever the optimist, though, he believed that he had beaten Ratchet this time, and wanted to be there to see the Lombax's embarrassed face.
He, Torn, and Gordon were all dressed up in tuxedos (it had, actually, taken a long time to convince Gordon to take off his hazard suit and put on a tuxedo) that night and were about to go get the rest of the cast.
"OK, Jak," Torn said as they walked out the door to a brand new black limousine. "I JUST bought this today for 500,000 orbs specifically for this occasion; unfortunately, you have to drive because I still don't have my license back yet, and Gordon doesn't for reasons he doesn't want to explain...(shows clip of a drunk Gordon running over KGs thinking they were zombies)"
"And you're telling me this because," Jak asked, unlocking the doors.
"Because I don't want you to destroy this thing after I just bought it," Torn responded.
"Oh, Torn, don't worry; have I ever given you a reason to not trust me," Jak asked. Torn just glared.
"Please keep this in one piece," Torn said.
"Don't worry," Jak responded. "I'll take good care of it."
Unfortunately for Torn, by the time Jak had picked up everyone, he had driven Torn's limo though the wall of each person's house; the vehicle in question, however, was still spotless. Torn, though, had to restrain himself from having another hyperventilation attack.
Down at the stadium where the event was taking place, everyone was lined up eagerly anticipating all the high-profile celebrities (Ratchet), and even Jak, whose movie, rumor had it, actually got pretty positive reviews.
When it was time for Jak and the gang to appear, though, the lot was strangely empty. There was then a crash, and it was discovered that, indeed, Jak had driven Torn's multi-thousand orb limo right through the walls of the stadium. Go figure.
"Well, we're here," Jak said. "Let's go find those seats so I can get my," Jak said, the lot staring at him angrily as he said 'my'. "I mean..our, awards."
Torn had to restrain himself from yelling at Jak for driving though the wall of the stadium, and even Praxis had to restrain from chasing the blond around in something since he was the one who had to pay for the repairs. Soon enough, though, they had made their way to the seating area, where the presentations were beginning.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the announcer said. "Please welcome the presenter of the awards for this evening, the chair of the Haven City Council, Count Vejer."
Veger walked on the stage with an angry look on his face, presumably because the announcer had, like everyone else, pronounced his name wrong.
"Hello, everyone," Veger said. "And it's Veger! Anyway, let's get this started; the first award for best original movie goes to..."
Jak was hugging his seat, ready for the count to say his name.
"A day on N. Sanity Island, by Crash and Coco Bandicoot, with special contributor Dr. Neo Cortex!"
A short clip of the movie showed on the screen as Crash and Cortex came up to receive the award; however, the two soon began fighting ala Crash: Twinsanity over who got to keep the trophy or not. Luckily, they got off the stage and into the streets in no time.
"OK..." Veger said.
And so, the ceremony went on for another two hours, Ratchet getting most of the awards, including best sp. Effects, best story, best audio, and best sequel. Jak had to get up several times to 'adjust his pants', which included scratching some part of his body, pulling his pants up or down, farting and coughing to cover up said farts, or anything usually disrupting; this, of course, happened usually when Ratchet's name was called.
It came down to the final two awards, as Veger continued.
"The second to last award is for best comedy; now, the judges had a tough pick on their hands tonight, but a late entry made these guys laugh so hard that they just had to pick it. So the winner of best comedy goes to... "The Adventures of Desert Man and Sandy," by Jak Mar!"
Jak squeaked loudly as he ran up and grabbed the award from Veger's hands, running down back to his seat.
"OK, then, Jak. Now, the moment you have all been waiting for!"
The lights dimmed at a spotlight soon began to swirl around the stadium. A drum-roll noise soon began to echo
"The award...for best overall movie in show is..."
Jak's eyes were wide with anticipation, clinching his seat really tight.
The drum-roll stopped as Veger read the name.
"RATCHET: A CRACK IN TIME BY RATCHET!"
The light then shined on Ratchet's seat as he smiled in happiness, his movie clip playing on the wide-screen.
However, just as the Lombax went to get up, it happened; the second thing in one week he would do to completely embarrass himself in front of millions of people, and also incur the wrath of Haven's citizens. Because from the other end of the arena, everyone suddenly heard a sudden explosion, and looked over to see, well...
"! YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YEYYYAYAYAYAYAYAEYEYAAAASSSSS! BWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAHHH! ! IIIIIINNNN YYYOOOOOUUURRRRRR FFFAAAAACCCEEEE !"
Yes, Jak had thought he had won the award, and soon began to celebrate by going on a victory rampage, which included running laps around the arena, holding his fists up in the air, whooping like an Indian and making other really weird and strange noises, break-dancing, doing the moonwalk, headbanging, 'shaking his bootay', rubbing his butt on the ground, and basically just publicly embarrassing himself in front of the entire town.
He finally found his way up to the podium, the effects and such had just been shut off by now and all the lights turned on.
"Citizens of Haven City," Jak said as he approached the microphone. "I am pleased to accept this award on behalf of myself, and my lovely Keira, and everyone else that made this possible! Take that, Ratchet! Now, to show my superiority, I'm going to do my famous 'In Your Face' Dance!"
Veger, knowing he had to stop Jak before he further embarrassed himself and everyone else and caused half the audience to leave, tapped him on the shoulder and whispered: "Uh, Jak, can I see you for a minute?"
"Hold the phone, folks, I just got a late braking update from Count Veger! Go ahead, sir."
Veger whispered something in Jak's ear to which he replied into the mic: "I'm making a complete what of myself?"
Veger continued to whisper, Jak responding the same way: "THE most EMBARRASSING thing you've ever witnessed?"
Veger whispered something else, his expression changing to anger and irritation.
"And I'm making it worse by repeating everything you say into the mic?"
Veger finally just up and out said to Jak: "Oh, for precursors' sake, boy, you didn't win the award!"
Jak suddenly went from hyped up to utter speechlessness. "W...what?"
"Ratchet won, Jak, not you," Veger responded.
"..." Jak muttered. He then suddenly realized what he had just done. He turned to the crowd, whose faces were bright red with both embarrassment and anger; especially Keira and Torn. Jak's face suddenly turned red.
"Uhh..."
Jak then let loose a really long, fluttering, yet somewhat quiet, gassy fart; after which, he just stood there, petrified like a statue. Veger pushed him off the the side, Jak still statue-ized. Ratchet then came up and gave his acceptance speech that lasted 30 minutes, the entire crowed listening like he was reciting a play or something.
Finally, after everyone had left the stadium, Jak had snapped out of his trans-like state, muttering: "I...lost..."
"It's OK, Jak, at least you got an award," Torn said. "And you didn't break anything or seriously injure something or someone."
"Jak, if I can make things clearer," Veger said. "The voting committee wasn't even going to rank your movie; but when they saw how funny it was, they had no choice but to name it best comedy; which is weird, because you weren't even entered in that category. Other than that, the thing stunk; Even I thought that, and I was in it."
"If it was so funny, then, why wasn't in number one?"
"I guess Ratchet's just that good," Veger said. "Praxis is always watching his movies, even when he's supposed to be doing paperwork..."
"That I end up doing," Kakukakakika, who just appeared, said.
"Eh," Praxis shrugged.
"Hi, Jak," Kakukakakika said to Jak. Jak just rolled his eyes.
"I thought yours was the best, Jak," she said.
"I can't imagine why," Jak muttered.
"My sister, Kakikakakuka, is a big Ratchet fan; I don't like her."
"Really..."
"Come on, Ka, you're on sponge duty tonight," Praxis said, grabbing Ka and thundering back to the palace.
"What's sponge duty," Jak asked.
"It's better you don't know," Erol said. "Well, I better leave, too."
"Come on, Jak, let's go home," Torn said. "Can you drive?"
"Of course," Jak said, he, Keira, Gordon, and Torn getting into the limo (which had mysteriously appeared in the parking lot, though the wall in the stadium still had a hole from before).
Jak drove back to the underground, but took a slight detour along the way, to which Torn asked: "Jak, where are you going?"
"Nowhere," Jak said with a grin. Torn was about to answer when he suddenly knew what Jak was planning.
(Meanwhile)
Ratchet was just settling into his temporary luxury apartment in new haven, getting ready to watch TV with some snacks at hand, Clank recharging slightly to his left.
"Aaahhh...this is the life...awards, girls, satellite TV..." Ratchet said. "Nothing could possibly ruin this moment...(CRASH!)"
As if on cue, there was a sudden smash, and both Ratchet and Clank looked over to see that a black limo had driven through their wall, driven by none other than, well, guess who?
"OK, now we can go home," Jak said, backing out of the apartment, causing slightly more structural damage as he backed out.
"Jak, you're an idiot," Torn commented as Jak drove away from the scene, Ratchet and Clank just looking on...
I laughed pretty hard writing this last bit. I hope you did, also; so review and tell me if I'm right.
