To Hell and Back-Chapter 9
I know, I know, this has taken me a little longer to update than usual. Sorry about that, I was kind of stuck. I knew what I needed to do but I was doubting my outline and I needed to get some distance and reevaluate things. I should also mention that I got a lot of direction (especially for this chapter) from Illyria13. Thanks so much! You guys have been waiting long enough, let me know what you think. Direct Spoilers: "One Wrong Move," "No Promises," "Severed Ties," "Exit Wounds," and "Fault Lines" (maybe not every episode right now, but from here on out it's a possibility of spoilers for those). As you know, I don't have the privilege of owning Flashpoint.
At first the alcohol only seemed to further boil Greg's blood as anger and guilt overcame him. So many problems, so much pain, all your fault. He took another shot and slammed the glass down on the table. He couldn't get the compounding mistakes out of his mind as he counted them off on his fingers.
"Bringing in Toth, letting them split up the team, Haley..." He paused for a moment as her face came into his view again. "...now Spike." He let out a sigh as he poured himself another drink. "And that's only this week." He mumbled as he threw his head back and let the liquid burn his throat. So many people let down. He thought sadly as he tried to fight the memories.
The drinking helped numb the thoughts and the feelings and the guilt, but it got a lot worse before it got better. He vividly remembered all of the moments of pain, all the looks of despair that crossed in front of his eyes. Big brown eyes surfaced in his mind as Spike's teary face enveloped all that Greg saw. He shook his head angry with himself for not saying anything substantive to soothe Spike's pain...and there was so much pain contained in that young man's mind. Just can't get a break. He thought bitterly as memories flooded his mind.
The mid-afternoon sun was sinking just below the horizon as he looked over the college quad. The evacuations were moving, though not nearly as quickly as he hoped for. The main subject had just taken his own life, leaving the team to clean up the rest of the mess and take care of the complicated bombs that he left for them. Disabling the bombs had been slow going and Spike was halfway across town as time ticked down on the college bomb. Lou had been asking to try and diffuse the bomb and, after realizing that Spike wouldn't have time to get there, he agreed and sent Lou down range. He listened to Spike and Lou's conversation as he tried to speed up the evacuation and stay in touch with Ed, but the words he heard from Lou cut him to the bone, making his heart beat harder and faster than ever before.
"Guys, I think I just stepped on a land mine." He knew that he needed to keep himself under control, he was in command and it was his job to make sure all of his people got home safe.
"Come again, Lou?" He asked, his voice a bit shaky as he made sure he understood the words.
"I just stepped on a land mine." He stepped away from the car and tried to take control of his body and tone.
"How you know that?" He asked conversationally, intentionally calm.
"Heard the click...I can feel the trigger spikes through my boot."
"Okay Lou, the important thing is just to stay calm." Greg said, trying to convince himself as well as Lou.
"I'm calm." His voice shook a bit as Greg took a few deep breaths.
"Okay, yeah?" He asked again trying to breath.
"Yeah, I'm good boss." He felt like he was stating the obvious but he had to say something.
"Okay, you just make sure-"
"I'm not moving." Lou assured.
"Okay, just...relax." Greg said softly as Lou's voice quivered. Spike's voice came over the radio as Greg remembered that he was still working on a bomb of his own, only a few minutes left on the countdown.
"Lou, don't even shift your weight, no decrease in pressure-"
"Okay, okay I got you Spike." Lou's voice was heavy.
"Spike." Greg interrupted him.
"I'm gonna get this thing nailed and then I'm going to be on my way. I'm gonna get you out buddy." He said passionately over the radio.
"Spike." Greg again said forcefully. "You just stay focused, we're all good here." He had to assure them. He had to put on the happy optimistic face that they all expected him to have, that they needed him to have. Things felt like a blur as Lou pushed through and diffused the main bomb and Spike went to try and find a way to fix things. Sam and Ed had stayed fairly firm that there was no way of a happy ending but he couldn't give up.
"A long shot is still a shot." The words reverberated in his mind as he heard Lou speaking over the radio. He knew what was going to come before he finished speaking; it was in his tone, he was ready to do what he had to in order to protect his friend.
Greg felt like he could hear Spike's shouting cries in his ear as he took another shot and tried to block out the memory. It had taken a long time for the team to be functional after that call and Greg knew that Toth could have asked any member of Team One the questions he'd asked Spike and there would be stress reactions. All of them felt guilty for one reason or another for that day and that outcome and though Greg knew that Spike had taken it hardest. He'd lost his best friend and he felt like he'd failed him; the only person that might have felt worse was Greg. He hid it well, he had to in order to lead his team and assure them that they could talk to him, but he doubted himself ever since that day.
He was in command. He made the decision to send Lou down range and he was the one that couldn't think of a way to save him. His job was to keep the peace, just like any other member of the SRU, but further than that, his job was to make sure that his people were safe. He failed them that day and the guilt had been eating at him since. Everything was building, all of the guilt and regret and the alcohol had barley begun to take the edge away as he poured himself drink after drink and hoped that his mind would, for the first time in a long time, be silent.
It became a routine for him, a cycle of unending guilt and despair. he got up, reported to work, then went home and drank only to wake up the next morning and start it all over again. It was comforting in it's familiarity and damning in it's seductive danger because the only time he could sleep was when he was too drunk to dream. But without the dreams, his pain was ever present; hiding under his skin in a writhing ball of agony while he smiled and pretended that he was alright. And despite what he might tell himself on the surface, deep down he knew the truth: he's not okay, he'll never be okay. He's thrown away ten years of hard-earned sobriety, again abandoned by the people he cares most about. And a week passes before he knows it, a week filled with a bottle that doesn't end and a sickness that doesn't abate. It's almost two weeks later that his routine is thrown out the window.
Things had been uncharacteristically quiet at the SRU. A few warrants had come in but he hadn't needed to play a big part in the operations. For the most part, he'd been able to keep to himself and stay under the radar but that day, Commander Hollaran had called him in at the end of his shift.
"How are things going, Greg?" He asks with a smile. It supposed to be a warm smile but Greg feels nothing but animosity towards the man before him.
"Things are going pretty well, Commander." He says rigidly, trying to figure out what he's implying.
"What do you think of Team Three?" He asked vaguely, leaning in a bit. Greg nodded cautiously.
"They're a great group of officers, really solid and good at their jobs." He said with a slight hitch in his voice. "But I know that they're getting anxious. They're wondering how long these 'temporary' changes are going to last and...they're not the only ones." Greg tried to be as respectful as he could but the waiting was killing him. Hollaran nodded before looking at a file in his hands.
"Ed Lane is coming back to Team One tomorrow morning." He watched Greg carefully as he nodded, trying not to give away the plethora of emotions that flooded his mind.
"That's great." Greg said calmly with a smile.
"We'll let him get back and get settled with the way things are now and then we'll evaluate further changes." Greg nodded as he looked at his file again. "We're still waiting on results of Wordsworth's medical, they had to refer him to a specialist." Greg nodded again, the pressure compounding and weighing down on his chest as he stood to leave.
Another night of drunken stupor followed the conversation as Greg cycled between anger and anxiousness, nostalgia and despair. He couldn't stay mad at Ed for not answering his calls; Greg knew that he'd messed up and that Ed had reason to be angry, but it didn't help the feeling that he'd lost his best friend. Ed had always been there for him, always pushing him in the right direction, keeping him sane and grounded on the days where he didn't think he'd be able to make it through.
"...Maggie gets a second chance...so can you."
"Ten years, Eddie. Ten years sitting on the side lines waiting for my ex to notice that I'm not who I was. Ten years of birthday, report cards, lost teeth, broken arms...ten years. I've hugged a hundred kids in the last ten years and I still don't know what it feels like to hug my own boy." Greg felt himself unraveling, angry and emotional and needing something to cling to, someone to pull him out of his own self-doubt.
"So why don't you go down there, take a ram, and bust open a couple of doors, huh? Or maybe you get a lawyer. You're a good man, Greg Parker, and your son deserves to know that."
"Second chances..." He didn't feel like he could believe the sentiment of Ed's words, part of him not feeling like he deserved the chance at happiness.
"It's that simple."
He didn't want to think anymore, didn't want to worry, but anxiety eats away at his mind as he considers the implications of Ed returning. He'd been hoping for things to return to normal for weeks, all of them had, but Greg was seriously questioning if things could ever be the same again. Another shot burned his throat as he tried to forget, tried to relax and tried to find that release he'd desperately been seeking.
Okay, kind of on the long side but this was going to be three chapters originally with a lot of filler. Let me know what you think. I was seriously stuck on this and Illyria13 broke me out of my slump and gave me the idea for that transition paragraph in the middle (you know, the paragraph that's so much more amazing than the rest of the writing that surrounds it). So, the much awaited return of Ed is coming. Probably not tonight, but I won't keep you waiting too long. Thanks for the read, let me know what you're thinking.
