AN: This chapter was hard for me to write for some reason, so I hope you like it.
This is where we left off at the end of the last chapter.
Elliot laughed then. He leaned over slightly, staring her straight in the eyes. "Well, I don't have any issue with going on record. I think you are sexy as hell…a gift from heaven…or maybe made by the devil himself. And you can flirt with me whenever you want…and I'm sure as hell going to keep flirting with you." He leaned back, quite pleased with himself. "Now you have two seconds to come over here and kiss me…or I'm going to launch myself over this table and take matters into my own hands."
EOEOEOEO
Elliot saw Olivia's smile falter, but then it was back. He could tell she wasn't going to make the first move, so he pushed himself of the floor. He wanted to groan. He had stiffened up slightly for sitting on the floors long, but he wasn't going to cop to that and let Olivia give him shit. He grinned at her, and leapt over the coffee table. He realized quickly that he had misjudged the stiffness in his knees, and he caught the edge of the table with his toes. Dishes crashed to the ground, and he heard Olivia let out a yell as he held out his arms.
Elliot hit the floor, bracing himself with his hands. He groaned as he rolled over on his back. So much for not embarrassing himself. He glanced over at Olivia, and he saw the shocked expression on her face.
"Are you okay?" she asked, reaching out and placing a hand on his arm.
Elliot was about to tell her that the only thing wounded was his pride, when they heard a wail from Olivia's bedroom. He looked over at Olivia, but she was already getting up and heading towards the bedroom. "I'm sorry." He called out, but he was pretty sure his words were drowned out by Noah's cries.
Olivia saw Noah sitting in the middle of the bed. He was crying hard, and she knew he had probably been startled out of a deep sleep and didn't recognize where he was. He held out his arms when he saw her, and she scooped him up, patting him on the back. Olivia sat down on the bed, and situated him on her lap as she pulled his small body against hers. But he was still crying…beyond consolation…and she knew it would take him a little bit of time to calm down. She rubbed his back and rocked him gently as he cried. She could hear Elliot cleaning up the dishes in the other room, and the noise distracted Noah a little. His cries slowed down as he twisted around to look at the door, and he swiped at his nose and his eyes with his hands. The cries stopped…replaced by hiccups…and Olivia knew she was going to have to get him a glass of water.
She stood up and adjusted him in her arms, and she saw Noah squint as she walked out into the living room.
Elliot grimaced slightly when he saw Olivia with Noah in her arms. He knew if she was bringing him out here, it wasn't going to be quick getting him back to sleep. Noah hadn't seen him yet, and Olivia put a finger to her lips as she talked softly to her son. She moved into the kitchen, and Elliot side-stepped them so Noah wouldn't see him and want to play. He watched as Olivia poured a small glass of water and helped Noah take a few sips. The little boy obliged and then lay his head on her shoulder.
"Mommy's going to lay down with you so you can get back to sleep. OK Noah?" Olivia said softly.
Elliot noticed that she was looking at him as she said it, and he knew his night was over.
EOEOEOEOEO
"Elliot."
Elliot woke up when he heard Olivia's voice, but he couldn't see anything, and he thought maybe he was dreaming. But then he heard her say his name again…very softly…and he could see the silhouette of her in the dark. He glanced at the clock and saw it was 4AM.
"What? What's wrong?" He asked in alarm as he pushed himself up on one elbow and wiped a hand across his eyes. "Is it Noah?"
"No." Olivia said softly. She stood by the bed, slightly angry that she'd lost the argument with herself about whether or not to wake him.
"OK." Elliot said, dragging out the last letter. He wasn't sure what to make of her early morning intrusion, but he was sure he was about to find out. He was surprised when she sat down on the edge of the bed, but when the ambient light caught her eyes, he could see the despair in them. He didn't move…didn't say anything…for fear he'd spook her and she would leave. She wasn't even looking at him; her gaze was fixed on some point above his head. Or maybe she was focused on whatever was on her mind.
A minute or two passed before Olivia spoke again. "I couldn't sleep." She started. "My mind has been swirling with everything that's happened." She paused for a second, wondering if he understood that she didn't just mean the past 6-7 months, or the past few days. She sucked in a long, slow breath trying to keep calm. "I know we agreed we weren't going to talk about the past but I can't stop thinking about it…about things that happened when we were partners…and things that happened after you left…and what's happening now…and I can't…I just can't…" She shook her head slightly. "It's all related and it's not and I was laying there and it wouldn't stop. All these what if's and why's…" Olivia bit down on her lip to keep herself from crying; she could feel the tears pricking the back of her eyes and her chest felt tight. She noticed Elliot didn't say anything, but when she glanced down at him, she saw he was listening. She was thankful for both his attention and his silence. "I can't figure it out. How all these things are related…or if maybe they aren't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do…how to reconcile the past and the present…" Her voice trailed off. "I have so many questions…so many unanswered questions…and I feel like I have so much to tell you so that you understand." She emphasized that last word, because sometimes she didn't think Elliot understood that she wasn't the same person he left. "And I don't know how." Olivia's shoulders slumped slightly. "I thought I could tuck it all away…that it wasn't important…but I can't. We can't…"
Elliot saw Olivia's eyes connect with his for the first time since she'd started talking. He hadn't wanted to interrupt her; this had obviously been building inside her for a while. But now, he thought she was looking to him for an answer. He wanted to reach out and take her hand, but he wasn't sure how she'd react, so he didn't. Instead, he pulled himself up slightly, so that he was sitting with his back against the headboard. He folded his hands in his lap. "I agree." He said softly. "We can't avoid the past. You deserve some answers, and I want to know anything you're willing to tell me." Elliot kept his voice soft and the cadence slow. "So…go ahead."
Olivia was somewhat surprised; she hadn't really prepared for this discussion. It was just a lot of random thoughts jangling around in her brain. The stuff she'd just spewed out hadn't been practiced or rehearsed…she had just been trying to tell him how she was feeling. Now that she had a forum, she wasn't quite sure how to start. "Somehow, I always thought all of this would all come out in a fight." She said, and there was no humor in her voice. It was the honest truth. She figured one day, one of them would say something to set the other one off and it would be World War 3. "I don't know what to say."
"Olivia…" Elliot said as he leaned forward slightly. "You're not in court…you don't have to have a list of questions, or a script." His voice was still quiet. He was pretty sure he knew what she wanted to ask, but she had to do this on her terms. "It's just me and you…just talk to me." He heard a little pleading in his voice, because he knew this had to happen too. "I'll answer anything you ask me, if you think you're ready for the answers." He had questions of his own, but he hoped that if he was honest with her, she'd be honest with him.
Olivia looked away, thankful that the room was dark. This was her chance…she had to lay it all out there. She pressed her lips together, and then released a deep breath. "Jenna Fox." She whispered the name softly…almost reverently, and she knew Elliot had to know what she was going to ask him. It was the one question she most needed answered, but she was terrified of the answer. The answer would define their future. "I can understand why you left the job, even though I hated the thought of it." She hesitated, fear and anguish coursing through her body. "But I don't understand…why did you leave me? How could you cut me out of your life so easily? You were my best friend…you were my…my everything." She admitted, her voice barely a whisper. There would be no holding back tonight. "All my life, people abandoned me. You knew that and you still…" She felt tears on her lower lashes. "You left me behind and I just need to know…why?"
Elliot wasn't surprised by the question. He'd been expecting it since the first day he got the nerve to approach her in the precinct parking lot. He'd been thinking about the answer for a lot longer. "Olivia…leaving you wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."
Olivia bit down on her lip; she wanted to tell him that he didn't know a damn thing about hardship…he was the one that left her. But she knew she needed to let him finish. She needed to hear the whole story.
"Because I knew…" Elliot scrubbed his hand over his face. He'd thought about it this conversation a million times, but now the words weren't coming. He started over, hoping she would understand what he was trying to say. "When Jenna came into the squad room and started shooting…I saw you leaning over Sister Peg and the only thing I could think of was that it could have been you." Elliot swallowed hard. "I didn't think twice. You were still in danger. I shot to kill."
Olivia didn't know what to do with that information. She took a second to process. "You shot Jenna because she was shooting at the suspects in the cage." That was all she could accept.
"No." Elliot said firmly. "I chose you over Jenna. I chose you over those men…over everyone else. I chose you, even though after Gitano, I wouldn't do that ever again. I chose you because I couldn't imagine a life without you at my side. I chose you because I had fallen madly, deeply in love with you." Elliot paused when he heard Olivia's sharp intake of breath, but she didn't say anything. He couldn't imagine she didn't know how he felt…but they had never said the words out loud. "When I left the precinct that night, it hit me. I had known that I loved you for a long time…I had let things go on too long. What happened that night…it was inevitable. It was only a matter of time. We had been playing with fire. And because I didn't do anything about it…didn't tell you or do a goddamned thing about it, a young girl was dead. I sat for days…I didn't sleep for nights…really thinking about it. I realized that I had no business loving you. I had a wife. I had a family. And I realized that maybe I had kept you from finding someone to settle down with. Maybe my selfishness had cost you the family you wanted." He saw the expression on her face…the objection to what he was saying…but he kept going. "We both knew Liv. After Gitano…we both knew. It's why you left. And I was such a fucking idiot that I led you on…holding on to you with one hand while I clung to my family with the other." His voice was cracking now. "It wasn't fair. And I had committed to making things work with Kathy. Eli was still a baby. I decided I had to let you go."
Olivia couldn't hold back any longer. "You decided…" Olivia said, her voice laden with emotion. "You should have talked to me. You made a choice but took my choice away. "
"I couldn't." Elliot choked out. "If I would have talked to you…if I would have seen you…I wouldn't have been able to let you go. I wanted you to be able to move on."
"I didn't want to move on." Olivia said. "There was nothing to move on from."
"Bullshit." Elliot said, and then he took a deep breath, calming his voice again. "You said you were going to be honest."
"I am being honest. I just wanted my partner."
"Olivia, I saw you." Elliot said. "Months had gone by, and I missed you so much. I had managed to stay away. But I reached the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought maybe if I just saw you. If I could see that you were okay, then I would go away and you never had to know I was even there." He shook his head, remembering those days. "I was a miserable son-of-a-bitch because while I was trying to work things out with my wife, I kept thinking about you. So, I sat in my car, outside of your apartment one morning. When I knew you'd be leaving for work, and I saw you. You walked out of the building with a man. He had his arm around you, and you looked so happy."
"David." Olivia said softly.
"I was crushed, but I told myself that I had done the right thing. I had let you go and you were happy."
Olivia didn't know what to say. She'd met David at a time in her life when she was looking for something, but if things had gone on as before, she probably would have met David anyway. "There was room for both of you in my life."
"Do you honestly think that? Would you have let yourself fall in love with him?"
"Who said I was in love with him?" Olivia said. She honestly couldn't answer that question herself…she didn't love him like she loved Elliot, but it had been good. "Maybe I was, but it was nothing compared to how I felt about you." She took a deep breath. "I still thought about you all the time."
"And I never stopped thinking about you." Elliot whispered. "But I told myself I had done the right thing, and I renewed my effort to spend time with Eli and the other kids. I tried to purge you from my thoughts…to fill up my time. I coached Eli's soccer team. I taught some classes at the academy. I got hooked up with this private security firm. I thought if I kept myself busy enough, I could purge you from my mind." Elliot closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headboard. "But it didn't work…and through all that…" He lifted his head again and opened his eyes. "Kathy and me…" He let out a choked laugh. "There was no Kathy and me. There hadn't been for a very long time. We started divorce proceedings and I thought maybe…" His eyes connected with hers. "I should never have gone back to Kathy the second time. I already knew I was in love with you, but I felt this obligation."
"You had kids. It was the right thing to do at the time."
"No." Elliot said. "It wasn't. Look at what it cost us. All those years."
"If you hadn't gone back to Kathy, do you honestly think we were ready to give up our partnership?" Olivia said softly. "I don't think we knew then. We didn't know exactly what we were to each other."
"When you came back from Oregon, you knew. Before you left, you knew." Elliot reminded her. He took a chance and reached out for her hand. "I was so happy when you came back, but we couldn't seem to get back to what we were. That night…I should have come to you." He knew that Olivia knew exactly what he was talking about. "Things would have been different. I mean, I love Eli but…"
"Don't say that." Olivia said quickly. It felt wrong somehow.
Elliot could only nod. "OK." He said, his voice resigned. "But it seems as if our lives were a series of bad decisions and denial. If we had just been honest with each other. With ourselves…" They both let out a sigh, and they were both quiet for a few minutes. "I came back again…after Kathy and I were done. I had moved out. I had my own apartment and got settled and I made up my mind that it had been long enough. That I was going to tell you how I felt…no matter the consequences."
"What stopped you?" Olivia asked, sensing his hesitancy.
"You were with Brian. You were living together. You'd made Sergeant…you had a life. You didn't need me."
"You were wrong." Olivia said. "I've always needed you."
"If I would have come back, would you have left Brian for me?"
"Why would I have had to choose?" Olivia asked. "We were friends. Best friends."
"I didn't want to be friends Olivia." Elliot said, and he knew it sounded harsh but it was true. "I wanted all of you."
"So, your need to have all of me stood in the way of having even a little part of me?" Olivia said. "If you had come back into my life still married to Kathy, I wouldn't have cared."
"Are you still being honest? You never wanted more?"
"Of course I wanted more." Olivia said. "But if I couldn't have that…I'd still want you in my life."
"Exactly. You would have settled for less." Elliot squeezed her hand. "You deserved more." He looked down at their conjoined hands, thinking about what could have been. She wasn't saying anything and he looked up at her. "I just wanted you to be happy." He said in a hoarse whisper. "Do you understand that?"
"I don't know if I'll ever understand." Olivia said. She knew Elliot thought he had done the right thing. "We'll never know how things would have turned out. We can talk about it and talk about it…" It's exactly what had been keeping her up all night.
"Do you think you can forgive me?" Elliot asked. He couldn't read her expression in the dark, but the tone of her voice told him everything. Sadness tinged with regret. "Because the past six months have been the happiest I've had in a long time. I want to be a part of your life…in any way you'll let me."
Olivia was quiet for a moment, thinking about everything that had been said. There was a small part of her that was angry with him, but the emotion that overrode everything was sadness. Things could have been so much different. But she couldn't blame Elliot alone; she'd played a role in that too. She'd kept her feelings under lock and key. She may have been able to change the trajectory of things. No…she had to take her share of the blame. "Were both at fault. And I don't think I could have let you back in my life if I hadn't already forgiven you."
"I'm still wondering about that." Elliot said. "Why didn't you just tell me to go to hell?"
"I told you already. I want you in my life. But…" Olivia hesitated. "What's happening here…I'm scared."
"You don't trust me." Elliot said, disappointment swarming over him. But he knew he couldn't blame her.
"It's more than that." Olivia said. "I'm worried that this…whatever this is…is based on the people we used to be." She slipped her hand out of Elliot's. "I'm not the same person I was before."
"Neither am I." Elliot said. "Does that change how you feel about me?" Olivia had never told him that she loved him, but she didn't have to.
"The things that have happened to me…" Olivia said. "I have ghosts…I have scars…physically…emotionally. I thought Sealview was horrible but Lewis…" Tears started streaming down her cheeks then. "I thought I was going to die and I wanted you so much."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you down." It was one of his biggest regrets. He'd been on a job in D.C., and a tearful Kathy had called him to deliver the news. He'd gotten back to the city as quickly as he could, but she had already been found. He'd seen her at the hospital, surrounded by Brian and the squad, and he hadn't wanted to intrude. It had been too long, and he didn't want to add to her pain. If he would have known she wanted him…
"I'm sorry." He repeated, knowing those words were inadequate. "If I could change anything, I would." He noticed that Olivia was staring above his head again, lost in thought. "Tell me Olivia. Tell me about William Lewis." He said in his quietest voice.
"You don't want to know…" Olivia whispered, looking towards the window. She thought she could see a few streaks of light, and she wondered absentmindedly what time it was.
Elliot reached for her hand again. "You can tell me anything. It's not going to change the way I feel about you." He could feel she was shaking slightly, and he knew how much this was costing her. "It's ok. You don't have to tell me." He tugged her hand slightly, and Olivia's eyes met his. "Come here." Elliot scooted over towards the wall, and may down on his side, making room for her on the narrow bed.
Olivia looked at Elliot for a minute. Suddenly, she was so tired. She lay down next to him, her back to his chest, and rested her head on his right arm. She felt his left arm wrap around her, and he placed a kiss in her hair.
"I'm here Olivia. I'm not going anywhere…unless you tell me you never want to see me again. I hope you believe me." He kissed her head again. "I love you."
Olivia closed her eyes, feeling safe in Elliot's arms. She let out a long, measured breath. "When I first met William Lewis…"
EOEOEOEO
Olivia woke up, and saw sunlight streaming into the room. She glanced at the clock and saw it was after 10AM. It took a few seconds, but then she realized she was in Elliot's room. Everything came rushing back…her early morning visit to his room…unanswered questions asked…answers given…secrets revealed…tears shed. The last thing she remembered was Elliot wrapping his arms around her as she cried when she finished telling him about Lewis.
She stretched, feeling slightly hungover from all the crying she had done, and from the lack of sleep. But she felt as if a weight had been lifted. She had asked Elliot all the things she had wanted to know, and he had answered her. It was one of the most honest conversations they'd ever had. They hadn't exactly decided what the future held for them, but she felt hopeful.
The door swung open, and Olivia looked up as Noah came running into the room.
"Mama!" He yelled.
Elliot was right behind him, carrying a tray of food. "I thought you might like breakfast in bed."
"That was sweet." Olivia said. She lifted Noah up onto the bed and gave him a hug, and then she sat up, leaning against the headboard. Noah settled by her side, and Elliot set the tray of food on the bed.
"You deserve it." He knew how much telling him about Lewis had taken out of her.
"And you got up with Noah again." Olivia said. "I'm sorry…"
"Shhh." Elliot said, kissing her on the forehead. "That's what you do for the people you love." He stood up and looked her in the eyes. "And just in case I wasn't clear last night, I love you."
"Love you." Noah mimicked, snagging a strawberry off Olivia's tray.
Olivia laughed, and it felt good. She gave Elliot a shy smile. "I love you too."
