Would that be a Portal reference, 3-D Jak? :p

(And oh my god Falsie I have a nickname this is the best day of my life)


Chapter Nine – The Definition of Insanity

A lot of things – a lot of weird, some-wonderful-some-less-so things – happened simultaneously in the supermarket.

~ IN THE AMBIGUOUS TOMATO SECTION~

The Demoman, despite all his expertise in everything explosive, had made a rather fatal error.

Sticky bombs.

He had chosen to throw STICKY bombs.

So, the earlier narrative '[Pyro] went ahead and lobbed the first one' was quite inaccurate. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be 'the Demoman and Pyro accidently full-on launched themselves at the unsuspecting Scout and Soldier staring accusingly at some tomatoes. Holding sticky bombs'.

Yeah, that's about right. Cue explosion.

~ELSEWHERE~

The Engineer had already snapped once today. He didn't really fancy doing it again, cuz he's nice like that, but when he saw Spy…

The Frenchman had found the bike. The fish's bike. He was riding it top speed around the shop, with the manager sitting on the back for some reason and the mini sentry mounted on the front. Somehow the support class had also found time to make a little flag reading 'Mentlegen' too.

He was very proud of it.

Engy? Not so much.

"SPAH WHAT IN THE HECK ARE YA DOIN'!?"

Spy opted to keep pedalling and simply circle his teammate instead of even slowing down. The store manager stared on blankly.

"Being resourceful?" Spy tried, ducking as the mini sentry swivelled to take out a BLU. He noticed Engy cast a confused glance at the manager. "He's the counter weight."

Before the Engineer could even start to think of a retort Heavy came barrelling out of nowhere, yelling something about a big mistake, chain reaction, physics, sandviches and how much gravity was a pain in the ass.

Long story short everything was falling down and the only getaway vehicle was Spy's bicycle.

Hell yeah.

~THE PART ALL YOU MEDIC FANS WERE WAITING FOR~

The injured, currently-giant dove had been seconds from impact of the deadly variety with the floor. Then of course, Medic popped the Übercharge.

Know when something was more flammable than ya thought? And suddenly the thing explodes with red light and it's really awesome?

That sounded a little weird, I grant you.

Nevertheless, dear sweet Archie became the perfect robot pigeon counter in the span of a wing beat. REDs and BLUs alike were suddenly enveloped in red light, thinking either Pyro had learned some new fire power or the sun had risen inside the freakin' store as Archie blossomed into pure badass.

"Ja," Medic said smoothly, chilling on the Überbird's back, "Zhat just happened."

With a guitar riff in the background all the fighting suddenly resumed. Shelves cascaded to the floor, crushing mercs and narrowly avoiding Spy's bicycle convoy. For some reason Scout, Soldier, Pyro and Demo flew across the shop. And most importantly Archie shot upward to give dat robot a thorough ass-whoopin'.

Let's sort this out a little.

~ON THE BIKE~

Defying many, many laws of physics and whatnot, the three mercs (and manager) rode furiously for safety on the tiny bike. Heavy provided the base of the pyramid, so he was doing the pedalling. Engy was shortest so he got to sit on the handlebars, cradling the mini sentry. Spy stood on Heavy's head, yelling directions of semi-decent judgment, and the manager remained frozen in shock on the back.

"To the left!" Spy called, indicating with one arm BECAUSE ROAD SAFETY. The more you know.

Engy leaned left and the bike skidded around a corner just in time to avoid being squished by two-for-one wholemeal bagels.

Heavy was panting frantically and if Scout was nearby he definitely would've cracked a fatass joke, which Heavy knew. This made Heavy a little bit mad.

"RRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" the Russian bellowed coherently, really going for it and achieving a speed boost of ridiculous proportions.

"Hoooly crap…" Engy whimpered, hugging the sentry. Spy meanwhile had the time of his life surfing on a bald guy's head in a supermarket. Isn't that the dream.

Unfortunately, because the support class was too elated to perform his supporting duties, they took a wrong turn. Into the drinks aisle. Where near all the bottles were blue. So the sentry shot at them.

~THE 'SNIPING TOWER'~

Sniper tended not to regret too many things. It seemed like the perfect way to make yourself feel bad and want lots of cake. And if he wanted cake he damn well wanted to be happy about it.

Point is, today was an exception- he really regretted getting drunk and agreeing to go shopping.

Damn. Now he felt like some cake.

Absently headshotting a BLU Heavy before lowering his rifle, the Sniper clambered down the pile of baskets and went to score some cake.

~OTHER END OF THE SHOP~

"Y'know, I don't think I'd be as mad if this was the first time this happened," Soldier commented, noting how he and the other three REDs were getting quite close to a wall now. Demo shrugged – an impressive feat when flying through the air at breakneck speed – and said,

"Well, it's prob'ly not the last time it'll happen." As if that helped in any way. In its own little world, Pyro giggled; kids these days.

Their wee awkward moment was interrupted when the four mercs suddenly slammed into the RED Heavy.

~NOW WE'RE BACK ON THE BIKE, SEE~

The last thing that Heavy, Engy, Spy and the manager needed were extra passengers, as the bike had gone wildly out of control as it slipped on all the liquid that the mini sentry had gotten on the floor.

This, fair reader, sucked.

And now Demo and Soldier were clinging to either side of Heavy, Scout was practically around Heavy's neck, and Pyro was sort of hugging the store manager, who didn't react in the slightest.

"HEY GUYS!" Scout said cheerfully, not seeming to notice he was on a speeding bike with seven other people. *Collective glare*

The problem now was that, in glaring, Heavy lost further control of the steering. He would soon find out that the 'wet floor' signs were even more dangerous than wet floors themselves.

~UP IN DA SKY~

Übermedes and Medic decided they rather liked kicking ass. Usually neither of them did much fighting, for fairly obvious reasons, but if this was what they were missing…?

He was totally going battleMedic.

Archie used his freakin' wing to uppercut the robot pigeon and send it spinning away like some kind of drunken midair ballet.

"FINISH HIM!" the announcing voice commanded, this time through the shop's tannoy; complete with irritating beep.

If a giant Übercharged dove could adopt an evil grin, Archie managed it. Unfortunately he didn't manage the dragon-roar he was going for and instead cooed slightly louder than usual.

"Don't vorry, Archimedes, it happens to lots of doves…"

With that Archie surged upward AND RIPPED THE VERY HEAD FROM THE PIGEON! MUAHAHAHA!

Then the second the Über faded Medic was blindsided by a flying bicycle.


Thank you for reading! Computing exam coming up so next update might be a wee while, but thanks guys! :D